Dave's False Idols
Louisville Auditions - You're Going Back To Hollywood, Little Plants
San Francisco Auditions - Tatiana Shines, Akila Whines, Adam's Fine, and Jesus's Design
Is it just me or is the show getting slightly better? Oh, I know what it is. The show isn’t on for 2 fucking hours. That makes it better by default. Seacrest reminds us that Katharine McPhee and William Hung were found in San Francisco. That’s a lot of suck to live up to, but I bet the contestants can handle it. It turns out that San Fran brings us so much VFTW potential, I can hardly contain myself.
Kansas City Auditions - Kara's Horny But The Guys Are All Gay
American Idol returns with 2 more hours of unwatchable nonsense and I start to regret saying I would write a blog each week. That’s a lotta show to recap. But when Idol touches down in Kansas City, thankfully, it’s more entertaining than Phoenix. That’s not to say the show is good. But at least there were some semi-fun moments tonight. Not among those moments? Jason Castro showing up in the first five minutes. Why are they still giving this money hungry loser screen time? I did learn two things tonight though. Kara DioGuardi is horny. Very horny. And most of the guys in Kansas City are fabulously gay and VFTW worthy.
Phoenix Auditions- "What a nightmare. This show's a joke." So true, pink shirt girl.
“In life, the microphone passes by your lips just once… you better take that opportunity.” – David Foster
“Kill me now.” – Me
I can’t believe Idol’s back already. It feels like just yesterday I was clearing my mind of Carly Smithson’s facial expressions and David Archuleta’s ridiculous gasping. But already we have a brand new crop of wannabes who still haven’t learned that the show is not a real talent competition. I’d call them poor saps, but they know better by now. So to help you through this terrible show, I give you the gift of humor. My name is Dave, and some of you may know me. Some of you may not. But I write a blog. And I mock American Idol. Not all of you will like my blogs. Only the smart and funny ones will. The rest of you will grow to hate me and post about how I am biased and miserable, living in my parents’ basement. Well, you know what? They make me grilled cheese sandwiches that are cut diagonally and they taste great, so there. Let the games begin. This… is Dave’s False Idols. And surprisingly I did not throw my television against the ground after 5 minutes of this show. Yet.
Top 2- Awful Boxing Metaphors Make Dave Cry
Apparently this is the fight of the century according to Michael Buffer. Fight? David Cook is too out of shape to put up a good fight and Gaspy would probably die after one punch. I’d rather see Jorbacca fighting anyone with her wookie power. Or Taylor spazzing out and knocking someone in the head. Even Ruben Studdard sitting on someone would be more entertaining. But no, we’re stuck with these 2 jokers. And they can’t even make a finale that entertaining.
Top 3- I Need You Boo... I Mean Daddy. I'm Forgetting My Words Again!
This show sucks. Thankfully, as one stoner is cast into the ocean, another stone is turned over. Presenting The David Archuleta 2008. He forgets his words and he has an annoying stage dad that will ensure he makes bad decisions to entertain us for months to come.
David Archuleta says that his song picked by Paula, And So It Goes, is a “really pretty song.” He performs it with his eyes closed as always. It has a decent beginning, but his ridiculous melismified ending ruins any semblance of a good performance (luckily for VFTW). David then panders for VFTW votes by completely butchering Chris Brown’s “With You.” First Chris is forced to duet with Jorbacca, then you do this to his song. Why does thy hate Chris Brown so, Idol? Funny how an 18 year old can sing the song and make it seem relevant, while a 17 year old who looks 12 seems completely out of place singing it. To hear David sing “I need you boo” and “Hot little figure, yes you a winner” was awesome enough, but he was completely flat for most of the song and he flubbed his lines for the umpteenth time this season. This truly memorable and terrible performance solidifies David’s place in VFTW history. Lastly, the producers picked “Longer” for him. The vocal was decent and it was easily better than his other 2 performances, but it was ridiculously slow and pointless.
I have never seen someone thrown under the bus with such conviction. Bravo, producers and judges. You all but already eliminated Jason Castro before he even sang a note last week, so you're just finishing the job tonight. So what does Jason do? In typical stoner fashion, not give a shit. And it was awesome! Jason’s antics tonight were legendary, even if the rest of the night was a snooze. Even when the contestants get to pick their own songs, we learn that they have really awful taste or have no idea what suits their voice. Thus, the 500 Songs that Shaped Rock and Roll became the 8 Songs that People Will Forget About By Next Week.
Top 5- Most.Boring.Show.Ever... Until Paula Fucks Up and Causes a VFTW Victory!
This week may be one of the most painful weeks of American Idol ever. Whoever created the Neil Diamond theme week should be boiled alive in Brooke White’s acidic tears. At least last week we had some really fun moments and some decent performances. This week, every single performance was bad or, at best, mediocre. And only one of those “bad” performances was VFTW worthy (of course, from Brooke). The only saving grace to this show was a train wreck of a moment from Paula when she wasn’t paying attention and slipped up that she doesn’t watch any of the performances. Classic!
Well, we’re in Louisville. But it’s the same damn show. Within the first minute, the trumpet player tells Kara to put the trumpet up to her lips and blow. He knows her well. Before the episode is up, we’ll get more sob stories and about 10 zillion plants, including the infamous Joanna Pacitti.