Guys Singing

American Idol starts a new season in typical style, with “typical” meaning mundane, average, mediocre.  If you’ve ever seen an episode of Idol, then you’ve seen this one.  From the boring renditions of boring songs, to the Patented American Idol Goofy Hand Gestures While Singing, to the ogling the camera as it whizzes past to the requisite bad singing.  Once again the AI Fashion Team has no idea what actual pop singers wear, opting for “Business Casual” for this episode. 

 

Grading the Idols

Tonight our VFTW job begins.  Not that 80,000 hours of crappy singing isn’t “fun” but no, it’s not fun at all.  What is fun is listening to the “best singers in America” rise or fall based on dopey musical themes.  Where every news program, web-site and fan forum creates “front-runners”, despite the fact that voting starts new each week.  Also fun is when fan favorites are sent packing during Sweeps week for ratings. 

 

Grading The Idols is my sarcastic opinion about how the finalists are doing.  I don’t have insider information on voting totals or show machinations.  I have NO BIAS.  I’m an equal opportunity insulter, so if I like certain singers I say it up front, but then beat them down if they suck.  For the preliminary weeks I will be using a PASS, FAIL grade for each singer to measure their performances. 

 

I will be using the all-new Report Card System created by Dave, er I mean Professor Chan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Final Thoughts:

A dreary night of mediocre singing, enlivened only by the wit of Chris Sligh and the awfulness of Sundance Head.  Apparently “pitchy” is this year’s “pitchy” as that’s the only comment Randy could come up with.  Which is one more than Paula who is back to parroting everything Randy says.  Paula, if you’re not acting all drunk and skanky you’re wasting space on this show.  By the way I looked up “pitchy” and it means “Covered in pitch.”  Which is tar.  It doesn’t say anything about “Appearing out of tune to a tone-deaf judge.” 

 

Tomorrow: Girls Singing

AMAZING -- 3 Million Hits over two days!!!  We love every single one of you.  Even the people that disagree with me.  

These observations were written pre-booting on Thursday.  They're still valid though.

Girls Sing

Wow.  Since AI is a singing contest they should just do away with this nonsense of voting and have a 15 week four-way sing-off between Stephanie Edwards, Sabrina Sloan, Melinda Doolittle and Lakisha Jones.  That way we’d have great singing and a true champion will emerge.  Well, since AI isn’t actually about the singing then we need the charade of voting and tone-deaf judging, and awful singers hanging around to amuse us.  I will say that if one of those four doesn’t win American Idol this year, a serious injustice will have been perpetrated… or VFTW carried Sundance Head to a championship!

 

I’m using my patented PASS, FAIL grading system but the Furious Four girls immediately jump to the head of the class.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That was fun, actually.  Even the mediocre girls blew away anything the boys foisted upon us last night.  Does that mean a girl is a lock to win AI?  Hah!  This is Idol, where big personalities trump singing and talent.  And don’t forget the power of VFTW.

 

Thanks to Jenn Brasler’s wonderful American Idol recap on RealityNewsOnline for helping me with the song titles.  I’m proudly oblivious to the entire Celine Deion songbook. 

 

Until next week, adios peoples.  Remember Vote Sundance and Antonella!!

Chan

There won't be a False Idols this week for the females, and we apologize for the down time on the site! We couldn't anticipate the over three million hits to the entire site we received in just two days, and now we're on a much bigger server to handle the ever growing popularity. Thanks to all who voted for Sundance and Antonella, hope that they're safe tonight! If you have an athena.thinktheweb address in your browser with no graphics on the site, and you can't view the message board, the site is just propogating for you, you'll get the full site very soon

Well, it’s time for the infamous chair episode, otherwise known as a gigantic waste of time that stretches a boring event out into an hour of sheer torture. To make this week’s column more fun to read, I’ll be analyzing everyone who made it through on a scale of 1-10 based on their VFTW potential. 1 is the next mega pop star Kelly Clarkson while 10 is the next floundering Scott Savol. Most of the losers who didn’t make it weren’t very interesting, so I’m not going to bother writing about them. I shall, however, mention the lovely Anna Kearns, who made me die laughing when she was shocked she didn’t make it. “Seriously? For real? Ain’t nobody like this on the show! I’m just shocked.” Such bravado, and she knows what she wants. I love her! Someone needs to get her an honorary Worster membership, she’s great!

 

So how likely is it that any of these people will become the next VFTW pick? Remember: 1=not VFTW at all, while 10=automatic first round VFTW pick. Remember though, things can change in an instant depending on next week's performances, so I'm keeping an open mind.

 

Alaina Alexander

She cries all the time for no good reason. VFTW loves that stuff! She says she won’t cry in front of the judges, but then starts crying again. Her performance of Without You is actually better than her previous singing, but it was still bad. She also asks Simon for advice and he tells her to blow her nose. Alaina seems like she’s looks over talent, so she’ll probably deliver some clunkers for us.

VFTW Potential: 6

 

Antonella Barba

One of the nasty BFF’s, Antonella seemed to be the quiet, nicer girl. Of course, anyone would look quiet and nice next to Amanda, but Antonella proved she could screw things up just as much on her own when she forgot the words to her final performance. Being that she’s the only one who did this, being that she seems to have a nasty attitude and a horrible taste in friends, and being that no one seems to like her, Antonella is the prime VFTW choice for females right now.

