Final 7: Is Johns Gone? I Forgot He Was Still On The Show.

Random thoughts on Idol Gives Back and Michael “Jerk-off” Johns getting the boot.

-- With the exception of last week’s bluesy Dolly performance, Michael Johns seemed to be phoning in his entire run on Idol.  Supremely confident, he was content to sing stadium rock anthems and hit a couple high notes and flash his Aussie grin to get by.  He seemed to be on cruise control, not really taking any risks, always choosing safe, popular songs and then presumably he would turn it on during a stretch run that never happened.   Way to motivate, dude.  I hope the rest of your career continues with a similar lack of urgency and effort.  We’ll be seeing you on Hollywood Squares 2009, or Celebrity Competitive Eating in 2011.

-- That leads into my biggest gripe about this season, which is that there isn’t a sense of urgency amongst the contestants.  No singer is trying to hit home runs every night out.  That’s when Idol is at it’s best, people trying to out-sing each other.  This season is all about making safe choices and trying not to get voted off.  Say what you want about Taylor Hicks, but I love the guy because he sang the hell out of every performance and was trying to win the show each and every week.  Can you say the same thing about Castro, Brooke, Syesha or Archuleta?  It seems like they’re just trying not to screw up.  I can say that Cook and Carly are trying… a little too hard.  Carly especially gives off this whiff of desperation.  But aside from when she was basically forced to sing “Blackbird” she hasn’t made one attempt to go outside of her Celine Dion Power-balladry, over-singing everything.  Cook’s stupid “give back” on his hand shows that his vote pandering is on par with Kristy’s.  But at least they’re trying hard.  I appreciate that.

--Archuleta has been singing all the songs he’s been performing from his Junior High Gymnasium Tour 2004-2006.  Any time he’s forced to sing something new he sucks.

http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2008/04/david_archuleta_has_been_singing.html

That explains his robotic performances, but it doesn’t explain why Archuleta always seems to have sung the songs better 2 years ago.

-- So I suffered through Idol Gives Back.  I automatically fast-forwarded through any multi-millionaire celebrity begging for money, horrible Miley Cyrus performance, and every terrible Seacrest with Idols banter segments and the show still was tedious and painfully long.  By my count there was 18 minutes of watchable stuff out of 150 terrible minutes.  And I’m not the first to comment on this, but Robin Williams has been doing that goddamn Russian accent character for DECADES.  “Moscow on the Hudson” anyone?  That’s his go-to phoning it in bit.

-- Seacrest’s sanctimonious touting of all the Idol Gives Back numbers, and Idol self-congratulation just reinforces why Idol Gives Back is a sham and worthy of our disdain.  American Idol makes BILLIONS and yet the best they can do is hit up fans for $30 mil?  Come on Nigels, pony up a hundred mil, just to make a token offering.  Hell, just chip in half of worthless Randy and Paula’s salaries. It’s money better spent feeding a couple villages in Uganda.  Besides, they get their royalties from their “hit song” that’s scraping the bottom of the charts despite being prominently featured on the #1 show on TV.

-- Call me a cynic but I wasn’t moved by the video packages of starving Africans with billionaire rock stars who paused from their earnest grim-faces long enough to bark orders at their personal assistants to bring in another cold bottle of Evian and to wave the palm frond a little faster.  

-- Well, except for Annie Lennox.  You could tell she cared.  And then she sang the hell out of her “Rivers” song.  That was the most sensational Idol performance this season.  Annie would’ve won.

--And Fergie too.  Her face looks like melted butter, but she can sing.

-- I’ve never found Jimmie Kimmel funny, until tonight.  I’d pay to watch a weekly show of people relentlessly mocking Simon.  You could tell Simon was getting upset.  He was beet red and tried to chuckle through it, but his smiling was forced.  Then Randy sitting next to him guffawing and chortling like Eddie Murphy in the Nutty Professor was pretty funny too.  Even Paula crying tears of hysterical laughter almost got me to give money back.  

-- Ooh, so Simon donated one paycheck to Give Back.  You know what, he should give his entire $30 million salary for phoning in the entire season last year.  This year he’s Mr. Cares-a-lot by comparison.

 -- Ratings for Idol Gives Back was down 34%.  The remaining 66% who watched the horribly boring mess AGAIN this season must be the dim bulbs voting for Archuleta.

-- Can we stop paying attention to who DialIdol predicts will go home?  I can also have a web-site announcing all contestants are in danger each week and I’d be right once in a while, too.  If your fancy “science” doesn’t work with any kind of accuracy then you’re just guessing like the rest of us.

-- Also screw TiVo who predicted Syesha was going home based on “fast-forwarding” through her performances.  Her fans might fast-forward through her singing but they’re not too stupid to vote like Johns’ fans were.

-- And just a note to everyone who writes in to tell me how much I hate Idol.  You’re all wrong.  I love Idol.  I love to mock Idol when it’s cheesy and over the top.  And this week I’m going to love me some really, really horrible, nacho cheesier Mariah Carey week.  Whoo-hoo!