Paula Abdul has amazing and magical time-travel powers! Who knew? But first...
I must say up front that I have never ever ever EVER been a fan of Neil Diamond's in my entire life. My grandmother thinks he's sexy, and that's enough to put him well into the "oh, ICK!" territory for me. I have never cared for his music, either... I mean, we are talking about a man who once sang a song inspired by E.T. for Jesus' sake ("Heartlight" anyone?). I also have to wonder, is Idol running out of money for some reason? I mean, if they could afford to score Mariah on the day of her album release, then why in the name of the Holy Ghost couldn't they part with enough cash to get Madonna on the day of hers??!?
I mean, THINK about it! Who has a better catalog to choose songs from? Who could inject some zest into this lifeless zombie of a show? How hard is it to sound better than Madonna? We could see David Archuleta fulfill his lifetime dream of performing "Like A Virgin" in a silken wedding gown and full veil on national TV (or maybe he'd prefer to do "Oh, Father" or "Papa Don't Beat Me"!) Plus, you get the cross-promotional platinum platform for Hard Candy! Everybody wins! Kinda. Madonna has already edged into the hand-jobs-behind-the-McDonald's-dumpster-with-the-devil neighborhood by allowing Idol Gives Back to use her image in video promotions for buying your very own Malawiian baby, so why not go all the way and let them just fuck you, Madge?
And yeah, Ms. Ciccone-Penn-Ritchie (or CPR) is pushing 50, but she does yoga 47 times a day and gets facials made of queen bee jelly mixed with Justin Timberlake's sperm and stuff... in any case, she's a helluva lot easier to look at than tonight's "star"... who, by the way, hasn't had a hit on the charts since 1986. But, that's just the way it goes I guess. However, tonight's show had some very special things (and by "special" I mean in a "fingerpainting your padded cell with your own shit" kind of way).
So Ryan starts off by saying that they're all still "reeling" from the shocking departure of Carly Smithson... so he gives a big cheesy "Hi Carly!" (barf) to our television screens, and then proceeds to say that "We have a tight show to jam into one hour!" Who writes this show, and haven't they yet discovered how dangerous it is to put words like "tight" and "jam" and "queen" into a mouth like Ryan Seacrest's? This is the same man who rubbed oil on musclemen as part of his *guffaw* job.
Ryan says immediately after the comment about the "tight show" that the judges will only be giving critiques after each contestant sings their second song tonight! HA! This is awesome! My daily prayers to Madonna have finally paid off... maybe my rushing out and buying "Hard Candy" today had something to do with it...
Anyways, Ryan goes on to give Neil Diamond's credentials, 120 million albums sold (2 million of them probably to my grandmother alone) and that "few stars have shone as brightly as Neil Diamond" and I'm thinking "Really?"... Okay, I'll drink the Kool-Aid just for tonight and go along with it. So Neil goes straight for the dirty-old-man vibe and says he's ready to meet the "perky contestants"... *salacious grin*. Odd choice of words to use in conjunction with Jason Castro. But he meets the remaining 5 contestants and Brooke immediately gushes in a quavery voice that they are all "nervous to sing your songs!" and she giggles like a whore meeting the pope for the first time.
So for his first song, Jason Castro is going to sing "Forever In Blue Jeans". Jason says that he forgot the words when he was singing for Neil (and then gives his forehead an "I coulda hadda V-8!" smack). Jason forgetting something? Shocking. What's even weirder is the countrified twang Jason is singing with on the first line. It's the same old hazy shade of Jason we've been seeing for weeks now, except now I'm noticing that he's singing way too close to the microphone, he's popping and hissing and inhaling on that thing like it's a giant doobie. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't real great, either. Then there was a random camera shot of one of the female violinists in the Overpower-The-Idols-Orchestra wearing her shades... not sure what that was all about.
Blessedly, nothing is heard from the judges and we move right along. This is great!
Bungholio Supreme David Cook is being interviewed by Ryan, who asks him "Whose arrangement did you rip off for tonight's performance?" and David wisely turns it right around on him and asks "No, how did YOU prepare for tonight's performance?" and Ryan flamboyantly reveals that he used to perform Madonna songs in front of a mirror, wearing cheap wigs, fishnets and tacky pumps while singing into a hairbrush. Ryan then gets a deer-in-the-headlights look on his face and admits that he has revealed far too much information about himself and goes straight to the video of Neil and David. David is singing "I'm Alive" which is apparently a "lesser-known" Neil Diamond song. Um, isn't that most Neil Diamond songs any more? And it's not the Celine Dion song, either. (Damn, I hate to admit it, but I like that song... the Celine one, not the Neil Diamond one) Neil says David gave him goosebumps and that he's got "the right material"... yeah, way to praise your own songwriting there, Neil, you sure don't have a swelled head, do you?...
