Final 13 Results: "Introducing The Anti-Vote For The Worst Rule."

I love when the Producers say they gon't give a crap about VFTW...  Oh yeah?  I think Idol Producers are #1.

So here's the question of the night from Ryan.  What do Jennifer Hudson, Michael Johns and Chris Daughtry have in common?  Hmm, let me see.  Only one was our Worst, so that's not it.  Only two went on to successful music careers.  Nope, that can't be it either.  I just can't put my finger on it...  Oh, right.  They all have ginormous tattoos of their names on their backs.  I got it, right?

So, they went and jumped the shark.  Again.   Idol unveils their brand spanking new Anti-Vote For The Worst Rule.  The judges will be given one chance per season to rescue someone from the scrap heap of an ignominious early booting.  A Magic Ticket, if you will.  But they have to use it by the Final 5.  

I have to say, this is the stupidest rule imaginable that only damages Idol's reputation.  How many times do the judges and Producers get to shove someone down our throats?  There's the audition.  Then there's 4 or 5 eliminations in Hollywood including the Locked Room and the Elevator episodes.  Isn't that enough hand-holding?  Shouldn't they let someone stand or fall on their own merits?  Well, no.  Because in their rabid attempt to screw us they're just torpedoing their own stupid show.  Check the ratings history, the shocking early eliminations ALWAYS goose the ratings whenever the season starts to get stale.  Now are people going to tune in to watch singers NOT get eliminated?  

In attempt to fix their show they're just breaking it worse.  Wasn't the problem with last season the sheer predictability of the inevitable David vs. David conclusion?  Were they really going to save Johns or Carly?  I think not.

Furthermore, we know they're just saving this Magic Ticket for one of the chosen ones.  So it's not enough to get prime pimp slots, a great sob story video.  Great arrangements, great songs, great lighting.  But if Gokey, Lambert or Lil Rounds can't pull it off with all that help, they'll STILL be allowed to stay on the show?  That's horse shit.  

But the stupidest part of this whole asinine segment is when Ryan and Simon patted each other on the back and agreed "We could've saved Daughtry."  No you couldn't you assholes, he went home 4th.  You just finished explaining your own goddamn rules.  Your Magic Ticket only works up to FINAL FIVE!!!  Are you morons?  Oh yeah, right.

And apparently a show also happened.  
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Ryan announces "We let them choose from the greatest song books of all time."  And they still chose these horrible songs?  Some of the songs they could've chosen, including strong melodies, instant recognition and room for vamping...
"Rock With You", "Off The Wall" "Billy Jean (much better song for vocals than "Beat It") "Another Part of Me" "Smooth Criminal" "Say Say Say" and of course "Ben" a love song to a rat.  Laugh, but it was a #1 hit and won a Golden Globe and an Oscar nomination.  Okay, the song blows.  But I promise if anyone on Idol ever sings it we'll vote for them.

Some other Bad Stuff that happened on the show, aside from the NO-VFTW Rule:  

--Idols acting like idiots in a mansion.  People, you don't get to KEEP the mansion.  

-- Idols do that horrible, fake self-congratulatory guffawing  EVERY SINGLE TIME they watch their terrible Pride Sell-Off/Train Wreck/Fnord commercial.  

-- Now every week Seacrest is going to say "You're going home, unless the judges are going to save you."  And then they'll say, "Sorry hon, don't let the door smack you on the way out."  That'll kill 5 minutes of air-time every week.

-- I can't even begin to tell you how much I hate this new rule.  It's insuring that none of the non-winners will have success beyond Idol.  It's like the judges are saying, "Not only did America hate you, but we hate you too.  Now go back to Loser-ville, you stupid hick."

-- Ooh, Kanye West is such a remarkable "singer."  Now, when you look up "Sold Out" in the dictionary it's a picture of Kanye and his goddamn vocorder.  I know they're all the rage in hip-hop right now but the vocorder's relevance and usefulness began and ended with Zapp and Roger in 1980.

-- Kanye jumps on the judge's stage and 12 year old girls froth at the mouth.  That's gross.  I guess that explains why Michael Jackson couldn't be here tonight (restraining order... kids.)

-- I'm absolutely shocked that Lil is safe over Jorge.  I know.  This is the kind of dramatic tension we're going to get all season.  "Anoop, Gokey... one of you is going home, unless the judges save you."

-- And we have to suffer through the new horrible Idol going home song TWICE tonight.  Boo!

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So let's end things on a positive note.  Here are some of the things that amused me tonight.  Yes I know, things.  Plural.

-- Megan with her giant wooden ball necklace is safe.  VFTW Victory!

-- Finally another dance number with Blind Scott.  Jorge leads him around at one point during the number.  Even without Scott's awesomeness this performance would suck.  And memo to Idol Producers, I thought this was "the most talented group of singers in Idol history" what's with the lip-synching?  

-- To continue his awesomeness Scott can't lip-synch either.  It's fantastic, he just makes his furious face and gamely tries his damnedest to entertain.  His lip-synching during the Fnord Sell-Out is hilarious.

-- After Scott was declared safe, three Idols reached out and guided him to his chair.  That's camaraderie for you.  Except that Scott is vision impaired, not incompetent.  I think he can successfully sit down by himself.

-- I'm convinced that they need to have a camera devoted to Paula throughout the show.  Just have a Paula cam in the tiny corner of the TV screen so we can see what she's up to at all times.  Her boobages were perilously clinging to stay inside her dress tonight.

-- They didn't mess around with Danny,  sending him through instantly, "No, Danny, don't bother getting up, you're safe.  We didn't spend millions of dollars pushing you to the moon to waste our judge's Magic Ticket on you tonight."

-- Plump Kelly Clarkson is back.  She's eating again.  Good for her.  She comes out to awkward banter with Ryan.  I'm also a fan of Kelly's hefty bassist.  Except that Kelly sounds horrible tonight.  Her vibrato just wasn't working.  

-- Actually "My Life Would Suck Without You" is the perfect Idol song.  A slow melodic part, then a faster belting part.  With lots of room to do vocal gymnastics.  Yeah, that's why Kelly won.  She invented the successful Idol two minute song formula.

-- Anoop is SAFE!!!  Minor VFTW Victory.  Time to bring it next week Anoop.  You got a reprieve.  

-- Ryan is clearly enjoying his new punchline.  "So Jorge you're going home, unless the judges deem you worthy...  But no, they're saving their Magic Ticket for when Gokey goes home.  Now piss off, eyebrows.  You're dirtying our stage."  

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In celebration of our victory I watched Megan Cock-ring's awesome performance from last night again.  After the initial astonishment at someone willingly CHOOSING that horrible song has worn off I can appreciate her little birdie dance and forced cheerfulness during the performance of the god-awful song.  Because when I think of Michael Jackson, I think of "Rockin' Robin."

"Caw! Caw!"
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So what did you guys think?  Yeah, I know predictable and mostly awful, but that's how all these results shows are.

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