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The Idols rehearsed with Rod Stewart for “standards” night, which meant “standards from Rod Stewart’s albums that we could clear in time for the show and that the music libraries didn’t think you’d screw up too much” night. To give these kids their due, most of them sounded pretty good this week. It sure was a snoozefest of a week for VFTW, but our own little angel shined like no other. She was a steaming pile of dog crap in an otherwise pristine park. And that dog crap was Kellie Pickler.
Kellie decided to tackle “Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered.” First off, can Kellie seriously pronounce and define all 3 of those words? Secondly, that mean old Rod Stewart played a trick on our mink, confusing her into thinking that “lyrics” and “words” were not the same thing. Seriously, who’s writing this crap? There must be a writer behind this. The girl gets dumber and dumber each week. But all of the pre-song setup was nothing compared to Kellie’s raping rendition of the song. She started off okay, but soon started hitting bum note after bum note. Soon, she lost the tempo and started coming in too early. And by the end, the damage had been done.
The judges hated Kellie’s performance for once, so it was nice to see them actually honestly critique her. After they tongue bathed her for weeks, they really had no choice but to let it rip this time. Kellie even admitted that she “butchered” the song and that she wouldn’t redo it because she didn’t want to put us through it again. But Kellie, this was your shining VFTW moment. We’ll be rewinding our Tivos all week, saying “this is the moment when the morons who couldn’t see it before now realize that Kellie is awful.” My personal favorite part was during the middle of the song when Kellie hit a particularly offensive note. The camera was behind the judges and you can visibly see Simon hang his head and start banging it on the table in disgust. Seriously, go back and watch it, it’s classic. All he could think was, “No!!! My cash cow!!! WHY!!!” Even he couldn’t compliment that song, and Kellie will have to get down on her knees “Bohemian Rhapsody” style even more than normal to get herself back in Mr. Cowell’s favor.
No one else was remotely in Pickler’s league this week. Even Ace wasn’t as bad as normal, but he did pull off his best cafeteria lunch lady look for his performance. And of course, his trademark falseshitto made an appearance. Randy and Paula orgasmed over the high notes, saying that they make Ace his money. No, low budget porn films will make Ace his money, so I beg to differ. But hey, even after one of his better performances, Ace is likely headed out the door.
The Penis With Ears, Pug Dog, Monkey Boy, and the Pregnant Scientologist all did pretty well. And even Spasms the Love Monkey started off weak but brought it home in the end. So really, besides adorning them with their insulting nicknames, I won’t insult them this week. They deserve a week off from ridicule because they all proved that they can sing. Kellie, of course, proved that she is VFTW material.
After Ace’s exit, which I am predicting for this week, Kellie stands alone as the worst in the pack. The bottom 3, I believe, will be Ace, Elliott, and a surprise addition of either Chris or Kellie. Looking more womanly than ever didn’t help Ace, because this year they’re looking for a male winner. Make sure someone reminds him of that on his way out the door tonight. And make sure Paula Abdul is locked in her trailer and knocked out with tranquilizers. We wouldn’t want another Corey Clark on our hands, and Ace is desperate enough to even lay the most pathetic boozehound for a record deal. At least you went out on a semi-high note, Ace. Don’t ruin it with your cold hearted snake.
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