Canadian Idol 6- Final Results - "Mariah's Boobs, Jacob's Ass and Theo's Thing"

The road to crowning a Canadian Idol is a lot like cleaning a cesspool; keep removing all the crap till there’s none left. And no one can clean a cesspool like CI. First, they drain the fattest turds at the bottom, like Vanessa Kalala and Jessica Sheppard, and the trannies, like Ryan Mawla and Pappy J. Gordon. Then Canada takes care of removing all the women and minority contestants, until we are left with the two best contestants. But VFTW has thrown a big fat whiney wrench into that equation, as one giant smelly turd still remains as Mitch MacDonald is on the precipice of the greatest Canadian VFTW Victory ever!

Ben tells us our Top 10 is back but one thing that will never be back is any sign of life from this stiff. Adam Castelli already has all his bitchy excuses ready as to why he sucks so much tonight. Sebastian Pigott’s given up singing and is moving around in severe pain, probably from the kick in the nuts Zack gave him for threatening him. But Amberly won’t be moving around too much as she’s still healing from being the only girl in the house for two months with 7 males. But one person who didn’t cause her any harm is Mark Day, whose shout-out to VFTW by wearing a grape-colored shirt and looking like a giant Newfie grape is only topped by the return of Dancing Mark! Earl’s back and the whole crew’s smiling as they had no one supplying them weed since he was eliminated. Katharine St. Laurent took the judges advice and whored herself up but she has gone way too far and is on the verge of becoming 1% as slutty as Carly Rae Jepson. It would’ve been nice to hear Katharine sing in a foreign language, like Mookie Morris is tonight. And now I hear a whiney din, meaning it’s VFTW time as Mitch MacDonald is up. And after having the judges infer that Theo is gay all season, the musical director has last dibs by giving him an Elton John song. I assume that’s it for this performance with Theo and Mitch but then some hairy little troll comes onto the stage who sounds like he crawled out of David Cook’s ass.

Zack thinks he’s had a great year and we think his full conversion to VFTW was handled remarkably smoothly. By the way, what do Zack and the Pope have in common?…They both get none. We get a retro of the early auditions of all the fugly, disgusting, offensive people, and this segues perfectly to our first guest, Jacob Hoggard. Jacob has gotten so bloated that he can’t even pull down his pants to show us his ass. Instead, we’ll just have to settle for him looking like one.

VFTW Banner Boy Mitch is then hooked up to his hometown of Port Hood, where they closed the liquor stores three weeks ago in the hope that there would be couple of locals sober enough to make it tonight. Time to turn the volume WAY down as we get a retro of the loudest thing to come along since the atom bomb, Jully Black. And it’s time for her to get paid for her time on the show as she gets to perform, and being around the likes of Sebastian Pigott, Mark Day and Mitch MacDonald for three months isn’t helping her singing, and it’s also completely destroyed any sense of fashion she has. Theo is hooked up to Lethbridge, which used to be called Lessbridge but has officially changed its name for him.

We get a retro of all the musical mentors who’ll serve as an example to the rest of the industry of what a death knell appearing on Canadian Idol is. Tom Jones taught our Idols how to stuff their pants and avoid paternity suits from fraus. And our Idols now all have PhDs in posing as Gavin Rosdale showed them how to properly adjust their wallet chains while Simple Plan showed that even the nerds now have piercings and tattoos. Bryan Adams and Anne Murray know each other and split things up, with Bryan giving the boys tips on covering up pockmarks while Anne advised Amberly and Katharine on the changes that come with menopause.

John Legend is our next guest and he either completely sucks or is still grossed out from standing next to Jordin Sparks at the VMAs just a couple of days ago. We then find out something about the upcoming Canadian version of SYTYCD…it’s going to have the most obnoxious host ever, Leah Miller.

