CI5 Episode 25: Top 5 Results: "Jesus Hates Fat Communists"
It's a historic night at VFTW as Jaydee Bixby, thanks to our power, money and millions of votes, is trying to set the record as longest running VFTW pick EVER! And we know it's VFTW's night as we start with the group number. Our Idols are doing Change The World and it might as well be Matt and Dwight in the Top 2 as their massive girths are taking up the entire stage. Without the judges waiting, Carly Rae seems extra loose missing every other note. And Jaydee's twang is in full effect, but don't we all sing with a twang when we're piss drunk?
Ben Mulroney comes out and he's a bigger liar than his father as he tells us there were 4.1 million votes last night. Ben says that tonight's guest Kelly Clarkson is an example of where this show can take you, right into Clive Davis' dungeon. Kelly's first song is her latest flop Never Again. Kelly's angry as hell and has decided to sabotage her album (and career) just to spite Clive Davis. She follows this three minutes of incessant whining with Because Of You and is actually looking alright with her Jorbacca arms and thunder thighs fully covered. Throw on a Burka and I'd hit it.
Ben's back to tell us that VFTW has another assignment as we'll be picking the songs for the Top 3. Then it's time to find out who'll be kicked out of the mansion tonight, other than Jaydee, who was kicked out of the mansion weeks ago. Brian's wearing a hat...oh yeah, and he's safe. Dwight's next and he can settle himself into the comfortable dent in the middle of the stage which his huge ass has made over the past few weeks. And it's time for Sanjaya to hang up the ponyhawk and Corpsey Lebland to be dissected as Jaydee is SAFE and sets the new record for longest run by a VFTW pick EVER! Carly Rae's next and she can stop popping the quaaludes as she's safe, meaning we'll be back in an hour when Matt's been able to drag his disturbingly massive girth to the middle of the stage...
We're back and if Jaydee setting one record tonight wasn't enough, we set another as Matt and Dwight combine to make up the heaviest Bottom 2 on any Idol show ever. And while Matt knows he's easily blowing away Dwight and Andrew Austin in their weight gain competition, he's counting on his Saskatchewan Communist Call Center Comrades and Jesus to get him through tonight. But Jesus hates fat communists as Matt's eliminated. Either that, or Jesus didn't like that Matt's been posting on boards.
With no living acts willing to mentor the Idols anymore, CTV will be busy digging up Paul Anka for next week's Standards show. We're down to the Top 4 and the joking's over. The 'tards and Neufelds laughed for six weeks as VFTW got Jaydee through but the joking (and denial) is over as Jaydee makes VFTW history tonight. But that's so 2 hours ago, and it's time to realize our true power in this comatose country and set our eyes on the greatest VFTW victory of all...making an Elvis impersonating/inbreed/alcoholic/fake-twang/sister kissing/flashing druggie the next Canadian Idol!
STP (smarterthanpickler)
If you have anything to say, leave a comment, send me a message or go tell Jaydee's sisters to start puckering up!
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If Jaydee and Carly Rae wind up as the two finalists, will CI change its theme music to Dueling Banjos?
I don't want to say Matt & Dwight are obese, but when I opened up the picture of them as the bottom two, my monitor crashed through my desk.
__________________________piece of shit fucking CUNTY
Add this one to your scorecard:
Fatt Crapley c & b VFTW
Oh Thank the good Lord in Heaven we've been spared the agony of another awful performance from Fatt Crapley! Praise be to the Almighty! Hallelujah!
...oh, and Jesus Freaks, please be advised that God is busy. Please leave a message and He will get back to you as soon as you have something more freakin' important than a TV show to annoy Him about. He's got galaxies to destroy and new planets to create to care even one iota about how much you want Him to make your I-dolt win.
Thank you and have a fantastic day!
__________________________Anytime I hear something bad, I hit myself with a mooncake tin lid.
...Now why does my head hurt again?
Sanjayvis the Elviscerator will lead the way to the finale!
VICTORY IS UPON US!
Did Kelly laugh as much as she did last night?
HAHAHAHH Doormatt you got SO busted :D Toodles, fatboy, no loss to our ears!
HAHahahah all they can get to mentor the contestants is Paul Anka who has turned alarming shades of orange leather...and Sass! FFS! That's it? Even Kalan refuses to participate other than turn up to flog his CD!
Dwight looks like a midget, standing next to Doormatt the Killer Whale!
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"If Jaydee and Carly Rae wind up as the two finalists, will CI change its theme music to Dueling Banjos?"
Will the finale include rafting downriver and a really distrubing male rape scene? Gosh, if so Canada is more progressive than I thought...if you can call that progress.
I hear Burt Reynolds is looking for an acting gig. But I don't think he could act like a CI singer...but given the duo of Jaydee and Carly Rae, he may just be crowned Canadian Idol as a viable third option after the other two destroy the place singing some hilbilly crap.
Talk about Vote for the Worst. If that duo makes it to the end, we are going to have a hard time deciding who's really WORST.
Magooish
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Will the finale include rafting downriver and a really distrubing male rape scene?
"Squeal like a pig" can describe the vocal styling of many an Idol contestant.
__________________________piece of shit fucking CUNTY
http://www.ctv.ca/mini/idol2007/static/poll.html
Boo, we can only select from songs they already chose. I wanted to make them all sing something sung by a Muppet.
That totally blows.
Sometimes your eyes play tricks on you. I looked at the choices, and for Carly, I could have sworn I saw this:
White Flag - Dildo
I would have voted for that.
__________________________piece of shit fucking CUNTY
HA HA, and that applies to athlete morons who do stuff like the Sign of the Cross when they score a touchdown, or pray when they're about to shoot a free throw, or throw a pitch, etc etc etc. I think I can safely say that the entire Holy Trinity doesn't give a rats crap whether some team wins a championship or not.
__________________________ROCK TIL DEATH!!!
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Damn!! They even let us Americans vote. I suggested RING OF FIRE last week for Jayvis. And you read it right - it IS White Flag by Dildo.
__________________________ROCK TIL DEATH!!!
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*Sigh of relief* I'm so happy Jaydee made it through!!
PAR-TAY!!!!11shift