A Letter to Fremantle

Dear FremantleMedia:

Winning American Idol is a dubious honor. Once upon a time, it was the ultimate prize (a record contract, wow!) The world is different now. Everyone within a ten-mile radius of the show strikes the record deal of their choosing, while winners are restricted to a tight contract with you. And that prize isn't worth what it once was.

BUT WHY?

You are a corporation that has proven your inability to cobble together a record or promote anyone who isn't a doe-eyed, country/pop princess. If I am a contestant on your show and not said doe-eyed girl (if I'm a bohemian Fiona Apple type, or a cutting edge Beck type, or a whacky Flaming Lips type) I do not want to sign with you. If I do, I will be forced to release an ill-fitting, watered-down pop LP, and my record will tank.

So this, my final post, is my letter to you, Fremantle. Your ratings are down. You're scurrying for answers. How to improve the show? You're getting all kinds of suggestions, but the main one, the big one, is this: make winning American Idol worth something again. Because right now, it's worth zip.

DIVERSIFY

Your audience is bored, so start by branching out your musical repertoire. Hire some staffers with an ear for genre variety. There is more to music than alternative radio rock (Chris Daughtry), power girl pop (Kelly Clarkson) and pop-country (Carrie Underwood). A lot more.

Don't worry. I know you're a corporation, so I have your bottom line in mind. The music I'm talking about is completely capable of bringing in the green if promoted and nurtured in just the right way. Look at the Arcade Fire, Frou Frou, Gorillaz, Sia Furler, Goldfrapp, Franz Ferdinand, Regina Spektor, Wilco, the White Stripes, Iron and Wine, Ani DiFranco, LCD Soundsystem, the National, Stars, My Morning Jacket, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, the Prodigy, Muse, Sufjan Stevens, Tori Amos, Feist, the Postal Service, Bright Eyes, the Rapture, Cat Power, and the tons of other recording artists out there—right at this very second—who don't fit into any particular mold and still sell bazillions of records. It can be done.

HYPOTHETICAL WINNERS

Here's your homework. Study music (all music) this summer. That way, if come next season your winner is not another boring, cute-as-a-button caucasian pop star, you'll have a better idea what to do with them.

Let's say next season's winner is a Southern Soul Rocker (like Taylor Hicks or Bo Bice… they had some talent, and you completely mangled them both). Use the following song as a jumping off point: "Home" by Marc Broussard. We want rousing, rocking anthems from our home grown southern boys. We want to feel the beat in our bayou bones.

Let's say next season's winner is an R&B Diva (like Fantasia Barrino or this year's Syesha Mercado). Check out tracks that won't lead your sultry songstress astray, like "Certainly" by Erykah Badu or "100 Days, 100 Nights" by Sharon Jones & the Dap Kings. Just because your winner is African American and sings R&B doesn't mean she needs to Whitney out every note. The real appeal of the genre is the smooth, the slow, and the sensual, which Ms. Badu has down to a tee. And if you must show off your winner's big voice, do it like Ms. Jones does. Do it well.

Finally, let's say your worst fears are realized. Let's say, hypothetically, Vote For the Worst's Pick, whoever that may be, actually wins the whole darn shabang. I know… I know… it's the crest of the rollercoaster, the den of the dragon, that place where fear lives.

TEN VFTW WINNERS

Let's say the hypothetical VFTW winner has everything this site loves: a whacky personality, a rebellious streak, a weird and/or shitty voice and (God forbid) a sense of humor. Believe it or not, a VFTW winner would not spell the end of your show. No, really. It wouldn't. Below are ten relatively recent recording artists—both indie and mainstream—who are all perfectly marketable, put out good music, and would've been primo VFTW picks had they competed on the Idol stage:

1) Art Brut. Lead man Eddie Argos can't sing a note, but his is still "the band that is going to write the song that makes Israel and Palestine get along." If Simon ever attempted to rip Eddie apart… oh, the flippant comebacks. They would be quite priceless. And entertaining TV!

2) Smog. Bill Callahan's deep, rumbling voice and a laid-back beat are the appeal of the musical will and testament, "Dress Sexy at My Funeral." Callahan urges his wife to wear heels and "a skirt split up to there" at his funeral, so he can show off how hot his widow is. It's a touching love song, actually.

3) Björk. She beats Sanjaya in the strange hair department. Oh, and she's one of the world's most well-known, innovative, and artistic performers. An undiscovered Björk in full swan garb might've been included in the "bad audition phase" of American Idol (the very thought makes me nauseous), and your imbecile judges would've ripped her a new one. VFTW, on the other hand, would worship this eccentric Icelandic goddess of song and her weird ways.

4) The Moldy Peaches. Juno proved what we already knew: there is a mainstream audience for the ultra lo-fi. You don't need to over-produce your winner's CD. Adam Green* and Kimya Dawson sound like they recorded "Steak for Chicken" on a tape player in their basement. The lyrics are surprisingly vulgar and ridiculously clever.

5) Electric Six. Electric Six has more fun rocking out than any supposed "rocker" to ever set foot on the Idol stage. Here's a nice, glib quote from Dick Valentine to mentally prepare yourself for the musical experience that is Electric Six: "For the first time, none of our songs have the word "dance" in the title. But fear not. We have songs with "drugs" and "girls" and "tonight" and "louder" and "party" in the title, so we haven't given up on our philosophy just yet."

6) Man Man. "Engrish Bwudd" starts, "All I want to be is a shovely bubbly gobbly gook!" Man Man has turned "making no sense" into an art form, and this song, a tinker-tank scrambling of the Jack and the Beanstalk motif ("I smell the bwudd of an Engrish man!"), is completely infectious.

7) Joanna Newsom. This avante garde girl may LOOK like the perfect pretty Idol contestant, but she sounds like a little old granny. She sings in her "untrainable" freak folk timber while playing a giant harp, and she's overly fond of alliteration ("Peach! Plum! Pear!"). Her label, Drag City, is also raking in a load of cash.

8) The Flaming Lips. These guys are bizarre. Weirdness for the sake of weirdness. They make Sanjaya look like Carrie Underwood. They also sell out arenas. If Wayne Coyne showed up on American Idol, soaking himself in fake blood, shooting confetti at the crowd while alien girls and Santa Clauses danced behind him… you'd kick this man off your stage, wouldn't you? And Wayne would go on his merry way and make millions of dollars for one of your competitors.

9) Cibo Matto. Oh no. They're Asian. On American Idol, that means they're cannon fodder. But Cibo Matto is a cult phenomenon with a huge following, and the band isn't even together anymore! Frankly, if Yuka Honda and Miho Hatori graced the Idol stage singing one of their signature food songs from Viva! La Woman, you can bet they'd also be gracing the VFTW banner in a heartbeat.

10) Modest Mouse. Modest Mouse is a contemporary act with indie fans and hits on the radio. The band's frenetic, rocked-out pop songs are as unpredictable and eclectic as their sweaty, head-bashing live shows. Like every other act in this list, they're perfect VFTW candidates who wouldn't make the American Idol semi-finals. Think about that, Producers. Modest Mouse's last album reached #1 on the Billboard charts.

There you go, Fremantle. Study hard this summer. Immerse yourself in a much-needed deluge. Return for Season Eight of American Idol with a new plan for your television show, but more importantly, a more open-minded idea of what is good music.

Wishing you nothing but the best,

Laura

P.S. As a personal favor, give me some distinctive looking contestants next season. More Amandas and Jasons. They make for funnier caricatures.