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Country night proved that last week was no fluke: this is the worst top 9 ever. It even inspired me to write a song. But before we get to that, let’s see how our fine feathered friends did this week:
Taylor started off the night with “Country Roads, Take Me Home”. It was more like “country roads, I’m bored as hell, how do I get back to the city?” He looked so out of place, it’s like he wanted to go home but didn’t know how to get there. Taylor changes sides from spastic monkey boy one week to absolute dullard the next. Maybe he should get on some of Paula’s meds, she seemed to be enjoying herself a little too much again this week.
Mandisa did “Any Man of Mine” and it was pretty disasterous. Mandisa has really turned the tables in the past few weeks to attempt to win over VFTW. Of course, Mandisa raising her arms and letting her arm flab fall wasn’t exactly appealing to VFTW or to that man of hers. Nor was her off key singing. Any man of hers might have to wear a blindfold and put in some earplugs soon, because Mandisa is on a way one train to Exitville.
Paris Bennett was ridiculously off key when she attempted “How Do I Live”. She looked like she was in pain during the entire performance (does someone need their flea medication?) and brought the night to a new low. Of course, she also got rid of her Beyonce weave to show off her pug dog face better. Simon drank some of Paula’s bubbly water before Paris’s performance, because he actually thought it sounded good. Paris was easily the worst of the night, but for some reason I see her sticking around like an annoying cockroach. A pug dog faced, ugly weave wearing cockroach.
Ace Young tackled “I Wanna Cry”. I didn’t realize it was “sing a song based on how the audience reacts to your singing” week. So that’s why Paris chose “How Do I Live” as well. It all makes sense now. Ace wasn’t as horrific as usual, but he had to go into falsetto at the end to ruin the entire thing for some VFTW points. I don’t think he realizes how ridiculously awful he sounds every single time he attempts falsetto, and let’s hope no one ever informs him.
Kenny Rogers said “Fancy” is all about what Kellie’s about. Since the song is about being a whore… Kenny, you’re not telling us anything we didn’t all ready know. I love how her southern singing accent was about 100 times more forced this week than it has been in the past, showing how fake it is. As always with Kellie, the hilarity of her performances has more to do with her crazy new additions than her bad singing, and this week she gave us the eyebrow arch of doom for half the song. "Fancy *arch* don't let *arch* me down *double arch*. Her vocals weren’t as weak as normal, but she still wasn’t good. That’s probably sadly as good as Kellie can get. So hey, I’ll give her a compliment for once, but only this week: Kellie you were okay. That’s the best you’re gonna get, Fancy. Now, let me down!
Elliott, Chris, and Katharine were vocally competent but also incredibly boring. Really there’s not much to say about these 3 because they bored me to death and there really isn’t any witty remark to make. I mean, seriously, how many sleepy jokes can you make? So I’ll get them all out together:
Oh sorry, I fell asleep. Man. Oops. Well, let’s just keep going then.
And finally, Bucky did “The Best I've Ever Had”, which is a Vertical Horizon song I really love. But unlike when Chris did “Hemorrhage” (another one of my favorite songs), I was not as impressed. Bucky was actually okay, but he did have some pitch problems. He was still better than Paris, Mandisa, Taylor, Ace, and Kellie, though. He again proved that he's definitely not a VFTW contender, so the people who think that he sucks should listen a little better. In a tribute to the entire night, and to this being the most VFTW-tastic season ever, Bucky should sing us the brand new version of the song I like to call
“The Worst We’ve Ever Had”:
Idol died tonight, but I am not mourning
The worst is here to stay, even if they’re boring
But it’s not a shame now that the top 9 is so lame now
[Chorus]
It makes me glad
They’re only the worst, the crap, the bad
They suck ball sac
They’re just the worst top 9 we’ve ever had
We cheer at Vote for the Worst, because they suck bologna
Kellie is rehearsed, her B.S. is so phony
It’s like VFTW treasure, they’re not gonna get better
[Chorus]
Elliott's teeth are jacked
Mandisa’s screeching is so bad
Paris is a dumb brat
They’re just the worst top 9 we’ve ever had
And it may take some time for America to realize
That this group makes baby Jesus cry
VFTW called this, cause we are always right, we’re always right.
So you wasted time, watching Idol Tuesday
But if you switched sides, you'd enjoy it everyday
This is what we wanted, Vote for the Worst was flaunted
[Chorus]
Chris should wear a hat
Bucky and Taylor sang real flat
Katharine’s scantily clad
They’re just the worst top 9 we’ve ever had
They’re just the worst we’ve ever had
Ace’s falsetto killed two cats
My predictions for the week? The bottom 3 will be Elliott, Mandisa, and Bucky (before you crazy Elliott fans write to me again to complain, I said he'll be in the bottom 3, not that he was one of the worst singers. Got it? I don't think he was that terrible. I just think people will forget to vote for him. Seriously, these Elliott fans are nutcases sometimes). I think this was Mandisa’s last stand tonight and she'll be the one leaving us. Though if America wants to make me happy, they can vote out the pug dog. Then, when they inform her that she’s had a bad day, that she’s taken one down, that she sings a bad song… Brenna can come back on stage and smack her booty in celebration (I’m never going to let this go. Ever.)
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