Really, this show has become a chore to watch. The lackluster cast makes me miss Haley Scarnato. The repetitive judge comments haven’t been funny for years. And this year’s theme might as well be “Songs David Archuleta Already Knows” every week. Except for Beatles week. Because to be fair, who has ever heard of the Beatles? Some obscure Australian guy who sings like a monkey? Of course I’ve heard of him! Beatles? Huh? *nervous laugh* *GASP* *licks lips* *falls down from being starved by stage dad*

So why do I watch? Because this week could produce hilarious results. This week the frontrunners were shitty and the shitty were actually decent. I am hoping against hope that this will lead to an entertaining train wreck of a results show where someone who would have otherwise been in the top 4 will go home. Please make it so, every deity in every religion. It can save the show!

Michael Johns fancies himself a classic rock singer. Really, he’s just an asshat with an ascot. His version of “Dream On” is boring and completely ruins any momentum he gained from last week. Though instead of pussying out on the high notes, he does go for them and does an ok job. Randy calls it an important week because he’s seeing who could win. Paula says her Chihuahuas will join Michael on stage. Then Paula will jump on stage, followed by T-Pain, a cat in heat, David Archuleta’s father, and Simon’s tranny girlfriend Terri Seymour. At that point, it will be incredibly difficult to play the game “What is the most annoying thing on this stage?” It will also be difficult not to let loose my collection of big, blunt rocks. Simon thought it was a “wannabe” performance. Yeah, wannabe going home. Oh snap.

Syesha Mercado usually gets the boycott treatment from me. This week she was halfway decent because she screamed the song off key and hit an incredibly terrible high note. Then she sassed the judges. I think Syesha wants some VFTW support! Too bad we have Kristy already. But Syesha crashes and burns big time tonight on “I Believe”. Who knew Diana Degarmo and Mantasia were actually not that bad? Surprising to say the least! The judges all compare her to Fantasia, who she calls her Idol. Syesha, you’re already older than 19 and you’re not a baby mama. Some protégé you are! You’re not even pregnant. AND you can read. What gives?

Jason Castro sings third and does a stoner version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” Really, boring is the only way to sum it up. It’s not bad, but it’s sure not interesting. Randy calls is “blazing, molten hot.” A stream of blazing, molten hot lava then attacks Randy, but Randy just calls it “pitchy” and says it lacks the “fire factor, dawg.” A stream of ice cold vodka then attacks Paula Abdul and she forgets that she’s pretending to be sober. A stream of Ryan’s man jam attacks Simon, who calls it “brilliant, slightly sweet, but bordering on cabaret.”

VFTW chamption du jour Kristy Lee Cook is up next. She sings “Anyway” and… shockingly it’s decent! She still misses a lot of notes, but compared to the rest of the night, Kristy has one of the top 3 or so performances. Who’da thunk? Of course, this is just an anamoly, and Kristy will be back to sucking next week, so we must continue to support her. At first I was disappointed that she wasn’t that bad. Then I realized the brilliance. If she’s good this week, she can knock out one of the frontrunners. Then I began to salivate. Then as I pictured Carly crying hysterically while being booted out on her fat ass, I spontaneously orgasmed. Thus, I voted 2 straight hours for Kristy. Randy says that Kristy had a couple of little pitch moments. Paula says that Kristy outdid herself tonight. And Simon says that she was very good indeed and that she looks like a star. A VFTW star! Go Kristy, kick out Carly!

David Cook continues the downward spiral of the frontrunners with his worst performance ever, “Innocent”. It’s much worse than his normal vocals and the screaming seems sporadic and strained. To top it all off, the backup singers don’t match the song at all, so it just sounds even cheesier. At the end of his performance, his hand says “give back.” David Cook likes to give back? Well, it goes along with Carly Smithson liking to give head. Randy doesn’t quite get it. Paula calls David well defined. From where I’m looking, David does not look well defined; he looks flabby. Sorry, Paula. Simon says “I didn’t like this performance very much at all. I thought it was a teensy weensy bit pompous.” Teensy weensy? Well I guess when you compare David’s grandstanding to Simon’s everyday smugness, it does seem teensy weensy.