Some people have complained in the past that my blog is too hateful. Well, it’s time for some love as it’s time to talk about Mariah Carey’s boobies. It looks like she has her hands on her hips, but then I realize that’s her natural position as her inflated blimps are preventing her arms from getting any closer to her body. Mariah chose not to mentor our Idols, as she couldn’t care less if they and their entire families dropped dead, but not all is lost as she gives a master class in screeching, falshito and melisma in 5 minutes that will be ringing in our Idols’ ears for years to come.

That's it for all the major guests and CTV has only one hour to get in all its filler, exploitation and pathetic pandering. They do some thing where Farley and Ben go to Malawi and adopt a baby from Madonna or something. This then turns into some bizarre Canadian Idol Gives Head bit, which also doubles as a VFTW Hall Of Fame performance. Mookie’s capturing it as he’s mumbling like someone who hasn’t eaten in two weeks. Drew believes the answer to hunger is more goats, as he’s not only bringing the goat vibrato, he’s also bringing the goat face. But Mark knows the true answer is to be fabulous and DANCE! as he’s killing me even when singing about starvation in Africa.

Canadian Idol of course has the tradition of always bringing back last year’s winner. And a new tradition has started as these performances have been the last time we’ve ever seen any of these flops on TV, and now it’s Brina Melo’s turn. Seeing Brina again reminds us how Drew Wright is just another version of him, fully vindicating CTV’s decision to flush Drew last week. Brina, of course, is wearing a hat but has promised to take it off and show the hate tattoo on his head after McCain and Palin are elected.

Time for our Idols to do a tribute to places even more decrepit and run down than Africa, their redneck hometowns. It’s time for Theo’s retro and I’ll never be able to watch more than one second of anything on him as long as they keep starting off with his vile pit stains. Theo didn’t play piano at his audition so the judges only got 19 instead of 20 weeks of seeing Theo humping his piano. And while it remains to be seen if Theo wins Canadian Idol, it would be a perfect time for Carly Rae Jepson to come on the stage and hand over the crown to him for most weight gained during a season.

Put away all your precious glass as it’s now time for a retro on Mitch. Sass says he looks like Howdy Doody, and I say he sounds like Smelly Doody. Jake thinks picking obscure songs was a good strategy for Mitch as no one can remember any of the songs he fucked up. And Zack has become as much of a VFTW militant as the best as he’s going to pimp Mitch, even if it’s as transparent as any respect anyone shows towards Jake Gold. And now I’m feeling very sentimental as it’s time for the final 2 duet, harkening memories of some of the most tender Vote For The Worst moments ever, from Rex and Melissa’s hyena singing to a whale to Jaydee and Brina exchanging wedding vows last year. And while this may be one final chance for the tards and frau to see their favorites, it’s also one last opportunity for VFTW to pat itself on the back for getting one of the weakest contestants ever through for so many weeks.

It’s results time, and I’m almost as excited as when I found out today that I could get mashed potatoes instead of fries with my hot chicken sandwich. After having ONLY TWO PICKS this year, it scares the fuck out of me how powerful VFTW is in Canada as we are considered a fact of life here as we get our picks through month after month. There’s no doubt we got more votes out for Mitch than anyone did for Theo. There’s just one problem…EVERYONE IN NEW BRUNSWICK WAS PASSED OUT DRUNK DURING VOTING, and VFTW is robbed once again as Theo Tams wins Canadian Idol, through the backdoor. And while you come up with your own jokes to make after that, Theo’s going to sing his new single Thing. Theo did really well this year and we’ll see what type of songs he can come up with before he’s off for his first concert in Thathatchewan.

Another season of Canadian Idol, another massive VFTW Victory! Having only two picks is something we’ve never even thought about but our power has gotten scary. Mark Day was one of the greatest VFTW picks ever as he shook his Cod Cheeks and opened VFTW up to the world of Gay Chubby Dating. Mitch MacDonald released enough helium from his mouth to blow up one million VFTW balloons. Tards are converting to VFTW. Judges are converting to VFTW. All we need is a candidate whose hometown isn’t passed out drunk on their floors by 7 to help us next year get our pick over the top and pull off the greatest Canadian VFTW Victory ever!

STP (smarterthanpickler)

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Signatures SUCK!