Top 4 Rock Week - Karaoke Gokey Hits the Worst Note in Idol History

Man, when we choose a VFTW pick, they always make sure to deliver. During rock week, Danny Gokey made a mockery of the show by believing his own hype so much that he thought he could rock out. I still can’t stop laughing while thinking of how horrible Danny was this week. Rock week must have been a thank you to VFTW for sitting through the last few weeks of boredom. Thank you, Idol. Thank you very much.

First up, Adam Lambert tackles “Whole Lotta Love.” It’s a good choice for Adam. I can’t say the vocal was amazing, but I was actually back to watching Adam and waiting to see what he’d do next. I haven’t cared since he did “Ring of Fire”, so I’ll give him props for working the stage for the first time since the top 11. He did add his own brand of screeching vagina to the song that went off key a bit, but I still think he pulled it off much better than any of the others this week. He’s also dressed like an awesome rock tranny this week. Randy says that no one will think about Broadway tonight because Adam’s a rock star. Simon calls it one of his favorite performances from Adam and says that no one will top it tonight. Could Simon know that because *gasp* he watches the dress rehearsals?

Allison Iraheta tackles “Crybaby.” The vocals start off good for the most part, but the performance is not as confident as normal. Allison misses more and more notes as the performance goes on, but she hides it pretty well. She also tried to add way too much to the song, resulting in looking a little silly. It wasn’t that bad, but it was one of her weaker performances.  Randy says, “I did not love that song choice for you. I thought there were better vehicles… like trains. Did you know I’m the celebrity headliner for National Train Day? Yeah, someone actually hired me. Crazy, right? Yo, listen. Trains are a great form of transportation, dawg.” Kara couldn’t help herself but to rattle off songs she would rather have heard Allison sing. Shut up, broken record. Simon enjoyed Allison’s confidence, but wishes she had chosen the Queen song. Allison corrects Simon, saying the “Somebody To Love” she wanted to sing was Jefferson Airplane. Simon gets annoyed and rolls his eyes, saying “Allison, just beg.” Allison shoots back, “You’re always saying I don’t talk enough so maybe I should talk a lot.” You tell him, girl. Honestly I like Allison. Even though she’s not an excellent singer, her quirkiness appeals to me, so I can’t rake her over the coals too much. If Adam makes it to the finals without Danny, I’d hope Allison makes it there rather than Kris. Kris is a wasted space.

Kris Allen and Danny Gokey duet next on “Renegade.” These guys are not rockers at all and it’s painfully obvious. Even comical. And when the two try to harmonize, the backup singers drown them out so I can’t hear what they sound like anyway. Pretentious and terrible. Randy said, “The individual vocals were ok, but the harmonies were on blast. You know the last time I had a blast? When I rode a train. Dawg, trains are molten hot!” Kara says that she’s not sure the guys could hear themselves up there. And Simon patronizes Kris by saying Danny had a better vocal. Danny of course whines and says that he couldn’t hear himself on the stage and they didn’t have a dress rehearsal to practice. God, this smug douche just makes himself more VFTW worthy by the minute.

Fodder Monkey sings 3rd and attempts “Come Together.” But Kris is way too boring to do this song. His relaxed delivery and monkey faces don’t work with a rock song. The vocals aren’t as bad as Allison, but this performance is much worse just due to the fact that it doesn’t work at all on any level. Kris should’ve done his light rock thing or at least picked a power ballad or something if he wanted to keep up his Adult Contemporary streak. Randy says, “For me, I know you’re not really this kind of rock guy. You know what I appreciate though? Trains. They’re so good at getting people from place to place, dawg.” Kara actually gives good feedback and says Kris was trying too hard. Simon compares the performance to eating ice for lunch because it leaves you with nothing afterwards. Anorexic girls around the country look at their TV screens with puzzled looks.

And now for the highlight of the evening. Danny Gokey is going to sing “Dream On.” It’s finally happened. Idol has made one contestant so overly confident in his abilities, he attempts a song he should never touch and completely murders it by giving one of the worst performances in Idol history. Starting out, Danny isn’t that bad yet. When he holds out the word “pay” it goes out of tune and he continues to hold it anyway… a sign of things to come. Then Danny attempts to inject attitude into the song, but the problem is that the Killsbury Doughboy doesn’t have any rock sensibility. At one point he improvises the phrase “doo doo doo doop” in the song. Who “doops” in a rock song? Hilarious! But the worst is still yet to come. As Danny wraps the song up, he starts doing the patented Steven Tyler scream, but with his gravely voice and lack of singing ability, it comes out as a hilarious shriek. And then the very last note ends up being 4-5 notes in complete dissonance with any possible musical score you can think of. Dogs start jumping at their TV screens. Mariah Carey throws her television out the window. Glass shatters. California falls off the US and floats away into the ocean. And yet, Danny still thinks he did a good job. That’s a level of delusion every good VFTW pick needs. Randy says, “Yo, I’ll give you one thing… it was a train wreck. Get it? I keep talking about trains. Dawg, you suck.” Kara says that Danny took the comments to add more edge and swagger to his performances too far. She also recommends that he should sing early Aerosmith instead, like “Crazy” or “Cryin.” This bitch is so stupid that she thinks 90’s Aerosmith is older than their first single. Simon calls it over the top and compares Danny’s scream to a horror movie. But the judges are still basically polite, which is funny to watch. Danny looks pissed off and tells Ryan, “I gotta go back and listen to it. I could be right. What I heard up here wasn’t as bad as what they said.” Well then, we didn’t get to anoint the first blind Idol in Scott, but we can produce the first deaf Idol in Karaoke Gokey.

Allison and Adam then end the show with their duet of “Slow Ride.” It is easily the best performance of the night because, well, the others weren’t that good. Paula calls the two a perfect marriage, unlike the judging panel. Yeah, and Kara made it into some freaky polygamist cult. We all knew Randy and Paula could be married and Simon was clearly married to himself. But adding someone new fucks it all up. Simon says that the duet may have saved Allison, probably because he knows Allison is easily dispensable in the top 3 whereas Kris may pose competition for the others.

And even though we only have 6 performances, you guessed it, the show STILL goes over on time. Bruce Gowers is an incompetent fuckboob. Going home tomorrow… I’d have to guess Kris. I would have said Allison before the show aired, but she’ll get plenty of sympathy votes. If Danny goes home, I’d still laugh though, because I hate him. But if he wins, I’d laugh much more. Scream on, Gokey. Scream on.

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