Introduction

First of all, I would like to thank Sab for inspiring me to take up writing again after a brief absence. I would also like to thank Deb for supporting me in starting this thread.

The jist of the story is "What if AI was more worster-driven?". I have a little outline of the story, but for right now my intention is to develop the characters and let the story develop itself. I have the characters semi-set, but I'm going to play the elimination order by ear.

DISCLAIMER: This is pure fiction.

RATING: R for strong language.

Chapter 1 - The Audition, Part I - The Waiting Room

Place: Indianapolis, IN

Time: August 2007

New Characters:

Dave - The Worster - This isn't OUR Dave, but I am naming this character in Dave's honor. I'm also making him 24 years old, from the Chicago area, and gay. Personality-wise, he's a composite of all worsters. In other words, he's all of us. Besides, I need the real Dave to play himself in later chapters, or at the very least, mentions of the real Dave.

Candy - 21, grew up somewhere in Ohio but lives in Chicago now. Desperate fame whore with lots of attitude, a moderately good voice, slutty looks, and good performance skills - on and off stage. She's modeled a little after Amanda, but with better vocals and a lovability factor on the level of . Also inspiring this character is Crystal Conners (Gina Gershon's role in Showgirls)

Hannah - 22, from the Los Angeles area. Auditions with twin brother Hank.

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The Worster sat in the hotel lobby in downtown Indianapolis, exhaustedly waiting for his name to be called. He couldn't believe that after taking a dare on the VFTW message board, he would actually get to meet Randy, Paula, Simon, and Ryan.

The process was worse than he ever imagined. Even though he had read the testimonials, he never thought he would feel as drained as he did at that moment. The first day was spent waiting in line outside the RCA dome, in the blazing August sun, forced to tolerate the stench of hogfat from the rendering plant next door mixed with the body odor of 15,000 people, all the while being occasionally asked to exclaim "I AM THE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL!" whenever a camera happened to roll by.

The next day was spent indoors inside the stadium. He had been grateful for the air-conditioning, but not grateful for the fact that every stitch of fabric that he had with him still reeked of hogfat. Most of his day consisted of joining the other 15,000 hopefuls in front of the cameras, singing (ad nauseum) the chorus of "Pink Houses" by Indiana's favorite son, John Mellencamp.

Who'd have thought Mellencamp, of all people, would clear a song for a crapfest like this, he thought. Ain't THAT America for you and me? Billy Joel's "Goodnight, Saigon" would have been a more appropriate for the hell we're going through.

When the time for his first audition came, he was ready to be let go. After all, his singing voice was barely passable and, while attractive to most, wasn't exactly Brad Pitt. He just came to see what it was like, and maybe to recruit some Worsters. He figured that the best way to be rejected would be to sing a Stevie Wonder song, so he sang a few bars of "I Was Made To Love Her" in front of a bunch of bored-looking, self-important tools that were called production assistants. They looked like they weren't even paying attention. At least it seemed that way, because, to his amazement, he was let through to the next round...and the next...and the rest is history. This is what Sanjaya and Blake must have felt like, he thought.

Next came the paperwork, which included an extremely personal, lengthy questionnaire. He thought hard about how he wanted to answer the sexuality question. He had no problem with being gay, and wasn't about to make it a problem for himself. Fuck it. I don't want to advance to the Top 24 anyway. Even though he answered the sexuality question with "I will gladly suck cock in the name of ratings.", he still managed to move ahead to the next round, along with the approximately 200 others who shared the space in this hotel lobby.

So I get to meet the judges soon, he thought with a yawn. He was so tired that he didn't notice the young woman applying makeup next to him. He stretched, knocking the compact right out of her hand.

"Hey, asshole!", the woman snapped. "Watch it!"

Just what I need, some fucking bitch getting all up in my face. Great. He turned to start an especially snarky retort, and stopped short upon seeing her. He just realized that he was in the presence of one of the most fabulous people he had ever laid eyes upon. She reminds me of Antonella's BFF Amanda - but cooler. She had her blond hair up in a modified bouffant, much like Amy Winehouse's hairdo, but less pronounced. She wore a cheap-looking gold lamé minidress, which was partially unzipped to show off her ample cleavage. He noticed that her face wasn't much - she sort of had that cunty, pinchy, drowned-rat Paris Hilton sort of face - plain, but she knew how to apply makeup to make herself look sexy as hell. Sexy in a slutty way, but still sexy. Amazingly well put-together for such trashiness. Now THIS is some VFTW creamy goodness right here.

"Hey, I'm really sorry.", he said as he picked her compact off the floor and handed it back to her. "And I just want to say that even with the makeup malfunction I caused you, that you look fabulous!"

Her face warmed up a bit. "Why, thanks, darling!", she smiled. "It's good that you know you're in the presence of a STAH!", she added in her best Ian Bernardo voice. She extended her hand to reveal a set of intricately designed, bedazzled press-on nails. "I'm Candy."

