I am incredibly excited to write this False Idols column, because this was the most sucktacular episode of American Idol this year. So far in the top 12, we’ve had Stevie Wonder week and 50’s week. This week, the theme was “Vote for the Worst” week. The producers love this site so much and they were so distraught at our loss of Kevin that they wanted to have a competition to decide who should be the next VFTW contender. So all 10 put on their best VFTW faces and performed in one of the absolute worst Idol nights ever. This is the first time that I will describe all 10 contestants in “False Idols”, because they all deserve mention for trying so hard to suck this week. Without further ado, I bring you “Vote for the Worst” theme week.

To start the night off right, Lisa Tucker massacred “Because of You”. She went out of her way to highlight some off key notes, and I have to applaud her for the effort. Picking a Kelly Clarkson song was a great way to end her AI career on a low note. If only she had sucked more in the past and even pretended to have a personality, she might be a great VFTW contender after that one. Unfortunately for her, the performances only got worse as the night progressed, leaving her desperate attempt to garner VFTW votes an exercise in futility.

Kellie Pickler poisoned some “Suds in a Bucket” with deep fried country charm. This performance shows exactly why she’s a great VFTW pick; it was absolutely terrible and I loved it. The girl can’t even sing country well, she was ridiculously off key for most of the song. And when left to her own devices to choose any song over a 6 year range, she chooses a song about washing a truck. It happens to be a song that’s not vocally challenging, and she still can’t even hit most of the notes. I missed her stupid comments, though. If they hadn’t had to rush the show in an hour, I bet we would have heard “I lahk to wash mah truck with suds in a buh-kit”. I also love how she apologizes when the judges insult her and I doubly love how Debbie Gibson was in the audience and didn’t bother clapping for Kellie. Debbie Gibson is the new Whatevia, but not as famous.

Ace Young annihilated “Drops of Jupiter”. Utterly defiling a Grammy-winning song (as Ace was kind enough to remind us) is an impressive feat, but Ace surpassed even my wildest expectations. He may have even been worse than Kellie this week, they’re very close. I’m very impressed that Ace fully embraced the VFTW theme, but then again, he embraces it every week so it’s not much of a stretch. Ace is so whiny and looks ridiculous on the stage. He even pulled down his shirt to show us his “permanent scar”, which was completely ineffectual from a long shot and had to be explained for a full minute for anyone at home to understand what he was doing. Ace is a great VFTW backup, because he hasn’t done anything outside the VFTW realm since “Father Figure”.

Taylor Hicks started out killing “Trouble” with the line “Trouble, trouble, trouble…” Looks like he has a case of the Fantasias (yeah yeah yeah he does, yeah yeah yeah yeah). Taylor just got worse and worse as the song went on, because he realized that he wasn’t bad enough to begin with. He was definitely trying hard to suck, because he hasn’t been this bad since “Easy”. He also inspired a 10 year old boy to dye his hair gray. Way to make sure that kid doesn’t get his first kiss until he’s 20, Mr. Hicks. Taylor’s uninspired version of this relatively unknown song definitely placed him in VFTW’s good graces, and he looked absolutely ridiculous in his Clay style get-up.

Mandisa screamed at “Shackles (Praise You)” until it backed down, and boy did she scream off key. We all know Mandisa can sing and that she is abundantly talented, but she went out of her way to suck ass during the screaming runs. She really has never sounded this bad, but she can adapt, even for VFTW week! Then, drunken idiot Paula tells Mandisa that 40 million people have all joined the Church of Mandisa. Cut to Mandisa, really upset, because she’s a very religious person. She shakes her head “no”. Paula doesn’t get it. To help Paula fully realize how Mandisa took that comment, someone should tell Paula that 40 million people have stolen her stash. Paula worships those drugs, and it would sink into her inebriated brain that way.

Chris’s screaming was more off key than usual while obliterating “What If” and his sheep-like vibrato was much more pronounced. He just looked stupid as hell screaming “What if” over and over. Usually I can buy his rocker act, but this week it was just so over the top ridiculous. Then again, he was probably channeling Constantine, VFTW’s favorite faux rocker. Also, I hate Creed worse than just about any band ever, so to make me listen to one of their songs is just not cool. I love how American Idol’s cameramen attempt to film a rock performance by just zooming in over and over, hoping this looks edgy enough. Then they film in and out of focus. Real hardcore, guys. Last week, Simon told Chris that he’s great for not compromising and for always doing the rock songs that he’s good at. This week, Simon told Chris that he can’t keep doing these rock songs forever and that he needs to start compromising. Oh, Simon, it looks like you have a case of the Kellies. Take one sal-mon colo red pill and call me in the morning.

Katharine assassinated “The Voice Within”, then used its dead body for a shield to run through a shower of acid rain. Then she kicked it around, then vomited all over it, then brought it back to life and repeated the process. She starts so off key that it’s ridiculous. This has to be the worst vocal of the night, even worse than Ace or Kellie. Wow, who would think that Katharine was capable of such a VFTW performance? That was one for the Hall of Fame. The judges call it “the best of the night”, and they’re right since it’s VFTW week. She really embraced the theme and turned what might have just been a giant dump on stage into a case of explosive diarrhea. Kudos, Katharine.

Bucky Covington mildly poked “Real Good Man” by Tim McGraw. Sadly, this was one of the best performances of the night (for good singing). Unfortunately, that means he didn’t embrace the VFTW theme. The fact that he was on key should show all of the haters that Bucky doesn’t belong as the VFTW pick. He can’t even suck hardcore during VFTW week. He was just okay… If I was voting for the best, Bucky’s performance was one of the best of the night. Who’d have thought that would ever happen? Bucky’s mediocre stylings only stood out because everyone else blew giant chunks.

Beyonce hired a hit man to kill her bastard child single that didn’t do well on the charts, the annoying “Work It Out”. And that hit man’s name is Paris Bennett. She tried to be sexy while singing, but instead her pug dog face just looked hilarious. Paris sings that she can’t wait for the bedroom, but honestly, unless the other dogs in the neighborhood are in heat, who wants to join her? Her dance moves were absolutely ridiculous and overblown. She just kept twirling her tacky weave around in circles to try to emphasize the words, but succeeded only in whipping herself in the face. That definitely added a great VFTW touch. I’ve been waiting to rip on Paris because I hate her, but since she sucked during VFTW week, I’ll be sort of nice. (Yes, that was sort of nice. Must I remind you that she insulted Brenna? You just don’t do that.)

Even Elliott had ridiculous moves and kept forgetting his words during “I Don’t Wanna Be”. It’s obvious that they saved this performance for last because it was the least objectionable. But of course, Elliott had to embrace the theme, so he bounced around in a ridiculous fashion. He had pretty good vocals but his dance squats were VFTW-tastic and he looked like Eminem’s inbred cousin in his get-up. He was by far the best of the night, but of course this was VFTW week, so he missed the mark completely. Elliott, you need to try harder to suck next week.

That being said, I feel that the top 3 that really embraced the VFTW theme were Ace, Kellie, and Katharine. Who will actually be in the bottom 3 for the results show? I’m predicting Lisa, Ace, and a shocker with Katharine. Lisa has finally come to the end of the road and she’ll be leaving us.