VFTW Potential: 8

 

Rudy Cardenas

We haven’t seen much of him, but he sings a lot like a Hispanic Clay Aiken. It’s very Broadway and very over the top, but he wasn’t that bad. When he sang Georgia On My Mind tonight, though, it was over the top annoying, especially with the crappy falshitto. It’s too early to tell where he’s going to fall, he could go either way.

VFTW Potential: 4

 

Melinda Doolittle

She’s a shy, likeable background singer who wants her big break. This girl is too nice and doesn’t even choke under pressure. She sings well and she even kissed the judges when she made it through. No dice here yet.

VFTW Potential: 2

 

Gina Glocksen

She’s being megapimped this year, but it’s obvious she isn’t going to live up to the pimpage. Gina fell apart last year, and we expect her to do the same this year, with or without her newfound confidence and 10 extra pounds. She kind of deviates between likeable and not, but her singing hasn’t been all that great. She’s probably a lock for the top 12, though I see her sucking quite a bit in the future based on being a fake rocker who will pick bad songs.

VFTW Potential: 6

 

Sundance Head

No one sucked as much as Sundance did in Hollywood, yet he made it through anyway. He butchered his first song, he screamed like an off-key dying cat in his group performance, and he can’t seem to find shirts that actually button. This guy is a train wreck of epic proportions, and I’m happy to be along for the ride. He could definitely surprise us by hitting it out of the ballpark with a song he knows, but even if he does, he’ll be dead in the water come theme week time. Sundance singing disco will be hysterical. ManBearPig is a prime VFTW target at this point.

VFTW Potential: 9

 

Leslie Hunt

She was overpimped before the season started (she’s the Baby, I Love You girl from the commercials), but then we didn’t see her at all for the entire season thus far. Her voice is kind of husky and deep, and actually when I relistened to it after some prompting, she was incredilbly off key. I didn't catch that the first time. Hmmm... interesting.

VFTW Potential:4

 

Lakisha Jones

Lakisha is this year’s B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A. She’s also pimped like hell because she loves her daughter, and doesn’t want to go back to work at the bank, and she just… wants… her… chance. The pimping is unbearable, she’s not going home anytime soon.

VFTW Potential: 2

 

Paul Kim

This guy is terrible. He’s only here because Idol wants to promote a positive Asian male on the show. We get it. But this one can’t sing. He breathes really heavy and licks his lips to look incredibly creepy. It’s just awful. He also claims he will be barefoot every week, forever. This will get old incredibly fast and people will hate him. All of this combined makes Paul a great VFTW candidate, but will he stick around long enough for us to pick him?

VFTW Potential: 8

 

Blake Lewis

The beat boxer is getting by based on his beat boxing and not his singing. He sings poorly, so he covers it up with his little trick of beat boxing when the song starts tanking. I also see Blake beat boxing his way through completely inappropriate theme weeks with hilarious results. He won’t be our first pick, but I’d be surprised if we didn’t end up voting for Blake at some point this season.

VFTW Potential: 8

 

Tom Lowe

Why did they cut the hot, British gay guy? Seriously. We got fucking Sanjaya instead of the hot British guy. I hate this show. DAMN YOU, IDOL!!!

Potential to star in a hot porn video: 10

 

Sanjaya Malakar

He’s got a really creepy smile and only sings semi-well. He looks really awkward while singing and can’t really perform well. He’s also a non-threatening young male, so the tweentards will love that. Also, he’s either obviously gay or just really effeminate, and Idol’s homophobia will try to prevent him from going too far. Also, if he sticks around, we get more lame segments with his sister coming to visit.

VFTW Potential: 7

 

Nick Pedro

He couldn’t harmonize in Hollywood, he sang with a very affected tone at his audition, and he quit last year to be dramatic. His performance of When You Love a Woman was pretty awful. Unless he magically produces singing talent soon, he’s toast. And he’s not as interesting as the other VFTW picks thus far.

VFTW Potential: 7

 

Chris Richardson

This wannabe Justin Timberlake is annoying as hell. His voice is irritating and affected, and I can’t stand listening to it. He’s like a third rate Elliott Yamin, but more attractive. The only reason this guy might stick around would be his looks… he doesn’t have much else to offer. His bad voice isn’t enough to make him VFTW just yet.

VFTW Potential: 5

 

Brandon Rogers

He’s boring as all hell, but good looking and a competent singer. He’s another background singer who wants his shot, but isn’t as likeable or memorable as Melinda.

VFTW Potential: 3

 

Hailey Scarnato

This girl is boring with a capital B. She can’t sing all that well, and she massacred It’s All Coming Back to Me Now when they showed her little clip tonight. To be fair, she didn’t suck as bad before, and she’s probably too boring to become a VFTW pick… at least for now.

VFTW Potential: 5

 

Chris Sligh

I have to admit, this guy is pretty funny and I do like him. He’s quite a character, but his singing is subpar. Even the judges said this, basically saying he got through based on personality. That’s a great VFTW indicator. He also doesn’t look like an American Idol at all. I think Chris will be a lock for the top 12 with or without VFTW, even if he sucks really bad, but late in the game he may become our Taylor Hicks. If he can pick quirky performances, act goofy, and eventually piss of the judges, we’ll probably come calling.

