Top 6- I'm Sorry... Can We... Thank Brooke For Being a Great VFTW Pick?

Who knew Andrew Lloyd Webber night would be one of the most entertaining nights of the year? Now mind you, I didn’t say it was entertaining. I said “one of the most entertaining.” When you compare shit on a stick to plain shit, shit on a stick seems kind of cool. The producers went a step further to single out the ones they hate in a ridiculously transparent way by making them sing in the first 3 spots. And we actually got 2 decent performances for those of you who like good performances (FOOLS!) Don’t worry though, train wrecks abound and Brooke steps up to the plate and hits a VFTW home run.

First up is Snooresha Mercado with “One Rock and Roll Too Many.” Andrew Lloyd Webber tells her she may bring the house down and be witty. Not likely. But wait… is that… a personality coming from Syesha? And is she having fun and making me actually watch the show? Yes. Yes it is. Where is this coming from? She seems so natural and full of energy. Who knew? Still, the vocals are mediocre, especially at the end, but I have to give her props for actually stepping up her game and trying to do well this week. This is easily her best performance, though it’s not doing a lot for the VFTW cause. Ah well! Simon and Randy agree that it’s her best performance and Simon even calls her sexy. Syesha looks dumbfounded as if her dead voice teacher with the blown out eardrums came back from the grave to chat. She may have actually bought herself a ticket into the top 5 instead of just relying on being the last black contestant standing for that honor. So, good for her.

Jason Castro picks the song “Memory” because… well, I don’t know. He just seems stoned and then shocked when Andrew Lloyd Webber tells him what the song is about. “I didn’t know what it was about. I didn’t know a cat was singing it!” Folks, that was not my trademarked fake lines for Jason to mock him. He actually said that. So Jason picked a song that he did not understand and had no idea what musical it was from? VFTW victory! His singing reflects his poor choice, as his whiny vocals are exposed without a guitar or ukulele to hide behind. It’s truly awful, as Jason makes his bid for the VFTW vote. Wow, can we really vote for Brooke after this? She’s going to have to do something over the top to… oh wait, she does. Nevermind. Sorry, Jason. Randy calls it a musical train wreck. Paula says it was a wise choice. She is referring to the bag of weed she and Jason bought to split before the show. A wise choice indeed. Simon calls it the “longest 2 minutes” of Jason’s life. No, that was again, just before the show while Paula reached into her purse to find the rest of the money to buy the bag of weed. Jason wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to get stoned tonight, and man, it just took the life out of him. So much that he couldn’t perform. Poor kid.

So what can Brooke do with “You Must Love Me” to rival Jason? How about stopping the song after the first line, stopping the song, looking puzzled, turning to the band, and telling them “I’m sorry… can we…” to make them start over? Yeah, that’ll do it. Brooke, my dear, you are wonderful. This is the 3rd time this season that she’s pulled this (once in Hollywood and once during “Every Breath You Take”). Imagine Brooke forgetting the words at the finale. Imagine Brooke getting so upset at forgetting the words in the middle of the song that she storms off stage or just breaks down on stage and starts crying? This could be an extremely entertaining Idol first, so it must happen. And once she gets into the song, it’s really not very good. She’s too nervous to succeed, so she makes scary faces and sings poorly. Randy says it wasn’t great. Paula literally takes 2 minutes to think of something nice to say, and the silence is deafening. Seriously, it’s more awkward watching her try to compliment Brooke’s performance than watching even Amanda Overmyer during the cheesy group songs. It’s more uncomfortable than Danny Noriega in the high school locker room. It’s more uncomfortable than Ramiele Malubay attempting to play basketball. It’s WAY more uncomfortable than Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell pretending they don’t want to have passionate buttsex. This is amazingly addictive television. Simon says her voice was straining in the middle and it became uncomfortable. Became? When was it anything but uncomfortable? If Brooke can survive even ONE week after that, I will be amazed. It was one of the most uncomfortable performances ever on the Idol stage. So I hope you all helped vote a lot!

Lizard Lips Archuleta added to the awkward moments when Seacrest asked a group of 12 year old girls to come up and hug him. “Heh heh *GASP* Heh heh heh heh *GASP* Oh my God, it’s girls *GASP* But Seacrest, I’m like you... I… *GASP* Heh heh heh heh.” Not quite as awkward as Brooke, but thanks for pretending to not be a poorly controlled puppet for a few minutes. Archie queens out again by singing “Think of Me,” a song sung by a female. He’s okay, but after listening to the original song, it seems David really butchered it and forgot some words. And why does he close his eyes so much while he sings? Does he think that signals intensity or did his dad beat him so much that his eyes don’t open all the way? Overall, it was the same overdone, decent performance he always gives. Randy calls David the one to beat. David’s father agrees. *rimshot* Paula calls it absolutely perfect. Simon thinks it was one of David’s weakest performances. I guess tonight David’s father will definitely take Randy’s comments to heart. Poor kid.

Carly Shitson is 5th, and she changes her song when Andrew Lloyd Webber asks her to. Now she’s singing “Jesus Christ Superstar,” which I will rename “Jesus Christ, This is a Terrible Performance.” She’s barely singing the correct notes, the song seems to be in the wrong key for her, and she looks completely awkward on stage. It’s a train wreck, but not quite as bad as Brooke or Jason, so again with that shit on a stick thing. Apparently she also forgot the words (I’ve never heard the song before, so I couldn’t tell you. But I saw people say that on the message board). Randy calls it good and says her outfit is fly. Paula thought it might have been too high for Carly’s range. Yeah, post-op trannies sometimes have a tough time with those high notes. Simon says other than the fact that it was a bit shouty in the middle, this was one of his favorite performances of the night. Carly then grabs a “Simon Loves Me (This Week)” shirt. Will someone just smack her upside the head with a shovel and render her unconscious for the remainder of the competition?

Last, we have David Cook. He sings “Music of the Night,” causing him to stare into Andrew Lloyd Webber’s eyes. ALW tells David to imagine he’s singing to a gorgeous 17 year old chorus girl and David awkwardly says, “Dude, I’m 25.” Somewhere Rickey.ped cries that a 17 year old can be with someone much, much older. Somewhere else, David Archuleta and Sanjaya lock themselves in a Rickey-proof room. David sings the song straight up and doesn’t rearrange it and it’s not half bad. His voice sounds a little awkward on it, but he actually hits most of the notes and you can tell he put a lot of effort into it. He also doesn’t pussy out on the big notes, which is a refreshing change of pace now that the Aussie Douchebag is gone. Randy says it’s another molten hot lava ball, whatever that means. Paula says David is a well rounded performer. I think she’s calling him fat. Simon says that this is not the side of David he likes. Well if he’s a fat lava ball, isn’t there only one side to him (the round side)? These judges need to get their stories straight.

Who goes home? Well the bottom 3 is most certainly the 3 biggest train wrecks of the night: Brooke, Jason, and Carly. I’d love to see Carly kicked out on her fat ass, but I have a feeling it’s Brooke or Jason. Not sure which one, hopefully we helped save Brooke so she can mess up even more songs next week. And if not, her resulting meltdown will be epic, so it’ll be even more entertaining.