Adeola Adegoke
Can't sing, but super pretty. I think Simon likes young white men and black girls.
Jorge Nunez
He's gay, but way manlier than Marc Antony - haha
Jessika Baier
The judges are stupid as poop. She was good
Melinda Camille
Hot - I wanted her boobies to fall out of her dress.
Jackie Tohn
Sounds like every bar singer chick ever. And she sang a Jason Mraz song - that guy is the most annoying thing I've experienced in my 14 years of life.
Joel Contreras
He was awesome! Hope he gets his own TV show.
Nick Mitchell
Poor Jessika... they put this only moderately amusing guy through and not her :(
Kendall Beard
Hey, she's hot and from my hometown. YAY!
Monique Garcia Torres
She was okay. If I took my little brother, I'd get him to pee on Simon or something. Oh, wait - I think Simon would like that too much
Patricia Lewis Roman
They kept showing a hot chick's belly right before her in the previews. I don't think it was her torso. Shame.
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So unluckily for me "The Office" is a re-run tonight. That means I have to gut out another crappy bad singing episode. But happily it is the LAST bad singing episode and a lot of Worst talent snuck through tonight. LOTS of Worst Talent.
In a somewhat unsettling way Idol cross-cuts from New York to Puerto Rico. Apparenlty the Puerto Rican auditions sucked really hard, but the New York non-talents looked equally terrible to me.
Seacrest promises: "Saving our best for last." And if you believe that then Season 7 was "the Most Talented Ever." And Seacrest "likes" girls.
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It looked like the judges were happy that these were the last two audition stops as well. Simon in particular had that "last week of the semester" giddiness.
1. Adida Adegoke -- She quit her job to be on Idol. Don't worry, Simon talks her boss into giving her job back after she bombs her audition. Adida is nervous and a bad singer and she was boring to boot. Paula, always the slow kid in class chirps: "Let's take a vote." Trust me Paula, Adida sucks. Randy throws some more contrived slang at the wall to see if it catches on with the young'uns... "Singing is not your skeez, dude." Yeah, that one is gonna go far. Way to start the "Saving the Best For Last" episode on a crappy note.
2. Fabulous Jorge -- The first Puerto Rican auditioner is a winner. "I'm gonna rock America with my voice!" says Jorge. He's flamboyant and can actually sing. He sounds like Marc Anthony but you know, mas macho. VFTW CONTENDER. It'll be hard NARROWING DOWN our Worst choices from so many deliciously bad contenders.
3. Bodacious Jessika -- She's a big girl with lots of tan. She sings in an operatic, over the top voice. Okay, so she's shouting. But she's no worse than half the people that got Gold tickets already. Jessika basically gets the boot because she's fat. Idol clearly has a HOT CHICKS ONLY mandate this season. Nahh, they're not at all worried about the ratings slipping.
4. Nudist Colony Melinda -- She has a shaved head and doesn't wear a bra. She also says she likes to dance naked. Yeah, we'll vote for her. "With my voice I want to uplift humanity." She's not terrible but she butchers her song. She still makes it to Hollywood because she's cute and flaky. VFTW CONTENDER. Simon kills my buzz with his "Imagine Randy naked" line. No Simon, that's your grizzly bear fantasy.
5. Jackie Tohn -- She wears a Pat Benitar unitard top and has a voice like a rusty bandsaw. Miraculously she makes it to Hollywood. I can't decide if I hate her or want her to be our Worst choice. We have an embarrassment of VFTW riches. I'm so happy. VFTW CONTENDER.
Seacrest teases: "Coming up the girl with the sweet little brother." Oh great, he's probably dying of some incurable disease.
6. Crazy Rocker -- Puerto Rico's answer to Tom Green. He's clearly putting on his unfunny act. NEXT.
7. "Norman Gentle" -- I originally thought Norman was another bad comic grasping at his two minutes of Idol Ignominy. He does a flamboyant cabaret schtick including horrible singing and funny faces. Simon isn't buying it, but he seems remarkably familiar with saucy cabaret. Norman butchers a song, but remarkably gets a second chance based on his cutting edge Seacrest-on-Simon testicle humor. Norman asks: "Do I need a chair?" before he butchers "Amazing Grace" while wearing wacky sensitive guy glasses. And he STILL makes it to Hollywood. I cheered. And Kara casts the decisive YES vote. Kara is a closet Worster. Amazing. VFTW SUPERSTAR!
8. Next up, the heavily teased Monique The Girl With The Special Brother. I guess by "special" they mean normal and not dying, thankfully. Monique is 16 and sings like it, okay voice but really green. But she's not bad and Simon has a soft spot for kids, so she's off to Hollywood.
9. Mental Patient Alexis -- the foul-mouthed crack whore from last season. She's apparenlty practicing Buddhist chanting now. She butchers "Like a Prayer." Simon says she's gotten worse from last year. I'll say. She only gives a half-heart double-bird to Simon and an ineffectual "you're an asshole." BORING.
10. Patricia -- Boring Puerto Rican singer who somehow gets the night's pimp slot and a gold ticket.
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Well, the episode still sucked mainly because the Bad Singing Audition formula is SOOOOOO TIRED. Except for the shocking gold ticket for Norman Gentle you can pretty much tell who makes it and who doesn't. Everyone who makes it has a sob story and a video crew follows them around as they kiss babies, play with their cute pets, cure the lepers and sponge bath their bed-ridden, dying parents. Everyone knows that they can beg to do a second song. The show always ends on an "emotional" and "inspirational" final act. Laughing at delusional non-talents stopped being funny after William Hung became a star, and most of the really scary people are all wacky comedic actors looking for 30 seconds of infamy. It's all so tired and repetitive.
MEMO TO IDOL PRODUCERS FOR SEASON 9 -- Please, PLEASE change up the formula.
The relentless promos for the upcoming Hollywood week promise lots of drama and tears, so you know it will suck.
--Chan
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