What the fuck did Melissa Ethredge ever do to Carly Ray to deserve that treatment? Is that how she got the Cawwly Wae name? Does she do the Kidz Bop version of every song she sings? The cutesy way she cooed out the chorus was disgusting. Ugh, get her Disney wannabe ass off the stage already.

Valentine (Maroon 5) warns Dwight that the worst part of success in the music business is "marketing". Maroon 5 further warns Dwight, "Welcome to an entirely different type of hell, my friend!"

Apparently there is an entire circle of the Inferno devoted to such singers.

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Dwight parodies every barely competent guitar player who mistakenly thinks he can also sing.

It's HILARIOUS! Who knew Dwight had such comic talent?

American Oracle, might I say that you're particularly on fire today?

I just saw Jaydee. Oof! What happened???

Sorry folks, but I spotted no Stefi, and no Froggie.

That's good though. Neither should be associated with the worst week ever.

Good point, JeanneFan.

Yikes! It's not good when the best part of the show is seeing how Adam Levine is so obviously talking at a videotape of the contestants asking the questions.

AO you are BLAZING today!

I messaged Steffi on MySpazz asking if she made it to the show tonite. Also that she'd wipe the floor with the contestants if she was ON the show.

Tuesday? Oooooooooooooooooooooooo she can point and laugh at the eliminated for me (although she's too nice to ever do that)

Tomorrow I hope they roll in a tv and Moron 5 is on it. The dialogue is

"Hi there, we're Moron 5! We're here to mentor the &;lt;dubbed voice&;gt;CANADIAN IDOLS&;lt;/dub&;gt;!"

Cawwee "Hihihihi Oh Adam I think you're SO dreamy! What advice could you give me?"

Moron 5 "Hi there &;lt;dubbing&;gt; CARLY RAE&;lt;/dub&;gt; Thank you and buy our cds!"

Cawwee "But what about my advice?"

Moron 5 "Hi there &;lt;dubbing&;gt; CARLY RAE&;lt;/dub&;gt; Thank you and buy our cds!"

Cawwee

All total, I think Brian gave the best performance. JayDee and Carly Rae were awful, and everyone else was firmly in the middle. I would have liked Dwight's performance more just on the fact that he threw in a guitar solo, but I hate Santana with a passion, and he basically copied Carlos Santana's version lick for lick.

Thanks Insane! Thanks Smartie!

I hope I gave a few laughs to our suffering Minions who are fighting through cramps, bleeding fingers, and screwed up CI phone switching to VOTE FOR JAYDEE!

Knowing the anguish we will cause Tuesday evening if Jaydee survives makes it all worthwhile...

I'm watching Cawwy Wae wight now, and awl I can say is:

The tards on the CI scaryboard are still having paroxysms over Jayvis's twanging tonight

NO NO NO! How could they pimp that piece of utter tripe?!?!?

Sass: Best version of [Come To My Window] I've ever heard!

Is she drunk???

Jake/Farley say she made it her own "Carly Rae" song.

Yeah, I can make a Melissa Etheredge song sound like not Melissa. Doesn't mean people are going to enjoy it.

You know, even though the conventional wisdom is that Carly's safe after fans rally to save her from last week, I think there's a good chance she might be going:

1. Her fanbase seems to be kinda weak. We know she's been in the bottom 3 twice, which should raise some flags. I also have the feeling that she was in the bottom 3 that one week when only Matt and Martha were shown as being in the bottom, and TPTB didn't want to show her in the bottom again (although that doesn't explain why she was shown in the bottom 3 last week).

2. Tonight she not only sucked, but the judges overlooked it (which basically means all the negatives of a trainwreck without the positive of rallying the fans) . She also sucked by trying to do a new arrangement that didn't work, not unlike Greg last week. I see a pattern....

^^ It's pretty evident that the only reason Cawwy Wae is still there is her sucking ability.

But that said, Brunton will go absolutely apeshit if he's left with Tara as the only remaining "female" in the competition.

So even if Cawwy Wae DOES get the least votes, I suspect they'll pull a stunt -- like eliminating nobody and making next week a double elimination week.

I'm just gonna go right into the review, since I'm late, instead of reading through first:

Couple notes: first off, this was hardly even a theme week. Second, Old El Paso? Did Cheerios not want to be associated with this crapshoot anymore? And finally, for fucks sake, don't put Jaydee and Tara right after each other anymore. How obvious was it that no one wants either of them around after Fishface left?

So, ratings:

1) Dwight - Mr. D'eon, as far as I'm concerned, just cemented his place as not-VFTW-material tonight by giving possibly the best performance of the top 10. I was a bit non-plussed when I heard another Rob Thomas song and saw more idiotic pants, but his vocals were as strong (by Dwight standards) as ever, with a damn guitar solo. As far as I'm concerned, anyone with the balls to flaunt real musicianship on a non-musician show is worthy of the top spot for the week, so good on'ya, Dwight.