VFTW Potential: 7

 

Jordin Sparks

She’s this year’s Lisa Tucker, but she seems to be better than Lisa. Randy said she fell apart in Hollywood though, so maybe there’s hope for her. Her age is a good sign, because most 16 year olds start to perform poorly after a while.

VFTW Potential: 4

 

Phil Stacy

Phil is just a terrible singer. Awful. He missed his daughter’s birth, which makes him seem even less likeable, and he just looks awkward on stage. He also did some stupid hand waving thing when they announced the top 24 that made me want to slap him. Overall, his terrible singing voice is going to alienate people quickly, so if VFTW picks him, we’ll have to work overtime to save him.

VFTW Potential: 9

 

A.J. Tabaldo, Stephanie Edwards, Nicole Tranquillo, Jared Cotter, Amy Krebs, Sabrina Sloan

I don’t know enough about these singers to make a judgment call yet. They could be great or they could be awful. The standouts seem to be Stephanie and Nicole, who were excellent singers. Sabrina also gushed, “Oh my gosh, I love this show!” prompting VFTW to hate her for liking such an awful show.

VFTW Potential: ?

 

The voting is about to start! Can you feel the excrement? Check back next Tuesday and Wednesday to vote along with us, because VFTW won't succeed without lots of help. Visit the message board during the shows to help us decide who to vote for, or check back at 10:01 PM Eastern time both nights to see our male and female picks front and center and to call in some votes for them! We'll even post the phone numbers on the site so you don't need to watch the show. How's that for good service?

See you next week!

A totally pointless show.  The Elevator of Shame and “Here in this” Chair get more screen time than most of the singing FINALISTS.  Maybe that’s a good thing.

My impression of the people that didn’t make it.

1.     Who?  Most of these people made no impression on me.

2.     Both Anna the Gigantress and Tami the Beast go home early.

My quick impressions of the finalists. 

 

1. Sanjaya Malakar – Simon’s Indian boy-crush.  I actually liked the 5 seconds of his vocals they showed from Hollywood.
2. Melinda Doolittle – the professional background SINGER, who the show acts all surprised about when she can actually SING.  I bet she rocked on group sing day.  She’s likeable enough, don’t know if she has the charisma or huge personality disorder that could launch her to the top.
3. Brandon Rogers – Professional background singer, who sung with Christina and other stars… who would’ve thought HE could sing?  (note the sarcasm)
4. Gina Bitch-son – Gina has a Cher voice, and the dubious distinction of declaring, “I don’t care about anybody but myself” in front of millions of impressionable AI viewers.  And she’s a beast.  Should be gone by Wednesday.
5. Haylie, Rudy, Alaina Alexander, Sabrina Sloan, Nicole Tranquillo, Jarrod Cotter—Who are these people?  Would’ve been nice to you know, hear them sing.  And if they did sing… then they didn’t put any dent on my memory.  Bye-bye boring people.
6. Phil “Howie Mandell” Stacey – I hated this guy and his manufactured “just had a baby” back-story.  But then he imitated the jaguar dance from that other fool, so now I love Howie.
7. Chris “Jack Osborne” Sligh – the guy’s got cajones, that’s for sure.  He makes a joke as he takes a seat in “Here in this” Chair.  He’s entertaining and that’s a desperately needed commodity with these dull as dirt finalists.
8. Beat Box Blake – I actually enjoy this guy as well.  Can he win?  Probably not, but don’t count him out from appearing on The Fat Boys reunion tour.
9. Paul Kim – Paul loses points with me as he’s barefoot and declares, “I’ll never wear shoes on the show.  Being barefoot, that’s my thing.”  I guess being “The Asian Guy That’s Not William Hung” wasn’t a big enough gimmick.  I already hate the barefoot thing.  How is that going to endear him to teenage girls and their moms watching at home?
10.  Jordin Sparks – the Coke New Singer  Award winner and AI Ringer.  She bugs me in that showbiz kid overly perky way.  But then again, how many other Finalists have a dad that was an NFL Linebacker?  She should win for that.
11. AJ Tabaldo – They show a close-up of his wisp thin pubic mustache while singing an Ace song.  I’ve got my barf bag ready for when he appears on the show again.
12. Stephanie Edwards – a ballsy soul singer who gives off a Nadia vibe.  Like Nadia she’ll start singing songs nobody ever heard and will disappear soon after the bottom feeders are gone.
13.  Leslie Hunt – My choice for first finalist to freak out on-stage.  She definitely gives off a stalker, ex-girlfriend vibe.  I’m hoping she lasts a while.
14. Nick Pedro-  Has all the hallmarks of dismal AI failure.  He indicates while singing, (points to his head during “thinking about you” lyric.)  Then strikes a cocky arms crossed pose during his dance off.  Has a Scott Savol feel to him.
15. Chris Richardson- He makes jerky, egotistical faces while singing.  I like him as a VFTW candidate.
16.  Lakishia Jones – They’re going for a Fantasia, I have a little daughter feel-good story with her.  Lakishia sports a bad comb over.  She sounds great but her lyrics are incoherent.
17.  Amy Krebs – Cute button nose, pretty eyes, melodramatic X-Tina singing.
18.  Antonella – Gets to the finals because of her boobs.  I predict she goes out like the other blandly beautiful, weak-singing girls who always exit early on AI. 
19.  Sundance Head – Funny name, tangled forest of chest hair, great Ming The Merciless beard.  He looks like John Candy in Uncle Buck with his rain coat.  I love this guy. 

