After 10 000 fame whores, 198 desperate wannabes, 22 posers and 10 fat pigs (and one very bald producer), it's finally time to find out who'll be making the CD the CTV staff will be using as drink coasters in 6 weeks. Brunton has completely moved the goal posts as he installed his puppet judges and host but VFTW has evened the playing field (and taken a giant piss on it) as we prepare to see the culmination of all the power, money and resources we've accumulated in Canada this year as we prepare to celebrate our GREATEST VFTW VICTORY EVER!1!F.U.CTV!1!

The show starts off with a flashback to all of our past Idol winners but CTV seems to burn their videos every five years as there's no sighting of Ryan What's-His-Face?. CTV has catered to VFTW all season by starting every results show off with the Group Number and tonight they've cooked up the only thing that could possibly be worse than the infamous disasters we all love...a Bon Jovi Group Number, with all our favourite Idols back, fatter than ever! The boys start off this Cant-Miss Disaster and CTV knows what's best as Dwight will get to play his guitar as much as he wants tonight, as long as he doesn't sing. And it's time to reinforce the stage as Matt's back. Greg comes hopping off the sidewalk where he's been living and onto the stage and is grateful as he's getting a full bag of Kraft Dinner for his troubles. Jaydee and Brian come out next and settle nicely into the groove in the stage that's been formed by the three massive pigs who preceeded them.

The girls are next and Cold Plates Tara is back and she's still running around the stage, probably from that terrible case of crabs. Khalila's back and she's glad to be getting a break from her daycare center, where she's now a laughing stock with the children after her miserable failure on the show. Mila's back and she's looking for a severe beating VFTW style as she doesn't have her 'fro. And after eight weeks of repair, it's time to roll Joybot16 onto the stage. Joybot's programmers have upgraded its hair and clothes but are still generations away from installing the elusive emotion chip. Carly's up and while she didn't win Canadian Idol, the 30 pounds of fat she gained while on the show helped clear up the question as to whether semen is fattening or not.

Ben Mulroney comes out and while he's been a lying little bitch all season, his father's told him he's going to have to take the lying to a higher level to be corrupt like him, so he tells us there were 5 million votes last night. Ben engages the judges and asks Zack about the growth we've seen over the summer. Zack responds that at first, Matt's growth disturbed him the most but now he worries that Carly might be the first to have a heart attack. When asked who's going to win, Farley says that Canada's taste will be reflected tonight, and that taste is an Elvis Impersonator with fake twang.

While CTV catered to VFTW by starting off the show with the group number, it's time to twist the thorn in our side as they tease us with the all-time VFTW Canadian Idol What-Could've-Been in Avril Lavigne, 21, from Napanee, Ontario who, in a different reality, could've been this year's Canadian Sanjaya. She's chatting with the Final 2. Avril tells Jaydee she dropped out of High School, giving him added confidence for when he gives his teachers and former friends a big middle finger next week. And along with being a VFTW candidate in a different reality, Avril would've also made a perfect 'tard as when Jaydee tells Avril his age, she screams with the glee of a Caketard...OMG ONLY 17!1! Brian says that he and Avril have something in common. Avril reminds Brian that she has sold 30 million records, toured the World many times, is married to a rock star and lives in a mansion in the Hollywood Hills. Brian then says they have absolutely nothing in common. Avril's first song tonight is called Hot!, and it's very hot, like a heaping pile of dog shit. Avril has the cutest pink mic stand that she can lean on as she stands still on stage like a lifeless corpse. Anorexic Avril looks like she's gained a touch of weight...the ten pounds of makeup on her face. She then does When You're Gone and, as Worsters, we feel connected with Avril, knowing that she once sat in the seat that had been warmed by VFTW Founder Dave Della Terza's ass.

We next see Dave Kerr for what seems like the first time this season. Brian then is hooked-up to a gathering of all of Brunton's relatives in Hamilton. Brian screams the he Loves The 'Hammer, while fellow Idol Carly Loves The Hummer. And we can finally close this Nazi mystrey as Brian is talking to a friend who is a clone of Oklahoma City Bomber Timothy McVeigh. Jaydee's next and he has a hook-up direct to Bum Fuck, Alberta. Our boy's in deep thought as when Ben asks him what's going through his head, he says...Nothing! Jaydee's relative tells Canada ...You can take the boy out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the boy, and VFTW says ...you can try to take the Elvis out of the boy, but Brunton can go screw himself.

Our Top 10 is back and they're each doing a song in the order in which they were humiliatingly eliminated. Mila and Khalila go first, as will next year's Black contestants who'll be the first to be eliminated from this pure show. Joybot's been plugged back in and just as VFTW thinks it's having the perfect season, she destroys it once again by singing Celine Dion. But VFTW gets that warm feeling back quickly as Greg hops onto the stage and gets to torture himself one final time by doing Moron Five. Cold Plates is next and has had to fight with Avril and Carly for every pound of makeup caked on her face tonight. Here comes Matt, very slowly. He's doing Whipping Post, and he's been eating the Whipping Cream, and in his 30 second performance works up a bigger sweat than two basketball teams would accumulate in a seven game playoff series. And after all this singing, it's time for an extended guitar solo as Dwight's back. He's caught enough lobsters this week to buy himself a new pair of bondage pants. And Dwight's made sure to leave the mic stand in the right postion for Carly to use as her pole. Jaydee and Brian finish off this massacre which will always serve as a tribute to the GREATEST VFTW SEASON EVER!