David's coat has the first half of the AC/DC logo on it for some reason. And then I notice his guitar also has a giant "AC" on it, too. At first I thought maybe it stood for Adult Contemporary, which is probably where David is going to land after this show is over with for the year... but then I began to suspect that it's the initials of his cancer-stricken brother... and I guess in a way maybe that's okay, but the cynical part of me wonders if that's a ploy to gain sympathy voting...? But then I dismiss that, too, because I realize that David is so certain of his awesomeness that he doesn't need to resort to that kind of thing... and he has the power of Project Runway Season 4 Winner Christian Siriano's hair to help him feel invincibly fabulous... I don't know "I'm Alive", I've never heard it before, but I was not so impressed by David's screaming vocals. Seeing his smug smirky face just makes me want to punch the television, but that would hurt, so I punch my David Cook Kissing Practice Pillow instead.
We don't have to listen to the judges again! I'm crying with joy.
Brooke White(st) says she's going to play 2 instruments this week, the guitar and the Simon's Special Skin Flute. She's going to hack "I'm A Believer" to pieces. And she takes out her nervous axe and starts in. It's like, after singing the first line and realizing she looks scared to death, she bursts into a weird squinty smile that looks starey and completely unreal. The bunch of breathing organ-donors in the front rows aren't even doing their stupid hand-waving for her. I noticed that Paula Abdul was dancing/lurching about during Brooke's performance, and that she's sporting a worse case of pillow-hair-hat this week than ever before.
I'm beginning to realize my head is not coming down with a migraine from hearing Randy Jackson spew a bunch of "Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo"s. This is like a slice of heaven on earth!
We come back to see a sign that says "MY HUSBAND HAS A MAN-CRUSH ON SEACREST". Ha ha. That's so funny and not uncomfortable at all. And can someone explain to me why is a "man-crush" okay, but straight-up gays are not? Hmmmm. Whatevs. We move on to little David Archuleta, who is wearing a prisoner's top tonight and is going to sing "Sweet Caroline", another one of my personal least favorite Neil Diamond songs. Neil calls David "a prodigy", but I think the word he was looking for was more along the lines of "savant". David still sports absolutely zero stage-presence, he can't seem to stop his hand from doing that awkward "I'm jiggling your balls" movement that he does in every performance now, and tonight he's sounding quite threadbare, he's off-pitch and sounds nervous and more gaspy than ever. When he gets finished and Ryan rushes over to give David's phone numbers, I notice that Ryan can't seem to stop touching little David, and it's starting to look more than a little molesterish.
Next up is the gamely still plugging away Syesha Mercado (whom Neil calls "Sy-e-shee-a") and she's going to sing "Hello Again". Syesheea said "hello" to hair weave this week after realizing that her Cabbage Patch 'Do wasn't doing much for her. She also said "goodbye" to her shoes, which I find just a tad disgusting. If I was a fellow contestant I wouldn't like to be walking through Syeesheea Toe Jam all over the stage. She's also wearing a lot of both lip-gloss and eyelid-gloss tonight. Here come the super-stupid handwavers again! Look! They're trying to block Syesha from even being seen by the camera! See? Poor Syesha doesn't get any respect from this show, the judges or the audience. *sigh* I feel sorry for the girl sometimes. And that weave was smokin' hot on her tonight.
And then Ryan plunges me back into blind insane hatred by suddenly giving Randy, Paula and Simon a chance to speak! What happened to them not getting to comment until after the second performances??!?!? Fuckers!
Randy runs through the five of them quickly calling Jason "ok", David "very good", Brooke "karaoke", Archuleta "the bomb" and Syesha "strong".
