Top 7- Lil Rounds Finally Talks Back, The Other Idols Put Me in a Coma

We’re about to embark on a historic evening, friends. For tonight, only 2 judges will comment on each performance since Bruce Gowers is such a monumental boob that he can’t make the show come in on time. And yet, the show will still run over by 4 minutes. How can this show be so terrible? I don’t know. I just know that it’s the worst show on television and I will continue to mock its overall incompetence as I tackle “sleepy ballads from shitty movies” night. If Adam hadn’t picked a song with a pulse, I might have offed myself due to pure boredom. But more on that later.

First, Allison Iraheta picks “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing”. Guest mentor Quentin Tarantino thinks she’ll do a good job, yet she proves him wrong when she’s hilariously awful. Usually I give Allison a lot of credit, but tonight is by far one of the worst performances she’s ever given. She seems lost in the odd string arrangement at the beginning, but when the song picks up, she still can’t seem to find her way. She’s adding too many runs to the song so that they all sound unnecessary, she is pronouncing all of the words incorrectly (is this a shoutout to Megan? Caw! Caw!), and she’s screaming for no reason. Overall, it’s a horrific train wreck and I love it. Paula says that Allison produces the same special sauce as Adam. Wait, Allison’s a dude? I should’ve known. She looks like a typical drag queen. And Simon says that Allison is the only hope for a female to win and that she’ll probably sail all the way to the end. After that? And I thought we just established that Allison is a man. Though I did appreciate Simon insulting the VFTW pick there early on. Way to get a dig in, Man Boobs. But he’s right. This train wreck is nothing compared to 2 that happen later on. I’m looking at you, Matt and Lil.

Anoop “Total Waste of Potential” Desai is up second and sings “Everything I Do I Do It For You.” The vocals are decent, but who cares? This guy is so bland and boring, I would rather listen to a Colbie Caillat record. I’d rather eat 10 white bread mayonnaise sandwiches. I’d rather watch a pot on the stove with Danny Gokey in it to see if it boils. OK, that last one would be fun. The judges like it, of course, because they love boring stuff. Randy says that Anoop has definitely found his zone in the last few weeks. And Kara says that Anoop’s place is taking a pop song and adding soul to it. She loved his connection to the song. So the judges like it and I am bored by it. What happened to this guy? He was supposed to be a fun VFTW pick way back when. Now he’s just fodder for the other soul singers. Go home, Anoop.

Adam Lambert is the only one to pick a fast song tonight. Thank you, Adam. Even though you’ve become incredibly predictable (slow song one week, campy song the next week), at least you’re interesting. Hear that, Anoop? I am loving that this guy will probably win, since he’s a nightmare in the making for 19E. He’s such a fun train wreck, and his screeching is always a delight after a power ballad. It’s especially needed tonight. I can’t say I’m a full on Adam fan when he picks slow songs, but I do love the campy stuff. Paula says that fortune awards the brave, and Adam is one of the bravest contestants she’s ever witnessed. Simon says that the performance was like watching the Rocky Horror musical, which Adam takes as a compliment (as he should), even though Simon meant it as an insult. Simon says part of the audience will love that (little girls and VFTW) and part will despise it (anyone who likes Gokey and other boring people).

Matt Giraud signs his death notice in the fourth spot with “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman.” His melisma is off key and he’s adding too many runs, just like Allison did. The problem is at least Allison saved it by moving around like a crazy person. Matt is sitting still at the piano, so the imperfections are magnified. When he hits the bridge, his voice cracks and the vocals are beyond horrible. This guy is clearly going home now. Randy says that Matt added too much to the song and that he fell down in more places than he won. The audience barely boos. Kara still goes for the “you have to pick either soul or rock” thing where she chastises Matt for switching genres yet again, showing she has no idea what she’s talking about. Kara really should either pick to dress like a stripper or dress like a hooker. This back and forth each week is unacceptable. Pick one and stick with it, Kara.

Danny Gokey sings “Endless Love” and is just as annoying as usual. Quentin Tarantino tells Danny to stop doing stupid shit with his hands during the performance. So what does Danny do? Stupid shit with his hands during the performance. What a jackass. His pitch is terrible at the beginning and it doesn’t get much better. But in a night of horrible singers, admittedly Gokey is only in the middle of the pack. Paula says that Danny grabs her in the beginning, wows her in the middle, and slays her in the end. Wait, is that what happened to his wife? Simon calls Danny a “brilliant singer” so I just automatically tuned out his irrelevant opinion after that.

Kris Allen picks the most boring song in the world, “Falling Slowly.” And slowly he falls. Monkey Man is definitely losing his status as someone who could win the competition, so there’s the falling. And the song takes forever to finish since it’s so sluggish, there’s the slowly. Randy says that the song was pitchy from note one, which is true. Kara says that this was one of Kris’s best moments. Clearly Kara is talking about the orgasm she achieved thinking about nailing Kris while beating his wife over the head with a blunt object. Paula didn’t get to give a critique here because she was too busy daydreaming of smoking a blunt object. Yet even though only 2 judges critique each performance, the show is still going over on time. How is this possible? Are monkeys (Kris Allen’s family) running the control room?

Lil Rounds gets the pimp spot, yet makes every effort to make this a moot point. She picks “The Rose”, one of the most overdone karaoke songs ever. The vocal is probably one of her worst ever. Listen to it back without any video and you can pick up every off key moment (which is almost every note). Even when she tries to make the song a gospel track, it sounds horrible and forced. Then she ends the song with a note that quickly goes off key so she just ends it abruptly as “the rooooooo.” No “s” sound. She knew to cut her losses because she just sucked the big one. Paula had nothing to say about the horrible performance, so she gives an adage about a road being long but it being worth it at times. Simon cuts to the choice and says there are no excuses anymore and that he’s frustrated with how bad she is. Lil takes the opportunity to finally talk back and tell off the judges. She chastises them for telling her to be an artist and switch up the genre of a song last week, because they insulted her when she did it this week. You tell ‘em, Lil. She looks pissed off, and this moment is incredibly uncomfortable for everyone watching. Clearly that was the VFTW moment of the night. Lil, you didn’t disappoint. Thanks for that! I love Lil’s bitch faces when she is pissed at Simon. Though next week, please pick a really campy song. You know you only have a week or two left in you, so go out with a bang instead of a ballad whimper.

Going home: Matt Giraud. I can’t see it happening any other way. And rounding out the bottom 2 would be Kris Allen with one of either Anoop or Lil. Depends on who gets more votes, because Anoop was good but boring, and Lil was horrible but got the pimp spot. But at least the guy with the giant growth on his forehead is leaving so I can now enjoy dinner while watching the show without worrying about spontaneously vomiting. Just kidding, Matt seems like an OK guy, but the VFTW steamroller is going to crush him while we take Lil as far as we can.

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