Round 1: Lllllllllllllet's get ready to BUMBLLLLLLLLE!!!! God, those boxing metaphors made me want to punch my TV! And they kept gong with it through the whole fucking show! Dammit! In reality, Archuleta could not even last through one round of a boxing match, and I'm not just talking about the fact that the littel midget couldn't take a punch. No, what would do him in would be the fact that he would probably stop breathing about 30 seconds into Round 1. Stupid asthma.
Anyway, in Round 1, Cook sings "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." He does it passably well, although even Cook's ego is no match for a real rock star/savior/God complex/Jesus pretender like Bono, and his performance pales in comparison to the original. However, I honestly thought, for David Cook, this was one of his better performances of the season. Paula says somethign like, "We have found what we're looking for, and it's David Cook." Nice play on words, Paula. God, what a dumb bitch!
Archuleta, meanwhile, sings "Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me," and surprisingly he didn't change the lyrics to "Please, somebody, let your son go down on me!" His performance is really bland and does not compare to either the original Elton John version or the George Michael cover. Paula says something like, "The sun will never go down on your career." Genius. In my opinion, Round 1 goes to Cook.
Round 2: Round two is a draw, because both songs are ridiculously god awful Idol song contest tunes about reaching for that rainbow whilst riding on the back of a magical unicorn and flying so high I'll touch the sky and dreaming so big that my dream gland might swell up and then I might need some medical atteniton to make the swelling go down a little but all in all I'll pull through because you're my inspiration to make the world a happy place with your love and my mighty voice by my side on the wings of Jesus and a monkey clown sock head. Surprisingly, Paula did not say, "You guys dream so big/are in your moment right now." She must've forgotten her script.
Round 3: David Cook sings "The World I Know," which I thought he was supposed to sing a week ago, but it never happened. Anyway, the arrangement kind of did Cook in. it didn't have the sweeping strings or any of the bombast of the original. Still, again, I thought he sang it decently. And I don't even like David Cook! Meanwhile, Archuleta plays the obvious trump card and goes back to his only reall decent performance of the season, "Imagine." This time, however, I thought it sucked. Again, In my opinion, David Cook wins Round 3.
What does all this mean then? Nothing. Sorry, but I'm going to say it: Archie will be the winner, and Idol will live to regret it. Why? Because by the time Archie finally records and puts out an album, which I believe will take a while due to his father's perfectionism/meddling/abuse, his tweentard fanbase will have grown up a little into full fledged teentards, and their musical interests will have shifted somewhere else? Where? To musicians like David Cook. Cook's album will blow up, Archuleta will yet another Idol winner casualty, and his only career highlight afterwards will be his casting as an extra in the upcoming live action verison of The Hobbit. Enjoy your big, hairy prosthetic feet, Archie!
__________________________
http://notbaio.wordpress.com
|
Apparently this is the fight of the century according to Michael Buffer. Fight? David Cook is too out of shape to put up a good fight and Gaspy would probably die after one punch. I’d rather see Jorbacca fighting anyone with her wookie power. Or Taylor spazzing out and knocking someone in the head. Even Ruben Studdard sitting on someone would be more entertaining. But no, we’re stuck with these 2 jokers. And they can’t even make a finale that entertaining.
Clive Davis, who was recently demoted to a position where his corpse can rot without doing much, gets to pick the first song for each of the finalists. David Cook gets “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”. U2 is one of my least favorite bands ever, so this is appropriate for one of my least favorite TV shows ever. The performance is boring, but David’s vocals are pretty decent, unlike last week. I do hate this song, so if I can say he did decently, he must have performed magic or something. Randy says it was a great way to start off the duel of 2007. Dude, it’s 2008. Get a calendar. And while you’re at it, get a vocabulary, a real job, and make a CD that doesn’t suck. Paula says, “We have found David Cook and we will look no further.” I found him weeks ago. It’s not as if he’s running away, Paula. He’s on the show every week. This is not a challenge. Simon says that it was a phenomenal performance. I guess decent would translate into phenomenal since the talent has been watered down so much this year. I think that also raises bad to good and awful to decent. I won’t water down my critiques though, don’t worry.
All of the clips make fun of Gaspy for closing his eyes when he sings. Clive Davis picks the same fucking song he picks every year for every contestant, “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down On Me”. I guess you can’t teach an old corpse new tricks. As the song builds, Gaspy goes from sitting to standing to try to convey emotion. I guess that’s the best way he can do it, as when he sings, absolutely no believable emotion ever comes through. Puppets don’t have feelings. But again, this is a decent performance, and you can tell Gaspy is bringing his A game. Still, he needs to stop mistaking melisma for emotion. Just because you add 10 new notes, it doesn’t mean you feel the song. Randy says that the performance was “flawless and unbelievably molten hot.” Dude, stop saying that. Is someone paying you to say that as many times as possible this season to sound stupid? It’s not worth it. Lose the bet, my friend. Paula, who is being paid to get fucked up every week (by VFTW) says her heart is pounding and she has chills. Probably because when Castro went home, so did her stash. We’ve gotta get her something to ease the withdrawal symptoms. Simon says that last week Gaspy was ok, but this week was arguably the best he’s done so far. He also says, “Round one goes to Archuleta.” This causes Gaspy to cry, gasp, and say “Wow” a lot. I cannot wait for this kid’s post Idol interviews. Someone will throw a shoe at him.