Then Paula starts her... halting... struggle... to... form... a... sentence... She starts out talking about Jason Castro's performance. THEN, in one of the Most. Fabulous. Moments. This. Season. Ever. she goes on and starts to critique Jason's second song... which he hasn't performed yet!!!!!! Ryan starts to look very uncomfortable and Randy attempts to break in and correct Paula while Simon rolls his eyes. They finally get through to her poor addled brain and she helplessly blurts out "I thought you sang twice!" to Jason, who nods his dreadlocked head in commisseration with her confusion. She continues to sputter, and Simon attempts to get her back on track by telling her to say which one of them was her favorite. She keeps babbling on, and Simon finally cuts her off to call Jason "forgettable" (apt!), David "ok", Brooke "a nightmare" (to which Paula vehemently slurs "NO!"), David "amateurish" and Syesha "old fashioned". They quickly cut to commercial.
Oh... my... GOD!!! Now THAT was a moment of entertainment! Thank you American Idol, you finally put a smile on my face tonight! This would suggest to me that either she is being fed what to say, or Paula completely lost her place in the time-space continuum and 20+ million people witnessed it! Amazing!
There's a fake sign in the audience that was made by the Idol producers that says "SIMON FOR GOVERNER OF COWELL-FORNIA!" Giggle. Those Vin Di Bona writers from "America's Funniest Home Videos" certainly have their finger on the comedic pulse of America. Here's Jason Castro again to sing "September Morn", which is a schmaltzy ballad that would not have been out-of-place on a first-run episode of The Love Boat. I don't think he picked it, but perhaps he did because he thought it was actually called "September Porn". Bad song. Bad choice. Bad vocals. But at least the hand-wavers are getting into it! Jason just kinda nods and grins sheepishly when he's excoriated by all three judges, who have been very pissed off about not being allowed to babble on incessantly for the first half of the show (even though they should have just looked at it as getting paid the same money to do half the work, but you know the glass is always half-empty with that crew).
David Cook graces us with his Christ-like presence again while he screams out "All I Really Need Is Minoxidil"... Hey, where'd the "AC" on his guitar go? Weird. I heard several notes that were out of tune, and his half-lidded eyes seem like they are saying he's too cool (or maybe tired) to gaze with any degree of alertness upon the adoring Idol audience that obviously worships him. You know, I'm scenting a Christ Daughtry-esque shocking upset dismissal in the wind... you just watch. All three judges fall all over themselves praising David's performance (Paula even goes so far as to say "I feel like I'm already looking at the next American Idol..." which makes me wonder... did she pop forward in time again while we weren't looking? Hmmmmm.)
Here comes the cutesy-desperate-ness of Brooke White(st) again. Look! She's written the lyrics of her next song "I Am... I Said" on her hand! That's so she won't forget the lyrics for the fourth time this season! Except, how is she going to look at lyrics on the palm of her hand when she's using that hand to play the piano? Maybe Brooke has X-ray vision, or maybe her hand is just so skeletal that she can read the words through her bony claws. Brooke is gonna shred this one, too, and Neil Diamond encouraged it when he suggested that she insert "Arizona" where he originally sung "New York City". Cutesy-desperate-ness-ness. The judges are actually pretty easy on her even though her last note was squeaky and nails-on-a-chalk-board rough.
Looking frightened, we see David Archuleta take the stage again, to sing "America", which he learned from Kristy Lee Cook ensures your survival on American Idol if you're having a crappy night like he is. We get a shot of David's Terrible Stage Dad wearing his Vladimir Lenin Master Proletariat Cap again. David thinks that singing about America isn't going to be enough, so he does a bunch more of his patented melisma-runs, but you can hear the unsteadiness in his voice. I think he's starting to buckle under the pressure...
Then Paula actually calls him a "savant"!!! Oh you bitch. That wasn't very nice of her, but she's probably trying to take the heat off of herself for being so stupid tonight, so she's taking it out on poor little David. Simon cynically calls David's song choice "very smart" and you know he's talking about shameless jingoism. It'll work, too, just you watch. Ryan manhandles David some more. God, get a room you two!
And the show is over for another week! Oh wait, forgot all about Syesha Mercado again. This time she's singing "Thank The Lord For The Night Time". She's still not wearing any shoes. She's desperately trying to inject some personality into the song, so she is getting Supah Sistah Girl all ovah it, girlfriend! 3 snaps up in a circle! I get glazed over during her performance and start noticing the very Q*Bert-like graphics swooshing by on the giant video screens behind her. They are fascinating in a way her singing just is not.
