Canadian Idol 6, Ep. 6-Top 24, Part 1 - Oliver Pigott Lays A Big, Fat, Smelly Turd

All of the trannies (Pappy J Gordon), Moos (Vanessa Kalala) and cancer whores (Dan Young) are gone as it's time for our Top 24 to get the individual attention needed for VFTW to properly flame and humiliate them. Ben tells us there's more boys than girls but he's bringing all the needed estrogen and then some with his bright pink short, hideous fake tan and oh-so-greasy pompadour. Band leader Orin Isaacs is back, promising not to intentionally sabotage the contestants like his American counterpart, Rickey Minor. Jake has lost a lot of weight and time will tell how much fat effects one being an asshole.
The show may think they're giving Lindsay Barr the kiss of death by giving her the dreaded first spot but they're unintentionally giving VFTW the kiss of life as our favorite show starts off with a VFTW performance that immediately matches any turd layed during the entire season of AI7. She's trying to pander to VFTW by doing Elvis, just like Jaydee, but what's just as appealing is her horrendous voice combined with her hideous arrangement. Zack tells her it's a shining example of exactly what not to do, but let me assure Lindsay that her performance was a shining example of exactly what to do if you want to gain the incredible power, money and resources VFTW gained in Canada last year.
Ben points out that our next performer, Martin Kerr, has a different accent than us. He also has a different vocabulary, Ben; over here, we call you two douchebags; over there, they call you smelly c*nts. One would think Martin would sound decent compared to Lindsay's performance, but one would be wrong as he lays a turd almost as smelly as Lindsay's. But that turd looks a lot better than Martin with his patchy red hair, no eyebrows, pencil neck, sunken face and hideous 'teef. The only time he sounded decent was when he started talking with a fake Canadian accent and sprouting Canadian cliches, like I ate at Tim Horton's this morning, I play hockey, I smoked up with Tyler Mullendore, I was in a three-way with Carly Rae Jepson and a beaver, etc.

The most repulsive thing to come off the net since 2girls1cup is next as it's time for Gary Moirsette. He usually wears a hat but takes it off once in a while, unlike Brian Melo, to show us he doesn't have a hate tattoo on his head. But I may be getting a hate tattoo on my head for Gary as he gives a a horrendous version of Good Golly Miss Molly. Jake tells him he's more than that, as Gary didn't bring any of his usual yelling to go with his screaming. And then we have the gayest moment ever since David Cook and Archuleta performed a duet together as Ben tells the nation him and Gary are lovers and gives a him a hug long enough to make Jaydee and his sister lock lips a little longer in order to keep up.

One of the things we love about Canadian Idol is that it's generally a bit less desperate than its American counterpart, but that's all destroyed as Tetiana Ostapowych is next. After failing to get to this point on AI7 earlier this year, she's determined to do anything to make it on this show, even sleep with a Pigott. She tells us she's a cruise ship singer, and that ship picked her up in LA when she failed on AI7 and has dumped her off in Toronto, before setting sail to Russia next week. Tetiana doesn't want to be a cruise ship singer so, being the masochistic bitch she is, she does a version of Feelings that's more Titanic than cruise ship. Tetiana's glad she trusted herself. Zack knows that when you trust yourself, sometimes It's right, sometimes you get Feelings. But what Tetiana must stop trusting is the person bleaching her hair as her black roots are especially radiant on my HDTV.

There's always one contestant so bland, so milquetoast, so white, that they give me nothing to write about in my blog, and Mitch MacDonald is this year's Nothing Man, with his striking resemblance to CI1 Winner Ryan Whatshisface?, memorable renditions of, ummmmm, etc. I actually had some hope for Mitch through the auditions. And that's why I don't make the picks around here, as Mitch finally does something memorable...lay a turd whose smell will linger for a long time.

Paul Clifford is next and he's obviously reading here as he knows we're calling him fat, so he's advisedly cut his hair short. Problem is, we can now see his freakish forehead. He's doing Broken by Seether and he's really getting into it as his voice is completely broken. Sass is wondering if Paul is holding back, but VFTW isn't wondering why he was kicked off this show twice before.

Earl Stevenson is next and he has as much energy in his interview as a bag of weed. He's stoked to be doing his Dave Matthews meets, or more like smashes into, Kramer version of All Along The Watchtower. Earl's doing fine and he's wisely bolted himself to a chair and his guitar as one big twitch could send him flying off the stage. No doubt Earl's done this song a million times and he's far too decent to be VFTW's pick at this point but rest easy, Earl fans, as Standards and disco week beckons, promising all the forgotten words and spaced out antics a Worster could desire.

Lisa Bell has recovered from her disease but must still be watching behind her for Marie-Pier to stab her in the back as she's way off on her performance of Long Train Coming. And if she's feeling the heat from Marie-Pier, Jessica Shepepard must be feeling the heat now as she'll have a hard time tomorrow night matching Lisa's screeching and melisma. Lisa said in her interview that she loves to laugh, and VFTW hopes she get's a good laugh as we flame her for being the first contestant voted off the show this year.

Two of this year's more hidden contestants are next in Mookie Norris and Drew Wright. Sometimes the show is able to obscure lesser talents (Sanjaya, Blake), during auditions but the curtains of crap are now ripped off for all of VFTW to appreciate. Mookie's doing Twist And Shout and he gets full marks on the Shout part, but the only Twist would be him surviving after that atrociously amateur performance. Drew Wright's doing Under Pressure and needs to get more in the mood. I know...he should've been thinking about the pressure he'll be feeling Wednesday night when he's standing in the middle of the stage, part of the bottom three.

Unfortunately, one person difficult to forget is Oliver Pigott, who's ass has been licked since he's walked in the door. Brunton has even gotten him his own personal Russian whore in Tetiana and put his inbred brother through. But Oliver is the most resentful Idol since Blake Lewis as he repays the show by giving ONE OF THE MOST HIDEOUS PERFORMANCES EVER ON CANADIAN IDOL, and that's a mouthful. As we all know, Oliver's been suffering from the worst case of constipation ever, as has been apparent on his face and in his singing so far. But he can't take it anymore and he's determined to get all the crap out as he's hopping around, thrusting his pelvis, squeezing as hard as he could until...he squeezes it all out in the form of a song.

Canadian Idol knows that being from Quebec is the kiss of death so in a desperately transparent act, they've given Katherine St. Laurent the pimp spot. I'd give her voice a 5, which is 5 marks higher than Oliver. I'd give her stage presence a three, which is three marks higher than Oliver. And I'd give her overall look a 6, which is 5000 marks higher than Oliver. Katherine's barely hanging on as she's bravely doing Total Eclipse Of The Heart but the song is a Total Eclipse Of Her Singing Range.

Life presents so many challenges...work, bills, family, David Cook fans, Iraq...but one challenge it does not present is coming up with VFTW candidates on Canadian Idol. We struggled at times as American Idol tried, and failed, to VFTW-proof its show but the only struggle we have now will be sludging through this pile of crap to find one VFTW golden nugget. And it may be a giggling chubby nugget, as we'll have to wait till tomorrow night to see probable VFTW Choice-In-Waiting Mark Day but there could be no better warm up than the VFTW-Glory that was Lindsay Barr and Oliver Piggott tonight. We're supporting Lindsay tonight and if she miraculously survives it'll be solely because of us after getting the first death spot, matched only by the deadliness of her performance. But VFTW will have to see all of our Idols paraded in front of Canada, and attacked by the judges, before we make our official pick immediately after tomorrow night's show.

STP (smarterthanpickler)

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