Idols Final 5: Cracklin' Paula

“Relentless Musical Force” Neil Diamond (to quote Seacrest) is our mentor this week, a week that had strong potential for VFTW bad-goodness. The producers started the ball rolling by presenting Diamond’s starring role in the horrible, misguided remake of “The Jazz Singer”, as a success! That’s like saying “Carly Smithson’s album was beloved by hundreds.”

The Idols had to learn and perform TWO songs each this week. Add in Neil’s cornball lyrics, bullfrog croak of a voice and penchant for shiny shirts... Musical crimes were going to be committed tonight. I mean, this is the guy who seriously wrote a song about E.T. ,”Turn on Your Heart-light.” How could this NOT be a VFTW suck-stravaganza?

Well, the Dreary Ballad Bunch managed to screw up the melodies enough to render them unrecognizable and unlistenable, but in a boring, forgettable kind of way and sing them without emotion or conviction. Why would you ever change up a Neil Diamond melody? Catchy melodies are what Neil does best.

These stale, charisma-challenged contestants managed to turn the music into Snooze City. But thanks to Idol’s own resident mess, Pauler Abdul, VFTW Glory was restored.

I knew there would be problems when Ryan informed us that (due to time constraints) the judges were only going to give their assessment after the Idols’ second performances... Come on people, Paula can’t even recall her last sentence, let alone something that happened over 6 minutes prior. This was asking for trouble.

During an innocuous bit of business where Ryan asked the judges how the Idols did during their first of two songs, the wheels fell off the Idol bus and the show turned into a meta-experience.

Instead of just mentioning who she thought did the best during the first round of performances, Paula comments on Archuleta’s Castro's “second song” despite the fact that he had only sung once.  [I picked a bad day to stop sniffing glue-- CHAN]  It takes a minute before everyone catches on to what just happened, and even after Randy helpfully explains that they only sang ONE SONG so far Paula is STILL lost and confused. Awesome! Watch the recap now before Idol producers make us take it down. It only gets funnier each viewing.

Highlights include:

-- Audience girl behind Paula mouthing “what is she talking about?” before any of the producers or Randy and Simon catch on.

-- Seacrest’s “oh shit” moment and look of panic towards the producers off-stage.

--Randy’s obliviousness, as if nothing is wrong, and that this is par for the Paula Craziness Course

-- Simon bursting into laughter right before the cameras cut away.

-- David Cook’s Joker-esque grin and laughter during the whole debacle.

Idol conspiracy theorists... let’s hear your suggestions on what went wrong. Personally I think Paula was reading her notes from dress rehearsal and couldn’t remember that the 2nd performance hadn’t “happened” yet on TV. But that’s enlightening because it means the judges form their opinions DURING DRESS REHEARSALS.

And it also means that Randy and Paula are EVEN MORE horrible and pointless han we ever imagined because they can’t formulate coherent opinions or complete thoughts EVEN AFTER HEARING THESE PERFORMANCES MULTIPLE TIMES!!! Wow, that is pathetic. FIRE THEM BOTH NOW!!!

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Oh, and chalk up #8 on my list of WAYS TO IMPROVE IDOL as: More Singing, less yimmer-yammer from the judges. Tonight was exhibit A on why this NEEDS to happen in order for the show to be taken the least bit seriously ever again.

And #9: “Make them sing twice per show every week so we can see how much THEY REALLY SUCK!

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Jason Castro

Songs: “Forever in Blue Jeans” and “September Morn”

Notes: Jason busts out his gee-tar and does a serviceable Neil Diamond impersonation, but sadly Jason doesn’t have Neil’s dynamic stage presence or glittery shirt. A less than spectacular opener from Jason. Gee I wonder who the producers want to send home tomorrow?

His second song was worse. Call it “Elevator Music Morning.” Simon was right when he said that Jason gave us two versions of his same old shtick. I think Jason’s act will be more entertaining when he’s not forced to do Idol songs, but for TV show purposes he was terrible.

GRADE: D -- What with going first and sucking horribly, I don’t see any scenario where Jason doesn’t go home, or at the very least bottom two.