 

The best part of the show was the final two chairs.  They made a Donald Trump ridiculous leap of logic on both of them.  “Malissa, you were the best singer of the day in Hollywood.  Antonella, you’ve got huge boobs.  I think Antonella gets the edge.”  And then: “Sundance, you were the best in the early rounds but you screwed the pooch in the critical ‘don’t forget the lyrics’ challenge and sucked hard in Hollywood.  But you’ve got chutzpah, so yeah, Sundance is in the finals.”

 

So finally, FINALLY we’ve got the Final FINALS.  Next Week.  It’s the brutal 50% cut from 24 to 12 singers.  Remember to VOTE FOR THE WORST!  Or at least Sundance, Beat Box Blake or Chris Sligh.

 

Chan

Hey everybody it’s Hollywood Week, annually the lowest rated episodes of AI.  That is why they’re scrunched into a measly two hours of TV.  And even THEN they’re too long.

 

So we get all the crying.  All the grandstanding to the judges.  All the painful  harmonizing.  All the crying.  All the manufactured drama.  All the crying. 

 

We start the show with Jory and five other girls that I barely remember.  But it doesn’t matter because they’re ALL going home.  Don’t they do this every year?  Drop the entire first group for DRAMA.  Well, there was crying.

 

In group 2 we get Perla the Shakira-be and Rachel the tone-deaf Army Reservist.  Perla talks about having the “It” factor, and if “It” factor is giant boobs, then yes, she has "It."  Since Perla brings drama if she wins, and Rachel brings pathos if she loses, these story lines play out as you’d expect.  For an added bonus Perla cries, even though she advances.

 

In group 3 we get Baylie Underwood, from Krum, Texas.  She’s disgustingly talented and blonde, so she advances. 

In group 4 we have Ashlyn Porn Faces Girl, Rocky working out girl.  And Sarah, who had the tearful phone conversation with her dad interrupted when her dad asked, “Who is this?”  They all go home.  Because they all suck and shouldn’t have made it this far in the first place.

Nicole Turner and her mom with the pimp cane pull a Brittenum Twin grand-standing moment by arguing with Simon that the song choice should be blamed, not Nicole's singing.  I agree with Simon’s sentiment when he repeated, “Go home.  Go home!” 

Now the guys go.  

Amongst the guys advancing are Brian Aiken, Matt Zit Boy, Beat Box Blake, Sundance Head, Creepy Howie Mandel and Fidel Castro.

Now we’re treated to the “drama” of group singing.  

One group has Simon’s golden girl Baylie Underwood get ruined by the Paris and Nicole girls from New Jersey.  Paris from Jersey bitchily declares “God likes good people” after Baylie is sent home.  Hello, stupid, you’re still on TV.  And America gets to vote. 

Perla the slut goes home.  I’m glad we wasted so much time with her, even though she’s a non-singer, and her booting was inevitable. 

Gina the rough girl from New York in a moment of stupidity declares: “I don’t care about anybody but myself…” Conveniently forgetting about the millions of girls at home that hate her now.  Way to end your AI hopes early Gina. 

Beat Box Blake and Chris Jack Osborne-Xtina advance. 

Now we play the stupid AI “This Room is going home” game.  In the first “Yes” room Chris Jack Osborne and a random blonde I’ll call Boob Girl celebrate.

Also notable, Sundance Head and Sanjaya, Simon’s Indian love slave advance. 

Ugh, what a lame episode.  Either show us some of the group singing, or just tell us who the finalists are.  This back-stage stuff is brutal. 

One more episode of lameness as tonight we get the stupid AI Interrogation where the contestants sit in a chair in a giant room, get grilled by the judges and then have to take the elevator ride of shame.  Of course this is the episode that Taylor actually won American Idol, when he strutted out of the room honking on bobo.

 

--Chan

 

It’s time for Hollywood week, the real test of who will receive VFTW love. We heard everyone sing one song so far, will they crack under pressure? We sure hope so! Tonight Sundance and so many others sucked a whole new world of ass, leading me to think that the top 24 is going to be a glorious disaster of epic proportions.

 

We start off with 172 people – 148 lucky enough to put this nightmare away as of now – and 24 unlucky enough to have to sing in the coming weeks. In an effort to stir up drama, the first group of girls to sing (including megapimped Canadian Jory Steinberg) is cut within the first 5 minutes. They all sang well, yet were cut anway. This shows what a joke this show is. I will save this episode and rewatch those 6 singers after the top 24 episodes, and I can guarantee all of them will have sung better than half of the top 24. So Jory, Geri Guyer, Kelly Caruso, Lisa Morrison, Christen Itam, and Jeromishia Lemar, seriously… help us vote for the worst. You know the show deserves it.

 

Proving my theory right, Perla Meneses of litte talent but big accent, walks into the LA airport already smiling for cameras. One woman rolls her eyes and a man asks who she is. Perla thinks she’s Brenna Gethers, but no one comes close to the amazing Brenna. She’ll have to do as a second rate knock off for now though, and I'll add her to the VFTW payroll. Perla gets up on stage to sing Hips Don’t Lie, because apparently she hasn’t learned a new song since her audition. She’s pretty bad and she makes VFTW proud. Then Rachel Jenkins, army girl, sings Un-Break My Heart much better, but not really with any pizzazz. Perla moves on and Rachel is cut. Will there be crying? Yes, from both girls. Rachel cries because she wanted to make it far for VFTW. Perla cries because the judges said she’s an example of personality over talent. Honey, what they were trying to say is that you’re a prime VFTW pick. Don’ worry, they won’t let you get anywhere near the voting rounds.

