STP's Canadian Idol Freakshow
Canadian Idol 6-Top 10, David Bowie Week- "VFTW's Dancing In The Streets!"
We started with thousands of fame whores, where we met moos like Vanessa Kalala and trannys like Ryan Mawla. It then got narrowed to 200 wannabes, where we met cancer whore Dan Young, while Taylor Abrahamse saw his first vagina, that of partner Pappy J. Gordon. And then we narrowed it down to 24, when Oliver Pigott went three weeks without being able to squeeze out a turd, all the while Mark Day was ripening into one of the finest Giant Grapes VFTW has ever seen. But the garbage is gradually being swept to the curb as we get to see for the first time the special ten Canadians who get to prove they belong on today’s charts by doing 90 second versions of Paul Anka and Queen songs, all while being ripped apart by the judges (and VFTW!) for the next two months.
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Canadian Idol 6, Top 16 (Part 1) - "Theme: Bore Me To Death"
VFTW’s favorite show is back and we’re giddy in anticipation as we await an unprecedented slaughter as six fame whores will have their dreams crushed this week. And Canadian Idol’s ready to shift modes, from freakish to boring, as this is the week VFTW’s favorite contestants always get cut. But VFTW has teamed up with Newfoundland and Chubarama as we all await a performance, or perhaps a song choice, from Mark Day that screams I Love VFTW!
Ben’s back and he’s wearing a grape-colored hankie in honor of VFTW’s Giant Grape Mark. It’s music to my ears as he says there are only eight performances tonight but who can trust Ben after lying to us like his father that there was a Top 22. He tells us we’ll be meeting the special ten this Wednesday who'll have the honor of getting all of VFTW’s individual attention for the next two months. Farley says the cream is rising to the top, but it’ll sink back to the bottom as these Idols will become obese on Kraft Dinner. Jake says that the Idols need to give that performance that’ll make people vote, so Mark better be ready to Dance! Dance! Dance!
Canadian Idol Six, Top 20 (Part 2) - "Theme - Pathetic Sob Stories"
It’s Canada Day and we’re back to celebrate in true VFTW-style with ten of the worst Canada has to offer. Ben tells us that after tonight it’s Canada who’ll be deciding who will be staying and who’ll be going, and VFTW’s decided that Mark Day will be staying as we poured all of our mighty, and sometimes scary, resources behind him last night. So VFTW can sit back and relax and fully wallow in the train wreck that is Canadian Idol. But it’s the Idols who’ll be wallowing as tonight’s theme is Pathetic Sob Stories as each Idol tries to win our votes by telling us of some childhood deformity or dragging a dead relative’s corpse up onto the stage.
Canadian Idol 6, Top 20 (Part 1) - Mark Day Is A Giant Chubby Newfie Grape!
While July 1 is Canada Day, the next three months at VFTW will be Mark Day, and what a chubby Newfie day it’ll be as VFTW’s favorite show is back. We get one final glimpse of the four who were humiliatingly cut last week, or at least a final look until we see them serving gas to us next week. Ben introduces the judges as The Four Horseman Of The Apocalypse, but Ben looks more like a horse’s ass with his Don Johnson get-up, complete with fake tan.
Canadian Idol 6, Ep. 6-Top 24, Part 1 - Oliver Pigott Lays A Big, Fat, Smelly Turd
All of the trannies (Pappy J Gordon), Moos (Vanessa Kalala) and cancer whores (Dan Young) are gone as it's time for our Top 24 to get the individual attention needed for VFTW to properly flame and humiliate them. Ben tells us there's more boys than girls but he's bringing all the needed estrogen and then some with his bright pink short, hideous fake tan and oh-so-greasy pompadour. Band leader Orin Isaacs is back, promising not to intentionally sabotage the contestants like his American counterpart, Rickey Minor. Jake has lost a lot of weight and time will tell how much fat effects one being an asshole.
The show may think they're giving Lindsay Barr the kiss of death by giving her the dreaded first spot but they're unintentionally giving VFTW the kiss of life as our favorite show starts off with a VFTW performance that immediately matches any turd layed during the entire season of AI7. She's trying to pander to VFTW by doing Elvis, just like Jaydee, but what's just as appealing is her horrendous voice combined with her hideous arrangement. Zack tells her it's a shining example of exactly what not to do, but let me assure Lindsay that her performance was a shining example of exactly what to do if you want to gain the incredible power, money and resources VFTW gained in Canada last year.
Canadian idol 6, Episode 5 - Top 24 Revealed - "Failures"
Nothing could be more humiliating than being in the Top 24 of a cheesy reality karaoke show like Canadian Idol and having to be flamed by VFTW for the entire summer, before you fade into oblivion by the Fall, forever carrying the stigma of being on this show...nothing except whoring and humiliating yourself in front of all your friends, family and entire nation only to come up short and being labeled a failure for the rest of your life. And tonight Canadian Idol sharpens its knife one last time to give the final, and deepest, cut as the search continues to find a performer who doesn't completely suck. And as CI slices away, VFTW will be here to pick up the droppings as CI6 is shaping up to be one of the finest VFTW fields ever, with all the tattoos, trannys and inbreds a Worster could desire.
Canadian Idol 6, Ep. 4 - Top 200 Part 1 - Pappy J. Vagina
After sorting through 10 000 delusional fame whores, Canadian Idol has whittled this group of desperate wannabes down to the 200 who'll be whining, bitching and stabbing each other in the back for the privilege of being one of the lucky 24 who'll have the honor of being flamed by VFTW throughout the summer, before they disapear from the face of the Earth. As the opening credits roll, we see it'll be John Brunton who'll be responsible for the edits and how contestants are presented as tonight's the night when some of this season's contestants will go on to be forever loved and guaranteed of success, like Montana Martin Iles, while others will be forever vilified and doomed to failure, like Martha Joy.
Candian Idol 6 Ep. 3 - Auditions, Part 3 - Hug The Tranny
Canadian Idol's National Train Of Failure comes to a crashing halt as it reaches the end of civilization, better known as The Maritimes, in tonight's final auditions episode. But one person's Hell is VFTW's Heaven as many of our greatest picks have been plucked out of the lobster pot that is Canada's East. The show starts off with another fake audition, this time with a bunch of children playing the judges while some whale sings. And these kids have been directed well as kid Zack is being as much of a douchebag as possible, Kid Jake is convincing as a spiteful nerd and Kid Sass is acting all drugged out. But the effect is lost when Kid Ben shows a pulse and spark of personality, bearing absolutly no semblance to the real Ben at all.
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