Canadian idol 6, Episode 5 - Top 24 Revealed - "Failures"

Nothing could be more humiliating than being in the Top 24 of a cheesy reality karaoke show like Canadian Idol and having to be flamed by VFTW for the entire summer, before you fade into oblivion by the Fall, forever carrying the stigma of being on this show...nothing except whoring and humiliating yourself in front of all your friends, family and entire nation only to come up short and being labeled a failure for the rest of your life. And tonight Canadian Idol sharpens its knife one last time to give the final, and deepest, cut as the search continues to find a performer who doesn't completely suck. And as CI slices away, VFTW will be here to pick up the droppings as CI6 is shaping up to be one of the finest VFTW fields ever, with all the tattoos, trannys and inbreds a Worster could desire.

The show begins by reminding us that many of the 200 who arrived in Toronto for one final attempt to make something of their lives have already had their dreams crushed(!) but there are still a lucky few who've been kept around for some extra humiliation. Marie-Pier Bellerose, who was forever labeled a bitch last night thanks to John Brunton's editing, was left hanging with her dying partner Lisa Bell. And last night's Scream-Off resolved nothing as CTV decides to keep these two around to keep fighting until they scratch each other's eyes out. Third partner Hugo, and the judges, don't know what what the hell he's doing on this show, but VFTW knows exactly what he's doing as his elimination begins a parade of failures who've been cut, crying, whining, bitching, making excuses as to why they weren't good enough to compete with the likes of Mark Day and Katherine St. Laurent.

Day 3 begins as Canadian Idol makes the remaining wannabes beg one final time to be on this sinking ship by forcing them to sing solo, where all their missed notes and attention whoring can be clearly seen and appreciated. Ben tells us the pressure and stress have never been higher but that's nothing compared to the stress he'll be feeling next September as this piece of toast has to find himself a real job. Mookie Norris is up first and the show hasn't shown him much, and with good reason as his singing is more dookie than mookie. Omar was told he needs to whore more for attention so he does what the finest attention whores, like Dan Young, do...pimp a dead relative. The Pigott Brothers, on the other hand, will never be short on emotion as they're so full of shit, they'll have plenty of pain to bring to their constipated faces and bodies all summer. Whore Kristine Lankinen was finally able to finish off Zack as she gets her second chance to prove she can't sing. Vincent Vorkpor is next and he's picking up the gender transition where Ryan Mawla left off last week. Next, we meet this year's Garrett Haley in Rami Omurura, who's being better hidden than the tards Jaydee Bixby womanized last year. Jade Padua's next and she's bringing the triple threat as she's sucking, blowing and puking. But Mitch MacDonald's loving it as these freaks are making his singing almost tolerable, and Mitch is also looking like a rocket scientist as lump head Drew Wright follows.

The remaining contestants are really nervous now, perhaps because they know CTV is going into a segment of failures featuring forgotten lyrics, missed notes and horrible singing as one contestant after another blows their one chance in life to be a singer by not being able to sing a fucking song. Katelyn Dawn has forgotten her lyrics, and who has time to learn words when you're busy banging the show's producers. Earl Stevenson's not only forgotten his words, he's also forgotten what show (or planet) he's on. And Pappy J was so busy selecting out his hoop earrings and coiffing his vagina, he forgot the small detail of learning his song. And Katherine St. Laurent is bringing the Brooke White as she starts, then stops the entire show, then starts again, but she adds a Quebec twist just like this all-time loser from Quebec (VFTW Victory!) as she still fucks up after starting again. Adam Castelli tells us he's Going to do The Umbrella, which he fucks up withen 2 seconds, jumping right to the chorus, giving us 10 minutes of him screaming 'Ella, 'Ella.

Tetiana Ostapowych is next and nobody understands what an epic failure getting cut now would be as this was where she was dumped on AI7 earlier this year. Gary Morisette auditioned online and after tolerating porn, bomb making instructions and the American Idol board for years, there's only so much one can take and it's time to shut down the internet so we never have to hear or see people as hideous as Gary again. And now it's time for everyone to satisfy their gay chubby fetish (admit it, you have one) as Mark Day makes his final case to be VFTW's first pick, and he might as well be a hot naked girl sporting a pony hawk sitting on a toilet with his giggling about taking his first taxi ride, mega-chubbarama-gay performance and this picture. And after seeing last night that Carly Campbell is as much of a bitch as all Carlys on Idol, we discover tonight that she shares another endearing quality with Carly Smithson, a tendency to scream and overdo it until my head explodes. Jesse Cottam still thinks he's auditioning for The Goo Goo Dolls, but he's still a few months away from looking haggard enough. Amberly Thiessen better get ready for her late-night meetings with Brunton as for some reason he decides not to include her in the earlier parade of losers despite her forgetting 90% of her lyrics. Paul Clifford's next and it's three strikes, you're out as he's boring for the third time. Shaun Francisco is last and has been desperately asking what he can do to be interesting, and he's decided that tying to look like David Cook is the ticket. All he needs to do is go bald, gain 100 pounds and bang some whore and he's there, as he already sings like a goat.

