Dave's False Idols
If there’s one thing to be learned from Las Vegas, it’s that it’s the VFTW capital of the US. Why else did they show maybe 2 good auditions the entire night while everyone else tried their hardest to get votes from this site? That sad looking girl who gives out the golden tickets didn’t have anything to do, so she looked even more bored than usual. Haven’t we seen enough bad singer montages, though? I mean really, the “I Will Survive” montage was even lamer than usual. Vegas produced many false idols that didn’t make it through and just one contender who may very well be the man VFTW is looking for.
The fourth audition city that we luckily get to watch the judges argue in is San Francisco. As the intro reminded us, this was the home of William Hung, so VFTW was sure to find some great talent here, right? Well the talent was about the same as always, but the judges proved that they were the stalest part of the show. As if they weren’t all ready walking caricatures, the judges invoked their time tested catch phrases to phone in their performances. Oddly enough, Paula was the most coherent (who ever thought I’d say that!) and actually offered some interesting feedback for once. Simon was also a bit too bitchy to talk, leaving Randy to rely on some old standbys to get us through the episode. So, to fully enjoy this episode, I invite you to play the “Randy Jackson Disjointed Phrases” drinking game. As if you need a reason to get drunk after watching this show, you can play along by rewatching this episode and taking a drink (if you’re a youngin’, grape juice will do) every ti me Randy says any of these phrases:
American Idol has the distinct talent to take any small amount of interesting footage and stretch it to fit a much longer time frame. Now, I didn’t say that they do it well. But if they can take a results show and stretch it out to an hour, surely they can stretch an audition show to 2 hours. Once again, I didn’t say that they could do it well.
Greensboro, North Carolina is the next stop on the “I want to embarrass myself” world tour, and let’s just say that it’s a colorful place without much talent. Though a VFTW talent scout could mine for gold in them there parts! Girls were dressed ridiculously and looked faker than those end of the episode staged song montages (“Fame”? Seriously?) And the guys were even worse. Appropriately, some odd version of the Macarena played during the middle of the episode, because this was truly a mixture of some of the weirdest people on the planet. Who had what it takes to impress the VFTW? Some didn’t make it to Hollywood, some did, and one feisty female gave Paula the golden shower of a lifetime.
Greensboro, North Carolina is the next stop on the “I want to embarrass myself” world tour, and let’s just say that it’s a colorful place without much talent. Though a VFTW talent scout could mine for gold in them there parts! Girls were dressed ridiculously and looked faker than those end of the episode staged song montages (“Fame”? Seriously?) And the guys were even worse. Appropriately, some odd version of the Macarena played during the middle of the episode, because this was truly a mixture of some of the weirdest people on the planet. Who had what it takes to impress the VFTW? Some didn’t make it to Hollywood, some did, and one feisty female gave Paula the golden shower of a lifetime.
Being that we’re still watching the audition stage, you lucky readers will get two doses of False Idols for the next few weeks. You seriously don’t have to write and thank me, I’m just doing my job. There are people reading this, right?
Denver produced some interesting talent and some Paula Abdul wannabes. I agree with Simon that the versions of “Straight Up” and “Rush Rush” that were performed in Denver far outshined the originals. Whatever happened to that Debbie Gibson anyway? Here were the VFTW wannabes who failed, the bad singers who made it through, and our false idol of the week (part 2).
Denver produced some interesting talent and some Paula Abdul wannabes. I agree with Simon that the versions of “Straight Up” and “Rush Rush” that were performed in Denver far outshined the originals. Whatever happened to that Debbie Gibson anyway? Here were the VFTW wannabes who failed, the bad singers who made it through, and our false idol of the week (part 2).
I’m sure you’ve read plenty of recaps for American Idol where the great singers are praised and the competition is analyzed. Really though, why should you care if random guy #1 from Idolsaresocool.com thinks that Bo Bice is talented? If you’re at this website, we know you don’t care about that kind of talent. You recognize that the best part of this show is the bad talent. That tool Ryan Seacrest asked us, “Will Chicago produce the next American Idol?” And I can safely say after this episode: no. Not a chance. But will Chicago produce the next VFTW idol? It’s a good possibility!
So, we start our journey in Chicago tonight where the really bad people go through rounds of auditions just to make it to Paula, Randy, and Pouty. These people are wonderfully delusional enough that they have ignored all of the laughs and stares through each and every round. They actually think they’re one of the talented few that are going to shine for America. And this is why I love them. So I’m not going to waste your time reminiscing about Mandisa because I know you don’t care. There were many VFTW contenders who were cut early. There were even some amazingly awful people who made it to Hollywood. Here were the highlights of the evening:
So, we start our journey in Chicago tonight where the really bad people go through rounds of auditions just to make it to Paula, Randy, and Pouty. These people are wonderfully delusional enough that they have ignored all of the laughs and stares through each and every round. They actually think they’re one of the talented few that are going to shine for America. And this is why I love them. So I’m not going to waste your time reminiscing about Mandisa because I know you don’t care. There were many VFTW contenders who were cut early. There were even some amazingly awful people who made it to Hollywood. Here were the highlights of the evening:
THE FALLEN
Julian Riano started off the evening by doing the splits. Determined not to get GLAAD even more angry at them, the judges allowed Julian to sing a song about lemon trees. Admittedly, this was probably one the best song choices I have ever heard on Idol. When the line “The fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat” is in the song, you know it’s just asking for this site’s endorsement. It’s no “You get that support check in the mail, you open it and you’re like what the hell”, but it’ll do. Thanks for that truly odd song choice, Julian, because if I hear one more “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”, I may go drown myself in a river wide enough.