The corpse just won’t lay down and stay there...
she keeps coming back to haunt this show. Yes, the Evil Undead Carly Smithson got not one, but two closeups on tonight's show. Plus, you could see her deathly-pale, flabby, tatted-up arm jiggling behind Randy's head for the entire show, like a rancid congealed flan spilled outside the backdoor of a Vietnamese restaurant...
Finally ditching the lame "theme week" theme, Ryan starts off this week's show by saying that "3 of the 4 people on this stage have been number one in votes!!!" Ha!.. like that's supposed to be on the same level as scoring a 1 hit on the music charts? Por fa-VOR! Gee, could I hazard a guess as to which one of them has not been number one in votes? Anyone? Anyone? Castro? Castro? Anyhow, Ryan doesn't see that behind him Jason gave a weird wide-eyed glance at the camera... a harbinger of things to come, perhaps...
Then begins a commercial for the Rock'N'Roll Hall Of Fame, who just ditched their credibility when they inducted Madonna (whom I love dearly as any like-minded homosexual who has bought enough of her albums, records, CDs, remixes, posters, videos, DVDs, and terrible movies to finance the adoption of my very own Malawiian baby would... but jeez, just because she learned to play 3 chords on the guitar does not really put her in the category of "rock'n'roll" for me... but, hey, if there was a Gay Icons Hall Of Fame?... hell yes, give her her own damned wing next to Cher's and across the way from Liza's) so part of me thinks all this plugging for the Hall Of Fame on Idol is part of their damage control for bowing to the Madgeness. I found it extremely odd that while going over the Cliff's Notes version of Rock'N'Roll History they would have highlighted Ike Turner's contributions to the genre... they mention that on his way to a recording session his amplifier "fell off the top of the car" and broke (yeah, right, it probly "fell" on Tina's face a couple of times) and yet he still used it to create that beloved sound of distortion. Wow, the sacrifices Ike made for rock'n'roll...
...and in one of the most incredible moments of conceitedness (surprisingly not attributed directly to David Cook for once) Ryan intones that "someday one of the Idols" might be inducted into the Rock'N'Roll Hall Of Fame... and they cut and pasted pictures of David, David, Jason & Syesha into the hallowed halls! Oh, S'il Vouz PLAIT! When you have winners of this stupid show who can't even keep their own record deal for more than a year, then I think it's a tad presumptuous to think one of The. Best. Top. Four. Ever. is gonna wind up there....
... but that's neither here nor there, just like David Cook's first song. Ol' Mr. I'm-Awesome-And-You-Know-It is going to sing "Hungry Like The Wolf" by Duran Duran, and he crows "I'm gonna stand it on it's head... and then I'm gonna beat it and kick it, and fuck it in half!" The only changes that I could tell he made was that he added some more chugging electric guitar.... and he didn't have one of the SIBUSes (Shitty Idol Back-Up Singers™) do the orgasmic yodeling at the end. My opinion was that it sounded like so much doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-dooooooooo. David's pitch is all over the place and he's using his I'm-grunting-to-poo-voice, but he sure is doing his best to channel a much-sexier (even now) Simon LeBon.
Randy thought it was just OK, but Randy also thinks he's relevant or something. Paula says that it made her hungry for more of David, and attempts to toss him her hotel room key. (Cougar alert, David!) Simon's the only one who clocks it as a boring "copycat" version (duh, like everything else David Cook does, how shockingly unoriginal).
Then we move on to Syesha Mercado, who tells Ryan that she's really excited about the Idol Summer Tour, because she'll get the chance to meet "all" of her fans. Syesha just can't stay away from people who have much better voices than hers, so she decides to impale herself on Creedence Clearwater Revival's "Proud Mary"... only not the CCR version, of course, but the Ike And Tina Turner version. At first she giggles that "It's been covered, like, a hundred times!" and then admits she had a second or third thought about tackling this song when she remembered that it has all that recognizable choreography in it, but Syesha just looked in the mirror and told herself to just go for it! My sister-girl Peter G. texted me and says "...after all Syesha, if "Proud Mary" has been covered 100 times, what's wrong with a 101st? Oh yeah, THAT!"
