Grading The Idols’ Albums - Elliot Yamin

Howdy Class,
Welcome back to our Thursday article that I like to call “Testing My Pain Threshold.” Today we go strolling into the woods with everybody’s favorite Hobbit, Elliott Yamin and his eponymous debut album. Elliott came in third place last year and has a large fan base who enjoy his jazz-inflected vocal stylings. I am not a fan, but I will try not to hold that against him (and trust me, there are greater crimes on this album than not being liked by Chan).

We’re trying a new experiment this week. Because it’s not enough to punish myself, my brother and my best friend listening to these albums I decided to rope in a couple more friends and my mom so that I could fully unleash the Wrath of AI Mediocrity upon them.

So along with Dean Kyle, Freech and myself I’ve brought along Ray-Ray and Queen Sheniqua Shabazz... and yes those were the monikers they chose for themselves. And my Mom.

Some people ask me: “Professor Chan, how can you stand listening to all those horrible albums?” I have two answers. First, I’m a tough guy, I dine on pain and breakfast on suffering. And second, booze helps.
------------
Album: Elliott|Yamin
Genre: R&Boring.
Best Song: “Moving On” or the Leon Russell cover, “A Song For You” as sung by Donny Hathaway.
First Person or Entity thanked in the liner notes: “Family: God”. Then his Ma and Pa.
Cover: Sensitive Elliott staring deeply into your soul. Elliott’s new look harkens back to grizzly late-70’s Bruce Springsteen. Back cover is a nearly identical photo.
Inside Photos: Elliott leaning against a window, Elliott peering squinty-eyed deep into your soul, laying in a field. Jovial Elliott in a doorway, Back-lit Elliott in a field at sunset wearing a “Born In The USA”-Springsteen model ball-cap, and finally Elliott in Hobbit Hat skipping through the woods.

Kyle: Why is he in the woods?
Professor Chan: I told you, he’s a Hobbit. He wanted to conjure images of happy Hobbits strolling through the glen. It’s a shout-out to his rabid fans.
Freech: Does he have fans?
Professor Chan: He sold about 140,000 of these albums.
Kyle: I find that hard to believe.
Professor Chan: Why? (pause) I bought one.
-----------
NOTE: I’ve discovered that adoring fans have uploaded all of the Idol songs to youtube. So you can hear the whole song by doing a search for Elliott and the song title. So why don’t you boot up your lap-tops so you can come along on this magical, mystery tour through Hobbiton with us?

-------------
1) “Moving On”
Samply Lyrics: “I get so excited every time I hear your name (your name) and you don't reciprocate and it's a damn shame. Ooh”

PROFESSOR CHAN: Hey a four syllable word, and a mild swear. We’re off to a good start. This kind of sounds like Gnarls Barkley’s “Crazy”, and I like it.
FREECH: Yeah but what’s with the generic song titles?
Kyle: After 32 seconds he kicks Taylor’s ass in the soul department. It’s almost pleasant.
PROFESSOR CHAN: I like his little Elliott lisp. So cute.
Queen Sheniqua: It’s got a Stevie Wonder/Jamiraquai feel.
PROFESSOR CHAN: Whoa, he just told the girl if she waits too long her best friend will be knocking on Elliott’s door. Nasty.
Kyle: It’s like Elliott is saying: “I own you Taylor, I’ll outsing you any day. You’re singing about traveling and imaginary relationships, well this is Elliott and if a chick don’t want me, it’s her loss.”
PROFESSOR CHAN: ‘Cause he’s tapping her best friend. Oww!
Kyle: Elliott is harboring third place anger.
FREECH: I don’t like it as much as you guys.
-----------
2) “Wait For You”
Sample Lyrics: “Why did you have to go? You could have let me know
So now I'm all alone.”

PROFESSOR CHAN: Okay, here comes the crap. This one is a bit of a come down from the hot #1 track.
Kyle: Yeah, I was a little worried that we’d actually like the album. This is more of what I expected. It’s kind of boring and cliche’d.
Ray-Ray: It sounds like R. Kelly’s “In The Closet.” All 29 hours of it.
Queen Sheniqua:Yeah, he’s trying an Usher/Jodeci vibe here. But it’s not working.
Ray-Ray: Because he had to be Michael Bolton, too.
FREECH: (sarcastic) Ooh, unpredictable rhythms. Dun-dun-chh.
PROFESSOR CHAN: Wait a second. In the first song he was talking about moving on, but now he’s saying he’ll wait for her? What the hell?
Kyle: Elliott is more whiny and schizophrenic than McPhee on her album. Wait for her or keep moving on, which is it Elliott?
Ray-Ray: It’s okay if he wanted to have both songs on the album, but why did they put them back to back?.
Queen Sheniqua: And tracks 1 and 2.
FREECH: It’s weird that the verses have a strong rhythm but then the chorus kicks in and you can’t dance to it.
Kyle: I’d put this song on to knock boots with my girl, but then I’d keep seeing Elliott’s beast-face in my mind.
FREECH: That’s gross, man.
-----------
3) “Find A Way”
Sample Lyrics: “The rain is falling from the sky, It's getting harder to stay dry, They say that pride goes before a fall, Heaven help us all, If love don't find a way.”

