I have never seen someone thrown under the bus with such conviction. Bravo, producers and judges. You all but already eliminated Jason Castro before he even sang a note last week, so you're just finishing the job tonight. So what does Jason do? In typical stoner fashion, not give a shit. And it was awesome! Jason’s antics tonight were legendary, even if the rest of the night was a snooze. Even when the contestants get to pick their own songs, we learn that they have really awful taste or have no idea what suits their voice. Thus, the 500 Songs that Shaped Rock and Roll became the 8 Songs that People Will Forget About By Next Week.

This week may be one of the most painful weeks of American Idol ever. Whoever created the Neil Diamond theme week should be boiled alive in Brooke White’s acidic tears. At least last week we had some really fun moments and some decent performances. This week, every single performance was bad or, at best, mediocre. And only one of those “bad” performances was VFTW worthy (of course, from Brooke). The only saving grace to this show was a train wreck of a moment from Paula when she wasn’t paying attention and slipped up that she doesn’t watch any of the performances. Classic!

Who knew Andrew Lloyd Webber night would be one of the most entertaining nights of the year? Now mind you, I didn’t say it was entertaining. I said “one of the most entertaining.” When you compare shit on a stick to plain shit, shit on a stick seems kind of cool. The producers went a step further to single out the ones they hate in a ridiculously transparent way by making them sing in the first 3 spots. And we actually got 2 decent performances for those of you who like good performances (FOOLS!) Don’t worry though, train wrecks abound and Brooke steps up to the plate and hits a VFTW home run.

Every year we hear the same thing from the judges. “Whoa, I don’t know if you should be singing the big divas like Whitney, Mariah, Celine… you’ll always be compared.”  So to remedy this, Idol has an entire night devoted to Mariah Carey songs. What? Well, it’s clear sign that Idol has jumped the shark, the lake, the ocean, heck the entire planet. But it does provide a great VFTW performance from Kristy Lee Cook.

Really, this show has become a chore to watch. The lackluster cast makes me miss Haley Scarnato. The repetitive judge comments haven’t been funny for years. And this year’s theme might as well be “Songs David Archuleta Already Knows” every week. Except for Beatles week. Because to be fair, who has ever heard of the Beatles? Some obscure Australian guy who sings like a monkey? Of course I’ve heard of him! Beatles? Huh? *nervous laugh* *GASP* *licks lips* *falls down from being starved by stage dad*

So why do I watch? Because this week could produce hilarious results. This week the frontrunners were shitty and the shitty were actually decent. I am hoping against hope that this will lead to an entertaining train wreck of a results show where someone who would have otherwise been in the top 4 will go home. Please make it so, every deity in every religion. It can save the show!

Dolly Parton night came two seasons too late for Kellie Pickler, but I’ll take this night as an homage to VFTW’s very own Dolly Jr. What am I saying? These people suck, and not in a fun way. We had some actual decent performances tonight, but most were sleep inducing or stereotypical dreck. But I think we all know by now that this show is painful to watch. Who did well and who needs to blow the judges to stick around for Idol Gives Head during the Most.Boring.Season.Ever?

Oh my God. This is the worst season of television in the history of television. See:
4th Worst: Married By America
3rd Worst: Celebrity Boxing
2nd Worst: Cavemen
1st Worst: American Idol, Season 7

I have a list. I must be right. I also have a hit list, and currently at the top are the people who greenlit “songs from the year you were born” week. It was terrible, as there was not one good performance all night. And most of the performances were sleep inducing. Even if you’re a fantard and you just agree with the judges, that means you would think only David Cook and Michael Johns were good. So the judges found 8 of the top 10 to be less than good. But it’s not even in a VFTW way. It’s in a boring way.

Ballads are boring, Kristy is whoring, the audience is snoring. I cannot believe anyone is still watching this show based on talent. I've seen more talent at a middle school talent show where the kids make armpit noises and sing Soulja Boy songs. Even worse than the nonexistent talent on this show is the fact that apparently Idol has turned into a giant Apple commercial. It's gotten so shameless that iTunes and the iPhone were pimped out at least 5 times in the episode. We might as well have had Steve Jobs pounding Seacrest in the rear for the entire episode, it would have had the same effect but could have been slightly more watchable in a "can't look away" disgusting kind of way. Either way, Apple has raped Idol of its tiny bit of decency, and the contestants raped the remainder of the Beatles catalog. All together now, this is the worst top 11 ever.