"Dave.", he said as he took her hand and kissed it delicately, in a gentlemanly fashion. "So...are you a good singer or a bad singer?", he asked with a sly smile.

Candy gave him a look of conceited entitlement that only women like Rhonetta Johnson and Jennifer "The Hotness" Chapton can pull off successfully. "I am the BEST, and don't you forget it! I've been scoping these bitches out for days now, and nobody here can put it down like me." She pointed to an attractive, bubbly young woman across the room. "See that bitch over there? She's my only real competition."

Dave recognized the woman as Hannah, a California girl who was in the same audition group as he back at the RCA Dome. "Hannah? Yeah, we've met. You better watch her carefully, because that girl is DAMN good!"

Candy didn't seem to be buying Dave's pitch. "Fuck it. Bitch is probably another melisma-addicted Katharine McPhee wannabe anyways."

Dave knew that this wasn't true. In fact, Hannah had an oddly unique style that was certainly her own. She sort of reminded him of someone he knew, but couldn't put his finger on it at that moment. He liked her, though, and decided he needed to change the subject. He pointed to the towering adonis standing next to Hannah. "Personally, I'd like to talk about that man-candy she keeps talking to."

Candy smiled. "Me, too. That's Hank. Hank the Hunk, as I like to call him. And don't worry about those two. They're twins, not lovers. And he will be mine, oh yes...he WILL be mine!" She let out a loud cackle. "So, Dave, what's your story?"

Dave laughed a little. "I'm not really a professional singer. I came here on a dare, so I'll probably be one of the rejects they show in January."

Candy looked intrigued. "Who dared you?"

"Oh, this Idol fan board that I hang out at. Ever hear of Vote For The Worst?"

Candy's face brightened like Phil Stacey at the scent of human blood. "Oh, FUCKING SHIT! I've been a worster since April! Does the name "cameltoebiatch" ring a bell?"

"Yeah it does!!! You're one of the funniest posters on there! I'm known as "theotherdave!" We've had some nice exchanges over there, haven't we?"

"Indeed we have!", she said over the din of the PA. "Whoa, they just called my name. It's audition time! Look, nobody knows my VFTW identity and I want to keep it that way. I will explain it to you later." She leaned over to hug him. "I think that this is the start of a beautiful friendship."

Dave smiled as Candy walked to the conference room door to start her interview segment with Ryan. Totally worth it now, he thought.

NEXT UP - CHAPTER 2 - THE AUDITION, PART II - MEETING THE JUDGES.

(Edits reflect changes to the thread title)

LOL, a fantastic start Insane. I can see us becoming the summer VFTW soap operas to keep things moving until the auditions start.

I love your writing style, (much more polished than mine), and the main thing is just to have fun with it all. I'm looking forward to future installments.

PS..I caught the Casablanca ref.

That was great, Insane!! I can't wait to read the next part.

Everyone is soon going to start writing their own fanfics and then people will get sick of it and then a fanfic board is SOOO going to splinter off.

You heard it here first.

P.S. I did clear it with Deb before starting this thread.

That was an accident! I wasn't even thinking about Casablanca at that time.

I totally agree Insane. Hopefuly during these slow months we can just have some fun. No one is forced to read anything here.

Keep up the good work.

Insane, fantastic first chapter, I look forward to the next

And I ain't writing no fan fic, who could top Sabrina's marvellous efforts and now Insane's stellar tale?

thanks, smartie. We really do appreciate the positive feedback.

Saved for posterity.

I've started chapter 2, and since I've been called off work tomorrow, I'll be able to finish it then. Thanks for all the support!

Some spoilers for future installments:

There will be chapters in the form of excerpts from fictional VFTW threads regarding said characters (but without the graphics, it'll just be in anonymous quote format).

Contestants will hook up (that's a given), but it'll be much less graphic than my Cake stories. Sex will get a mention, not a chapter.

There will be at least one major controversy involving a judge, and several involving contestants.

Upcoming Theme Weeks - without mentors!

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The Music of David Bowie

The Sounds of Vegas

1960's

1980's (too bad Blake already competed) :omg

The Music of Led Zeppelin (how VFTW would THAT have been this year?)

Songs By Former Idols

and more...

I love it insane, keep it up.

I don't know what happened before, with the "splinter boards," or whatever (I'm too new for that), but I love VFTW.

I wouldn't write one myself, though. If I did write one, I'd be too embarrassed to post it.

All right, after several aborted attempts (sorry Jordin ) (comp crashed before I could save my work. Damn.), I'm trying again.

Chapter 2 - Candy's Audition

Rating: PG

Characters: Randy, Paula, Simon, Ryan (sort of), Candy, Dave

New Character: Celebrity Guest Judge, Britney Spears

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Is that a drag queen?

Ohmigod yall!

Another size 6 body squeezed into a size 4 outfit.

Whore.

If Candy had known what was going through the judges' minds as she strutted into the room, she would have been tickled pink. It was exactly what she was hoping for.

