Dave's False Idols
Top 9- Welcome to the Universe of SANJAYA!
Top 10- Gwen Stefani Proves How Useless She Really Is
Idol recruited Gwen Stefani to pick the songs for the Idols that inspire her, because we all know with her exquisite taste in music, she’ll pick awesome songs. If you can’t tell, I’m being sarcastic, because Gwen might be the biggest idiot to hit the music business since… yeah, no one else. This is the same idiot who thought sampling The Lonely Goatherd from The Sound of Music in a pop song about how hot she finds herself was a good idea. Good? No. Painful? Yes. I enjoy ripping into Gwen Stefani almost as much as I enjoy ripping into Idol, so this is going to be a fun recap. Notice how no one does a Gwen Stefani solo song tonight because that stuff is just pure pig vomit. Not even Sanjaya takes that kind of a risk. We basically find out that Gwen is inspired by the Police, Donna Summer, the Cure, the Pretenders, Cyndi Lauper, and herself. This may be the worst theme week ever in the history of the show. Who cares what inspires Gwen Stefani? The woman obviously has no taste.
Top 11: BEST.SHOW.EVER. Sanjaya Rules and Sligh Gives Us a Shoutout
Best Episode of Idol EVER. EVER. I mean, come on now. Between Sanjaya giving the most VFTW worthy performance in the history of the show and Chris Sligh giving me a shoutout on national TV and pissing off the judges (and probably producers)… I must say I love this show. I’ve got to vote for Sanjaya out of loyalty since he’s the VFTW pick, but I don’t see how Chris Sligh can’t be our backup when Sanjaya leaves if he loves VFTW so much. And we love him! Chris, you are the man. And Sanjaya, you are hysterical. I love them both so much right now, I want to kiss them. You guys are so awesome.
Top 12- Let There Be Creativity… Oh and Lots of Bad Singing
First up is Brandon Rogers with You Can’t Hurry Love (I Want To Lose American Idol). He’s definitely missing half the notes and he turned a fast song into something incredibly boring. His voice cracks on a horrible bum note when he sings keeps me hangin on… and then he forgets the words. This is just a mess, plain and simple. The judges all hate it with good reason, Brandon has shown absolutely no potential since being selected for the top 24, which makes him a great VFTW backup. But I have a feeling he’ll be gone tonight so it won’t matter.
Top 16 Girls - Our Porcelain Princess Takes Her Biggest Dump
So if it isn’t obvious by now, a female is going to win American Idol 6. The females performed a kazillion times better than the dudes, which is no shock, because the producers want a girl to win this year so they stacked the deck.
Jordin Sparks goes first and she tells us that she wanted to be a football player. I’m sure… This girl has choir dork since age 5 written all over her. She decides to switch it up and sing a rock song, Heartbreaker. It’s got its pitch problems, but it’s about infinity times better than the guys, so really, it’s all gravy. The producers want Jordin on the tour, so they’ll get Jordin on the tour, no problem. Besides, it’s fun to watch her stand next to Seacrest and make him look like the shrimp he is.
Top 16 Guys - My secret? The guys have no talent.
The guys went back to sucking hardcore this week, making it hard for VFTW to choose a Worst, but Sundance Head really sucked it up hardcore so we went back to him. His performance was the most entertaining train wreck of the night, but really, we could have made a VFTW case for any of them.
Blake Lewis probably had the only performance of the night that didn’t suck hardcore. First, he introduced us to Jimmy Walker Blue, some hillbilly character he plays. Then he sings All Mixed Up. It’s not bad, but it doesn’t translate to the Idol stage very well. At least he picks entertaining songs though, so I’ll give him a pass. If only I’d known what was to come, I’d have called Blake’s performance amazing.
Top 20 Girls - Jersey girl gets Jennifer Hudson's revenge
The girls were MUCH more entertaining than the guys, and all I ask from this show is for a little entertainment. If I have to watch this BS to get to Princess Antonella, at least keep me awake. The girls did do that, and we had some real big stinkers this week. The inappropriate dedications continued, and the judges warned the girls not to sing Whitney ever- until they change their mind next week and introduce Whitney Houston week into the top 12. Telling someone not to sing Whitney on Idol is like telling Paula not to drink before she goes on air… it’s a lesson in futility.
Top 10 Guys - Inappropriate Dedications and Sleep Medications
Well it looks like it’s time for more suckage. This week the guys were better than before, but honestly, they’re still not all that good. Even the megapimped Sundance was not very good, but the judges went out of their way to praise him to throw us off. I figured we should stick with him for a week just to see how he does, especially since our main pick is Antonella, and we’ll see. If he gets the judges’ praise again next week, well then we can reconsider. But no one was really all that VFTW worthy this week anyway, the guys all went from bad last time to boring this time, so sticking with Sundance for one more week won't hurt.
Tony Bennett stops by to educate the Idols on some classic big band era songs. And for the first time, I really can’t rip on the guest judge too much. Tony actually offered some good advice and was pretty endearing. Don’t worry though, faithful readers, I shall still rip on the Idols and judges.
Blake Lewis is up first with Mack the Knife. Tony wants him to slow down the tempo and give each lime more impact. I doubt Blake was listening. His faux British accent is back. I wonder if he realizes he sings with a bad accent some weeks, it’s so odd. Maybe he's trying to trick Simon into being nice to him? All he'd have to do to make Simon happy is send him a mirror and a bottle of lube. I guess Blake singing well, but he has gone into sleepy territory at this point. He’s gotten so mind-numbingly dull, probably because he got sick of the judges not recognizing his “current” (read 1980’s and 90’s) music. The judges swoon for no good reason. Can you tell Blake is going to make it to the finale without even trying?