 

Baylie Brown gets up to sing next. She’s the girl that Simon called “commercial with a capital C” when he was horny with a capital H for jailbait with a capital J. She, like Perla, sings the same song from her audition, some boring country song. She makes it through to Simon’s next dressing room break, but many other VFTW hopefuls aren’t as lucky. Ashlyn Carr, girl of a thousand scary faces, Porcelana Patio, the tough Bronx chick, and Sarah Burgess, the dumb girl who snuck out to audition without her parents’ permission, are all cut. Sarah says she won because she made her parents proud. No, she won because she doesn’t have to sit through another whiskey inspired Paula rant tomorrow.

 

Nicole Turner is the last contestant of the day. She’s at the auditions with her mother and aunt, and despite being 27, lets them bully her into singing a song she didn’t want to sing. Of course, this leads to her dismissal, and her mom decides to get on stage and tell the judges that her daughter should have another shot to suck again. Nicole and her mother’s rationale is that Nicole would perform better if she was really “feeling” the song. Simon says no. Paula hurls a bottle of Jack Daniels at him. Randy says, “Dawg” and then blinks. Nicole doesn’t get another shot; she's one of the 56 females sent home.

 

Now it’s the guys’ turn to suck. Sundance Head, the big guy who can’t seem to find shirts that fit him because he wants to show off half of his hairy chest for some reason, is happy that there are less guys. Brian Miller is on an emotional rollercoaster because he was cut last year after sucking. Expect him to be cut again this year after sucking. He sings Change is Gonna Come again, because like Perla and Baylie, he has no musical taste and just copies one song from someone else and can’t come up with anything on his own.

 

Jarrod Fowler dedicates his song to the navy. Unfortunately, he does not sing In The Navy, he instead sings You Raise Me Up. Then zit boy (sans zit) Matt Sato complains about how his parents don’t support him… again. This kid sells out his family more than Kellie Pickler. I hope they disown him after this. He cries about how his mom doesn’t hug him, but that she did when he made it to Hollywood. He also says that if he makes the top 24, he gets a big old ice cream sundae; if he makes top 12, his parents will let him sleep inside instead of under a tree in a cage in the front yard; and if he wins American Idol, his parents will sign the emancipation papers!  Luckily for him, he makes it through to another round, but Jarrod is cut. Matt calls his mom again and she says she loves him. He then cries more and says that “she never says she loves me either!” This kid is making this crap up, Child Services is currently rolling their eyes.

 

We’re down to 92 unfortunate souls, and the fun is about to begin. That’s right… it’s time for groups. Who doesn’t do groups? Whose spirit will be ba-roh-ken? Well we know Matt Sato isn’t going to do well, no one wants zitty in their group. Soon we’re treated to Brokeback cowboy Matt Buckstein and quitter Nick Pedro trying to harmonize. Nick does an absolutely awful job and then flashes a VFTW signal for us to vote for him. Chris Sligh, Blake Lewis, and Rudy Cardenas can’t dance either. It’s going to be a long night.

 

The worst group of all appears to be Baylie Brown and the two OMG BFF’s: Amanda Collucio and Antonella Barba. Amanda and Antonella fight over what song to choose and Baylie makes a motion where she shoots herself with a fake gun. The group can’t harmonize and only Antonella can remember the lyrics. Soon, Amanda wanders off to flirt with boys and put on OMG the CUTEST shade of COVERGIRL LIPSTICK!!! This is going to be deliciously awful.

 

Gina Glocksen, Marisa Rhodes, Jessica Gordon, and Perla Meneses hate their group too. Mostly because Perla revealed to them that she’s a VFTW plant. The girls get angry and Perla laughs to herself in the corner, “I’ma blaze dis group, bitches.” I gave Perla an extra $100 for the effort. Perla argues a lot with Gina and Jessica and says, “What’s a ballsy” a few times. I then slipped her a $50.

 

The next day, Simon tells the groups not to forget the words to the same damn songs they sing every year. Of course, Jose Laguna then forgets the words and goes home. Matt Sato sings incredibly off key and forgets the words, eliminating himself. This time, when he calls mommy dearest, she sounds pissed. Back to the cage for you, Matty.

 

Soon Perla’s group is up, and they all want Perla to suck so they’ll move on easier. Indeed Perla does suck and forgets the words, a little too early, and she’s cut. Damn you, Perla. I was paying you to get into the top 24. Oh well, she’s fine with it because she made some extra cash from the VFTW fund. Next year, Perla. Next year.

 

In a strange combination, Rudy Cardenas, Chris Sligh, Blake Lewis, and the very attractive gay British guy Tom Lowe all sing How Deep is Your Love. Soon, Blake is beat boxing while the other guys sing. If Blake continues to beat box in every single song, I foresee a long and great VFTW future for him. Beat boxing during Beatles week? Sacrilegious and just what we need! Beat boxing during disco week? Terrible, uncalled for, and perfect! Keep it up, dude.