After all that talk about the "recognizable choreography" in the song, Syesha decides to ditch that and do her own lame watered-down moves. She also decides to emulate Tina's attempt to dress up like a baked potato at the Grammys this year and although I couldn't see Syesha's nipples in her tight silvery dress, there were a couple of distressing moments when I feared I might see her bramble patch as she thrashed about like an epileptic who missed her daily Dilantin dose. It was all just wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong, her voice is way too thin to tackle these big singers and their most recognizable songs, even on her desperate glory note at the end.
Randy's laughing at her (not with her) but covers it by saying she did a'ight, dawg. Paula says "You look like a STAR!" and then rambles on to the point where Syesha herself gives a terse "Thank you, Paula!" in an attempt to shut her up! Classic! This serves to hasten the abuse that Simon Cowell is ready to shell out when he rightfully calls it a "bad shrieky version" and Syesha tries to spin this to her advantage by smiling real big and saying "I'm sorry!". She should be apologizing to Tina Turner. Tom turned to me and said "If she can't do Whitney Houston then what makes her think she can do Tina Turner??!?" I dunno.
After the commercial break, we come back to see that Ryan has a Jason-head (with dreads made of black yarn) on a stick and is waving it about like a hand-held Swiffer®, and then he acknowledges Carly Smithson's pathetic schlubby loser-ass in the audience! *Blurk* <----(threw up in my mouth a little there) So Jason Castro rambles on about being happy to be doing songs that he actually knows this time around, not ones he's never heard of that were sung by kitty-cats. He decides to do Bob Marley's "I Shot The Sheriff" because Bob had dreadlocks, too. Following that line of reasoning, he could have chosen something by Maxipriest or Lenny Kravitz, too. I thought it was a strange choice of song, especially for such a family-oriented show like Idol when you have lyrics talking about killing law-enforcement... but you know what??.. I don't think Jason Castro could give less of a fuck if he's on this show anymore or not. I get the feeling that he doesn't want to play their games any more, and so he decided to just go ahead and do what he likes and say screw the holy Idol trinity of Simons Cowell and Fuller and Nigel Lythgoe. Weirdly, it was the most awake I think I've ever seen Jason look, you could just tell he was in his element...
...well, sorta. Randy, of course, completely hated it (and could barely conceal his contempt while spitting his opinion) and Paula told Jason he'd won her over (especially with that last ounce of Panamanian Red he scored for her) and Simon tells Jason to "stand back" as if the very weight of the words coming from his mouth could be dangerous! And then he calls it "atrocious". Oooh, ow, my ears, ouch, ohhhh, owieeeeee, that hurrrrrrrrrrrrrrts! He asks Jason what he was thinking. Jason comes right back with "I was thinkin' Bob Marley!" Good for you, Jason, stick it back to them and make them sorry they ever agreed to put you into this season. Ryan picks up on the nasty vibe and tells the judges "You seem ticked off by this..." and Simon says the only similarity between the two versions of the song was the hair. Razor sharp he is. Yeah, and the only similarity between American Idol and Star Search is David Archuleta.
Who, by the way, nervously giggles that he's going to blandify and whitewash Ben E. King's "Stand By Me", a song that he's "never sung in public before" (that is, until someone posts a previous performance by him on YouTube) and that he likes to sing it in his room to himself. Wait, he likes to sing "Stand By Me" to himself? Isn't that a tad schizophrenic? Ah hell, can you blame him? He's probably locked in that room a lot, so he has to make friends with himself, because other than frantic masturbation, it's probably one of the better ways for him to pass the time...
...and once again, David completely ditches the melody and the original lyric in order to ad lib his way through the song (I don't remember the Ben E. King version having a lyric that went "And allll you beautiful girrrrrls" anywhere in it... but then again, Terrible Stage Dad probably tole him to stop being such a Sissy Sybil and butch it up somehow) and it just left me thinking that it sounded exactly like every other performance he's given... bland, boring and blah.
Of course, since he IS the preselected winner of this season, Randy Jackson just cannot gush enough about how "hot" it is. If by "hot" he means "weird, gaspy, awkward and fearful" then I guess so. Paula says that David is "communicating" with the audience (huh?) and that he is taking the judges "advice", using what he can and "throwing out" what he doesn't need... which would be pretty much all of it. Simon isn't done making nasty insults to Jason Castro, so he uses David's performance to get in another couple of shots, saying David could have "whistled something" and it would still have been better than the last performance. What a hater. Meanwhile, Ryan is still openly groping David in front of America, and right before they cut to commercial he has grabbed him by both shoulders from behind and appears to be attempting to mount little David right there on stage! Uh, that's a bad touch Ryan....
