Idol Final 4: Ditto, what Dave said.

Seacrest ponderously announces that the Idols will be singing two songs from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame list of all-time great rock songs.  “Maybe one of them will end up in the Hall some day” muses Ryan.  Eh, maybe not, dude.

After a lively discussion of what is wrong with Idol here at VFTW, I think we can all agree on one point.  What if they took away all the lies and the money-grubbing and humiliation of delusional contestants, and just made the show into a singing competition?

What is so wrong about a nation-wide search for the best undiscovered talent in America?  Oh, right.  Because this..............................................................
Is American Idol...  How could I forget?

How is it possible, that despite having the contestants choosing from a list of 500 of the greatest rock songs of all time we’re left with this bunch of piffle?  Maybe it’s because I’ve heard all of these songs a million times before, all done much better.  Well, all except “A Change is Gonna Come”, I could stand to hear that song a lot more.  But a lot less “Stand By Me”, “I Shot The Sheriff” and “Love Me Tender.”  A LOT less, “Love Me Tender” please.

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David Cook
Songs: “Hungry Like a Wolf” by Duran Duran -- “Baba O’Reilly” by The Who

I like this song, but is it really one of the 500 all time great rock and roll songs?  David sings it with nice raspy vocals and it’s a pretty solid straight ahead version.  We’ve heard David sing much better and more dynamically, though.  I think the problem is that for a final four performance it wasn’t tremendously exciting.  

Paula makes a desperate pass at David, “Your hungry like a wolf left me with a big appetite...” for Cook’s big, bald kielbasa I’m guessing.  After last week’s gaffe that exposed the fake machinery of American Idol, Paula is trying to overcompensate with overt sluttiness this week.

David’s slowed down, grungie version of the venerable Who classic was decent as well.  He cut about 28 minutes out of the song... and since the whole thing is build-up there wasn’t much drama left to wring out of the 90 second version.  But David hits the shouty parts well and does a good job.  I laughed at his ridiculous ‘80s shoulder-pads jacket, however.

GRADE: B -- I wasn’t enthralled by anything but David delivered what his fans expect... Watered down modern rock sensibilities with a soupcon of ego and just enough outside the box song choices to make him seem like “an original.”  
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Syesha Mercado
Songs: “Proud Mary” by Tina Turner and “A Change is Going to Come” by Sam Cooke.

Syesha still has the most to prove tonight, what with the David’s doing their thing and Jason seemingly made of Teflon.  I still can’t put my finger on the exact reason why I dislike Syesha as she has a big, beautiful voice and has been giving fairly solid performances the last few weeks.  Maybe it was about a month and a half of stale Whitney-Mariah covers that killed my interest in her.

Syesha's “Proud Mary” is a professional attempt, although a 75 year old Tina Turner devastated on this song at the Grammies last year, but that happens.  Syesha even throws in some dance steps to show that she’s not a mannequin that sings.  I thought the arrangement was a little ponderously paced, but Syesha hits the big notes like a pro.

Syesha sums it up best when she declared: “This song has been covered 100 times.”  Now make that 101.

To amuse me Syesha channels Brooke with her “It’s okay, it’s okay” during Simon’s brutal assessment.

She channels Brooke again later, openly weeping after a Glory note filled “A Change Is Going To Come.”  On the final 12 second note I got a good look at Syesha’s mighty fine tonsils, and probably her pre-show snack, too.

Syesha’s naive observation that the song “was written during the Civil Rights movement.  Sam Cooke sang this song at a pivotal time in history... and tonight is a pivotal time in my life” was pretty daffy.  Just because you sang an important song decades later doesn’t  make YOU important, girl.

GRADE: B -- Syesha has a pretty voice, but I thought her performances were pretty bland.  Simon loved “Change”, of course, because he pops a boner every time he hears a Glory Note.  But Simon does get the 2nd best line of the night with “Randy, you made her cry.”  That was funny.
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Jason Castro
Songs: “I Shot The Sherriff” by Bob Marley, and “Mr. Tambourine Man” by Bob Dylan

Jason makes VFTW proud with his pair of bad performances.  I loved his sly eye roll when Jason tells us he’s singing “I Shot The Sheriff”, of course.  

Actually the Sheriff wasn’t terrible, just typically Jason mediocre.  But Jason really seemed to be hitting his stride in “Tambourine Man” before he screws the pooch by forgetting the words two bars in.  It was horrible and mostly painful to watch after that.  

In typical AI Band fashion I couldn’t hear the guitar on the first song.  It’s almost like the Producers are trying to send him home... hmm.  But Jason does their work for them by tanking the Dylan song, and probably will get his wish.

GRADE: FAIL -- Jason gets the best line of the best line of the night, however.  After Simon’s utter dressing down on “Sheriff” he bitches, “I don’t even know what you were thinking.”  Jason’s awesome retort: “I was thinking Bob Marley!”  That was Bad-ass, bra’.  And the Dylan song was just plain bad, ass.  So everyone, we urge you, VFTW!!!
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Hey Rascal Flatts are in the audience.  They were on “Dancing With The Stars” last week...  Talk about reality TV whoring.  Those guys blow with super-human levels of puckering.

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And finally...  The Archulater... blanding up music for the New Generation.

Archuleta starts with “Stand By Me” a song I never want to hear again.  David’s standard dull and listless, although technically adequate singing is “Trying to win the whole thing” according to Randy.  And Paula calls David “seasoned.”  Seasoned?  He’s probably sung this song a thousand times as a veteran of the County Fair circuit.

Then David does a boy-band version of “Love Me Tender”, a song that even Elvis fans have to admit sucks a great deal.  Or in Arhulet-ese... Love {Gasp} Me {Gasp} Tender...

David calls it a “fun song to sing” despite squinting his eyes and showing absolutely no pleasure throughout the 90 second running time.  It’s as if David goes to his Happy Place every time he performs, because his Dad can’t abuse him while the cameras are on.  

GRADE: B -- I would love to give David a grade equal to my hatred of him, but the UCLA sorority girls in the mosh pit squealed like David was the second coming of The King.  Or at least the third or fourth coming of Hanson or Kirk Cameron.  

Randy gets the unintentionally funny line of the night when he baldly declared his man-boy love for Archuleta: “I loved how you were so tender and caressed each word.”

And with that we’ll leave this soggy, miserable bore of a Final Four.
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Next Week... Final Three.  Will AI pull another Daughtry and send the presumed Rocker-Front Runner Cook home at 4?  I have to say, after earning our VFTW nomination Jason has delivered the hardcore suckage.  Vote Hard and Vote Often, people.  VFTW!!!

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Professor Chan For Questions, Comments, Fan Mail --