And now, it's the moment CTV desperately tried to keep secret, and VFTW gleefully spoiled, as it's time to find out which 24 contestants VFTW will be flaming and corresponding with this summer. And, despite VFTW knowing better, Ben's lying like his father as he keeps telling us it's a Top 22, not 24. And after getting Jaydee Bixby all the way to the finals last year and having the Longest VFTW-Run EVER!, CTV relents to our power by telling our pick-in-waiting Mark Day that he's giggled himself all the way to the Top 24! And to emphasize Mark's fabulousness, CTV follows this with a parade of failures who'll all be heading back to their farms and park benches, never to be heard from again, or at least not till these desperate fame whores can try out again next year. Joe Nolan is told he's not ready, but that didn't stop Sanjaya or Brandon Jones. However, Mookie Norris is ready...to be flamed! Earl Stevenson and Cape Breton's Mitch MacDonald are paired and both make it, prompting Earl to immediately ask Mitch if he knows Tyler Mullendore and if he could score him some good weed while they're on the show. Canadian Idol's looking for balance so it contrasts the screaming whines of Mookie, Earl and Mitch with the screaming melisma of Omar Lunan. Nicole Scott won't be in the Top 24, prompting the question Who the fuck is Nicole Scott? And CI has Chicks With Dicks only in odd-numbered seasons as Charlie Charland will have to wait till next year. And Kristine Lankinen's slutting herself up and forever being labeled as a whore has bought her 20 seconds on a dying reality show as CI's done with her. CTV thinks it needs to pander to Quebec by putting fodder Katherine St. Laurent through, except no one in Quebec is dumb enough to watch this show. And just as I'm fearing this show wasn't going to be slutty enough with Kristine being cut, all my fears are alleviated as Amberly and Katelyn make the Top 24. Lindsay Robins will be around to endear herself to people in New Brunswick and Saskatchewan with her piercings and tattoos. And Martin Kerr may have to tattoo some eyebrows on his head as he'll be sticking around.

The desperation knob is now turned up...way up...as Tetiana's next, who knows that after failing on American Idol, this will be her final chance to be something in life, at least until Ukrainian Idol starts in July. And that may seem like paradise as Tetianna makes it, meaning that her and VFTW are going to become very, very close friends this summer, I can just tell ;)

Enemies Marie-Pier and Lisa are safe and CTV will take every opportunity to pair them, just like they did Montana and Martha, hoping for these two to beat each other to death. But that bitching is nothing compared to what we've seen from Adam Castelli this week, and he still can't shut the fuck up, even after making the Top 24. VFTW Dream Team Pappy J. Gordon and Taylor Abrahamse are next and while their VFTW fairy tale ends tonight, they can now ride off into the sunset and live in wedded bliss and have beautiful VFTW babies, which'll come out of Pappy J's vagina. And Gary Morrisette is moving from the net to TV, hoping to become the next Chris Crocker.

Vincent Vorkpor's next and he's told he isn't right for this show, and he isn't right for his genitals either. The Pigotts make the cut and will now get to work with CTV's staff of proctologists so they can finally take a shit and get those constipated looks off their faces and out of those poser stances. Lindsay Barr makes it and she'll be there if Mark Day wants his nipples pierced. Jade and Carly can have their own Scream-Off just like Marie-Pier and Lisa, except it'll have to be in the back alley as they're both cut. Drew Wright is the twenty-second contestant to make it and despite VFTW blowing CTV's cover weeks ago, Ben keeps on lying, saying That's it! But CTV's gone VFTW as they save the biggest fame whores for last, Paul Clifford and Jessica Sheppard. These two know about failure more than anyone and CTV's getting the barf bags ready as they act as if they're setting them up for one final humiliation. But surprise, surprise...NOT!...Jessica and her little troll Paul make it into the Top 24, but they'll be longing for the days when they were cut after VFTW's done with them.

VFTW exploded in Canada last year and as a reward, CTV has given us an extra 2 contestants to flame. But no gift is bigger than Mark Day, who's one of the all time VFTW-ready candidates ever. But don't jump too fast, as there may be hidden turds under the sinking ship Canadian Idol. Performances and voting starts this Monday and while no one on the show has any clue how the show wil be formatted, how they'll group people or how they'll get Tetiana out of Oliver's bed, VFTW rests easy as we prepare to select one special fame whore from this VFTW Pot-O-Gold as we get ready to take our power, money and resources gained last year up another level from when we got Jaydee to the finals, chose the songs for the Idols and controlled the Scaryboard, to this time completely taking over the show and choosing the next Canadian Idol!

STP (smarterthanpickler)

If you have anything to say, leave a comment or send me a PM. Power Voting for our pick starts next Monday, so come by to find out which lucky contestant will be our pick immediately after the show.

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