...you can just see how uncomfortable David is with it every time it happens (and it happens every time they are on stage together, am I the only one who's noticed that Seacrest can't keep his mitts off the sweet jailbait?). David Hernandez is probably watching on a crappy black-and-white monitor backstage between sets at Dick's Cabaret and seething green with jealousy and envy.
Now we are treated once again to David Cook and his Amazing AC Guitar to sing The Who's "Baba O'Reilly", which is sometimes referred to erroneously as "Teenage Wasteland". This show is more like "Musical Wasteland". David is excited because no one has ever performed this song on Idol before, and after he sings it, we know exactly why. It's weird, it sounds chopped to hell because it's only 90 seconds, and David's screamy voice doesn't seem big enough for it (but God knows his ego sure is)... Smirky ass-munch.
Randy falls all over himself to contradict the critique he gave Jason earlier by saying that it's so cool that David can "have fun and just be you...". Apparently that's only okay if you're David Cook and not Jason Castro, who was just being the lovable pothead that he is when he sung Bob Marley. Paula says "I want more... I want more... I want MORE!" No need to guess what she's actually talking about. Simon just beams "Welcome back David Cook!".
Ryan says hello to Rascal Fatts and returns us to Syesha Mercado again. Syesha's going to tackle another big song, this time Sam Cooke's "A Change Is Gonna Come". Syesha brings up the fact that this song was released shortly after Sam Cooke's death and that it was an important part of the civil rights movement. True enough, but Syesha then completely mystifies me by somehow seeming to compare the struggle of the civil rights movement with her struggle to be in the Top 4 of American Idol. I didn't get that at all, but I did get a kick out of her Star Trek dress... and the camera's extreme close-up on her uvula...
...because she's back to relying on her wavery glory-notes to get her through. Randy hates it and says Sam Cooke was one of the greatest singers ever in American Music (20 bucks says Randy would have called him "pitchy dawg" tho). Then Syesha loses it and starts bawling in what wooks to me wike a shamewess cawcuwated attempt to garner sympathy votes becawse Wandy Jackson is being weally weally mean to her! Paula jumps up out of her seat and starts clapping for Syesha like she's some kind of drunken trained seal in a hair-hat, praising her singing to the Skyy's while Ryan awkwardly comforts the super-distraught Syesha. Simon then says to Syesha... that he agrees... with Paula! He thought it was good! Suddenly, Syesha's hysterical tears have stopped on a dime! She sounds totally normal again! Simon's words have magically healed her broken spirit! Yay for healed spirits! Yay for actresses, too! Yay for Visine! Whatever.
To the judges complete lack of delight, here comes Jason Castro again, this time he's doing another Bob, this time it's Bob Dylan, and he's going to sing "Mr. Tambourine Man" (heeeeey, wasn't that song supposed to be about a drug dealer?) which is really a smart choice for him, because your average dawg sounds better than Bob Dylan. However, your average dawg can probably remember the lyrics a lot better than Jason Castro's poor pot-stickered brain can (hey, at least he followed Paula Abdul's priceless advice and just kept on singing nonsense words until he got back 'round to the chorus again). Jason got a standing ovation from Carly Smithson (or maybe she just had a wedgie and stood up to pull her tacky thong out of the crack of her ass). The judges, however, are less impressed. Randy coyly asks Jason "How do YOU think you did?" Jason admits he blew some of the lyrics. Paula says "You blow me away like a line of cheap cocaine..." Simon just glares and says "Pack your suitcase!"
And see, this is what I think is so hysterical about this show... Jason Castro is there because supposedly this is The. Best. Top. 12. In. The. Best. Season. Of. American. Idol. Ever. and these are the same judges who put him there in the first place. Now they're acting all surprised and pissed off that he's turning out to be a wack-job and only a mediocre singer, like they didn't know this before. I think it would be absolutely hysterical if one of the other three went home tomorrow instead of Jason....
