Top 4- "I Was Thinking Bob Marley!"

I have never seen someone thrown under the bus with such conviction. Bravo, producers and judges. You all but already eliminated Jason Castro before he even sang a note last week, so you're just finishing the job tonight. So what does Jason do? In typical stoner fashion, not give a shit. And it was awesome! Jason’s antics tonight were legendary, even if the rest of the night was a snooze. Even when the contestants get to pick their own songs, we learn that they have really awful taste or have no idea what suits their voice. Thus, the 500 Songs that Shaped Rock and Roll became the 8 Songs that People Will Forget About By Next Week.

Honestly, I just can’t do it. I can’t write a paragraph for each song. It’s just not interesting enough. Thus, I will combine the contestants’ performances and critiques into one superparagraph. Don’t worry though, I’m not Paula. I don’t get notes from the producers on what to say. Oh wait, I mean, I won't forget what I'm doing. Though I have to admit, I'm pretty fucking wasted right now to get through this show. The things I go through to entertain you guys. You should thank me.

David Cook first sings “Hungry Like the Wolf.” He’s been adding more of a growl to his songs recently, and it sounds very affected. He hasn’t changed much to the song though. It’s not a bad performance, but he’s trying way too hard. It’s as if he was forced to sing the song and forced to do the original arrangement and he was trying to growl as much as possible in defiance. He has made other poppy songs work for him, but this week, it just isn’t all that. His version of “Baba O’Reilly” is decent, but obviously does not stand up to the original. Doing this song in 90 seconds seems like a mistake. But then I remember that the judges have no musical taste and will like whatever the producers tell them to like. Thus, David is safe. Randy likes the second song better. Paula says that the first song made her hungry like a wolf. Though her variety of wolf subsists on Vicodin and booze. The second song made her say, “I want more. I want more. I want more. I want more David Cook.” Either Paula is sleeping with the contestants again or someone has invented a mixed drink called The David Cook. It’s two parts grease, one part slime, and the recipe is stolen from someone else. Simon calls the first performance “a little bit copycat” but says David is good enough to get through to next week. Of course it’s copycat, this is a karaoke competition. What do you expect, originality? Entertainment? Fun? No… that would be a good television show. Remember, we’re watching American Idol. Sorry to disappoint you. I’ve made that mistake before too.

Syesha tells us that she can’t wait to see all of her fans on the tour. Don’t worry, Syesha. Both of them will be able to stop backstage and say hi. She first sings “Proud Mary.” It looks like she’s playing dress up and attempting to flail around like a diva, but it’s very wannabe and not sexy. You need to exude sex appeal for this to work, and Syesha just has a monster rack. There’s no oozing. Though that might be a good thing too. It’s basically “Proud Mary: Broadway Style.” Her second performance is “Change is Gonna Come,” which is about the civil rights movement. Syesha then has the nerve to compare her time on Idol to the civil rights movement, not once, but twice. Martin Luther King Jr. came back from the grave to slap her upside the head, deservedly so. Syesha’s song has 500 glory notes, so of course the judges will love it because it’s nothing but screaming and holding out extra long, ridiculous notes without any feeling. Again, a decent performance, but Syesha isn’t capable of better. Randy likes the first performance, but rips into the second one. Paula loves the second performance, calling it “superstar” and making Syesha cry crocodile tears for votes. She’s one crafty cookie. Simon calls the first performance “shrieky Tina Turner” but really likes the second one. Syesha then ruins the good will and puts her foot in her mouth by comparing her time on the show to the civil rights movement a second time. So all of you people out there who like equal rights, you should vote for Syesha. I mean seriously, what did Rosa Parks ever do? Malcolm X? Who cares! Syesha got to the final 4 on American Idol. That’s enough to just erase the 60’s and write a brand new history book. Seriously. Syesha. You’re a fucking idiot. No one cares about you. We then see two girls holding up a Syesha poster in the audience. Oh, it looks like Syesha won’t need to meet both of her fans at the tour after all. She can just do it tonight.

VFTW champion Jason Castro gives us a good show, but basically dooms himself by even showing up since the producers have it out for him. He first sings “I Shot the Sheriff” and starts to fully embrace the stoner thing. It looks like he’s finally just doing some stuff he likes and trying to enjoy himself before his inevitable ouster. It’s decent, no worse than anything else we’ve heard, but the song doesn’t work in a minute and a half. He doesn’t win over any votes with “Mr. Tambourine Man” by forgetting a large chunk of the lyrics. He does win VFTW support though. I’m starting to truly appreciate Jason on the show. The judges crucify him for both of his performances and Nigel sits backstage ejaculating all over himself with joy. Randy says that Jason is not in the zone tonight, and 2 Worsters in the audience scream, “Yes, you are!” Good job, Worsters. Paula “wasn’t crazy” about either. And that takes a lot of work, because trust me, bitch is crazy. Simon delivers the fatal stab wound by telling Jason that his performance was “utterly atrocious” and saying that it was like a “first round audition massacre.” Simon asks Jason what he was thinking and Jason shoot back, “I was thinking Bob Marley!” In other words, Jason shot back, “Fuck you, I did what I wanted to do to make my stoner friends happy since I know you’re going to do whatever you can to get rid of me this week, kiss my ass”… but with less words. Awesome! Simon also told Jason to pack his bags after the second performance.

Gaspy Sapchuleta is the last performer, and I can barely take any more of him. He first sings “Stand By Me,” which he apparently always sings to his dog because he can’t get a boyfriend. Taking a page from the Katharine McPhee School of Overly Used Melisma, he rids the song of any melody and just makes up stuff. Then he adds a line from Sean Kingston’s “Beautiful Girls”, one of the worst songs ever written. If David hadn’t yet proved he has no taste, that cinched it right there. He also sings “Love Me Tender” because he is sad that he hasn’t sung a romantic, love song yet. You can sing a love song when you hit puberty, Gaspy. Until then, let’s stick to pandering for patriotic and save-the-world votes please. The lonely haus frau and 12 year old girls are loving this, as David doesn’t once open his eyes during the entire performance. He also looks constipated, as if he wants to take a giant crap, but can’t get it out. Seriously, watch it back on mute. The kid could hawk Pepto Bismol or something and make tons of cash. I’m sure his dad is reading this right now and calling the Pepto Bismol people as we speak. Randy pimps both awful performances, telling David that he was “tender and caressed each word.” Gross. Paula tells David that she felt his heart. That’s because his dad is holding it behind the judges table and won’t give it back until David makes the top 3. Simon tells David, “You didn’t beat the competition tonight, you crushed the competition tonight.” Just like David’s dad didn’t beat him last night… Oh wait. Yes he did. Oh, I guess my joke doesn’t work. Ah, child abuse.

If anyone has ANY common sense, they know Jason is gone. It’s a pity, because I’d love for him to stay, but there’s only a 0.0000001% chance of that happening. Maybe DCFS, the NAACP, and NADSS (the National Association for Douchebag Song Stealers) will get the other 3 disqualified and Jason can stay? No? Oh well. We’re going to have to pick a new worst, and I doubt I can get enthusiastic about any of these bores. So cross your fingers for Jason, but I think we all know he’s gone. So what to do? I’m considering having a colonoscopy instead of watching the show next week. Might be less painful and more interesting.

__________________________