 

Sundance Head’s group is up next. He sings with Robyn Troup, the girl who just won the Justin Timberlake Grammy thing, and L’Paige Bedford, a girl with a strange name. L’Paige forgets her words, probably because she’s thinking about how dumb her first name sounds. Robyn sings fine. And then Sundance surprises us all by sucking hardcore. This is like Kellie Pickler in Hollywood all over again. Who knew Sundance would be a potential VFTW pick? It’s so painful. I have never heard singing this awful in the Hollywood rounds. Surely, they will cut him, right? Nope. The two girls are cut and Sundance moves on to keep sucking it up. At home, Robyn watches this episode and breathes a sigh of relief that she got out while she could and is actually signed to a legitimate record label instead of the sucky one the winners would be signed to. Nice call, Robyn.

 

Now, the train wrecks of the evening, Baylie and the BFF’s, sing. Baylie immediately forgets her words, as does Amanda. To keep potential drama for later so they can separate the BFF’s in the room round, they cut only Baylie. The BFF’s tell her it’s ok, but Baylie is pissed and says, “No, it’s not. Seriously.” She then whines about how she worked harder than both of the other girls. Amanda then makes a total ass of herself many times in under a minute by

1) pointing to the sky and exclaiming, “God likes good people” while referring to herself

2) telling everyone that she isn’t flirting with boys, when she just did the night before

3) saying she can have as many boys as she wants back home

Maybe I should get Amanda on the VFTW payroll, stat. She’s got more bravado than Scott Savol. Preach it, my delusional sister! All of this overshadows Jesus Bin Castro being cut. Ah well.

 

Finally, the judges divide the contestants into 3 rooms to cut them down to the final 40. Room one makes it. Room two makes it. Room three looks pissed as hell. Brian Miller was in room three and he cries, as predicted. Told you, Brian. Sanjaya Malakar cries because his sister is cut. Antonella doesn’t seem to care that much that Amanda is cut. And one girl cries us out with, “God, why did I even come here?” Listen, VFTW warned you. Now you’re famous for crying on TV. Congratulations… not.

 

Tomorrow is the stupid waste of time chair episode. Why bother, we already know the top 24. Oh well, I guess I’ll watch to see people cry. I think I’ll create some kind of drinking game, it’s the only way to get through it. So tomorrow, as you watch the chair episode:

-Take one drink if Simon insults someone but then lets them into the top 24 anyway.

-Take one drink when someone cries that they “worked so hard.”

-Take one drink when Paula takes one drink.

-Take one drink when a contestant is shown that we haven’t seen even once, although we’ve had to sit through 4 damn weeks of auditions, and STILL we haven’t seen a majority of the top 40.

-Screw it. Not even alcohol makes this show tolerable. Bring on the voting!

Why? Why more? Why did we have to sit through these awful auditions for another episode? I’d rather we just jumped to Hollywood where everyone curses each other out and acts like idiots. That’s the good stuff. Or the voting where we VFTW and piss people off. Auditions suck and I am so happy they’re over. Unfortunately, I still have to write a recap for the “Best of the Rest” episode. Thus, expect it to be the opposite of American Idol: short, sweet, actually funny, accurate, and it might teach you something.

 

American Idol’s lesson number one tonight is to have “the look”. One can only assume this means you have to dress like a cheap whore to win Simon’s approval. Christa Fazzino doesn’t have it because she wears weird clothes and she’s proud of it. Tami Gosnell doesn’t have it either, because she looks like a dude and sings Whipping Post with a really talented throwback sort of voice. Christa is obviously cut and Tami obviously makes it through. So neither had the look, yet one made it and one didn’t.

 

Dave’s lesson number one: American Idol contradicts itself and lies all the time. Don’t listen to a word it says and do the exact opposite. You will see the wisdom of this.

 

Idol’s lesson number two is to get inspiration from a famous singer. Of course, most people who came in this season trying to be “the next (insert name here)” were turned away. Paul Kim does not want to be the next William Hung, because he says Asians aren’t given their fair shot in the music industry because they have bad role models. Hey, I remember Jasmine Trias and Jose “Sway” Penala sucking it up on the Idol stage… I guess he’s right. Paul sings in some demented voice with odd grunts; he sounds like he's exhaling cigarette smoke when he sings. It's creepy and weird. It’s pretty awful, but the judges let the poolboy through anyway.

 

Jack Odanovich then gets inspiration from Bo Bice to sing the acapella song from season four, but he stinks at it. So Paul didn’t have inspiration from an Idol singer, he actually didn’t like him, and he made it through. And Jack had inspiration, yet didn’t make it through. Another contradiction.

 

Lesson number three is to never give up. That sure worked for the people who begged and pleaded for gold tickets, right? The only person who got a gold ticket after a no was Ashlyn Carr, the weird face girl from San Antonio, and she gave up and left before she was brought back. Again, this lesson is wrong. Giving up gets you a golden ticket.

 

Gina Glocksen comes back to suck hardcore for the judges. After proclaiming she was a rocker last year, she sang a song from obscure heavy metal artist Celine Dion, and made it to Hollywood. Soon, she was cut for sucking, but she came back anyway to try out again this year. Where’s “quit while you’re ahead”, that’s a valuable lesson too. Gina sings some Black Velvet poorly and inspires VFTW to love her. She also has a hopeless crush on Simon Cowell that she really needs to let go of. She’s going to Hollywood again, only to find out she’s not going to win this year, but instead become a very likely VFTW pick. See what never giving up gets you?