Randy attempts to get Syesha work after her impending dismissal from this show by saying again that she could be in a play or on Broadway. Paula Abdul goes completely off the edge of reality by calling Syesha a cross between Corinne Bailey Rae and Minnie Riperton. What?!?!? Minnie had a five and a half octave voice! Syesha might have three at best, and to compare the two just shows how inane Paula's opinions are. Most likely she meant Minnie Mouse instead. Simon says tonight is the "strangest show we've had" and then darkly intones that Syesha "may be in a bit of trouble" which is his way of saying he is tired of her and wants her to go home.
I would love to see David Archuleta leave so he could get the psychiatric help he needs (and an attorney to start divorce proceedings from his father's guardianship) but I think it might be Syesha or Jason leaving. I would love a "shocker" a-la-Daughtry, though, that would be sweet!
love, J-Mo :)
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See more of the Wacky World of J-Mo at http://blog.myspace.com/jman987654
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Joined: 16 May 2007
Joined: 23 Apr 2008
Joined: 12 Apr 2007
Joined: 31 May 2006
This week may be one of the most painful weeks of American Idol ever. Whoever created the Neil Diamond theme week should be boiled alive in Brooke White’s acidic tears. At least last week we had some really fun moments and some decent performances. This week, every single performance was bad or, at best, mediocre. And only one of those “bad” performances was VFTW worthy (of course, from Brooke). The only saving grace to this show was a train wreck of a moment from Paula when she wasn’t paying attention and slipped up that she doesn’t watch any of the performances. Classic! More on that later. But just so we’re keeping track here: The producers want us to pick a current, relevant pop star. To do so, they make them sing Neil Diamond, Mariah Carey, Dolly Parton, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Beatles songs. I cannot stress enough how idiotic the producers of this show are.
The first performance for each contestant flies by in a blur, and none of them are good. Jason Castro sings “Forever in Blue Jeans” in the typical Jason style: pleasant but too boring to be good. David Cook screams “Alive” much worse than her normally does. His growling isn’t in the right key and he slurs all of his words. Brooke White’s “I’m a Believer” is an instant VFTW classic and one of her worst ever, if not one of the worst performances by any contestant this season. It starts off shaky and never gets better, with demented bouncing and creepy smiles to accent Brooke’s awkward delivery. Touchdown! Gaspy Pimpchuleta’s reworking of “Sweet Caroline” is atrocious. Not that I care too much for the original, but he completely redid the melody and made it a Sesame Street 90’s Cosby Show style version with extra cheese. For real, that was just odd and painful. Lastly, Syesha Mercado sings “Hello Again” decently until she starts screeching the chorus in the same off-key manor she always does. I cringe and then quickly fall asleep, missing anything else she does. She might have gotten naked for all I know, But knowing Syesha, she was just eating some dry, white toast while drinking some 2% milk.
What do the judges think of round one? I can barely keep up, but Randy seems to like the Davids and Syesha, while calling Brooke “better than last week” and Jason “okay.” Paula then provides us with the best moment of the season. She says that Jason’s second song wasn’t good enough and that his 2 songs show that he isn’t fighting hard enough to get into the top 4. Wait. What? Is Paula reading off a script drunkenly and not realizing that the contestants have only sung once so far? The producers must be shitting in their pants right now. Paula then keeps going about Jason’s second performance, and no one knows what to say. She basically just outed the fact that the judges take notes at the dress rehearsals and use those to comment without even bothering to watch what happens with the real performances. Paula, you’re awesome! Paula STILL doesn’t even understand what’s going on when Ryan and Simon carefully try to do damage control and explain that the contestants have only sung once. She’s on the sauce, people, and I’m loving it. Too bad this is the only highlight of the night and I have to watch more shitastic Neil Diamond performances now. Paula, at the last minute, tries to cover by saying she was commenting on David Cook’s performance, but then calls David “good.” So it still makes no sense since she told Jason his performances were both bad. I love Paula so much. Simon quickly comments that they were basically all bad, with choice criticisms like Brooke being “a nightmare”, Gaspy “amateurish”, and Jason “forgettable.”
The second performances are no better, but the judges get to comment on them for longer periods of time, thus giving them precedence I guess. Jason Castro sings “September Morn” and it is Syesha-style boring. You can tell he doesn’t even want to be here anymore. Not that I can blame him. I understand, Jason. Randy calls it ok. Paula says he took the same liberty on both songs and he needs to not be so safe. Listen to Paula, Jason. Get totally wasted again. You’re far too alert tonight. Simon says that this is not the Jason they put in the competition. That’s right, this Jason snuck on the set and was mistakenly cast. They let him stay when he provided the crew with free weed. Not a bad deal, honestly.
