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It’s Idol’s 300th episode. Another episode to run longer than an hour even though we’re only watching 6 fucking minute-and-thirty-second performances. That’s 9 minutes. How can you possibly not fit this in an hour? It doesn’t matter though. Because I found Jesus tonight while watching 6 bad performances. And he has a message of good news for the devoted Worsters: Danny Gokey will stay. How do I know? Jesus has some good news for you coming up in a bit. So keep the faith and read on.

Danny Gokey sang first and got to perform “Dance Little Sister” due to Paula’s song choice. Either Paula is a Worster or someone wanted to see the unintentional comedy of Danny trying to dance again. His thrusting and foot movements are ridiculous. Danny screams the entire song, probably taking a page from Adam’s book, but it’s even less effective with Danny’s constipated faces. Danny also gets to scat while a saxophone solo takes center stage. First, why did he decide to scat? America don’t care for jazz. And secondly, his scatting sounds exactly like a coprophiliac getting off, so he’s right on the money there. Perfect. Kara is happy to see Danny sticking to his “money tone” because it sounds dirty to her. Paula is clearly sauced tonight and says she loved Danny’s dancing. Simon calls the dancing desperate but says that vocally he was “very very good.” Danny then tells Ryan he already sees himself in the finale next week. Shades of FaFu and loving it.

Kris Allen receives Randy and Kara’s song choice of One Republic’s “Apologize”. He’s doing the lame, non-remixed version that really blows. And when we get a close up of Pocket Fodder, the monkey faces are in full force. This is Kris’s worst performance in weeks, as all of his falsetto notes are horribly off key so he invariably just stops singing them halfway through the song. Kris also hits one glorious bum note when he sings “Ooh hey yeah,” but like everything Kris does, it’s still not enthralling at all. Kara says that Kris didn’t really make the song his own, which prompts Simon to remark that Kara “can’t choose a song for him then blame him for doing the song.” This then leads the judges to let out all of the frustration that has been percolating all season in an orgy of an argument that lasts a few minutes. Simon mocks Kara. Paula drunkenly mumbles. Kara puts her hands on Simon’s mouth. It’s all just so pointless, but it does point out the various mental issues the judges need to work on. Maybe Kara will bring it up in therapy this week rather than discuss how she was never good enough for daddy.

Adam Lambert sings third and has the song “One” which Simon personally cleared by calling Bono on the phone. Who cares, U2 is an awful band and their songs suck. Adam’s vocals are crisp, pleasant, and clear at the beginning. But then he starts his trademarked screeching and it all goes to hell. His screeching is worse this week than normal, it’s just more offensive and off key, like a cat dying. Not as bad as Danny’s infamous moment from “Dream On”, but still nowhere near listenable. Also, we get the patented Idol camera circle around Adam that we have to see every single week. This was one of Adam’s weakest vocals ever, but surely the judges will perform a circle jerk. Randy says that Adam has been hot since day one and has unbelievable vocals. You’re right, Randy. I couldn’t believe them either. Kara said something about Adam’s instrument and then did a fake British accent to taunt Simon. Simon ignores Kara to remind her how insignificant she is. He also says that if Adam is not in the final next week, it will be one of the biggest upsets in Idol history. Why is Simon so worried about Adam’s spot in the finale that he has to whore out some votes for him? Is Simon finally getting the gay lovin’ his closeted ass so desires? Adam reminds us at the end that if we rewind back the song and listen to the lyrics, they are really beautiful. Too bad I couldn’t understand the words while they were yelped at me while Adam’s balls were in a vice.

Idol Gives Back then gives an update on how their money has done good for charities, yet Idol isn’t doing it this year. Hypocrites. Farmbot does a programmed jig, and Emotion Chip 2.0 enables her to feel sympathy for the humanoids.