And it wouldn't be Idol if we didn't have David Archuleta again, this time to completely fuck up Elvis Presley's "Love Me Tender", a song that he calls "fun and cool" with a girlish giggle. He sings a piano-only Love Boat lounge version, he misses a couple of big notes, his voice cracks completely at one point and I notice that David squints an awful lot (along with the gaspy lip-licking tics and awkward boy-band jazz-hands as well). And since he is the one in the pimp spot (last up) Randy just crows how awesome his boring version was, how he "caressed each word"... huh? Paula says he really felt it with his heart (or maybe she said he really fell apart, it's hard to know for sure) and Simon tells him he "crushed" the competition while David pretends like he's never heard a compliment for the 3,048,169th time. Ryan oozes up next to David, feels him up some more and calls him "Crusher" while imagining David naked in bed with an open jar of Elbow Grease™ lubricant next to him. I'm sure Ryan has wood by this point.
I'm guessing that unless there's going to be the shocker of David Cook getting sent home, it'll be Jason Castro leaving tomorrow night, and I'm guessing he'd be pretty stoked about it. No more having to share his leaf with Paula (who probly hogs it all and leaves the end of the joint all spitty and covered in sparkly strawberry lip-gloss).
love, J-Mo :)
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See more of the Wacky World of J-Mo at http://blog.myspace.com/jman987654
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Joined: 27 Mar 2007
Joined: 29 Mar 2007
Joined: 22 May 2006
I have never seen someone thrown under the bus with such conviction. Bravo, producers and judges. You all but already eliminated Jason Castro before he even sang a note last week, so you're just finishing the job tonight. So what does Jason do? In typical stoner fashion, not give a shit. And it was awesome! Jason’s antics tonight were legendary, even if the rest of the night was a snooze. Even when the contestants get to pick their own songs, we learn that they have really awful taste or have no idea what suits their voice. Thus, the 500 Songs that Shaped Rock and Roll became the 8 Songs that People Will Forget About By Next Week.
Honestly, I just can’t do it. I can’t write a paragraph for each song. It’s just not interesting enough. Thus, I will combine the contestants’ performances and critiques into one superparagraph. Don’t worry though, I’m not Paula. I don’t get notes from the producers on what to say. Oh wait, I mean, I won't forget what I'm doing. Though I have to admit, I'm pretty fucking wasted right now to get through this show. The things I go through to entertain you guys. You should thank me.
David Cook first sings “Hungry Like the Wolf.” He’s been adding more of a growl to his songs recently, and it sounds very affected. He hasn’t changed much to the song though. It’s not a bad performance, but he’s trying way too hard. It’s as if he was forced to sing the song and forced to do the original arrangement and he was trying to growl as much as possible in defiance. He has made other poppy songs work for him, but this week, it just isn’t all that. His version of “Baba O’Reilly” is decent, but obviously does not stand up to the original. Doing this song in 90 seconds seems like a mistake. But then I remember that the judges have no musical taste and will like whatever the producers tell them to like. Thus, David is safe. Randy likes the second song better. Paula says that the first song made her hungry like a wolf. Though her variety of wolf subsists on Vicodin and booze. The second song made her say, “I want more. I want more. I want more. I want more David Cook.” Either Paula is sleeping with the contestants again or someone has invented a mixed drink called The David Cook. It’s two parts grease, one part slime, and the recipe is stolen from someone else. Simon calls the first performance “a little bit copycat” but says David is good enough to get through to next week. Of course it’s copycat, this is a karaoke competition. What do you expect, originality? Entertainment? Fun? No… that would be a good television show. Remember, we’re watching American Idol. Sorry to disappoint you. I’ve made that mistake before too.