"Hello, darlings!" She said in her best Crystal Conners manner. "Are you ready to meet your next Idol?"

This was met with smug laughter from the judges.

"How ya doin'...Jill, is it?", Randy said uncertainly.

"Candy. Everyone calls me Candy, because I leave a sweet taste in everyone's mouths."

"Ohhhh-kay!", Paula said with mild sarcasm. She didn't appear to be that focused on the conversation.

Candy decided to take a second to stroke Britney's ego. "Hi Britney!"

"Hi, hon!"

"I just want you to know that I love you and that I've modeled my entire career after you!"

"Oh, thanks hon!" Britney looked a little unsure whether or not this was a good thing.

"So, Candy," Simon said, stone-faced. "Why do you think you could be the next American Idol?"

"Because I have big hair," she said, pointing to her hair, "...a sassy attitude, and there is NOBODY out there that even comes CLOSE to me when it comes to beauty, talent, and charisma."

"We'll see about that.", Simon replied. "What are you going to sing for us today?"

"I'm going to sing "Open Toes" by Katharine McPhee."

The judges laughed at the thought of hearing this girl sing the cheesiest song ever recored by a former Idol contestant. "All right dawg, go for it!", Randy said with anticipation in his voice.

With that, Candy broke into a sexy song and dance:

(Caption: Jill "Candy" Green/Age: 21/Hometown: Toledo, OH)

I've been needing a girls' night out

I've got nothing but hand-me-downs

I need a quick fix to make these clothes hotter

No matter what it is, a girl's gotta

Pedicure, white tip, French

My legs don't make much sense

I'm not rich but I got a diamond anklet

Keep it on, it goes with my outfit

Hey, let's go

If it's not too high, or low, I'll take them home

In purple, red, or gold,

Cause I know them boys, they like those open toes.

Jeans all black, hair slicked back...

"Thank you!", Simon interrupted, hand in the air. Candy stood silently, waiting for the moment of truth.

Randy started. "You know what? That was actually pretty good! I'm kinda shocked!"

"Thank you!"

"Yeah, I wasn't too sure about the song choice or the outfit," Paula chimed in, eyes trying to stay focused. "...but you can sing, there's no doubt about that."

"I liked it!" was Britney's insightful response.

Candy thanked Paula and Britney and waited for Simon's response. The moment of silence felt like hours.

"You're obnoxious, and you dress horribly..."

Without missing a beat, Candy said "Guess that makes two of us, darling!" The other judges began howling with laughter.

"LET ME FINISH!", Simon yelled above the idiotic din. "First of all, we're talking about you, not me. I said you were obnoxious and a poor dresser, but you actually have a decent voice. I'm surprised as well. Not the best voice, but...despite your remarks towards me, I actually think you deserve a ticket to Hollywood. I vote yes. Britney?"

"I'm gonna say yes."

"Pauler?"

"You've got spunk, sweetie. Yes."

"Randy?"

"Welcome to Hollywood, dawg. YEAH!"

"Thank you, darlings!", Candy said with a touch of self-entitlement as she turned toward the door. "I'm gonna come back and rock your world."

"Go get a new wardrobe!", Simon called after her.

"Honey...", Candy replied. "You just named my weekly ritual."

As Candy picked up her ticket and walked through the door (picking the correct door), she waved her golden ticket in the air and said "Supah-stah! That's right!". Cheers erupted from the room, mixed with some glances from some of the female hopefuls. Dave came over and gave her a hug.

"Ryan.", Candy said. "Remember this face. It is the face of American Idol 2008, and don't you forget it." As she walked off, she quickly slapped her behind and said, "I'm goin' to Hollywood, bitches!" She knew that it wouldn't make the edit, but she knew that her plan of intimidation was working.

Dave followed her down the hall to exchange phone numbers. He and Candy were going to get together later for dinner.

Meanwhile, back in the conference room, the judges were practically rolling on the floor from laughter.

"You know what?", Simon laughed. "I think we may have just made a horrible, horrible mistake."

Little did he know.

To be continued...

Next up - Chapter 3 - Cheesy Sticks and Deep, Deep Dish

Wooooooo! I like Candy so far, if only this was real, I'd even watch the actual show

Marvellous work, Insane!

Insane, you totally caught the essence of the audition weeks. The shame of the whole situation is that it has become so predictable. Your scene is exactly what is repeated over and over.

Why is it I am imagining RuPaul as playing Candy when your TV movie comes out? LOL

I was thinking more along the lines of Amanda.

Amanda really is RuPaul.

Haha, this is awesome. Keep up the good work!

I love it.

I don't plan on writing my own fanfic and I won't read any of the boring ones either

insaneinthesfv, that was very enjoyable. keep it up! can't wait for what is in store for this supah-stah. I also liked you introducing us to "theotherdave". that was so dry! hilarious!

You keep writing, insane.

...she sort of had that cunty, pinchy, drowned-rat Paris Hilton sort of face...

Great description of Amanda - ahem - Candy! Great job and keep it coming!