Canadian Idol 6 Episode 2 - Auditions, Part 2 - It's Fetus Day!!!

The moment all Worsters have been anxiously awaiting for two years has arrived as we finally get to see the most mysterious VFTW legend ever The Fetus (pictured, left) sing, or at least move, like a healthy Fetus should. It's taken CTV News Anchor Lloyd Robertson 40 years to become Canada's Most Trusted Man, and he decides to flush that down the toilet with one quick yank as he gives a very feminine fake celebrity audition which has me thinking Anderson Cooper might not be the oldest gay anchorman around. And Lloyd must have known that that's what CI looks for in its male contestants as we prepare to meet one of the greatest parades of freaks, trannies and Chicks With Dicks VFTW has ever seen, but what else would you expect from mine and Montana's hometown of Montreal! And if that's not enough, we'll also be making a stop in Winnipeg, where Cher Mandael will have one final chance to prove she can sing!

Montreal

We get started in Montreal and Worsters are eyeing a crowd of thousands like hawks for a glimpse of our precious little Fetus. Montreal contestants are always a little extra delusional and Phillipe Bournival sets the tone early with his oversung, overacted, over-affected, over-EVERYTHING rendition of Alice Cooper's School's Out which makes Ben Mulroney crack Alice Cooper must be rolling in his grave, which is lame enough to make Ben's lying, corrupt father roll over in his grave. Still no sight of The Fetus but we know she's coming soon. Adam Olesewiski is next with his version of Hallelujah played on...an accordion. And he might want to consider raising his accordion a foot higher to hide his repulsive face and disgusting eyebrows. And after proving last week that America has no exclusivity on douchebags with the Pigott Brothers, Canada reinforces that point strongly with Ralph Zeidan. And next is Khuram Sher from Pakistan, who moonwalks his way through Avrl Lavigne's Complicated in his traditional garb/ManDress.

Still no Fetus. They must be saving her for last just for VFTW. Next is our first pimp piece for Melanie Ouimet, which means she a top talent and contender on the show. Either that, or she's a big fat freak whom Canadian Idol wishes to humiliate just a bit extra, as she MOOS her way through Melalicious. Next is Amberly Thiessen, who's reminding Worsters of CI5's Carly Rae Jepsen, meaning she's a fake whore who's going to bang producer John Brunton and all four judges. Either that, or people are reminded of Carly Rae as Amber misses so many notes it makes her guitar go out of tune.

We follow with a segment on Nowhere Man Ben Mulroney, who pays tribute to the Dumbest. Idol. Contestant. Ever. Clifton Murray as he declares Get ready for a brand new season of American Idol. And Jully Black can begin repaying the massive amount of money she must owe as she begins her humiliating stint as CI's roving, SCREAMING reporter. And the Montreal auditions continue with a harem of slutty dancers, helping get our minds off of Jully's gigantic nose. Next is Philippe Langellier, who says he sings Heavy Metal, Death Metal, Nu Metal, etc. And Philippe also does Fat Metal, Bald Metal and Loser Metal as he screams his way through something that sounds like he's squeezing a pineapple out of his ass. And the World gets a look at what Quebec Trailer Trash looks like as Philippe's dad comes out with his leather pants and Porno mustache.

We're getting oh so close to seeing our Fetus but first is Katherine St. Laurent, who's looking good but the judges are concerned and ask if she can speak English, to which she replies A fuck of a lot better than that dumb bitch Audrey De Montigny. What the fuck do you think, I'm retarded, like LarcAnge? Katherine sings Love Is A Battlefield and Zack must remain seated as he pops his first woodie of the season, which is almost as hard as the one Jake has on for Oliver Pigott. And now that we've gotten this little trash talker out of the way, it's now the moment we've all been waiting for as........they hide the Fetus again! FUCKERS! What are they hiding? They know we've been waiting two years. The World has demanded it. There can now be doubt that The Fetus is being hidden from the World and that she's trying to flee some horrific genetic experiment gone wrong, always lands up at CI auditions but is taken away by its creator Dr. Gagnon-Arsenault of Laval University and forever hidden from the World before VFTW can hear her sing! But at least we know she always looks like a Fetus, not just in her audition picture. And we may see her develop yet in Toronto, being mothered in a group of bitchy girls, so stay tuned as the Mystery of The Fetus continues...

