Brought to you by Paula’s Boobs.

Howdy Class,

Just another week on Idol. Bad singing, inane Randy criticisms, Paula’s bosoms are squirting out of her shiny top. And the Idols sing songs that make me sick.

I’m debating whether I should review Idol Gives Back tomorrow. On one hand it will suck really bad, which will give me plenty of comic ammunition, but on the other hand it will suck really bad... for 3 hours. So I’m on the fence. I’ll probably watch it with heavy fast-forwarding. Really heavy. And booze. Lots of booze.
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Michaell Johns
Song: “Dream On” by Aerosmith

Notes: Michael does a credible, album-worthy cover for exactly half of the 90 second song. He builds to the dramatic part where the back-up choir and the 27 piece orchestra kick in. You know, Michael's usual shouting part on the chorus, but then in a desperate attempt at VFTW consideration he goes into a supersonic shrieking fit. Holy crap that was terrible. Then at the end he does his over-dramatic falling down from exhaustion after the sheer awesomeness of his performance. It really took everything out of him, what a guy.

GRADE: D -- The first half was typical AI Trademarked mediocrity but the second half was VFTW gold. Paula even jokes how only her dogs could hear Michael’s painful wailing.
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Syesha Mercado
Song: “I Believe” as sung by Fantasia

Notes: Syesha is sporting a sparkly fro with a part down the middle like Marge’s sisters from the Simpsons. I think it’s Selma. Anyhow, the hair only distracts me from this tremendously dull song until the histrionic vocal gyrations in the end. Given the choice of songs why do you pick an Idol Victory Song, which was A) Already sung Better on Idol and B) One of the worst songs EVER to be unenthusiastically shat out by a “song writer” and squirted onto a CD to make money. Syesha isn’t bad. She sings well, albeit in her 15 years out of style Whitney Houston vocal gymnastic style.

GRADE: B -- Syesha delivers what she does every week. She has one of the best voices on this show and wastes it every week on drivel.
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Jason Castro
Song: “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” as sung by that Israel guy who does it ukulele style on the Intranets. (as Simon said.)

Notes: Jason gives another of his idiosyncratic but amusing performances. He keeps doing smaller and more intimate songs, which seems absolutely wrong for Idol, but somehow the judges love him. I like him, too, which is the weird thing. He still sounds like he’s on the edge of singing out of tune every time, but his vocals were strong again.

GRADE: B+ -- Not a big fan of the song, but the performance was good, but not great.
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Kristy Cooke
Song: “Anyway” by Martina McBride

Grade: Kristy is in her wheelhouse with Middle of the Road, bland “New Country” here. This will be the album that she records. Hell, it’s the album she already recorded, but with more sparkles. As a VFTW candidate she’s too dull and listless, and is a modestly talented singer. She’s too bland to be offensive, which is the problem I have with her.

GRADE: B
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David Cook
Song: “Innocent” by Our Lady Peace

Notes: As my esteemed colleague Dean Kyle would say, “Is this Christian rock?” Because there’s this bland, innocuous sameness to all Christian rock songs. It’s forced uplifting. [I never said it WAS Christian rock, it just SOUNDS like Christian Rock-- Chan] I’ve never heard the song before, but Cook’s performance is all over the place. He starts with a weird gasp, like he’s tired BEFORE he starts singing, then goes into a schizophrenic choral back-up thing. It’s like Cook has channeled all of his earlier performances and whipped them in a blender for this song. It’s like when the T-2000 is dying and he goes through a hundred transformations in 30 seconds. There’s shades of Incubus, Eddie Vedder (more than likely Scott Staap, though) and Fall Out Boy. This song is horrible, and so is the performance. And I didn’t even mention the part where he stands 6 inches in front of Paula and sings in her face, or when he turns to the camera and holds up “Give Back” scrawled on the palm of his hand in ball-point pen ink. It’s all so strange and over the top.

GRADE: FAIL -- I think this performance fails on every level. From the self-important earnestness to the weird vocal contortions, he loses points. A VFTW worthy performance by our least plant-worthy Idol left. Bravo!
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Carly Smithson
Song: “Show Must Go On” By Queen

Notes: I love how this song is “inspirational” to Carly. The song is a painful dirge written as Freddy Mercury was dying but trying not to let his band-mates down. It’s depressing and about as inspiring as any song about dying can get. Still Carly wraps her foghorn vocals around it and lunkheaded-ly tries to smile. Once again, she’s too self-serious, the singing is overwrought and she still doesn’t connect with the audience. And she’s out of tune.

GRADE: FAIL -- The best part of this performance was when Simon paused in his harsh criticism, predicting a boo, but got only silence. Nobody disagreed with him. Awesome!
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The Archulater
Song: “Angels” by Robbie Robertson  Williams [I FIXED IT -- I can only blame the late nights and gallons of cough medicine for that mistake.  To borrow a line from Carly, I'm sorry I'm not at my best because I'm sick-- CHAN]

NOTES: Another painfully slow, earnest song from the Hobbit that sings. I guess it satisfies the "inspirational" criteria for the week, so it’s okay to be over-emotional and overwrought when you’re about to save all of the starving kids in Africa. This is what David does best, so he has moments of clear, clean vocals and 4th Grade Piano recital keyboardry. Randy likes the vocal run at the end. Of course he does. And all you need to know about Simon’s dubious musical taste is that he thinks this is a great pop song.

GRADE: B -- The Archulater recovers this week and gives his fans what they want, saccharine, sweet vocals on a weepy song, featuring junior high poetical platitudes written by a sensitive 8th grader, doodling on her notebook, in science class.
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Brooke White
Song: “You’ve Got a Friend” as sung by James Taylor? Carol King?

Notes: Ugh, another earnest, saccharine-sweet song with hippy-dippy platitudes. This song is straight from the ‘70s as the only thing Brooke was missing was one of those skinny Price is Right mics, with sparkles on it. Brooke’s not bad, but tries to take the mundane song in places it’s not meant to go. Second verse, same as the first.

GRADE: C -- Brooke is probably in danger after putting us all to sleep again.
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Eh, I knew Idol Gives Back week was going to suck. Oh well, I take solace in the fact that one of these snorers is going home this week. And AMANDA is ROCKING LOS ANGELES!!! Whoo! I got my tickets!

--Chan

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