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I'd like to start out this week's False Idols with a piece of mail that I received. This letter comes from Robert Smith. Robert writes: You guys are funny. Pointless, childish and bizarre but definitely funny too. You do seem to miss one thing though. There are plenty of middle-aged ladies watching AI too not just tweens and teens. So how come you don't make fun of them? You are right, Robert! And thus, I will make sure to focus on mocking older, stupid Idol watchers as much as I mock the younger, stupid Idol watchers from now on.
This week, we had about a half and half split between the good and the bad. Mandisa was great as usual. Melissa was pretty good, even though Simon would have us believe otherwise. Ayla was stellar again, even though she has no emotion. And Lisa, although again boring, wasn't half bad. The other 4? That's a different story.
First, there was pimpee Paris Bennett who sucked it up horribly singing "Conga". First of all, what in the world does a 17 year old who looks like a muppet know about passion and sex appeal? Paris ripped the song of its raw energy and stomped around on it a lot. Her held out notes were horrific, and I clapped for her when she was done. Paris is really trying to throw in the towel here and I truly appreciate that. She even did her hair like Brenna to try to get VFTW votes. Who said we had no impact! It's funny how she'll most likely stick around, even though most of the performers were better than her (see: Melissa McGhee). But that's why I love this crazy little girl!
Next up, Katharine McPhee completely sucked the energy out of "Think". She performed it worse than Sarah Mathers' encore rendition of "Get Ready" when she found out she was voted off the show. I mean, there's something to be said for being understated, but Katharine is just terrible. Her vocals were okay, but I know that if she had not be a pimped contestant, Simon would be telling her to pack her bags (see: Melissa McGhee). Katharine is so terribly overrated that it hurts, but I don't think she has to worry about being a VFTW contestant anytime soon with the others in the picture.
Kinnik Sky, also known as Cannon Fodder #2 (see: Melissa McGhee), butchered "If I Ain't Got You". Kinnik may kill songs, but she does it in a boring, classy way that really doesn't grab my attention. It's like if Paula Abdul was actually sober one day and... OK, yeah that's too much of a stretch. Let's try this again. It's like if the producers were actually nice and congratulated the contestants for doing a good job after they were eliminated. It just wouldn't work. This is why Kinnik is not working for me and why she wouldn't work for VFTW. I'm ready for her to go home and let the big dogs have their VFTW fun. This leads me to...
My favorite absolute trainwreck left in the competition: Kellie Pickler. This "minx" (or mink if you're a complete moron) is so undeniably fake that it makes me laugh that half of America hasn't picked up on it. From her idiotic mispronunciation of salmon, to her bum notes throughout the entire performance of "I'm The Only One", to her dog not even bothering to fetch because he hates her so much, Kellie is completely VFTW. Of course, the only problem is that the judges love her for some reason. And Simon even said this week that he likes Kellie better than Carrie. Someone needs to inform Simon that he wasn't being asked who's better in bed. Kellie is obviously the prototype farmbot used to create Carrie. Even though Carrie sucked, Kellie is light years ahead of her in the suckage department. I can't wait until the judges need to turn on Miss Pickler so that a dude can win this year. As soon as the judges stop pimping her, Kellie will truly reflect t he VFTW spirit. Remember, I called it first. Kellie is going to make America hate her. It's coming, don't say I didn't tell you so. Little girls will vote for her in droves. Oh, and to be fair, stupid middle aged housewives will do it too. How's that, Robert, better? I'll make sure to really rip on the housewives tomorrow when Ace butchers something. Cool?
Ryan Seacrest ended the show by saying that Thursday's results will be unpredictable. OK... now stop laughing for a second and finish reading this column. I predict that no matter what, Kinnik and Melissa are out this week. Melissa might be saved somehow, someway, but it's doubtful. That's okay because the prototype farmbot lives to butcher another song next week. Hopefully tomorrow Kevin is as awful as he was last week, because I'll be voting for the entire 2 hours. Until then, good night and enjoy your dinners of calamari and salmon.
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