Before we get to what we really want to talk about, we would like to revisit this week’s performances. Actually, “performances” is quite a bit of an overstatement, so we have elected to refer to the last show as ‘The Tuesday Night Massacre’.

Never before in the history of American Idol have the each of the contestants done their part to completely butcher the entire night’s music. Until last Tuesday, that is. Never before in the history of American Idol has a single contestant (Jacuzzi Ooozi) prompted a, “eh, he was OK”, while the rest prompted, “oh my God! My ears! They're bleeding!” Until last Tuesday, that is. We don’t have complete records, but we’re pretty sure that last Tuesday was even the first time that Paula was at a loss to find some blathering nicety to say to a contestant.

The moons that produce the show were even dumb enough to remind us that the songwriting duo of Lennon and McCartney were possibly the most successful pair EVER, and that they continue to influence music to this day. Here’s a thought: perhaps they were so successful because they had THE BEATLES singing the majority of their music instead of a bunch of hack singers on a ‘reality’ show. Maybe the songs they wrote were so successful because the way they were arranged (and released) was already close to perfect – thus they didn’t need rearranging by a group of no-talent wannabes on an American television show. Damn you MICHAEL JACKSON for selling use of these songs just so you can make a mortgage payment on Pedophileland.

You know, screw what we were really going to write about. We can save our “Behind the Scenes at a Casting Call” for another time. We'll just continue this Steve and Dave rant.

Can you imagine what would have happened back in the early ‘60s if this conversation had happened?

JOHN LENNON: You know, Paul, I think the line should go something like, “It’s my loving that I will give to you…”

PAUL McCARTNEY: That’s good – but how about we change it a little to, “All my loving, I will give to you…”

AMANDA OVERMYER: What? You’re both wrong. You need to speed up the tempo, scream the lyrics, and change the line to, “All my loving chile, I will give to you…”

RINGO STARR: Guys, I have this idea for a song, it's called “Back Off Boogaloo”. You'll love it. Can we add this one to “With The Beatles”?

It is incomprehensible to us why this (supposedly) “most talented cast ever” {Kyle’s mother’s voice}WHAT WHAT WHAAA!??{/Kyle's mother's voice} thought that they could do better than the original. Here’s another conversation. Imagine what would have happened if this one had come to pass:

PAUL McCARTNEY: George, I really think I’d like to have the whole band in on ‘Yesterday’ instead of just me.

GEORGE MARTIN: Paul, I really believe that just you at a piano with a string section behind you will make this song a big hit.

KRISTY LEE COOK: Ha! A lot YOU two know. What this song needs is a fake twang in your voice and some steel guitars. Come on guys, let’s ‘country’ it up a bit!

RINGO STARR: OK then, how about this one? I call it Snookeroo. I got Elton and Robby Robertson to help me. Get it? “Help”? Guys?

Here’s another conversation that (thankfully) never occurred:

PAUL McCARTNEY: John, I'm having a little trouble with this one. I've got “When the night is dreary, there is still a light that glows on me.”

JOHN LENNON: Try “cloudy” and “shines” mate, otherwise it's brilliant as always.

BROOKE WHITE: Boo-hoo. Sniff. Whaaaaa!

RINGO STARR: Klaatu Barada Nikto.

Quite frankly, we’re appalled. The Beatles would never have made it out of Liverpool if this crop of AI contestants had been around. We don’t think we can take another week of this kind of butchery. Steve spent most of Wednesday with a bottle of Tums close at hand (to help settle his still-churning stomach), and Dave spent the day listening to the REAL Beatles on his I-Pod. (FWIW, he IS a huge Beatles fan. 6’3” and 240 lbs. Now that’s huge.)

We don’t suppose that there is any way that next week we could eliminate the bottom 10 and get this season over with, is there?

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