Canadian Idol 6, Top 20 (Part 1) - Mark Day Is A Giant Chubby Newfie Grape!

While July 1 is Canada Day, the next three months at VFTW will be Mark Day, and what a chubby Newfie day it’ll be as VFTW’s favorite show is back. We get one final glimpse of the four who were humiliatingly cut last week, or at least a final look until we see them serving gas to us next week. Ben introduces the judges as The Four Horseman Of The Apocalypse, but Ben looks more like a horse’s ass with his Don Johnson get-up, complete with fake tan.

CTV has become obsessed with VFTW and they know we’ve chosen Mark Day as our pick, and they understand all the awesomeness associated with that. So in an effort to counter our power, they've placed Mark first in the spot of death. Mark tells us he was bullied when he was young but VFTW’s got your back Mark as the bullying we’re going to do to your castmates over the next three months will make anything done to you pale in comparison. Mark’s doing In Love With a Girl and he’s the complete VFTW package as last week he showed us his gay chubby Newfie side, this week he shows us his pure crappy singing and dancing side. And the judges believe Mark singing about being in love with a girl is as believable as Rosie O’Donnell singing she’s in love with a boy. Zack tells us everyone is Newfoundland is a big drunk and will keep Mark around forever, but if Mark’s going to be a grape in his purple shirt, at least be Giant Grape…a giant chubby Newfie VFTW grape. And with VFTW, Chubarama and Newfoundland joining forces, there’s little doubt Mark will have more than enough time to stick around and ripen into the finest VFTW fruit.

Paul Clifford’s next and while he can cut his hair, he cannot cut his pot stomach. Paul tells us the biggest lie of the year as he says he loves jogging, all while his mantits are flopping across the screen. Paul’s singing Apparitions and while his fake rasp and affections are no apparition, seeing Canada’s number 1 Fantard Frogtard appear on our screen in all her sign holding glory is one! She’s dropped Oliver Pigott after last week’s disgusting performance, although Paul could pass around a bucket, have the audience take a dump in it and bath in it and still be less disgusting than Oliver. Ben wraps things up by telling us that coming next, it’s Marrrrrrrrieeeeeeeeeeee-Pieeerrrrrrrrrreeee Beellllllllllrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooosssssssseeeeeeeee!

We’re back and Ben’s talking with his favorite contestant to sabotage, Marrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiieeeeeee-PPPPiiiiiierrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeee Belllllllllrrrrrrrrrrroooooooosssssssseeeeee. She tells us she hangs tissues to ceilings, and Ben disgustingly tells us he had tissues stuck to his ceiling as a kid, all while his father was leading the most corrupt government ever. But Marie will have to wait as Drew Wright’s next, who’s unknown song is complimented by his unknown lyrics as he’s mumbling the first part of the song. But then the lyrics become crystal clear as he begins screeching more than loudly enough for people to understand. The judges think Drew would be a good radio performer, meaning he is FAR too ugly to be seen by the public.

Next is Ben’s favorite contestant to sabotage, Marrrrrriiiiiiiieeeee-Piiiierrrrrrrreeeeee Beeeellllllllllllllllleeeeerrrrrrrrrossssssssssseeee! She thought she was too serious last week as she watched back her performance as a French singing robot. She simplifies it this week by bolting her ass to stage as she sings some Amanda Marshall. She’s hiding her 32Bs so her singing is going to have to carry her but sitting is having a bad effect on her voice as she’s missing as many notes as she’s hitting. I wonder if standing up will make a difference but what do you know, she’s still missing just as many notes. And Ben is determined to destroy any chance Marie may have had by annoyingly ending her segment with the ultimate kiss of death, saying MERCI!, just like larcange would.

