Dave's False Idols
Semifinals Group 1 - "I just sat on the hard part."
Ranking the American Idol 8 Top 36 on Their VFTW Potential
So we have a lot of VFTW love this year. The contestants must really want our support. And it’s amazing! And since I sure as hell am not writing a recap of the chair episode, and since I already had the top 36 list before the episode aired, I put together a list of the current contenders. They all receive a grade from A+ (Tatiana) to F- (Danny “I Can’t Stand to See Him Again” Gokey) based on their V FTW potential. 13 contestants received a C or higher, meaning over 1/3 of these people could easily become the VFTW pick. And we could have some surprises. So without further ado, here is the list of people that we’ll most likely be voting for during the next 14 weeks.
Tatiana Del Toro – A+
Hollywood Part 3 - Staring at the Wall for an Hour
So even though the cast is VFTW worthy, why the hell did we have to sit through an hour just to see 4 rooms hear yes or no? And why the hell do we have to sit through 2 hours tomorrow to see people in chairs hear yes or no? Oh well, it’ll all be worth it when Tatiana gets her spot in the top 36 and the tweens and frauen throw a fit. I love Tatiana Del Toro and I am not afraid to admit it. She will single handedly save this show if she can somehow make it to the top 10.
Hollywood Group Rounds - I <3 Tatiana
Either I’m completely wasted, or these past few Idol episodes have been some of the best ever. The producers must love us to put so many entertaining train wrecks on one stage for us! The groups have always brought on the drama, and here we go again. Everyone’s yawning and falling asleep because they’ve been forced to watch the show while waiting to perform. Carly Smithson blogged that she and Michael Johns were mentors for tonight’s group rounds, but smartly, the show cut them out. Probably because even though the contestants this year are uglier, no one scares little children like Carly. But the show is delivering the drama in the best way with a fresh batch of VFTW victories each night.
First Day of Hollywood - "It’s On My Skin and Bursts Out of Me Every Time I’m On Stage."
147 random singers that were decent at blowing the judges have made it to Hollywood. Ryan calls this year’s talent unbelievable. I call it decent. There were some decent people tonight that made me root for them. There were some obnoxious people that made me root for them even more. There were some complete train wrecks. And then there’s Von.
New York and San Juan Auditions - Wait... I Actually Liked These People? Am I Alright?
You know what? I actually liked this episode. I know, right? Knock me down with a fucking feather. But New York City and Puerto Rico brought us some totally awesome VFTW picks, so I can’t complain. For once, I didn’t want to shoot myself while watching the show. Now mind you, I did get bored in parts. The producers clearly still have no idea how to put a television show together. But it’s like they’re finally trying a little harder. So good for them. I’ll get them a big boy ribbon and an ice cream cone! I do have to warn you though, I don’t make as many jokes this time around because I actually enjoyed some of these people. More snark to return in the next recap.
Salt Lake City Auditions - Grate the Parmesan, Please
We open up the Salt Lake City auditions with Paula telling us that this is the city where High School Musical is filmed. Wow, what an accomplishment. It’s also the home of the Osmond family. And guess what? Randomly, an Osmond decides to try out for Idol. What a coincidence! David Osmond, son of Alan, nephew of Donny and Marie, talks about his plantiness, but then switches it up to add in his sob story about having MS and previously being wheelchair bound. Didn’t see that curveball coming. But when he sings “Something Within Me”, he’s definitely an Osmond, cheese and all. The melisma is turned up to Von levels and his voice is quite grating, probably because it’s so cheesy. Get it? Cheese grating? See, I pulled an Osmond style joke. Kill me now. The judges all don’t know about him. Kara says that when he adds too many runs to his song, it doesn’t tell us what kind of artist he’ll be. Here’s a hint, Kara. He’s an Osmond. And as if his audition wasn’t already a waste of time, he pulls the “I didn’t get a ticket… oh yes I did” fake out.
Jacksonville Auditions - Besides Julissa? Next.
Well, I hoped that this episode would be good. But of course, I was foolish. This show is never good. And the Jacksonville auditions were probably the worst yet. Only one person really entertained me. The rest were too busy reading the producers’ scripts about how Jacksonville was named after Randy Jackson. Seriously? That’s the best line the show could come up with? I don’t think I can do this anymore. I guess I’ll have to wait anxiously for the return of VFTW Queen Von Smith and his specrapular melisma. Because this episode was so bad, I will cut off my commentary on contestants when I get bored of them.
So this is the first live Idol show of the year. The time when VFTW really gets started and the unscripted chaos happens. The judges do not call this group the “best ever” because clearly they’re not. But for entertainment purposes, we do have a few standouts.
One person I loved was Jackie Tohn. If it hadn’t been for Tatiana, I would have loved to vote for Jackie. From her crazy purple blazer in her interview to her polka dot top/leggings performance outfit, this girl dresses to make us proud. She’s fun! She jazzes up “A Little Less Conversation” with some growling, dancing, and jumping around, and I bet most people just stared at the screen thinking, “Huh?” I’ve gotta admire someone so quirky. The judges clearly aren’t sure what to say, so Randy says he likes her trousers. Jackie says the trousers like Randy. Simon says that Jackie played the clown tonight and that she blew her opportunity on something silly. That wasn’t silly. That was VFTW. Entertaining and odd. Good on you, Jackie. I only wish you were in a different group from Tatiana. I totally would have supported you. Hopefully Paula convinces the others to bring Jackie back for the wildcard.