Dave's False Idols
Top 16 Guys: Danny Noriega Realizes His Full VFTW Potential
Top 20 Girls: Carry On My Worster Sons and Daughters
“Millions of families are watching. The futures of 10 girls hang in the balance. There can only be one show. This is American Idol.” Seriously… I can write better crap than this. Please fire Seacrest’s writer. I’ll write every line for the show if we can rig this up so a VFTW pick can win. I would have said Danny as of last night, but tonight Amanda proved to be even better this week at least. Read on!
Top 20 Guys: Talking Back is Chikezie to Do
Who writes Ryan’s lame banter? Seriously. It’s probably the same person who thinks saying “this is the most talented top 24 ever” over and over will eventually make us believe it. This week, the guys disappointed America once again, but plenty of them lobbied for VFTW votes. It’s a statistical dead heat between cannon fodder, so hopefully two of them will leave to make more room for the fiercest competitor, Danny. But I have a message for Danny at the end of my recap that he should listen to if he wants to stick around on the show.
Top 24 Girls: They're not untalented hacks... it's the flu... I swear
After tonight, can the show even promote this as “the best top 24 ever?” If they do, they will surely look foolish, as none of the girls were amazing, a few were good, and the rest were boring or awful. Ryan warns us that the “bottom 2 girls and bottom 2 guys will head back to life before Idol.” They get to go in a time machine? Sweet! That prize is way better than winning this show. Maybe we should just let our VFTW picks go now.
Top 24 Guys - Being Relevant By Singing 60's Songs
Ryan Seacrest reminds us that this is being called “the best top 24 ever.” By the show. Over and over. No one else has said this, but the show thinks that if it keeps saying it every week, people will believe it. That’s almost as ridiculous a notion as having a group of singers sing outdated songs from the 60’s and then chastising them when they don’t sound current. But no one would ever do that, because that would be completely moronic, right?
The Top 24: Who is Most Likely to Become the VFTW Pick?
Who will be the first 2 VFTW picks? We have no idea! We never decide until after every contestant has performed, because we could find a diamond in the rough. But for now, here are the grades I’ve given each of the top 24 based on their look, singing ability, likelihood of causing drama, and overall Worstness. And unlike what Ryan Seacrest keeps saying, the talent is not the best it’s ever been. Sadly, only one person in the whole cast has even earned an A, but there are plenty of people nipping at his heels trying to steal the VFTW crown. My ratings are as follows:
Danny Noriega: A-
Hollywood Week: The competition is as stiff as...
Hollywood week is usually great for drama, but this year, the drama was relatively low as the contestants were not forced to sing in groups. Lame. The new format brought lots of tears (99% from Josiah), but not nearly enough entertainment. And there’s no way I’m recapping the entire 2 hours of this crap. Thus, here are my comments about the episode.
Best of the Rest – Danny Noriega is the great VFTW hope.
Ryan calls the show The Best of the Rest. I call it We Wasted Your Time Before, Here’s More of the Same Crap to Sell Extra Commercials Because We’re Greedy. You know, either works though, it might just be a semantics issue. Though one diamond shines through the shit pile with fabulous tenacity: the brilliant Danny Noriega.
But before we get to Danny, we have to suffer through Luke Reeder screaming and Victor Villegas sounding like a sheep. It’s going to be a long hour.
Seacrest tells us two guys will fail tonight. One will rise to the top and become a legend by wishing that Santa Claus does terrible things to your mothers. Oh Danny, I knew you had it in you. For that video and your awesome performance this week, I reward you with 2 hours of my voting time. Hopefully it will be enough to save you.