PROFESSOR CHAN: Elliott is exploring his social consciousness roots here. It’s like a Stevie Wonder, social protest song.
Kyle: But with a 1983 Krush Groove synth beat.
FREECH: “If living is the price of being free”? He’s trying too hard too be poetic now. And he says “Rain is falling from the sky, it’s getting harder to stay dry.” Of course rain is falling from the sky, where else does rain come from?
Mom: He rhymed ‘sky’ and ‘dry’, he’s a poet.
Kyle: Hey, he’s skatting.
Mom: (sarcastic) He’s so versatile.
PROFESSOR CHAN: Way to join the party, mom.
Kyle: I’m trying to focus on the social commentary but I keep having visions of that Skatman song. That would be awesome if Skatman came out of retirement to have a Skat-off with Elliott.
PROFESSOR CHAN: Then Elliott could do a beat box breadown versus Blake Lewis.
Kyle: And then he would rock harder than Daughtry. Elliott is letting loose his third place anger. He feels inadequate and he’s taking it out on his other Idol contestants. It would be great if he called out all the American Idols.
Ray-Ray: Hey this song is a shout out to his mom. Oy vey I bet she’s proud.
PROFESSOR CHAN: Here’s a shout out to my mom. Hi, mom.
Mom: Hi.
-----------
4) “One Word”
Sample Lyrics: “One word, Is all I need to say exactly how I feel
One word, A single word that's from the heart and keeps it real.”

FREECH: One word? How about tuneless.
Queen Sheniqua: Redundant?
Ray-Ray: Trite?
PROFESSOR CHAN: Crappy.
Kyle: Neutered.
FREECH: Next.
-----------
5) “You Are The One”
Sample Lyrics: “You're the star who lights up my sky
You're the one who made me see, That you don't need wings to fly
Your love has set me free.”

Mom: He likes the word ‘one.’
Queen Sheniqua: Ugh, pseudo Lionel Richie. Is there anything worse?
Kyle: Yeah, this is hackneyed crap.
PROFESSOR CHAN: It took five songwriters to come up with something this generic.
FREECH: “Your love set me free”, yeah, that’s not a cliche.
Ray-Ray: Nobody’s ever rhymed ‘hole’ and ‘soul’ before.
Mom: Or ‘sky’ and ‘fly.’
PROFESSOR CHAN: It’s sad because Elliott had input in all these songs. This is an “Independent Label” release. He has a writing credit on most of the tracks. It’s like Elliott went out of his way to choose these awful lyrics and boring songs.
Kyle: Yeah, he CHOSE to sing this hackneyed crap. I used to like him four songs ago, but now I hate his guts.
Mom: (sarcastic) He’s no Josh Groban.
PROFESSOR CHAN: Ooh, burn! Good one, Mom.
-----------
6) “I’m The Man”
Sample Lyrics: “I'm the man who holds my ground, I'm the man who sticks around, I'm the man to hold you tight, Cause I'm the man in love.”

Kyle: He’s the man? I beg to differ.
Ray-Ray: It’s already not manly.
PROFESSOR CHAN: I’m the man who holds you tight? What the hell? I want the Elliott that was banging his girl’s best friend. Who is this stranger?
Ray-Ray: It sounds as natural as a 30 year-old having a bar mitzvah.
PROFESSOR CHAN: He’s a nice Jewish boy, taking his girlfriend to the prom. He’s the man you want to bring home to momma. This is another song for his mom.
FREECH: That makes one person that likes this song.
Kyle: His mom is proud in that “My son made me a lumpy clay ashtray in art class and I don’t even smoke” way.
-----------
7) “Train Wreck”
Sample Lyrics: “I gotta be honest with you baby, I knew it right from the start, Without knowing the cost to my soul
I paid for it with my heart.”

PROFESSOR CHAN: What a waste of horns. Being a sax player myself I have to say that’s criminal. The horns are an afterthought.
Ray-Ray: And there’s a completely out of place guitar lick.
Kyle: He’s taking it to a whole new emotional place. He’s really opening up on this one.
PROFESSOR CHAN: Elliott has a little Bee Gees action going there. But not enough to make it interesting.
Ray-Ray: This whole song is a train wreck.
FREECH: And there’s nothing about trains, either. It’s just another Idol trademark song about a fictional relationship.
Ray-Ray: There’s three different styles at war here, R &B, blues and pop. And they collide in a train wreck.
Queen Sheniqua: That was barely 3 minutes.
Ray-Ray: At least it was short.
--------
8) “Free”
Sample Lyrics: “Tell me what you're hiding from, Everybody's on the run, Movin' so fast got to slow it down and breathe, Hold fast to your dreams, And don't be afraid to fly
Alone in the sky.”

