Top 6: Doolittle In the Middle, Cause Idol's Got Back

This week, Idol gives back. But not the dirty kind of back. Sir Mix a Lot has that covered. And not sexy back. Justin Timberlake is in that corner. And not back boobs, because Lakisha wore a better fitting outfit this week. No, the sponsors of Idol are donating a lot of money to the show they already pay a lot of money for advertising. And hey, it’s a great cause, because helping fight poverty in America and Africa should definitely be commended. But Idol isn’t getting a “get out of jail free card” from my mockery just because they’re donating money. The show tonight was filled with cheese, cheese, and more cheese in the form of “inspiring performances.” I was inspired to take multiple bathroom breaks. It helped ease the pain of listening to overdone songs. And the line of the night came from Ryan Seacrest, who came up behind Simon and said, “I like seeing this side of you.” Followed by Simon bending Ryan over and “giving back.” Boys will be boys.

First up is Chris “Timberfake” Richardson, singing his off key rendition of Change the World. The melisma is super annoying this weak, and he keeps assuming the position where he’s about to take a crap. But instead of it coming out of his butt, it comes out of his mouth in the form of “music”. Also, this is not an inspiring song about world issues, it’s a love song. The title may make you think that this is an inspiring song, but because Chris and the producers are not smart enough to get past the title, they never actually listened to the lyrics. It’s all good though, because he delivers a VFTW victory performance. The judges cream themselves for absolutely no reason. Simon refers to the performance as “sexy.” I refer to Simon as “unable to dress himself in clothes that don’t show off his manboobs.” If Simon thinks that he himself is sexy, I can understand why he thought this vocal diarrhea was also hot.

Melinda Doolittle performs There Will Come a Day in the second position. Keeping with her theme of singing songs that no one has heard of or singing songs that are too old for the tweenies to know, Melinda belts out an obscure Faith Hill number. It’s actually an outstanding vocal, but then again, when does Shrek not have an outstanding vocal? Melinda really can’t surprise me… unless one day she comes out to perform and has a neck. Paula tells Melinda that there’s no one like her… except for the ten million other background vocalists who sing R&B music in the same exact style. But why should that matter? Simon calls it a vocal master class.

Blake Lewis wants us to Imagine him winning American Idol. But instead, I am weirded out by how strange he looks. From far away every week, I think, “That Blake Lewis seems kind of attractive.” Then we get a close-up on his weird face, gigantic nose, and lack of mouth, and I scream out loud in terror. Why must you show us the close-ups, cameramen? Seriously. Blake would get many more votes if you used only wide angles. It would also make him look taller, which he desperately needs. In close-up mode, I can see Blake’s lack of teeth as he sings out the side of his mouth, which makes him look even creepier and older. And finally his fake British accent actually works with the theme this week, but it still sounds ridiculous. The judges felt his sincerity. It was an ok performance, but I can’t get past the creepy close-ups.

LaKliche Jones decides to dig herself even deeper into the hole of Bottom Threeness by singing another former Idol winner’s song, Fantasia’s I Believe. You would think LaKisha’s only exposure to music was American Idol. She starts off singing pretty poorly, and then starts shouting as always. The judges take her to task for screaming the song, which she’s been doing the entire competition. Why they suddenly noticed this last week is beyond me, but at least Paula sobered up for a minute or so to notice. Many people thought we should vote for LaKisha as the VFTW pick. While I understand where they’re coming from, the only thing LaKisha would do right now is make Idol’s catering bill extra high for another week. With Phil and Chris in the competition, LaKisha remains the 3^rd worst.

Phil Stacey decides to sing The Change by Garth Brooks. I have to hand it to him, he’s really playing the audience for votes now. First he mentions his kids, he does a military salute before the commercial break, and he suddenly decides he is a country singer because he wants to gain all of the precious votes from the South. You smart vampire, you. The raspiness in his voice is very prevalent, probably because he’s killing his voice with glory notes every week. Or the blood supply was low in his latest victims. Either way, his voice sounds like it’s getting ready to go, which could yield some great results next week if he sticks around. He doesn’t let us down with an abundance of creepy faces as well. Nice work, Penis With Fangs. Not quite the VFTW victory I was hoping for, but it’ll do. Simon encourages him to sing country music more often, as do I, because that will bring in some massive votes. Come on, Phil, let’s knock out one of the divas!

The sixth singer is Jordin Sparks. She decides to sing You’ll Never Walk Alone. Ryan informs the judges that Jordin is last, and approximately one minute later, Paula lets out a delayed, drunken “Ooh!” The song starts out really rough, and Jordin never really recovers. It’s a pretty terrible vocal overall, and her goat vibrato is in full effect. It’s as if she is inspired… to become Chris Daughtry. And no one should be inspired to do that. But it’s not over yet, and she continues to sing poorly throughout. Now you all know I compliment Jordin every week, so this must have been pretty awful for me to rip on her so much. To be fair, the final few notes were excellent, and she had some great moments, but overall she was one of the worst singers of the night. I was surprised to say the least.

Finally, we close out the show with Sanjaya Malakar singing Fat Bottomed Girls. He was inspired to sing this song because fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round… and that’s what tonight is all about: making the world go round and inspiring people to help feed the poor. He starts off with his sister on stage, shaking her rack for the heterosexual male vote, and then launches into a hilariously off key and wickedly awesome performance. He definitely outshines everyone else tonight, so it’s easy to see why he got the pimp spot. And that hair… I mean, who knew Sanjaya could pull off pigtails? It was like a heavenly sundae of VFTW goodness! And the pillows stuffed into the backside of his jeans were the cherry on the top. Randy hated it, but Randy is an idiot. Simon threw his Coke cup at the stage, screaming blasphemous words about how much he wanted Sanjaya to go home. But we all know our Papaya isn’t going anywhere, so it’s good news for us! I’ll be happy to write about Sanjaya’s performances up until the finale, because there’s no way he’ll be leaving us before then.

Who’s going home? I predict a bottom three of Phil Stacey, Jordin Sparks, and one of LaKisha Jones or Chris Richardson. And either LaKisha or Chris will go home. I don’t care, as long as it’s not Phil Stacey, everyone’s favorite vampire. And of course I’ll write a special column tomorrow night to poke fun at the musical extravaganza that is Idol Gives Back… complete with the “biggest surprise ever” according to Ryan Seacrest. Let me ruin it for you… Celine Dion is going to sing with a hologram of Elvis so they can do a duet. Boring and lame, just like everyone who isn’t a VFTW pick this year.