Canadian Idol 6, Ep. 4 - Top 200 Part 1 - Pappy J. Vagina

After sorting through 10 000 delusional fame whores, Canadian Idol has whittled this group of desperate wannabes down to the 200 who'll be whining, bitching and stabbing each other in the back for the privilege of being one of the lucky 24 who'll have the honor of being flamed by VFTW throughout the summer, before they disapear from the face of the Earth. As the opening credits roll, we see it'll be John Brunton who'll be responsible for the edits and how contestants are presented as tonight's the night when some of this season's contestants will go on to be forever loved and guaranteed of success, like Montana Martin Iles, while others will be forever vilified and doomed to failure, like Martha Joy.

Round 1

We start off by seeing all our attention whores arriving from their farms and park benches. One female contestant says none of the guys ever bring the balls, and we know that Jeff Barkman certainly won't be bringing them. We start off with Adam Castelli, who shows off his dynamic range, effortlessly stretching from mumbling to screeching. Phillipe Langelier's next and he'll do Any'Ting For Love, even sing with a French accent while being dressed like some 50-year-old biker tranny. We then see a parade of failers whose dreams have been crushed before VFTW's even had a chance to expose all their private pictures and humiliate them. But the patheticness of this parade of failures is nothing compared to Dan Young, who unfortunately once again decides to pimp his dead mom. And no disrespect intended, but Dan's voice may be more fatal to his career than any form of cancer that exists.

And the show continues with this theme of disease as we go from the cancerous to the constipated in Oliver Pigott, who has a look of severe strain on his face as he sings like he's trying to squeeze a spiked bowling ball out of his ass. Katelyn Dawn's next and is not concerned even after she fucks up 90% of her notes as she's been banging the judges for the past 6 weeks. And no contestant is heeding Jully Black's advice more than Omar Lunan as he's screaming and running around like a jackass. The daughter of VFTW's favorite psychotic puking stage mother is next and Jessica Sheppard is bringing more screeching, melisma and phony affectations in her 10 second performance than Katharine McPhee brought during the entire AI6 season. And the show uses Jessica once again as her awful dyed hair and hideous fake tan almost hide the freakiness that is multi-tattooed, multi-pierced, multi-genitaled Lindsay Barr. Vincent Vorkpor's next and unlike Lindsay he has only one set of genitals, a vagina.

We continue with Martin Kerr, who says Zack hates him. Jake says I hate you too!1!1! And VFTW hates you too Martin, as this poser mumbles and gurgles his way through Yellow. Next is Carly Campbell, who Canadian Idol has been hiding, probably in fear that she'll be hated and humiliated like other Carlys who've been on Idol, like Baby Fake Whore Carly Rae Jepson and cow Carly Smithson. And they have reason to be afraid as this self-entitled bitch sings Ain't Too Proud To Beg, nor is she too proud to prounce around the stage like a hooker in her brown boots. But I must apologize to all readers for calling all these girls whores. Of course, this is all silliness. Whores are girls who'll do anything and sell themselves to get what they want, girls like Kristene Lankinen (pictures above, servicing Brunton). She misses every note in her song but is dressed more than slutty enough to put Jake and Zack into a daze, thinking that they're allowed to give a contestant a second chance to sing a song after they've bombed.

Cpl. Jonny Whitehead's group is next and they don't do any better than the last group he was with who got blown up by a roadside bomb in Afghanistan. Lindsay Robbins is up next and is being pimped, just in case Kristen Lankinen gets an STD. But any form of herpes or gonorrhea Kristene has pales to the diseases Theo Tams has living under his armpits. But he's making every effort to keep his arms down tonight as he's sitting behind a piano. Kristene's back and she's only had time to blow Jake as he says her second song is great but Zack couldn't get it up so he says she still sucks.