Syesha tells us that she can’t wait to see all of her fans on the tour. Don’t worry, Syesha. Both of them will be able to stop backstage and say hi. She first sings “Proud Mary.” It looks like she’s playing dress up and attempting to flail around like a diva, but it’s very wannabe and not sexy. You need to exude sex appeal for this to work, and Syesha just has a monster rack. There’s no oozing. Though that might be a good thing too. It’s basically “Proud Mary: Broadway Style.” Her second performance is “Change is Gonna Come,” which is about the civil rights movement. Syesha then has the nerve to compare her time on Idol to the civil rights movement, not once, but twice. Martin Luther King Jr. came back from the grave to slap her upside the head, deservedly so. Syesha’s song has 500 glory notes, so of course the judges will love it because it’s nothing but screaming and holding out extra long, ridiculous notes without any feeling. Again, a decent performance, but Syesha isn’t capable of better. Randy likes the first performance, but rips into the second one. Paula loves the second performance, calling it “superstar” and making Syesha cry crocodile tears for votes. She’s one crafty cookie. Simon calls the first performance “shrieky Tina Turner” but really likes the second one. Syesha then ruins the good will and puts her foot in her mouth by comparing her time on the show to the civil rights movement a second time. So all of you people out there who like equal rights, you should vote for Syesha. I mean seriously, what did Rosa Parks ever do? Malcolm X? Who cares! Syesha got to the final 4 on American Idol. That’s enough to just erase the 60’s and write a brand new history book. Seriously. Syesha. You’re a fucking idiot. No one cares about you. We then see two girls holding up a Syesha poster in the audience. Oh, it looks like Syesha won’t need to meet both of her fans at the tour after all. She can just do it tonight.
VFTW champion Jason Castro gives us a good show, but basically dooms himself by even showing up since the producers have it out for him. He first sings “I Shot the Sheriff” and starts to fully embrace the stoner thing. It looks like he’s finally just doing some stuff he likes and trying to enjoy himself before his inevitable ouster. It’s decent, no worse than anything else we’ve heard, but the song doesn’t work in a minute and a half. He doesn’t win over any votes with “Mr. Tambourine Man” by forgetting a large chunk of the lyrics. He does win VFTW support though. I’m starting to truly appreciate Jason on the show. The judges crucify him for both of his performances and Nigel sits backstage ejaculating all over himself with joy. Randy says that Jason is not in the zone tonight, and 2 Worsters in the audience scream, “Yes, you are!” Good job, Worsters. Paula “wasn’t crazy” about either. And that takes a lot of work, because trust me, bitch is crazy. Simon delivers the fatal stab wound by telling Jason that his performance was “utterly atrocious” and saying that it was like a “first round audition massacre.” Simon asks Jason what he was thinking and Jason shoot back, “I was thinking Bob Marley!” In other words, Jason shot back, “Fuck you, I did what I wanted to do to make my stoner friends happy since I know you’re going to do whatever you can to get rid of me this week, kiss my ass”… but with less words. Awesome! Simon also told Jason to pack his bags after the second performance.
Gaspy Sapchuleta is the last performer, and I can barely take any more of him. He first sings “Stand By Me,” which he apparently always sings to his dog because he can’t get a boyfriend. Taking a page from the Katharine McPhee School of Overly Used Melisma, he rids the song of any melody and just makes up stuff. Then he adds a line from Sean Kingston’s “Beautiful Girls”, one of the worst songs ever written. If David hadn’t yet proved he has no taste, that cinched it right there. He also sings “Love Me Tender” because he is sad that he hasn’t sung a romantic, love song yet. You can sing a love song when you hit puberty, Gaspy. Until then, let’s stick to pandering for patriotic and save-the-world votes please. The lonely haus frau and 12 year old girls are loving this, as David doesn’t once open his eyes during the entire performance. He also looks constipated, as if he wants to take a giant crap, but can’t get it out. Seriously, watch it back on mute. The kid could hawk Pepto Bismol or something and make tons of cash. I’m sure his dad is reading this right now and calling the Pepto Bismol people as we speak. Randy pimps both awful performances, telling David that he was “tender and caressed each word.” Gross. Paula tells David that she felt his heart. That’s because his dad is holding it behind the judges table and won’t give it back until David makes the top 3. Simon tells David, “You didn’t beat the competition tonight, you crushed the competition tonight.” Just like David’s dad didn’t beat him last night… Oh wait. Yes he did. Oh, I guess my joke doesn’t work. Ah, child abuse.
If anyone has ANY common sense, they know Jason is gone. It’s a pity, because I’d love for him to stay, but there’s only a 0.0000001% chance of that happening. Maybe DCFS, the NAACP, and NADSS (the National Association for Douchebag Song Stealers) will get the other 3 disqualified and Jason can stay? No? Oh well. We’re going to have to pick a new worst, and I doubt I can get enthusiastic about any of these bores. So cross your fingers for Jason, but I think we all know he’s gone. So what to do? I’m considering having a colonoscopy instead of watching the show next week. Might be less painful and more interesting.
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