Top 7- Simon Calls it Karaoke Hell. I Call It... Karaoke Hell

Every year we hear the same thing from the judges. “Whoa, I don’t know if you should be singing the big divas like Whitney, Mariah, Celine… you’ll always be compared.”  So to remedy this, Idol has an entire night devoted to Mariah Carey songs. What? Well, it’s clear sign that Idol has jumped the shark, the lake, the ocean, heck the entire planet. But it does provide a great VFTW performance from Kristy Lee Cook.

First up is David Archuleta, who is especially flaming this week. First, he queens out and says that he’s not worthy to be in Mariah’s presence. Then, he channels his inner diva to perform “When You Believe” and hold out lots of long notes for no reason. Of course, this night is tailored to him because he’s the 5’2” male version of Mariah. But he just seems awkward while performing. The song doesn’t really fit him, oddly enough, and he’s just passable but nothing great. Randy tells him, “If you can sing, you can sing anything. And you can sing.” Oh really? Can we get Mariah to come out and sing a death metal song? Because according to Randy, she’s going to be totally super duper awesome! Paula mumbles unintelligibly. Simon says, “We’re not in for a lot of laughs tonight.” Yes we are. It’s Mariah Carey week!

Carly Smithson immediately lies by saying, “Nice to meet you.” Although Carly has met Mariah, and even talked about it in an interview, she still pretends like this is new to her. What a stupid bitch. I mean, seriously. She takes the Idol tactic that if you say something, it automatically becomes true (“This is the BEST top 24 EVER”). She sings “Without You”, and the entire song seems to be in this mid-range that she never quite finds. Carly usually does decently, but this is just, again, awkward. It just doesn’t work. Randy says that Carly has to believe and trust her lower range. Paula mumbles unintelligibly. Simon cuts her down by saying that he’s been waiting to hear this, but she didn’t pull it off. Take that, liar! You’re going home in 2 weeks tops.

Syesha Mercado decides to set herself apart from the others and break out of the mold by singing a song called “Vanishing.” Um, Syesha, if you vanish any more, you’ll blend in with the Idol stage. Wait, where’d Syesha go? Actually, her song is called “Vanishing (Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa)” as the entire second half of the song seemed to be made up of Whoa-Whoas. It’s passable, but again, Syesha fancies herself a better singer than she actually is. Thus, she picks big songs that make her look like she can’t sing. If she picked an easier song, she could probably knock it out of the park. But she insists on being mediocre. Wallpaper. Vanishing. This would be the fitting exit song for her, so let’s see if Idol plays the irony game this week. Randy says it was smart that she picked a song not a lot of people know. Oh yeah, that’ll make it memorable. Paula mumbles unintelligibly. Simon says, “Technically it was very very good indeed. I’m not sure I would have chosen a song not many people know about.” Syesha attempts to answer him and the music cuts her off. Even the producers don’t want her to say a word. Vanishing.

Brooke White is back to scare little children with “Hero.” But first, she gives her patented catchphrase of “It’s OK! It’s OK!” when asked about missing her sister’s wedding. Is everything OK, Brooke? Seriously? You sure you don’t need to up the meds? Mariah encourages Brooke to go for the high notes while singing, obviously knowing Brooke has no range. Could Mariah be a Worster? Nice work there, helping us out to save Kristy! Mariah, you’ve done a good thing. Brooke sings terribly as always, but the bridge is a masterpiece of raspy vocals and uncontrollable shaking. The camera stays on a closeup of her for far too long and I can see her shaking uncontrollably as she attempts to sing. If she’s that scared to be on the stage, this can’t bode well for a career in singing. Again, upping the meds may help. Randy says the bridge threw him off. Paula mumbles unintelligibly. Simon calls it “like ordering a hamburger and only getting the bun. The vital ingredient, the bit in the middle, was missing.” We call that meat, Simon. You know, the stuff you eat to increase the size of your man boobs. Hopefully we can also call Brooke or Syesha another food, toast, so we can save the wonderful Kristy.

Kristy Lee Cook apparently gave Mariah goosebumps while singing to her. Those aren’t goosebumps. Those are called herpes. But from listening to the rehearsal, it’s clear that Kristy is going to really suck tonight. And suck she does, with terrible starting notes that are way too low for her. She’s also behind the music as the chorus starts. She’s decent enough during the chorus, but this is incredibly awkward. Watching it is almost reminiscent of a John Stevens performance. You feel bad for watching because it’s really terrible, but you can’t look away. Though as you watch, it drags on and on and lasts way longer than you can imagine. This is easily her second worst performance behind the brilliant “Eight Days a Week”, so Kristy is upping her game. Good work! Randy says she stepped it up towards the end. Paula mumbles unintelligibly. Simon says that Kristy didn’t give him chills and that she was whiny, but that she managed what she will. Not exactly a ringing endorsement, but it might be enough to trick the rednecks into voting for her for another week. She’s easily bottom 3, but let’s hope VFTW can save her again.

David Cook decides to take the only uptempo song of the night, “Always Be My Baby”, and slow it down. No! Come on, dude. I’m falling asleep here. Even David holds out a Mariah style glory note to impress the judges. Honestly, it was decent, but probably because I get so bored calling these people terrible that any resemblance of a decent performance makes me take notice. Randy calls it his most brilliant performance yet. Paula mumbles unintelligibly. Simon says it was like “coming out of karaoke hell into a breath of fresh air.” Then to overdo it, Simon pimps the prized pig even more. “It was original! It was daring! It stood out by a mile! This is the sign of a great potential artist, someone who takes risks!” Does he come in 10 different flavors too with a retractable moonroof? So far, I can’t even figure out what version he stole, so let me know if you figure it out.

Last, and most stoned, is Jason Castro. He sings “I Don’t Wanna Cry” in his typical, same-as-every-week, stoner style. Not that it’s not better than most of the others. But it’s nothing new. As it goes on though, it gets much worse, and the attempted falshitto is painful. Hey, maybe there’s still some VFTW left in our resident pothead. Randy didn’t love it. He felt like he was “at a beach luau and someone was playing music in the distance.” I think that was Randy’s attempt at a Simon moment. It didn’t work, dawg. Paula mumbles unintelligibly. Simon agrees with Mumbly. This makes Mumbly mumble some more and fall over. Simon also says that the guys won the night.

Who’s going home? Well it’s easily a girl, as the 2 Davids are the frontrunners and Jason got the pimp spot. So I expect a bottom 3 of Syesha, Brooke, and Kristy. This will save Carly for one more week, make her fans complacent, and boot her fat ass out after singing Andrew Lloyd Webber. Who’s going home? I’ll predict Brooke, but it could easily be Kristy or Syesha. The power of VFTW has hopefully saved our brave American Kristy for one more week, but if not, she had a great run!