We get a flashback to all the artists who've mentored our Idols this season via satelite. Jaydee says that when he met Paul Anka ...It wasn't love at first sight, and let VFTW assure Jaydee that it won't be love at second, third or millionth site either. And talking about still hating something after the millionth time, Bon Jovi's next. All of their 'tards have long ago grown up, gotten married, gotten divorced, become addicted to pain killers, then killed themselves, so Jon's reaching out to a new audience by cropping his hair like Melissa Etheridge (post-cancer diagnosis). Too bad Dwight wasn't around for the finale as Bon Jovi could've given him a master class on being a poser.

Ben says that it's now time to thank all the fans who make this show what it is. As the scaryboard and IDF have shut down long ago and ratings have shriveld up and died, he must be talking about VFTW. The Idols are singing together and we really get to hear what Jake always talks about with his Unique! Unique! Unique! as even in a crowd of dozens, nothing's more unique sounding than Brian and Carly's gurggling and someone's massive fake twang.

It's now time for this year's winner to get a glimpse into their future as multi-hundred selling artist Eva Avila is back. Ben tells us that true to Idol form, Eva's debut single went number one, and she's remained true to Idol form as she's fallen completely off the music landscape less than a year after she was crowned. And talking about staying true to form, Eva still has all the fake pouts, winks and stupid faces to spare which Carly can only dream about. Ben asks Eva when her second album is coming out...When, Eva?...Hello, anybody home?

We then get a retrospective of the greatest run ever on Canadian Idol...Jaydee Bixby's. And VFTW knows it's an uphill battle as we see a sign that says Drumheller Is Jaydee Country. We get to see his classic audition again and just in case we missed it the first million times, the huge, wet smooch he smacked on his sister's lips. We get to re-live his ten performances of Lawdy Miss Clawdy and see how he has grown from a naive inbred hick into a womanizing, boozing inbred hick. And Jaydee wants to give one final THANKYOUVERYMUCH! to VFTW for all our support as he's doing Johnny B. Goode just for us, bringing all the dopey faces, fake twang, strolling in audience, kissing women, crazy-Elvis leg and finishing-Elvis pose that's made him the most cherished Canadian VFTW choice ever.

It's time for a retrospective on Brian and VFTW's not going to sit here and give free publicity to some right-wing freak with a hate tattoo on his shaved head. However, we will let Brian participate in one of the most cherished VFTW traditions...the annual Final 2 Duet Disaster. While this has been the worst season ever by a mile and Jaydee and Brian are stinking it up, they can comfort themselves that they'll never reach the levels of VFTW infamy set by Rex Goudie and Melissa two years ago. And as if Jaydee hasn't catered to VFTW enough this year by posing with our sign and giving us a four-month long Elvis impersonation, he gives us one final performance of That's Alright Momma that has every quality that will make Grandmas giddy until they drop dead in the next 6-18 months.

While this season has been one long VFTW-Dream-Come True, it's time for four months of Elvis impersonations, hate messages hidden under hats, singing robots and one VFTW Victory after another to come to an end as it's time for the results. We know that last year's final had three million viewers and three million votes. This year's final had two million viewers and five million votes. VFTW's not only responsible for the new extra two million votes but for the million votes lost from the people who've given up on this crapfest, meaning that VFTW was responsible for three million of the five million votes last night, meaning that Jaydee should win by over a million votes. And while VFTW has screwed CTV all season and continuously sabotaged every Brunton ploy to advance his chosen ones, Brunton gets to think he's getting the last laugh for now as he's rigged the results and the winner is his son Brian. But the joke's on him as VFTW Golden Boy Jaydee Bixby is moving on to Branson, Missouri while Brian shakes Lukas Rossi's hand, knowing that he'll soon be just another homeless Canadian living in his car.

Canadian Worsters, what can I say. Going into this season, we hoped we could grow a bit and gain some new members but we always had our doubts. Little did we know that we'd explode in Canada, meet and fall in love with some of our most cherished contestants of all-time and have the greatest VFTW season ever. Jaydee had the greatest run of any VFTW candidate ever, and by a mile. Canadian Worsters, celebrate! Non-Canadian Worsters, you've given our once-little CI Forum credibility. We've completely taken over the scaryboard, we're choosing the songs for the Idols and we're sabotaging every scheme of this show to shove some generic pop singer down our throats. We almost pulled off the Greatest VFTW Victory Of All-Time and have exploded in size but there was one very evil force working against us...a very bald, fat, evil force. As great as this season's been, VFTW will have to re-double our efforts next year as we take the final step in completely taking over this comatose show (and country)...choosing the winner of Canadian Idol 6!

STP (smarterthanpickler)

I'd like to thank all of you for your comments, reviews and support this year. I'm not a writer and this blog started off as a joke, and basically finished as one, but it's been a blast, watching it and our Forum grow and sharing the fun with you along the way. We'll be back next year, although I'm not sure the show will be. Dave, thanks for the chance.

Look for a season retrospective coming in a few days, with the best of my blog from CI5.

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