Candian Idol 6 Ep. 3 - Auditions, Part 3 - Hug The Tranny

Canadian Idol's National Train Of Failure comes to a crashing halt as it reaches the end of civilization, better known as The Maritimes, in tonight's final auditions episode. But one person's Hell is VFTW's Heaven as many of our greatest picks have been plucked out of the lobster pot that is Canada's East. The show starts off with another fake audition, this time with a bunch of children playing the judges while some whale sings. And these kids have been directed well as kid Zack is being as much of a douchebag as possible, Kid Jake is convincing as a spiteful nerd and Kid Sass is acting all drugged out. But the effect is lost when Kid Ben shows a pulse and spark of personality, bearing absolutly no semblance to the real Ben at all.

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Ottawa

We begin in Ottawa, where Ben's Father told his biggest lies and made his most corrupt deals. We start with the auditoner under the most pressure ever in Cpl. Johnny Whitehead (as in zit), who is back to the minefields in Afghanistan if he fails. Zack thinks he's playing God as he holds Johnny's fate (literally) in his hands, and also takes this opportunity to thank all the Canadian soldiers who've given their lives so he can judge a cheesy karaoke show, and so VFTW can flame it. Next is Kelsi Schauerte, whose attempt to emulate Kelly Clarkson ends at her flabby arms and monstrous thighs. And now from the sublimely overweight to the sublimely delusional, next up is Lisa Closs, who won't stop singing even after Zack starts dolling himself up in a mirror, Jake blocks his ears, Sass looks drugedly into space...oh yeah, I could see how someone could not see that as anything unusual and keep singing.

Next is Celene Donnelly, who is as young and peppy as Oliver Pigott is revolting and slimy. Celene sings like a castrated mouse and Jake says her voice isn't conducive to this show. Zack says that her voice isn't conducive to keeping his breakfast down, which is a reminder that Jessica Sheppard and her puking mom are only moments away! Next is Token Male Contestant With Mom Dying Of Cancer Dan Young. And while VFTW gives its sympathies for his mother who has passed on since auditions, Dan may want to get his throat checked out after the noises he squeezes out tonight. Kristen Lankinen is a Business Grad and knows what's best for business as she's dressed like a whore. And finally, as always, CTV saves something just for VFTW as we meet Ryan Mawla, 17, who is a woman trapped in a man's body, just like Danny Noriega and Hillary Clinton. Ryan is in the middle of his transition, meaning he'd be singing with the males for Top 22 Week and with the girls for Top 18 week, just like Craig Sharpe should've. And when Ryan doesn't make it, we hear True Colors, otherwise known as the International Hug The Tranny theme song. All joking aside, Ryan's a brave kid and VFTW hopes he has a happy life and we see him again, maybe not as Ryan, but Dyan.

Hamilton

We're off to the home of last year's winner and Ben wonders if we can find another Brian Melo. While we'll be sure to see many bland singers with no future in the music industry, one has to wonder if we'll find anyone with a hate tattoo on their shaved head. And while we'll be finding no hate tattoo on Nicholas J. Gordon, we may find a vagina as he gives the most queeny performnace of Rehab a 16 year old with full beard can give. Jake thinks Nicholas' voice sounds distinctive, but so does a quiff. Next is Rufus, who only has a first name, probably because this fatso ate his last name. Barbara Griforre's husband only found out she could sing at their wedding, and if she sang the same way there as she did at her audition, that marriage has as much promise as OJ and Nicole's. Next is burnout Bill Smith, who has smoked 10 pounds of pot too many in his attempt to emulate AI7's Jason Castro. And Sarah Dillon is the first winner of the year as the judges award her Worst Singer Of The Season. And VFTW would like to award Sarah Most Delusional Bitch Of The Season, as she claims that the judges thought she was good and that her voice is too strong for the show.

Next is a pimp segment, which is always unpredictable on Canadian Idol. Last night, they used one to set up some extra-special humiliation for Melanie Ouimet, but tonight they use it to pimp triple threat Jade Padua, who sucks not only at singing but at acting and dancing too. And Jake knows a phony when he sees one and promises Jade that he's going to beat her to a pulp in Toronto, lowering her to the lowest depths of humiliation, just like Martha Joy last year. But not to the depths of our next contestant Jessica Sheppard, whose epic failure last year caused her psychotic stage mom to run away from her screaming I'm Gonna Puke. And while Jessica's mom is back to puke one more time, Jessica may want to start puking a little more herself as she's gained 100 pounds since last year's audition. And just to be sure she makes it this time, she's added another 100 pounds of screeching, melisma and phony affectations. And we conclude Hamilton with Adam Castelli, who has almost as many excuses for why he's a failure as Carly Smithson. His pussy brother got a boo boo on the construction site. Grow up...Jeff Barkman has only one ball, and you don't see him making any excuses.

The Maritimes VFTW Victory!

CTV further relents to VFTW's whims, of which we have many, as they save the best for last as we end with VFTW's favorite place in the World The Maritimes, filled with an endless supply of talentless teen girls and effeminate boys who'll stick around far longer than they should because of the Regional voting of their inbred parents and friends, like Casey Leblanc. Ben's talking about Maritime lobster but the auditions get started with Mark Day, who's more of a whale. I don't have gaydar so I wasn't sure about Mark but then, as if he can read my thoughts, he answers all questions by singing Celine Dion. Lindsay Barr's next and she's trying to pander to VFTW by singing That's Alright Mama, just like Jaydee Bixby would, and she changes my mind as she proves that tats on a girl's arms can look not bad if they're not worn by a fat disgusting horse like Carly Smithson. Mitch MacDonald's next and he looks a bit like CI1 Winner Ryan Whatshisface? He's from Cape Breton, meaning if he hasn't smoked up with Tyler Mullendore, he's surely inhaled lots of his second hand smoke.

This year's auditions end with Luke and Jock, who've made up their own song about rejected fame whores and delusional losers who failed their auditions this year. As it's far too boring and lame, I've decided to make up my own song...

VFTW loves Canadian Idol

Lots of freaks and Trannies for us to see

Fetus, Tattoos, Puking Moms and Inbreds

Montana, Joybot, Zack and Jaydee

Please feel free to continue below as coming next is what all Worsters have been waiting for...Top 200 Week, when the whining, bitching, rejection, breakdowns, excuses and back stabbings are taken to a higher level more to VFTW's standards. The entire nation will be watching and the garbage cans will be flying as CTV edits their show and will make some of this season's contestants forever loved and guaranteed of success, like VFTW all-time longest pick Jaydee Bixby, Sanjaya and Montana, or forever demonized, humiliated and doomed to failure, like Martha Joy, Carly Smithson and Blake Lewis.

STP (smarterthanpickler)

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