Okay, I'll do the best I can with last night's performances, but I must warn you, I missed several large chunks of the show due to repeated suicide attempts by yours truly. Seems like every time one of the Best TOP 6 EVER EVER EVER FOREVER!!1! started to sing a song, I got this uncontrollable urge to stab myself in the heart repeatedly with the nearest sharp, pointy object. You'd think after the 3rd or 4th time, I would've locked up all the sharp stuff, but I thunk that watching Idol make me stupider. Me don't know, maybe it don't and me just imagine that it do. Wheeee! Typing fun!
Syesha - Damn, that girl is hot. Seriously, that's one hot girl. If this were a hot girl competition, she'd have this one in the bag by a mile. Added to the aformentioned hotness, Syesha actually showed some personality this week for the first time ever. Although her attempts to talk back to the judges when they judged her still seemed forced. She's kind of like Milton from Office Space, in that regard. "Umm, excuse me. I... I believe you have my stapler. I'm... I'll set the building on fire." Anyhoo, this was by far Syesha's best performance to date. Her reward? She's probably going home.
Jason Castro - Oops! You're supposed to be able to sing on this show? Who knew? Looking decidedly less stoned than usual, Mr. Castro kind of choked this week, but I think we all knew that was coming. Seriously, what stoner do you know who sits around listening to showtunes all day? None. Castro's best move on Andrew Lloyd Webber week probably would have been to pick something from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat ("Benjamin Calypso", anyone?) while tripping balls on the biggest handful of 'shrooms that he could find. That would have been, like, friggin' magical, bro.
Brooke White - Yeah, the sad fact is that the girl just can't sing. False start or no, the performance itself was just crap. And no, Brooke, this was not the first time you flubbed the lyrics and had to start over. One time is bad, two times is a death sentence. I honestly think being selected as the VFTW pick has drained her of the will to live. There was no "I know, I knooow" this week, just that little-girl-who-just-got-a-spanking bottom-lip-sticking-out crybaby pout. No tears though! So she's got that goin' for her... which is nice.
David Archuleta - I have no problems with his performance, especially because I (like the judges, apparently) am not familiar enough with these songs to know if the lyrics were flubbed or not. My problem with this kid is that he is a freaking blank slate. The moment that microphone is down and the music stops, he gets this weird, serene, go-to-my-happy-place look on his face, and he just stands there! Do something! Even when the little girls were hugging him it was like his brain was saying "Human contact! Social interaction! Error! Does not compute!" He's a cute little monkey, though. I'd like to stick some suction cups on his feet and hands and put him on my rear car window with a sign that says "Rain Man On Board."
Carly Smithson - I would like to note that it was mentioned for the 9,346,976,458th time this season that Carly is Irish. I must have missed all the other times, because this is the first I've heard of it. I actually thought Carly was decent this week, since most of her flab was covered up, she moved around a lot more to better disguise the PowerSquatTM, and the loud, upbeat rock 'n' roll music actually covered up a lot of that screeching coyote howl that she calls a voice. And that whole, "Simon loves me! (this week)" t-shirt thing seemed so scripted. I would like to send her a shirt that says "Terrorists hate me (it's all 9/11's fault! Boo hoo!)"
David Cook - By now on my 5th suicide attempt of the night, I was a little sleepy from all of the blood loss, so I fought and fought and fought to stay awake for David Cook's performance, but as soon as he hit his first few notes I raised the letter opener I had found on the coffee table to jam it deep into my chest cavity, but he was so damn boring that I fell asleep before I could follow through. So, in a way, you could say that David Cook saved my life by being so boring. In another way, you could just say that David Cook is boring. I think that would be sufficient.
So that was it. The worst episode of AI ever. The only thing that saved it was when Archuleta's dad threw an empty beer bottle at his son's head for flubbing the lyrics to "Music of the Night." Oh, wait. That didn't happen. I guess nothing saved the show. Bummer.
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We start our re-cap with bad news for Idol, that Jordin Sparks has vocal chord problems. This is sad because she was set to go on the Alicia Keys tour, which could’ve launched her singing career into a different stratosphere. Now, she has to sit on the sidelines because of the endless American Idol press and singing tour she was forced to endure, because she's only 17 and she didn’t learn how to take care of her voice properly. We hope that Jordin recovers. Of course nobody on Idol wishes Jordan well DURING THE SHOW. They better say something tomorrow.
There’s more bad news for Idol because their ratings are down 7% from last year, but more significantly they’re down 20% among women viewers. I guess the producers DO need us 18-35 dudes who watch the show for laughs, and to appease our significant others.
And one final bit of Idol related business... Going first has statistically been proven to Suck Ass. USA Today performed a study and found that Idols singing first are 54% more likely to go home. And nobody who has sung 11th or 12th has ever gone home that week. This is terrible news for us viewers because Nigel Lythgoe has said that they like to start the show with something up-tempo. So if you want to STAY ON THE SHOW YOU MUST SING A BALLAD!!! So um, sayonara Syesha.
You can read the whole story here, with nifty statistics.
http://www.whatnottosing.com/library/editorials.asp?id=18
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Tonight was Andrew Lloyd Webber night, and although I was expecting a train-wreck it was mostly good singing, especially by our least favorite Idols. So I’m going to have to take a shower after writing how good Carly was. I know, I’m sorry.
Idol has actually been a better launching ground for Broadway stars than Pop stars. For the only three Idols with legitimate professional recording careers: Carrie, Kelly Clarkson and Daughtry... even throw in Aiken, and there still have been more success stories on 42nd Street with the likes of Fantasia, Diane DeGarmo, Frenchie Davis... and Aiken.