Cookie is back with “All I Really Need is You.” He’s still just as bad as he was in the first song. And it’s truly awful. I gave him his props when he did a good job with songs in the past, but this week, he’s just excruciatingly bad. He’s a third-rate Daughtry clone with off-key bleating and absolutely no charisma. Surprise, surprise, the judges don’t seem to notice. Well, Paula doesn’t seem to notice anything, but you’d think the other 2 wouldn’t be able to pimp the Large Headed one after that. Guess I was wrong. Randy says that David rocked the house. Paula says she is looking at the American Idol. It’s true, she’s having a staring contest with the Idol logo behind David, but he takes it as a compliment that he is the winner. Simon says that he was brilliant. Simon really overuses this word. I mean, one day in the life of Simon, he must have a “brilliant” breakfast, a “brilliant” walk on the beach, a “brilliant” shower, and a “brilliant” nap. Wait, who am I kidding? Change that to “brilliant” session of staring at himself in the mirror while masturbating and “brilliant” chain smoking binge. That’s better.
Brooke tries to redeem herself with “I Am I Said.” She does do a lot better, partially because she writes the lyrics on her hand. Sneaky Skeletor! But it’s still not great, as her funny faces are priceless and the squeaking she does in the chorus is humorous. Randy says she did a nice job. Paula says the song shows the vulnerability everyone loves. And Simon says it wasn’t incredible but a million times better than the first song.
Gaspy takes on “America” and is just as bad as he was the first time. He should definitely lose any consideration of being the front-runner after this giant dump on the stage. His fake spirit is grating and the American flag behind him is nauseating. It’s not funny and fake like when Kristy Lee Cook exploited patriotism. It’s just kind of… painful. I think his dad is letting him out of his cage too early before performances. After Jeff sees that David is no longer leading on DialIdol, he may have his water and bread privileges taken away. Poor puppet. For some reason though, the judges love it. Randy calls it in the zone and Simon says that David “ticked all the right boxes.” OK, so maybe his dad will let him have the water and the bread, but he might have to sleep in the cage an hour early to think about what he’s done.
Last, and most boring, is Syesha. Her version of “Thank the Lord for the Nighttime” is probably better than most of the other performances tonight, but it’s still classic snoozefest Syesha. She’s doing fine until the chorus when she loses it by doing which of the following:
a) Screeching out high notes she can’t hit.
b) Screeching out high notes she can’t hit.
c) Screeching out high notes she can’t hit.
d) All of the above.
The answer is clearly B. Duh. She’s screeching out high notes she can’t hit. She sounds awful when she does this, but she insists on doing it anyway. “One Rock and Roll Too Many” played on all of her strengths, while this song just makes her seem mediocre again. Randy likes that Syesha is finally realizing who she is (the token black contestant who has only made it this far based on her race?). Paula calls her Brooke and likes her theatrical place. Oh, Paula. Brooke is the VFTW pick. This is Syesha. You are so delightfully wasted! Simon calls this the “strangest show we’ve ever done.” Yep, that might be right if you replace “strangest” with “most pathetic.” He also says Syesha may be in trouble tonight because there are only 5 left and she didn’t have a memorable song. Simon knows exactly what he’s doing, and saying that just earned her an extra million or so pity votes to keep her safe. Interesting. They must really want Jason or Brooke to go.
I would call Brooke’s “I’m a Believer” the single worst performance of the night. I would call Archuleta the overall worst of the night. So who will leave? Cook is safe, even in the death spot (the person who sings 2nd has ALWAYS gone home on final 5 nights). Syesha is safe due to Simon’ comment. And even though I would love to see Gaspy in the *GASP* bottom 2 *GASP* because he’s *GASP* so obnoxious *GASP*, it’s fairly obvious we’ll be seeing Brooke and Jason on the stools. Hopefully VFTW’s entertainment votes will win out and keep Brooke around past Jason. If we don’t, hell we’ll probably be supporting Jason next week anyway, so it’ll all work out. And Brooke’s classic meltdown is around the corner anyway. I’d like to see Brooke stay, but since it’s not likely, I’ll prepare for her collapse and at least cheer that Brooke is partially responsible for Carly Smithson’s wonderful demise.
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