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David Cook

Songs: “(Thank God) I’m Alive” and “All I Really Need Is You.”

Notes: David also brings his uncanny Neil Diamond impression to the stage, and his guitar playing on MUTE. What was with the orchestra volume tonight? I couldn’t hear any of the Idols’ instrument playing. David must’ve sang it well because Neil said “It gave me goosebumps.” It just gave me mild heartburn, but then I didn’t sell 150 million albums world-wide. No kidding. It seems to me that everybody I knew had the Best of Neil Diamond cassette in their car during the ‘80s. And also Queen’s Greatest Hits.

The girls in my viewing party pointed out that David is growing his hair back into his early Horrible Hair Comb-over look.

David’s second song was more Daughtry/Fuel/Nickelback MOR vanilla “grunge” so you know Simon had an orgasm. Randy says David “rocked the house.” Apparently Randy is a bit more excitable than I am. Some people’s “rocking the house” is akin to other people’s “boring the crap out of me.” But that’s Idol Season 7, in a nutshell.

GRADE: C -- Best of the night, but points off for not covering Urge Overkill’s rockin’ cover of “Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon.” Paula declared Cook the winner mere months after everyone else already came to that same conclusion.

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Brooke White

Songs: “I’m a Believer” and “I Am, I Said”

Notes: Why the hell does Brooke start every song in this low register that she can’t sing? Oh, right, she has a four note range. Brooke stupidly sings “I’m a Believer” and gave a woeful performance worthy of a kids birthday party.

Her second song was a return to her Tori Amos-lite piano balladry. It was pedestrian and predictable where the only drama was if Brooke was going to botch the all new lyrics of “I’m from Arizona” instead of “I’m from New York.” She doesn’t. Sadly. The lyrical challenge made the beginning bit iffy, but Brooke got into the song as soon as it hit the familiar chorus. Musical Genius Randy says the melody was challenging with the “octave jumps.” But since this is Brooke with her four note range you know he’s wrong.

GRADE: D -- A FAIL on “Believer” and a generous C on “I Am..” sounds about right.

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David Archuleta

Songs: “Sweet Caroline” and “America”

Notes: My wife, a die-hard Red Sox fan shows her good taste by declaring “I hate David Archuleta” for butchering her Boston Anthem. I’m fairly certain David flubbed the lyrics in the beginning (I don’t have the energy to listen to it again), but he definitely ruins the otherwise catchy melody. Those are called “hooks”, David. Hooks are your friend. It’s the usual from Archuleta, but his arrangement sounds like a TV theme song to some “Perfect Strangers” wacky buddy show.

“America” is one of my favorite so-bad-it’s-good songs, and David manages to capture some of the earnest over-exuberance of the original Neil song. Simon sarcastically says this was a great song choice for David and that it ticked the boxes of everything the fans wanted. Hmm, cheesy, self-important singing -check. Gaspy breathing- check. Ham-fisted, patriotic flag-waving- check. Awkward, Muppet style dancing- Check. Yep, Simon is right. Another VFTW-worthy performance from the Archulater.

GRADE: C -- I had a Neil Diamond Live album as a joke, and Neil sings “America” with a voice resembling a death-rattle from a traumatized yak. So Archuleta actually sings it BETTER than the original artist. I’d say it’s a first for American Idol.

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Syesha Mercado

Songs: “Hello Again” and “Thank the Lord for the Night Time.”

Notes: My viewing party was in agreement that Syesha is a good singer but something about her bugged all of us. I still can’t put my finger on it. But it could be how “Hello Again” is turned into a bad Whitney Houston ballad and Syesha jazzes up “Thank The Lord...”

It’s all technically well sung, but dull. Add in how Syesha over-acted on both songs as instructed by the judges last week. She’s a good little Idol.

GRADE: C -- Her performances were adequate, but this will really strain the mathematics of Idol eliminations that tell us the Final Singer is always safe.

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So another could've been great Idol show was turned into relentless tedium by these bland singers and their horrible ballad love. But thanks to Paula’s colossal brain meltdown we learned more secrets on how Idol is rigged, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.

--Chan