Dave's False Idols
Be Careful What You Wish for, Cause You Just Might Get it, Wookie
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Final 3- Sanjaya in a Banana Suit Saves the Day!
This show is quickly becoming unwatchable. It’s seriously that bad. I mean, it was always bad, but it’s truly testing my patience to even pay attention, and I’ve never felt this bored in past seasons. That said, Blake definitely held up his part of the VFTW bargain by mixing it up with Sir Mix A Lot, beat boxing, and dancing like a spaz. He was definitely the only thing that kept me interested this week, so a Blake-less finale is a bleak prospect. Let’s analyze the train wrecks of the night.
Top 4: This Article is Rated BG for Beatboxing Garbage
Holy crap, that was painful. As if the Bee Gee’s music wasn’t hard enough to listen to in its original form, the Idols defecated all over these masterpieces of cheese to create one of the worst nights of Idol yet. And although it was a VFTW victory all around, hopefully it doesn’t spell the end for KiKi.
Melinda Doolittle is up first, singing Love You Inside And Out. It’s boring. It’s good. It’s what we’ve come to expect from Melinda. Simon calls it a “backing vocal performance.” I call it “a cleverly disguised advertisement for Shrek the Third.”
Top 6 Again- WWGGD. What Would Gina Glocksen Do? Probably Suck.
This week, the Idols take on Bon Jovi, but none of them really rock out. Not that this is a surprise, but they probably all rock out harder than Gina Glocksen would have if she was still around. Oh look, she is still around. In the audience. And Ryan rubs it in her face that she can’t bring her brand of poserdom to us this week. Poor Gina. Sad clown. But enough about her, it’s time to make fun of everyone else.
To Phil “Nospihlatu” Stacey, fake rocking means screaming with a scrunched up face. He decides to scream Blaze of Glory, which as anyone who has watched Idol knows, is not a good idea. You don’t sing songs that have the lyrics “I’m going down in a blaze of glory.” Remember the aforementioned Glocksen? “Smile though your heart is breaking?” It’s just not good luck. Phil Stacey playing rocker is like Paula Abdul playing sober, it’s just not believable. The judges mostly liked it, especially Randy, because he played bass on the song. So that’s why the bass part sucks. Simon Cowell, with a ridiculous fake tan, said that the song had no authenticity and that Phil looked like a bad actor who would not make it to next week. Whenever Simon calls out our pick like that, I make sure to vote overtime for them. That British bastard won’t take our vampire back to his grave without a fight!
Idol Gives Back- No One Goes Home, Sanjaya Saves the Show
Well, that was a terrible show! Idol Gives Back now wants even more money from us. We made 7 million dollars by calling in, which is way less than what American Idol will make in advertising revenue tonight alone. I don’t see Nigel Lythgoe donating money from his paycheck. Simon could make millions less and donate some more money. But hey, at least the show finally did something worthwhile for once. And no, unleashing Constantine Maroulis on the world was not worthwhile. I won’t make fun of the little charity bits on the show, because the kids are sweet and deserve all of the help they’re getting. But I’ll definitely make fun of the corny musical acts
Top 6: Doolittle In the Middle, Cause Idol's Got Back
This week, Idol gives back. But not the dirty kind of back. Sir Mix a Lot has that covered. And not sexy back. Justin Timberlake is in that corner. And not back boobs, because Lakisha wore a better fitting outfit this week. No, the sponsors of Idol are donating a lot of money to the show they already pay a lot of money for advertising. And hey, it’s a great cause, because helping fight poverty in America and Africa should definitely be commended. But Idol isn’t getting a “get out of jail free card” from my mockery just because they’re donating money. The show tonight was filled with cheese, cheese, and more cheese in the form of “inspiring performances.” I was inspired to take multiple bathroom breaks. It helped ease the pain of listening to overdone songs. And the line of the night came from Ryan Seacrest, who came up behind Simon and said, “I like seeing this side of you.” Followed by Simon bending Ryan over and “giving back.” Boys will be boys.
Top 7 - Nasally is a Form of Singing (Poorly)
This week the Idols sang with Martina McBride, the first guest judge in a while who could actually sing well. But it's country week, so taking a page from past country weeks, this week is going to be one big VFTW victory. That it is. Half of the performances are good and half stink to high hell. Who falls into which category? It shouldn't be hard to figure out, but let's recap this sucktacuar night anyway!
Phil "Nosphilatu" Stacy started out first with Where the Blacktop Ends. It's kind of creepy, kind of weird, as always, but it's not terrible. I didn't really enjoy it, but after watching the entire show, Phil definitely falls right into the middle easily. Though if you don't want to be compared to a vampire, wearing all black isn't necessarily a good idea. The judges loved it, and hey, Phil's gonna need that to survive another week. I'd like him to stay purely so he can be a backup VFTW later on.
Top 8- LaKisha is Gonna Get You- Harumph! (LaKisha Takes a Big Bite)
This week the Idols treat us to a little Latin flavor. Or rather, the Idols fail while trying to sing semi-Latin songs with guest judge semi-Latin Jennifer Lopez. The producers this week said to themselves, “Well, who can we get to coach the contestants that actually sings worse than Gwen Stefani?” And since Fergie was busy this week shooting an ad for Depends, they decided to go with Jennifer Lopez (and her tagalong ass – no, Marc Anthony was not there) and make a Spanish song week.