Canadian Idol 6 Episode 1-Auditions, Part 1-TONCA's a Big Fat Liar

Canadian Idol's back with an endless supply of fame whores willing to humiliate themselves before an entire nation for 4 months for the chance to sell 5000 records. And CTV starts off by reminding VFTW that the show is completely rigged by producer John Brunton as they replay Brian Melo stealing the CI5 title from true winner and VFTW legend Jaydee Bixby. But Brunton's schemes last year pale in comparison to the group of ringers he's brought in this season as he makes one final, desperate attempt to save his show (and ass). But VFTW, and maybe Earl Stevenson (pictured left), have a big surprise for him.

Toronto

Brunton's hometown is up first and he's determined that Toronto doesn't go as long without an Idol as they've gone without a Stanley Cup (40 years lol). Up first is Gary Sneedon, a complete douchebag who's completely atonal and just plain weird but unlike Blake Lewis, he doesn't make the show. Diane Salvatore's next and she sings Joplin just like Amanda...if she were falling off a cliff. Next is M.C., who's too cool for a full name. MC must stand for Mucho Crappo as he's like a drunk Bobby Bennett. And then comes Taylor Abrahamse, who sings Queen's Tie Your Mother Down but mixes it up by doing The Chipmunks version. With his pics as a delusional, fat kid and general freaky childhood, Taylor is reminding us of David Archuleta, holding the promise of 4 months of incomplete sentences and gasping for air.

CI's saved its first pimp spot for Vanessa Kalala, who must've thought this was an auditon for The Toronto Argos as she's a 300 pound lineman. She sings some J-Hud but the comparisons stop beyond their fat asses. But her fat ass is tiny compared to Brunton's, who now sinks to his lowest level by bringing in Tetiana Ostapowych. You may remember her from American Idol 7 when Simon inferred she is an arrogant bitch. Well, after failing on AI7, CI is next on Tetiana's reality-whore food chain. And Tetiana spent too much time with Carly Smithson while on AI as she starts off her relationship with Canada with a big fat lie as she passes on a perfect opening to tell us she was just on AI and instead lies directly to us by saying she's been up to A Whole lotta Nothin'. And while Tetiana can change her nationality, there's one thing she cannot change...the fact that she's a mediocre singer, at best. But her sense of self-entitlement holds the promise of much bitchiness towards the judges and other contestants, so VFTW may jump aboard the Tittiana Train yet. Omar Lunan brings us the first mystery of the year, as he's a father, meaning he's had sex with a woman at least once, yet sings Whitney Houston. And he's obviously confused by his orientation as he's staring at the sky while singing. Sass tells him he's a bit on the runny side, which could be said of her nose when she was coking back in the 80s.

Cowgary

It's time to meet some inbred hicks as we're off to Calgary. And CI proves that America has no exclusivity on douchebags as it's time to meet The Pigott Brothers. First is Oliver, who's been living in The UK and is first in line to be Brunton's personal Boy Toy this year as he's already been pimping him. Oliver has goat vibrato and makes constipated faces Daughtry can only dream of, all while posing in the most annoying stance ever. It took a lot of effort, but he was finally able to squeeze out a nice smelly turd resembling a song. And the judges made sure Oliver was all clean after as they gave him the biggest ass licking ever. His brother Sebastian is next and is singing in the identical constipated pose as his brother but his butthole must not be as tasty as Oliver's as the tongue job is shorter for him.

Next is a parade of Calgary fame whores, all inspired by Jaydee, ready to wear their cowboy hats, sing Elvis and give their sisters a big, wet smooch on the lips. Next to audition is Courtney Waldy, a delusional blonde who the judges realize has tried out before...and before...and before. She sings some Whitney, sounding a bit like Miss Houston...after a three-day crack binge. And while 50-year-old Gay Borat Uri Maserati may be living in Italy with his husband, at least we got Franco Baccari, who's a Gay Borat who can rap! But he's a little too gangsta as security has to drag his ass out of the room. And now it's time for some serious pimpage as Jesse Cottam walks in the room and looks like he failed an audition for a Goo Goo Doll cover band, or Dot Dot Dot at the very least. He sings Talks To Angels and with his feminine looks and affectations, is the perfect male for this show.

Jully Black must owe some massive money as she's signed on to this show to serve as a den mother to the Idols. Maybe she can make sure that they don't all turn into fat pigs from endlessly eating Kraft Dinner, like last year's obesse Top 10. And she may want to mentor Theo Tams about anti-persperant, as he brings world-class pit stains to his audition. He says he's kinda nervous. No kidding! We wrap up Calgary with a parade of whores, skanks, bimbos and other Calgary girls who you may remember from flamesgirls.com (greatest site ever, now defunct

Edmonton

We now go north of Calgary to Edmonton, where instead of being a bunch of inbred hicks wearing cowboy hats, they're a bunch of inbred hicks wearing baseball caps. Aaron Biblow's up first and he really should stick with acid instead of mixing it with meth. Jason Morgan's next and is doing fine as he's playing the longest guitar intro ever. He's looking like a lock...until he ruins it all by singing. Aleena Cherry is next and she won't be breaking her Idol cherry as she massacres Whitney. Next, you've all heard of classic rock, progressive rock, soft rock. Now, it's time to hear some Inbred Rock as Greg McKenna's up. And only if Greg could sing as well as he begs and whine, he might make it in life.

While all these hicks are fine, we've yet to see a redneck in the class of VFTW legend Jaydee Bixby but that all changes once Breana Chalifour walks in the room. The judges ask her what year it is in Yugo Saskatchewan or wherever the fuck's she's from. And while the judges realize that a fat, ugly, delusional hick has no chance on the show, they realize a golden opportunity for future humiliation when they see one and, after much begging, give her a gold ticket. And this leads to the first great VFTW moment of the season as CI shows a montage of fame whores begging, whining, pleading, crying and doing anything to make it on this show and give some sort of meaning to their otherwise hopeless lives.

Just like on American Idol, CI likes to save something till the end just for VFTW and closes out this show with Earl Stevenson's audition, who Uhhhh, works at Bob's Backo with a, uhhhhhhh, shovel and, uhhhhhh, is a stoner snowboarder, dude, which is overtaking the beaver and Mountie as the number 1 Canadian stereotype. And you better batten down the hatches as Earl has more twitches than someone with Tourettes on crack. Earl is freaky, fun, a stoner and not too great...all the qualities the CI judges (and VFTW!) love.

Well, it took all of a one hour episode for CI6 to be better than AI7. While it's fun to mock Prairie hicks and the boredom that's Toronto, it's time to get down to serious business next week as we're off to my hometown of Montreal, which is always a goldmine of VFTW freaks, trannies and Chicks With Dicks. And after 2 years of waiting, will we finally get to hear the Fetus sing? VFTW's greatest mystery ever is only 5 days away from being answered!

If you have anything to say, leave a comment, send me a PM or go tell Brunton that VFTW is getting ready to expose all his plants and ploys, just like we did on AI7.

STP (smarterthanpickler)