2) Carly Rae - Carly does a little non-stylized frontwomaning tonight, singing something a bit less demure than she normally goes for, and I think it pans out. If nothing else, one thing I'm constantly impressed with Carly for is that it seems like she herself is arranging every performance, because they all fit her, and often they're liberally tweaked to degrees the other performers' performances are not.

3) Jaydee - Probably his weakest vocal thusfar, with waaaay too much twang, but in general he's still more consistant than most of the others. I think the song choice was good, because it fits what he does while being more modern, and it allowed him to only tone down his smile to be more believeable, instead of needing to remove it entirely. He so needs to control that leg, though.

4) Tara - May as well have sang This Will Be (an Everlasting Love). Tonight, Tara was channelling Scarlett the Harlot with her HEHs and YEAHs, and hopefully she'll do as well this week. Her face, on the other hand, was channelling Amy Sedaris on Strangers With Candy. It was painful to watch. And listen to.

5) Matt - is just never in good voice. I can understand what the fantards say about his voice, because there's so much potential, underneath his wheezing and lisping and baloo-the-bear faces, but he never gives a performance where that's evident, even at his best. Still, Matt clearly knows he's fucked this week, because he comes out with the piano, then stands, then crowdbothers, and gives his personal best performance, though not an amazing one by others' standards, nor a good vocal one. Matt threw everything he could into saving his ass this week. I really really hope it fails.

6) Gargamelo - looks like fucking Marcel Marceau, and doesn't have the compassion to sing like him, as he is most definitely audible despite the mime get-up. However, the code of the mime is strong in his shirt and hat, as it's strangling him harder and harder with each note he sings. By the chorus, his voice is reduced to grunts, and by the time the chorus' second half comes in, he's sputtering and gasping... the shirt collar is choking the fuck out of him for disgracing it's heritage... he just barely survives, since he only has to sing for about 2.5 minutes, and a human can last without air for three. How is he the new chosen one?

OK, it wasn't all bad. But when it sucked...PEE YEWWW!

The judges need to get over Greg's booting. He murdered a Queen song, and he had to be punished for that.

1) Brian. I think he's actually the best overall out of who's left. He's improved a lot since the beginning, and tonight I was almost impressed. Almost.

Grade: A-

2) Matt. Yes, Matt, which reminds me that, yes, this show did suck. A lot. OK, so he grinned like an idiot, but it didn't suck much otherwise.

Grade: B

3) Dwight. Voice - Meh. Performance - Very Good. Outfit - Inexplicable.

Grade: B-

4) Tara. I liked the song choice, I liked that she looked pretty good, but the voice was off and the judges shat upon her with glee.

Grade: C

5) Cawwy Wae. For those of you who have yet to view it, it's the Cawwy Wae that we love to make fun off, all the way. You'll wince. You'll gag. You'll . Especially over the pimpage. Aside from the occasional good moment, 90% of it was still really, really bad, but the judges 'gasmed over it. Hard.

Grade: C-

6) Jaydee: Sorry, guys. It really was not good at all. Not even in a VFTW way. I kept waiting for him to sing one good note...and kept waiting...and waiting... I don't know what happened. Alsp, I think he needs to go back to smiling all the time.

Grade: D- - and the pass is only because he's been such a good pick over the past five weeks.

So where does that leave us? Who knows? I did guess there was a 1% chance of a Smeg irony shocker boot, so maybe the biggest long shot out of those who may go home will get the boot?

Let's see:

Tara: Safe. But she may be B2/B3. Which means she'll get to at least Top 4.

Brian: Safe. Was B2 last week and really good this week. Will get most of Smeg's votes. He may be the sleeper to win this year, or at least make Top 3. Difficult to guess since he's from just outside Toronto. Someone's got to fill the Greg void for TCPTB, and it's Brian.

Dwight: Safe. That mean guitar solo and utterly bizarre outfit made the East Coast 'gasm. May be B2/B3 for scare factor.

Which leaves us with Jaydee, Matt, and Cawwy.

Matt is difficult to predict. He had a decent week, and he's from Saskatchewan, which isn't like being from Newfoundland, but it's a lot better than being from Ontario or British Columbia. I want to raise the possibility of Manitoba joining in the Rapley voting; does it work that way? I'll call Matt the wildcard for now, and say anything can happen.

Cawwy was just bad. I can't even explain it. The judges may drip over her, but they dripped over Greg, too. Canada just votes based on how they want to vote, regardless of the judges' comments. I love that! Anyway, she's in danger this week. BC doesn't give a shit, anyway.