For the second song, the Davids get to pick from 10 giant turds written by horrible songwriters. David selects “Dream Big”. It’s interesting that the first line obviously had the word “girl” in it to rhyme with “world”, so David took some chick song and pretends to rock it out with extra guitars. No matter what though, it’s still a song about rainbows, puppy dogs, and selling your credibility to be on a televised karaoke competition. Oops. Then as the song ends, he overscreams and kills my ear drums. Nice VFTW touch, but we’re not voting for you. You could sell records and you don’t have an annoying stage dad. Better luck next time. Randy says that Big Head was singing his face off. That might be entertaining actually. But no, he was just screaming. Paula is mesmerized. Guess Castro stopped by during the commercial break. Simon carries on the boxing metaphors for too long and says, “It was a bit of a lightweight” and ranks it a 6 and a half out of 10. Did the producers realize Cook would have no career if he won the show? I guess so! Who knew they’d figure it out this late in the game?
Gaspy picks a song called “In This Moment”. The screaming from the little girls in this song is so obnoxious that it drowns Gaspy out multiple times. The screaming literally stays in the background for most of the song. Good Lord. Now this song is the cheesefest we all love to hate, a la “This Is My Now”, complete with a crowd of tweenage girls swaying their hands out of time. Whoever had the idea for that pit should be fired immediately. I hope it was Nigel. And guess who didn’t listen to Andrew Lloyd Webber’s advice to stop closing his eyes? David goes back to squinting and looking constipated throughout the entire song. It’s quite funny actually. He then grabs his stomach as if he’s in more pain. If you watch the performance without sound, especially the second half, it’s a riot! It’s like a really bad Pepto Bismol commercial. As he reads this blog, Jeff Archuleta then quickly runs off to call Pepto Bismol to try to get Gaspy a side deal.
Start it at about 1:44 for maximum hilarity.
Randy says, for maybe the 20th time this season, that Gaspy could sing the phone book and it’d be good. This guy has to be a robot. No human can be this predictable, can they? *looks at Gaspy* Oh wait… nevermind. Paula says that Gaspy is on fire tonight. At least she didn’t say molten hot. Simon calls the song fantastically self-centered and gives Gaspy the victory for round 2 as well. Gaspy gasps in shock. And then falls over and dies. Jeff Archuleta then runs on stage and screams, “NOOOO!!!! Now I might have to actually work a day in my life!!! MY MEAL TICKET!!!!!” No wait, that was in my head. None of that last stuff happened.
To finish off the show, the contestants get to pick any song they’d like. Big Head picks “The World I Know” by Collective Soul. This guy has terrible taste in music. Seriously. I half expect him to do a Creed song at the finale. Disgusting. The song actually sounds pretty good on his voice, and there’s some real emotion to his singing, unlike Gaspy. Of course, David then ruins this by ending with a pussy falshitto note that sounds terrible. He then starts crying. And every rock record label that considered signing him suddenly rips up their contracts. Randy says this is the kind of record David should make. What, no molten hot lava? No phone book? Oh that’s right, he only says that stuff to Gaspy. Paula says nothing coherent. Simon tells David that he chose the wrong song and that he should have reprised “Billie Jean” or “Hello”. David seems pissed off and says he wanted to do something new and not just do what he’s already done. Do you know where you are, David? This… is American Idol. This show doesn’t award originality. It awards the same schlock that’s done over and over, especially if it has a glory note and lots of melisma. You should know this by now, since you were rewarded for doing other people’s songs over and over.
To prove exactly what I just said, Gaspy will now be rewarded for doing the same exact thing he did the second week by doing a note-for-note recreation of “Imagine”. David Archuleta is everything American Idol stands for: Walking robots who can sing Six Flags karaoke with big notes and have no relevance in today’s music industry. This really was one of the most self-indulgent and annoying performances of the season, as David clearly does not understand the song and just sings it because he’s been forced to by his dad since he was 10. The beauty of the song is in its simplicity and message, so adding the melisma is like taking a dump in a brand new jacuzzi (the hot tub, not the already forgotten 10th place singer from this year). It leaves a bad smell behind and ruins what everyone else loves about it. The judges will now jerk off into their Coke cups to tell Gaspy how much they like it though in 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… Randy says, “The best singer of season 7 is right there!” Paula says that David (and the drugs) have left her speechless. Simon says that we’ve witnessed a knockout and Gaspy starts to wheeze. Still no collapsing though. Could this be a VFTW Victory? Who’da thunk?
So let’s see. The kid who forgot the words to his original audition, forgot the words to at least 4 more performances throughout the season, can’t form a coherent sentence, and has an obnoxious stage dad that controls his every move could possibly be the next American Idol? Well hot damn, that’s hilarious! Let’s hope so. I shudder to think of tomorrow’s finale where Semencrest will inevitably be lame and say, “The winner… of American Idol 7… is…. David... (long pause).” The audience starts to laugh. I start to cut myself. We all win. But I think Archie should take the crown for my amusement factor. Will he? It’ll be close, and this is the first year I’m actually not sure who will win. David Cook clearly deserves the crown for being at least semi-relevant to music, but if Gaspy wins, it’ll be a lot funnier. Who am I kidding? I hate this show. It hasn't been funny since "I was thinking Bob Marley." But I’ll be watching next season. Why? Because I know that all of the people who are forced to watch this show need an outlet to vent about it. And VFTW will always be there. Like an island of love amidst a see of vomit. Let us be your vomit-free island. It’s been fun, and I’ll review the finale tomorrow before celebrating that I get 7 months where my Tuesday and Wednesday nights will be fulfilling. But then like a moth to a flame, I’ll dive back into the sea of vomit. Why? No one knows. Maybe I dropped a donut or something.
__________________________