Vancouver

We're off to the West Coast, which holds the promise of many suicidal emo screamo drugged trannies, like last year's Liam Piles Chang. And Shaun Francisco carries on this tradition as he's a gay, retarded John Mayer...or gayer or more retarded, anyway. And American Idol isn't the only show that can have an Australian douchebag who steals songs as James Thomas Hall is next, who gives us our own I Am Your Brother moment with his This Song Is Gonna Stick In Your Head, except we don't have Paula stumbling drunkenly around the room while he's doing it, although Sass is looking drugged out enough to be able to slightly relate to the walking trainwreck that is Paula. Next is Andrew Hennings doing Paradise By The Dashboard Light and he's as talented and good looking as Meatloaf is slim. Yet he's a pleasure compared to crooner Pat Milino, who's a show or two away from becoming Canadian Idol's first openly gay contestant, following in the footsteps of Danny Noriega and David Cook.

Den Mother Jully and her nose are back mentoring the contestants by expertly demonstrating to them how to be a loud, obnoxious attention whore. Mozhdah Whatsherface is next. She escaped from persecution in Afghanistan, probably for singing like a cow. Vincent Voskpor from Liberia is next and proudly shows that there are homosexuals in all four corners of the World. And Vincent further reinforces what Carly Smithson and Michael Johns already proved, that delusional people come from all four corners of the World too.

Winnipeg

And while we didn't get to see the Fetus, our next stop is Winnipeg, where Cher Mandael might get one final chance to prove she can sing. Ben's in LA wiping Ryan Seacrest's ass so Jully Black is covering for him, making Winnipeg's audition the loudest, most obnoxious audition EVER. Kayla Luky's up first doing Black Horse and Cherry Tree. Katharine McPhee's associated with this song, but she's also associated with bulimia, prostitution and being psychotic too. Next is Laura Gallant (I'd hit it), who isn't sure what the judges will say to her Love Is A Battlefield, but this is answered quickly as they say You Suck!. And the CI judges show their maliciousness as, despite it being obvious that Laura is NEVER going to pass an audition, they make her sing Alone anyway, just to humiliate her a little further in front of her friends, family and entire nation.

After being disappointed last week by the lack of rednecks and hicks in the class of Jaydee Bixby, all things are instantly remedied when inbreed trailer trash Katelyn Dawn walks in the room. And we meet her parents, who prove that twin brothers and sisters inbreeding creates even more deformed children than the regular non-twin inbreeds, like Jaydee. All the judges say yes except for Sass, who's afraid that Katelyn is going to monopolize the show's entire supply of hair bleach. Steven Porter's next, from a town of 2000. And that town won't be growing anytime soon as Steven Porter is NEVER going to father any children, if you know what I mean. He's mediocre and boring, meaning he too can be Canadian Idol, just like Brina Melo. And while we don't get to see Cher Mandael, we conclude with a parade of fame whores, freaks, trannies and delusional moos/Vanessa Kalala that would make Cher proud.

Tonight's show was so enlightening. We've seen that trannies come from all over the World. We've learned that delusional fame whores come in all colours, shapes and sizes. But there's one thing we didn't learn...what the Fetus sounds like. Two years in the womb and she still isn't ready to come out to VFTW. Will she be fully developed and ready for delivery on next week's Top 200 episode? Only time will tell, but first we must deal with a bunch White Bread from Ottawa, posers from Hamilton and inbred trailer trash from VFTW's favorite region The Maritimes as we're back with the final audition show tomorrow night.

STP (smarterthanpickler)

If you have anything to say, leave a comment or send me a Private Message (PM). We had two contestants post on our blog last week. Who knows what surprises VFTW will get this week!

We'll be back after tomorrow night's show.

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