Jaydee is also in a lot of danger, but he may get sympathy votes from the kiddies (Jugdes' m33n comments!), and of course, he has us. And Alberta. Go, Alberta, go!

Unless they rig it, I'll be optimistic and say it's gonna be Cawwy. Jaydee still has another good week left in him.

Because Melissa's version is crap?

Technically, any other version stands a good chance of being better.

Sometimes when I hear a song I know really well, my brain just automatically fills in the lyrics. So when Live came out with that stupid dolphin song, I didn't like and never listened to it again, hence I don't know the lyrics. Needless to say, I couldn't understand one fucking word Brian was trying to sing tonight.

Ditto for Matt.

Tara was drowned out by the band that just droned on and on, which is sad because I always liked that song.

Carly Rae = Jewel. 'Nuff said.

I have to agree with Adder on Dwight. For Dwight, it wasn't half bad.

Jaydee was awful which for our purpose was 100% bang on. Go Jayvis for a

And finally Zach. Loved his comments, but I wish he would have cried like a baby to match his whining.

Before I even start, I can safely say that the best and most entertaining performer tonight is Oracle. Reading his commentary has given me one hell of a lot more entertainment than this silly show could ever give me.

Ok, on to the show. It started out very encouraging when we were threatened with Maroon 5, and then were spared from it. But then came all the Greg shit, and the show declined steadily from there. What is pop rock? Here's my definition. It's CRAPPY rock, simple as that. And if things weren't getting bad enough, we are now cursed with some Maroon 5 noise. However, that set the stage pretty well for me, because now that I had an upset stomach, I was ready for the onslaught of crap, because after hearing Moron 5, I felt that the worst was over.

Tara - Walking on Sunshine. Question to Moron 5, How do you perform on stage without sacrificing vocals? Answer - Not to worry. We don't have any vocals to begin with, so there's nothing to sacrifice. I love that song, but Tara messed it up. And after her performance, it definitely sounded like "pimp the remaining favorite, rip the country folks" night for the judges. Grade - C-.

Jaydee - Amazed. Moron 5 question, How do you handle your fame? Answer - We laugh all the way to the bank whenever anyone is dumb enough to buy our music. Anyways, the only amazing thing about Jaydee's performance is how bad it was. I actually liked it better the second time I listened to it, but he really butchered the end of that song by missing three notes, including the last one. If he survives this, this will be his last mulligan. He needs to get that rockabilly edge back quick. Grade - D+, and that's generous.

Matt - Everything. Moron 5 question, How do you stay focused on stage without getting caught up in all the excitement around you? Answer - Luckily, none of the excitement is about us, so its not hard for us to stay away from it. What does Matt Rapley and a drive through southwestern Kansas have in common? They're both flat and boring. Of course, Matt himself is anything but flat, if you know what I mean. Anyways, his performance was somewhat tolerable when he hid behind the piano, but it rose to new levels of suckdom when he got up and started wobbling like a penguin. And, saying that this performance was the best of the night so far wasn't really saying much. Grade, C.

Carly Horse - Come to my window - Moron 5 question, How do you make your final decision on artistic choices? Answer - Since everything we do sucks, we just throw a dart at sticky notes on a dartboard. Problem is, we're such wusses, and nobody can hit the damn thing. Carly's performance made me want to throw a brick through the window. It didn't sound so much like Jewel tonight. Instead, it sounded more like Elmer Fudd. And that glory note - If the dead were to arise and hear that, they'd just kill themselves again. Grade, C-.

Brian - Dolphins Cry - Moron 5 question, How do you maintain emotion in a song when you sing it every day? Answer - That's easy. We hear how bad we sound on our monitors, and it makes us cry. Well, if a dolphin could hear Brian's performance, it would cry, too. He screamed throughout the whole thing, and I still don't know what the top of his head looks like. Based on the outfit he was wearing, a more appropriate song would have been The Pretenders' Back on the Chain Gang. Upward rise??? Well, maybe from Greg . . . Grade, C.

And finally, to close out this disaster, we have Dwight - Smooth. Moron 5 question, What part of the business has surprised you the most after become a number one selling artist? Answer - The number of suckers out there that buy our music and go to our shows. Dwight comes out looking like a Hollywood pimp. His vocal was horrible, but I think maybe his guitar saved him. I'll give him that - he is a very fine guitar player. However, pop rock is not his forte, nor is any other type of music that involves great vocals. He's much more cut out for screamo hard rock. Gads, that must have been painful for him to praise Maroon 5. In reality, he probably hates them as much as I do. Grade, F for the singing, A for the guitar, average, C.

At least they were nice enough to give us advance warning that Moron 5 will be performing tomorrow night. And as far as Jaydee goes, he will probably luck out because so many others sucked as bad, if not worse, than he did.

Oh yeah, Oracle, A+!!!!