Speaking of ugly cows, Carly Smithson is up 6th. She sings “The Show Must Go On” and boy is it terrible. It just keeps getting worse as it goes on and is easily the worst vocal of the night. She keeps trying to incorporate intricate runs that just sound awful paired with the song. And it’s entirely off key. This is awesome. Randy says that,” it started off good and ended ok just like your recording career at MCA Records. Wait, I mean it started off terrible and ended up horrendous.” Paula says that she didn’t feel the connection she normally feels. Simon first says she looks good (so his opinion from here on out is invalid) and that she oversang the song and sounded angry (ok fine, he’s right). Simon then gave his patented, “You may be in a bit of trouble” that he always says when he wants someone to go home. Oh please make it so! No words would make me happier this week than, “Cunty Shitstain has left the building.” Well, they won’t say that. But just send her home.

David Pimpchuleta sings “Angels” this week. His lower range is awful and he’s missing 75% of the lower notes. Once he gets into the chorus though, at least he starts hitting notes correctly. But at that point, he starts overdoing it on the melisma. Remember kids, melisma = emotion. It was still better than most of the other fuck-ups, but it wasn’t good at all. Highlight of the performance: a little girl holds up a “lick those lips” sign for David. Creepy. Randy says this was David’s hottest moment all season. The lava then attacks Randy again, but Randy isn’t feeling it. Paula calls it amazing. And Simon calls it the best song choice of the night because the song is British.

Skeletor is last, and she sings “You’ve Got a Friend.” She just wants to feel good and be happy. Will someone please tell this idiot that just because she pretends to be nice, it doesn’t mean everyone falls for it. As she sings without her piano, she looks awkward and frightened. It just doesn’t work. She’s mediocre with a piano and pure crap without one. Her voice is too shaky, squeaky, and off-key. She could use some more instruments to hide her incompetent singing, but she seems to stick to quiet, acoustic arrangements. Good luck with that one, Brooke. The big note near the end is epic in its awfulness. Randy says it was ok. Paula calls it the perfect way to close the evening. Then after she stops talking to her glass of gin, she tells Brooke she sucks. Simon calls it pleasant but unoriginal. I wouldn’t even call it pleasant. Maybe he was calling Brooke a peasant because she looks starved? Or maybe he’s asking Brooke for a present? If she doesn’t have awkward, crying sex with him this week, it may be her turn to leave.

Who goes home? I don’t even want to imagine what will happen, because I might be disappointed. So instead, I submit to you the best bottom 3 ever. First into the bottom 3 is Carly, who starts sobbing uncontrollably. The producers try to console her, but she can’t stop crying. Then Brooke is told she’s in the bottom 3 as well. She also starts crying but can’t help talking over Carly as well for no apparent reason. The two start crying hysterically and collapse to the floor. Next, Kristy comes out with her “Kristy’s seat” name tag and is declared safe. Kristy then crosses her name off and gives it to Carly, saying, “You’re gonna need this now. You stink. Oh, and Sanjaya says fuck off.” The last member of the bottom 3 is David Archuleta. The crowd roars with boos. David takes a stool in between Carly and Brooke and starts nervously laughing. A chorus erupts of laughs and cries. The camera catches Kristy smirking off to the side and waving, “Hi, Dave.” David Archuleta is declared safe first, and the bottom two girls erupt into even bigger sobs. Brooke is then granted safety, meaning Carly is the one going home. As Seacrest introduces her clip, the video suddenly stops working and Sanjaya walks out on stage. He grabs Seacrest’s mic and says, “My favorite moment on American Idol? When Carly Smithson was voted out. Now sing, bitch.” He hands her the mic and she sobs through “The Show Must Go On” ironically for about 20 seconds before she loses it and screams, “WHY, VOTE FOR THE WORST???? WHY??????” She then is signed to a major label, causing her to become very happy, and ends up selling only 299 records for them, causing her to go insane and leave the country.

Yep, that’s what will happen.

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