 

Edward Sanchez also never gave up, so he taught himself to dance from Paula Abdul videos. He sings a song that goes something like this:

 

I had a girl, Paula was her name.

Since she started using, she’s never been the same.

Cause she loves her pills, Paula, how high can she be?

Oh Paula, Oh Paula, Oh Paula, Oh Paula

 

Edward doesn’t make it to Hollywood, but he’s ok because he was kissed by Paula. Then she blows him another kiss. He must be her supplier. Or he must have whispered sweet vodka in her ear when they hugged, powerful enough that she could smell it and relate. Either way, he gives up and goes home.

 

Lesson number four from the worst show on television: Never audition in groups. We are then treated to a group who auditions, letting 2 of them through to Hollywood. So, they shouldn’t have auditioned in groups because… why? They made it. The group consists of rollerskanks Heather Rennie, Ashley Cleland, and Ebony Jointer. Heather goes first and isn’t that great. It's a no. Ashley goes second (she told us beforehand that she should try out for Idol because “I’m American”. Brilliant.) and makes it after telling Paula she’s an old hag. And Ebony goes last and makes it through when Simon says she’s way better than the others. What he means is that she’s the only one to blow him last night in his hotel room, so she’s an automatic yes. Simon also has a thing for anorexic, curly-haired chicks.

 

Terri Seymour, his submissive current girlfriend:

 

Leona Lewis, the cheap ho he pimped all season on The X-Factor, a boring British rip off of American Idol (which is a boring rip off of England's Pop Idol):

Ebony Jointer:

Eat a cheeseburger, ladies.

 

Lesson number 5 is to shake your moneymaker. We’re then treated to brokenote cowboy Matthew Buckstein from last year saying he doesn’t dance… and he makes it. Then Alexander Nazario walks in (I thought he was a woman) and pulls out some Abdul style dance moves before shrieking Making Love Out of Nothing At All. He doesn’t have “enough monies” for a singing coach, but he does have one distinction from this episode: HE WENT OUT THE WRONG DOOR. Boo-ya.

 

So, the dancer didn’t make it, and the non-dancer did. The lessons are 5 for 5 in being completely wrong. Shall we try for 6?

 

Lesson 6 is Clarity. That’s it. There’s no lesson there. This show blows. Lakisha Jones, this year’s token annoying, fat, and screechy diva, walks in and belts out some Aretha. The judges love it. I’m already bored as she brings absolutely nothing new to the lackluster alumni association of Mandisa, Boomie, Kim Locke, etc. Look for her to go far and then be mysteriously voted out when people tire of her screaming.

 

Who knows if that lesson was correct or not? They weren’t even clear on what they were trying to get across. Oh wait… I guess that means they didn’t practice clarity. 6 for 6, these lessons were inaccurate and pointless, as was this terrible filler of an episode.

 

A promise of a new day is shown though, as Hollywood looks as dramatic as ever, and we’re this much closer to voting. We even get to submit our own songs for the winner to sing. Look for many VFTW submissions for that one, including some of my own that I’ll post here.

 

Next week a girl cries, “God, why did I even come here?” in Hollywood. Good question. Probably because you’re naïve and think you’ve entered a talent competition. Silly girl. Now go home and cry some more so we can get to the voting. Until next time, remember, everything Idol says is wrong.

American Idol wraps up the Official Bad Singing portion of their show with this silly afterthought of a time-waster episode.  Of course, everyone here at VFTW knows that the Bad Singing on AI never ends.

 

Before we get down to business I just have one question.  What does “Yes, 1000 per cent!” mean?  This has become the new “pitchy” for judge comments.  Since a yes vote is a yes vote, who gives a rip if Simon says it’s 100%, 1000% or 1.5%.  It’s stupid and 1000% yes is mathematically redundant.  Please stop.

 

Quick run-through of the moments of absurdity:

1. Krista - she wears a stupid outfit and does some bad singing.  It’s three ‘no’s’ until Krista starts crying and begging so Paula switches her vote to ‘yes.”  See the “judges votes are final.”
2. Tami “Bo Bice” – Tami is a beastly pedi-cab driver who declares she can drive Randy and Simon and Paula up a hill on her bicycle.  Not so fast Bo, it looks like Randy has been cheating on his Jenny Craig diet.  Simon says Tami really stood out... by singing a song Bo Bice brought back to people’s attention just last year.  Tami has an ugly lip ring, which probably is the genesis of my hatred for her.
3. Paul the Pool Boy – Paul, an Asian guy, who is forced to draw a comparison between himself and William Hung, because AI thinks William Hung is ALL ASIANS.  Paul seems cocky and full of himself, until he reveals that he’s a Pool Boy.  So I immediately embrace him because I’m a Pool Boy sympathizer.  Paul sings some boy band song and isn’t terrible, but his vocals are breathy and affected.  Thankfully he’s going to Hollywood, where he’ll drop off the face of the planet because no Asian will ever make it bigger than William Hung on this show.
4. Gina – a mannish-looking girl who says she failed on Idol several times already, but she makes a go of it again.  Gina has VFTW possibilities as she can’t sing, wears a bee t-shirt, and does the poopy dance as she sings.  The judges pity her and send her to Hollywood where she will drop off the face of the planet because no lesbian will ever make it bigger than Clay Aiken on this show.
5. The Roller Girls – three girls who give free advertising to some stupid 1950’s retro roller derby restaurant.  Roller Girl 1 declares that she tried out for American Idol because: “Why not?  I’m American.”  Uh, two strong arguments there, Roller Girl.  Roller Girl 2 wears so much make-up that Scary Paula is forced to warn her about the dangers of wearing too much make-up.  Whoo, that’s a lot of make-up.  And Roller girl 3 is the best as she’s hot and can sing.  She’s a ringer, I tell you.  And she won’t make it past Hollywood because beautiful, talented people NEVER make it to the finals.
6. Wes the Magnificent -  A bald guy in a gold satin shirt, who gets far too much screen time for how boring and forgettable he really is.  However, it does solve the question of where the name “Wes” comes from.  Apparently it’s a nick-name for William which doesn’t need any more nick-names as it spawned Will, Willy, Bill, Billy and Will.I.Am. 