And just before Danny Gokey is set to perform for the second time, my doorbell rings. I thought it was a friend of my boyfriend’s who was supposed to be dropping something off, but instead it was two older men in suits. They introduce themselves and ask me if I found a church in the area that I attend. Dumfounded, I stared at them for a minute wondering when local churches started going door-to-door before I replied, “I’m kind of busy right now.” One of the men told me that was fine and that he had a brochure for me that would tell me how I would know if I was getting into heaven. I took the brochure and said goodbye to get back to the crapfest of Idol. And as I wondered whether Danny would stick around tonight, I looked down at the brochure. The cover said, “Good News! It is possible through Jesus Christ!” It’s a sign, people. Danny Gokey is not going home. Jesus has deemed it so. I’m so glad he is concerned about Idol, especially with other less important things he could be doing like curing cancer and ending wars. As an added indication, the brochure was printed in Germantown, Wisconsin, only 22 miles outside of Milwaukee. It’s fate, people. Go go Gokey!

Danny Gokey goes for the sympathy vote with his selection, “You Are So Beautiful.” The arrangement is terrible and boring. Danny just keeps making stupid faces and singing “Ohhh” over and over halfway through the song. It’s not as if there are more than 6 words to this song anyway, so how is it that Danny isn’t singing them? I deem this a pussy performance. The judges lap it up for some reason. Randy changes up his “you can really sing” comment by instead saying “you can really, really, really sing.” Way to add some diversity to your analysis, Randy. Simon then calls it a vocal master class. Could Simon possibly be picturing Danny as the kid in the back of the vocal master class throwing spitballs at the teacher? Otherwise, I have nothing.

Kris Allen takes on Kanye West’s “Heartless.” This is funny for too many reasons to count. The song is famous for being an autotune catastrophe of computer technology, so Kris decides to show off his vocal chops by performing it. Kris has to literally make up a melody for the song because it has none. He also looks like the kid who gets up at open mic in the coffee house to do an acoustic version of a song right before the place closes so people get sleepy enough to leave. The performance is sinking fast into horrible territory. Then, for the coup de grace, Kris is singing lyrics like “You better watch the way you talkin’ to me” and “And yo I did some things but that’s the old me.” It’s almost as funny as hearing Gaspy sing “I need you, boo” last season. Kris can’t pull off Kanye’s self-aggrandizing persona, so the whole thing seems like a joke that goes over everyone’s heads. Randy says that Kris’s performance is better than the original. Well duh, a version of me recoding myself farting into a microphone is better than the original. Paula says that Kris was brave to sing a song about Simon Cowell. Aw, snap. Simon says that he had written off Kris, but that performance changed his mind.

Adam Lambert closes out the show for the third straight week (ya think the show wants him to win?) with some “early Aerosmith” as Kara would say (she’s so stupid). Adam’s performace of “Cryin” is even more off key than “One” because the backup singer is horrendous. Seriously. The woman is screaming things that aren’t real notes. So when Adam attempts to harmonize, he sounds terrible. This is beyond painful to listen to. I guess it’s a slight compliment to Adam though that he isn’t blending with the terrible backup singer. I would suggest firing her, but I’d like to keep her around for next year so all of the performances are even more cacophonous and hilarious. Paula says that Adam set the bar so high, he should be getting frequent flyer miles and flying for free now. Paula is clearly flying high right now, so she knows all about that. Simon then literally begs the viewers at home to vote for Adam. This is the most pathetic show of favoritism the show has ever presented. If people at home don’t vote for Adam, who cares? Simon says, “It’s very easy to assume you’ll sail through to the final next week. The show is about finding a star and I want everyone to not assume that you’ll be there and to vote for you based on talent.” Adam must now lose at any cost. When Simon sells his soul and puts aside his shtick to beg America to vote for someone for the first time ever, you know there’s something wrong here.

Who’s going home? I got the good news right next to me, so Danny is safe, as told by Psalm 13:29 (“And I, the Lord your God, deemed the Dead Wife Whoring Douche shall make the top 2 of Idol and reap the fruit of Kara’s loins.”) So that means Kris is gone. Adam leaving would be much funnier though and I want that to happen. Then again, if that were to happen, my brochure would’ve said “GREAT news.”