Zack has been complaining of a lack of star power but that is immediately remedied as it’s time for a segment with the TRUE star of Canadian Idol, its tranny hairdresser Justin! He tells Lisa she should straighten her hair for the full tranny look. VFTW’s favorite hairdresser tells Jesse he’ll need multiple products if he wants to look like a Goo Goo Doll. As we see Oliver Pigott’s shaved hair, the look of relief on tranny hairdresser’s face can be seen for miles as he knows he won't have to touch Oliver’s disgusting head. Tranny hairdresser admires Katelyn’s naturally straight hair. As for admiring her naturally blond hair, no comment.

We go from the sublimely fabulous to the sublimely dull as Mookie Norris is next. He tells us he plays all instruments and says one day he will learn to sing, but first must learn to talk as he goes on some unintelligible delusional rant about once having a future in hockey. He’s doing the Kooks’ Naïve, and he’s a naïve dumbass if he thinks doing unknown songs will get him anywhere on this show. And he’s also naïve if he thinks the colony of rats living in his hair won’t be leaving if he doesn’t wash his it for a long enough time.

The less disgusting Pigott is up next as it’s Sebastian’s turn, although he could lick his way along the entire length of Younge Street and still be less disgusting than Oliver, although he’s coming closer by telling us he has three of something people usually have two of. But one thing he doesn’t have one, two or three of is a voice, as he mumbles and screams his way through Daydream. And his half poser stance is more effective than his brother’s as he’s freely able to squeeze all the crap out of him, while his brother still has years of crap piled up inside. Zack thinks this is a perfect time to come out as he tells Sebastian he has a man crush on him. Jake likes the scat part, although it’s the type of scat you’d more likely find in some bizarre German film.

Lisa Bell and Martin Kerr are next and the excitement these two bring combined still isn’t enough for me to write a complete entry. CTV knows how VFTW completely destroyed American Idol 7 by exposing all their plants, so they’ve taken pre-emptive action by telling us all about Martin’s and Lisa’s plantiness. Martin’s first and he tells us he lived in Beijing for a few years, where the first thing he learnt to say was Big Red Ugly Freak. He’s doing In Your Eyes and he if he can see the heat in your eyes, he can see the fug in VFTW’s eyes as he’s the ugliest Idol contestant ever. Jake said he doesn’t feel the despair, but maybe he’ll be feeling it as Martin’s standing in the middle of the stage on Wednesday. And the ugliness remains in VFTW’s eyes as Lisa Bell’ s next. She wants to show us a softer side, and maybe she can mellow out a bit by hanging with her reggae rocker dad and get some of his second-hand smoke. She's doing Dock Of The Bay and so much for the softer side as she’s bringing enough screeching and melisma to make Jessica Sheppard’s mom puke.

The most disgusting thing to come off the internet since this David Cook fanvid is next in Gary Morisette. He tells us his band is taking a break, just like Nirvana. Gary provides us a look into his future as he does Mr. Bo Jangles, a song about a busker. Gary wants to show us he can sing this week. Big mistake, as this version will get him back onto the internet faster than a picture of Miley Cyrus making out with her friends.

The question of who gives the greatest blow jobs on the show this year is answered as the pimp spot is given to Amberly Thiessen. She’s from Seven Persons, a product of polygamists with pathetic grammar. She’s doing Everything I Own by Bread and passes the audition for the Feist cover band. And while people may be feeling the love for Amberly, they can forget about it as Sass and Zack have completely sold out to VFTW, calling her a plant. But Farley’s ready for dinner as he says I like Bread!

Farley will talk a huge crap after he eats his bread but it’ll smell like roses compared to the dumps Paul, Drew, Mookie, Sebastian, Lisa, Martin and Gary took tonight. But Mark Day is immune from these smells as he can relax knowing that VFTW, Newfoundland and Chubarama have joined forces and will be taking him all the way to the finals of Canadian Idol. But first we must deal with the second half of the Top 20, when the rest of our male candidates come out, Adam bitches his way through the entire show, Jessica Sheppard takes the melisma to a higher level and Oliver Pigott somehow matches, or even goes beyond, what was the most disgusting performance ever, something VFTW has no doubt he can do.

STP (smarterthanpickler)

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