Something about the cheesy nature of performing on Idol, plus low-wattage star power which doesn’t come with a heavy salary bonus and you’ve got a solid marriage.
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What was awesome about Lord Webber as a mentor is that he seemed unimpressed with these mediocre talents. All of his positive notes had caveats like “He MIGHT do a good job” and “I believe this girl has no idea what she was singing about (VFTW’s own Brooke).” He’s freakin’ Andrew Lloyd Webber, who has his choice of world-class musical talents to work with, so he doesn’t even have to pretend that he’s excited about working with these people.
Sir Andrew’s exceptional bit of advice to the Idols is to understand what the hell you’re singing about it, and make us believe it. “Stories make the performance.” Even lame stories about singing cats and people on roller-skates.
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Syesha Mercado -- in the death slot.
Song: “One Rock and Roll Too Many” from Starlight Express
Notes: For the first time on this show Syesha shows some personality. Yay. Too bad she’s going home tomorrow. Boo, I mean, yay! Syesha sings a bluesy, sassy number wearing a slinky red dress while standing on top of a piano. She really goes for it, flirting with band-leader Ricky Minor and that annoying guitar player... not David Castro, the other one. Taking a lesson from Lord Webber she overplays it a bit, using some of her alleged acting skills. Syesha is a little sexy, and over the top, but the song demands it. And those of us that have been nodding off during her torturous ballads demanded it too. And she really knows how to descend from a piano.
GRADE: B -- Pretty good audition for Broadway, Syesha. It would’ve been VFTW-worthy if she wore the roller-skates, though.
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Jason Castro
Song: “Memory” from Cats
Notes: Funniest line of the night comes from the perpetually dazed Jason: “I didn’t know a cat sang this song.” Sadly that was the only thing worth mentioning here. Jason’s thin voice is totally wrong for this song that has been sung by any number of powerful divas. There’s no way Jason could ever sound good in comparison. That being said, I don’t know if he could’ve sounded good singing any of Webber’s songs, as they’re meant to be belted out over 40-50 rows and Jason just isn’t that type of singer.
GRADE: D -- Not terrible, merely adequate, but tonight he looked bad in comparison to the other Idols. But I still love you, bro. Randy finally comes out of the closet and says Jason “is a beautiful guy.”
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Brooke White
Song: “You Must Love Me” from the film Evita.
Notes: Brooke has one of the most remarkable melt-downs during an Idol performance ever. Her psyche is already taxed to the breaking point so much that she has to start her song over after screwing up one measure in. From there it kind of snow-balled and was sheer agony to watch. She seemed to get the song every other line, but the other half of the time she seemed lost, scared and tense. Poor Brooke. Maybe we can save her for next week’s breakdown on
Manilow night.Neil Diamond Night. (Oops... Neil, Barry, either way it's going to VFTW-worthy)GRADE: FAIL -- A colossal train-wreck, even though Brooke soldiers up and doesn’t shed any tears, for a change. I felt bad for her, and so did millions of viewers, so she’s probably safe.
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The Archulater -- breaking the hearts of 12 year old girls across the land... except the 20% no longer watching Idol.
Song: “Think of Me” from Phantom of the Opera.
Notes: Archuleta is FINALLY forced to sing anything but an inspirational schmaltz ballad. Instead he sings an emotional love ballad. We’re talking baby steps here, but it makes all the difference. I don’t know why David’s dad didn’t let him sing any love ballads before because you could audibly hear the teeny girls across the country swooning. David turns the song into a poppy love song and although it’s about as far from anything I’d ever listen to as humanly possible, I admired what he did, and he did it superbly. Don’t get me wrong, Archuleta gives his typical performance: squinty eyes, gasping breath, laughable stage presence. But this song was a bull's-eye for his fans.
GRADE: A -- David makes the song contemporary-sounding and I could imagine his version on the radio tomorrow. Even if he doesn’t become a pop star David is ready for Broadway, where they can’t hear his gasping 40 rows back.
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Carly Smithson
Song: “Jesus Christ Superstar” from, you know.
Notes: In her bio video meeting with Webber, Carly was going to sing something from Phantom of the Opera, before Webber practically forced her to sing the perfect song for her talents. “Superstar” being the most rocking, sing it out loud tunes in the Webber song-book. I mean, how stupid is this girl? Carly hits an easy home-run where her power voice belting and serious faces go a long way to tell the story. She even seems to be having fun tonight. Andrew Lloyd Webber is a genius.
GRADE: A -- Easily Carly’s best and most credible finalist-worthy performance since the show started. Then she pisses away all of my good will when she brings out an idiotic “Simon loves me” T-shirt. Dumb AND desperately needy, what a gal.
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David Cook
Song: “Music of the Night” from Phantom of the Opera
Notes: Andrew Lloyd Webber is responsible for the second most uncomfortable moment of the evening when he forces Cook to sing to him like he’s a hot, 17 year old girl. Gross tactics, but they seem to work as Cook sings a note-perfect, straight ahead version of the song. Cook is clearly Broadway-ready. Sure the song is super-cheeseriffic but that’s par for the course on Webber night, and when all Cook had to do was not screw up, he hits a homerun.
GRADE: A -- Probably the best performance of the night. And then he does his mock-humble mouthing “thank you” at the audience cheers, which is pretty funny. I’m always amused by his fake humility. Awesome.
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I actually enjoy Idol Broadway nights because they separate the men from the boys or at least the Man-Women like Carly. Show tunes are like Storytelling Singing 101, and if you can’t tell us the story of the song, then your musical career isn’t going to last long. Thank you Andrew Lloyd Webber for making that point tonight.
--Chan
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