PROFESSOR CHAN: What is he talking about?
Queen Sheniqua: He’s imitating Seal.
Mom: He rhymed ‘sky’ with ‘fly’ again.
FREECH: Wait, rewind. I want to hear something.
PROFESSOR CHAN: First rule of Grading the Idols, no rewind. The albums are long enough as it is.
FREECH: “Hold fast to your dreams.” Ahh (pumps fist mockingly) Oh yeah.
Ray-Ray: Now he’s in George Michael-land.
Kyle: What, you mean in a public bathroom?
-----------
9) “Alright”
Sample Lyrics: “ok. If you want something new maybe I got what you need, And if you just want to groove you can come get next to me, Well baby I'm tried and true what you get is what you see, We can do what you want to do cause I got no place to be.”

Queen Sheniqua: Yay, he borrowed a Jay-Z hook. He’s doing his Timberlake thing. It’s got that Timberland flava. I can see the video in my mind. It’s got those booty shaking girls with vaseline on their legs to make them shiny.
Ray-Ray: And all the girls are wearing Daisy Duke’s
Kyle: And Elliott is wearing glitter.
FREECH: This sounds like end of the album filler to me.
Mom: I’m sick of the fake hand claps. They’re really annoying.
PROFESSOR CHAN: I’m not a fan of AI glory notes, or Elliott’s syncopated jazz vocalese, but he needs to do something. Anything to break up the monotony of this album. It’s one long snore.
Ray-Ray: Hey, he thanks the Jewish Journal. Nice one, Yamin. Keeping it real.
------------
10) “Take My Breath Away”
Sample Lyrics: “Girl I've been waiting for you all my life
I see my soul when I look in your eyes, You've taken me completely by surprise”

FREECH: (sarcastic) Oh man, good midi strings, dude.
Queen Sheniqua: This sounds like early 80’s R&B. This whole album was entirely written by other people.
PROFESSOR CHAN: Whoa, this album takes a left turn into Pussyville. Population Taylor and Daughtry.
FREECH: It’s not even the song you think it is. It’s a different wussy “Take My Breath Away.” At least if he did a fruity cover of the Top Gun theme it would’ve been funny.
Kyle: I think I’ll add this to my list of “Songs I listen to when I’m constipated.”
------------
11) “A Song For You”
Sample Lyrics: “I’ve been so many places in my life and time
I’ve sung a lot of songs, and I made some bad rhymes
I‘ve acted out my life on stages, with ten thousand people watching, But were alone now, and I’m singing this song to you.”

PROFESSOR CHAN: Is the album over yet?
FREECH: No, one more.
PROFESSOR CHAN: Oh, right. You know an Idol album isn’t over until the sucky piano ballad. Mom: This is by Leon Russell. I like this one.
PROFESSOR CHAN: I think Elliott sang it on Idol.
Mom: Finally a good song.
PROFESSOR CHAN: But not the way Elliott sings it, though.
Ray-Ray: It’s not bad. But he’s a tiny white boy trying to sing like a large black woman.
Queen Sheniqua: I can see him doing that Whitney Houston hand shaking up and down while he’s singing.
FREECH: They could’ve hired a real grooving session musician. Instead they banged out a crappy piano ballad.
Ray-Ray: I think if they got a better piano player it would blow Elliott off the stage.
Queen Sheniqua: Ooh, right there, the high note. That’s when he got up on his tippy-toes to sing it.
FREECH: There you go. It’s good that the album didn’t last very long. It was innocuous and mostly painless. It’s another typical album from an American Idol.
Queen Sheniqua: Has anyone of note ever come from American Idol?
Kyle: William Hung.
-----------
FINAL THOUGHTS:
PROFESSOR CHAN: So there you have it. Another experiment in AI created pain... and we survived it. Any final thoughts?
Ray-Ray: About what I expected.
Queen Sheniqua: Unoriginal and dull.
Kyle: I need another beer.
PROFESSOR CHAN: It had the one good song. That’s one more than all the other Idol albums combined.
-----------

PROFESSOR CHAN: Well I hoped you enjoyed our sick, sadistic game. Join us next week when we listen to Bo Bice while waiting for Bucky’s new album to arrive in the mail.
----------
For Questions, Comments, Fan Mail: vftwchan@gmail.com

Professor Chan For Questions, Comments, Fan Mail --