Groups

VFTW's favorite moment (other than breakdowns when people are eliminated, plants being cut and finding pictures of girls sitting on toilets) is next as it's time for groups, guaranteed of more bitchiness and back stabbing than a Hillary Clinton staff meeting. And whenever groups are made, there's always an odd number of contestants who get left out, those too freaky/VFTWtastic to fit into a group, even among Canada's greatest collection of freaks and trannies, forming VFTW Dream Teams, like Montana and Derek. And we have a new VFTW Dream Team this year, VFTW fanatic Taylor Abrahamse and fabulously fierce Nicholaus J. Gordon, also known as Pappy J. Vagina.

Idols need to stand out in a group and Jully Black is expertly demonstrating how to do so by running around the hotel and being as loud and obnoxious as possible. Tetianna Ostapowyh is in bed with Oliver Pigott, proving the story true that she was called in by John Brunton to be Oliver Pigott's personal whore.

The groups have been practicing all night but now it's time for the wake up call, bringing back memories of Taylor Mullendore stumbling out of his room with his bong in his hand. Ben tells us for the first time ever, groups can be mixed gendered, and the first one is a mix of a whole bunch of genders with Martin Kerr, Shaun Francisco and Paul Clifford. We then see a parade of horrendous groups with each member trying to top each other by screaming and being as much of an attention whore as possible.

While VFTW has gotten a nice preview of the people we'll be mocking this summer, CTV has yet to truly vilify a female contestant through the magic of editing but no editing will be needed tonight as Marie-Pier Bellerose couldn't care less if her fellow group member Lisa Bell drops dead. And it must be VFTW time as this bitch edit is followed by us finally seeing Earl Stevenson, who CTV's been hiding for 6 weeks, hopefully giving enough time for his red and dilated eyes to return to normal. Pappy J. Vagina and Taylor are next and a finer VFTW pairing couldn't exist if Sanjaya and Antonella Barba formed a group, with Pappy delivering the complete VFTW package with his forgetting the words, hoop earings swinging, full beard and posing and singing like a drunk drag queen. Theo Tams' group is next and he's expending too much energy trying to keep his arms down, just like Greg Neufeld did last season trying to keep his wings from flapping.

Through the miracle of modern medicine, and CTV editing, Lisa Bell is back but the way former group member Marie-Pier Bellerose is treating her, you'd think the diagnoses was SARS. But CTV wants to see these two girls fight and Zack forces them into a Scream-Off, taking turns making each one out-screech and out-melisma the other in order to get another chance on this freakshow. We end off with Oliver's group and constipation must be contagious as his brother Sebastian, Tetianna and Mookie Norris are all making faces and sounds more strained than Chris Sligh will be making the morning after his upcoming Super Picnic in July.

And while Oliver continues to struggle squeezing all the crap out, CI has no trouble at all as it's time to cut more Idols and crush more dreams. Pat Milino will have to move on to something less cheesy than Idol, returning to his job as a gay lounge singer. But Vincent Vorkpor can continue his Gay Lounge act in front of Canada as he's safe. Canadian Idol will have to stock up on the antiperspirant as Theo Tams is safe, and they might as well stock up on the condoms at the same time as Katelyn is safe too. And Jully doesn't have to worry about not being the most obnoxious on the show anymore as RUFUS is cut. And the diagnoses is in on Dan Young's future in the music industry, and the results are: Terminal.

As always, CTV ends the show with things that interest VFTW most...trannys and bitch fights. And if you doubt that CTV panders to VFTW, how about this...Pappy and Taylor are dumbfoundedly safe! But we'll have to wait till tomorrow night to find out the fates of Marie-Pier and Lisa as CTV leaves us with a cliffhanger that'll have the entire nation buzzing in anticipation (Marie-Pier makes the Top 24. Ooops, sorry CTV. LOL VFTW Victory.)

STP (smarterthanpickler)

If you have anything to say, leave a comment or send me a private message (PM). We'll be back after tomorrow night's show, when we'll finally know which 24 contestants will be selling their souls, and musical integrity, in a final desperate attempt to be a somebody.

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