 

We also get a cameo from Wrong Door, which made my night.

And that wraps up Bad Singing month.  Next week is the terrible Hollywood Week, which always gets the lowest ratings on Idol, so they truncated it to two episodes.  So we’ll take the 172 finalists (out of a hundred thousand?!?  What a horrible success rate.)  And then we’ll whittle that down to 12 of the MOST TALENTED SINGERS IN AMERICA!!!  Because this is a singing competition, not a freak show after all.  Right?  Right?

 

And speaking about my movie…  Hardcore Hunting: Extreme is currently playing for free on Youtube.com, for the low, low price of FREE.  So check it out.

 

Chan   

Howdy Boys and Girls.

So it took until the last week of bad singing for me to figure out a fool-proof system to blog this stuff.  Since I was too busy working on my short film I missed the actual AI show and had to blast through it on TiVO this morning in about 10 minutes.  And guess what,  the show is BETTER in 10 minutes! 

 

The best bit of comedy I read this week was that Randy is hard at work on his SOLO ALBUM!   Oh yeah, Mr. Pitchy is recording an album of his own.  I can only hope he sings on it, because I’m already sharpening my knives to carve him a new one.  Or maybe he calls in his “friends” Michael Bolton, Celine Deion and Clay Aiken to make guest appearances. 

 

Here’s my observations in my 10 minutes of AI watching:

 

1)    Billy Idol guy -  Scary bearded guy in camouflage pants who shouts Billy Idol.  He’s psycho and does the song as good as Billy Idol, but sadly doesn’t move on.

2)    Tan Girl – 16 year old blonde girl with a sweet voice.  Simon calls her “boring” but she deserves a “second chance.”  So she moves on.  Except that she can sing better than half the finalists last year, so she doesn’t need a “second chance” and she can probably win the show this year.  But yeah, she needs a “second chance.”

3)    Bailey the Fashionista Pickler- Farm girl who thinks she belongs in the city.  Pickler Dad says it’s hard to work the fields in high heels.  Good line, Pickler Dad.  If it was true.  Bailey sings a country song really, really well.  So I’m calling Bailey a ringer, and if she spent 10 minutes on a farm I’m a cowboy.

4)     Bruce Banner and the Incredible Hulk – A couple of fun-lovin’ cousins who live together.  Hulk sings like the Hulk but in the second funniest moment of the show he warns the Judges before he “shouts threats” at them, to protect his street cred.  Bruce is visibly shaken, but he sings with a strong Motown voice.  I pick Bruce to be this year’s Anwar – the guy who is a great singer, but the judges lose interest in him halfway through the finals so the fans forget to vote for him even though he’s one of the best singers on the show.

5)    Sandie Finger in Her Ear – Sandie puts another nail in the coffin of the reputation of Singing Teachers throughout America as she mumbles through a flat, toneless rendition of an unrecognizable song.  Simon makes her cry.  My only question is, does she teach her students to sing with their finger in their ears? 

6)    Ashlyn – who sings prettily but makes horrible Porno Faces that distract from her singing.  Remember when I called Ryan’s “The Judges decisions are final” line the biggest BS moment of the show?  That’s because of tonight.  After the judges send Ashlyn home, they “realize” that maybe she’s talented after all and they bring her back to re-audition.  This time Ashlyn is terrible and flat, but the judges let her through because we need more Porno Faces in the finals.

7)    Jimmy Studdard – A svelte Ruben clone who sings pretty but he ain’t Ruben.  So of course the judges love him.

 

And then, the greatest moment of this season so far:

8)    Wrong Door Montage – We see a series of people trying to go through the Evil Wrong Door.  Paula, whose medication must’ve started to wear off obserbed: “This will be the theme of the entire season.”  No, really.  What an astute observation Paula, just a mere month after everyone else figured it out she’s finally catching on.

 

And that’s that.  So from now on I watch the entire bad singing shows in 10 minutes.

And speaking of my Movie…

I have completed my first comedic short film “Hardcore Hunting: Extreme.”  I invite you to check it out for 4 minutes of comedic gold.

 

Either go to Youtube and search for “Hardcore Hunting” or go to my brother’s site –

kirinkapin.com.

 

Just one more week of suffering before we finally get to the Finals.  Finally.

 

Chan