Oh my god...I swear tonight Canadian Idol has become a bad episode of The Next Best Thing! It seems imitators of somewhat talented people were on stage as opposed to our regular I-dulls. So let's get down to it, let's rate ourselves some imitators! And hell, the "guests" this week didn't even bother to show up -- guess having their #1 fan be knocked out must've given them Canadian Idol 'flu, perhaps?

SHANIA TWAIN (TARETCHEN WILORAM): Losing the dominatrix costume and walking into something you could get at Wal-Mart or could be found in Faith Hill's wardrobe, "Shania" launches into the classic "Walkin' on Sunshine". Shame it sounded more like "Walkin' in a Cloud of Cricket Ball-sized Hail without an Umbrella". And trust me, cricket ball sized hail hurts.

GARTH BROOKS (JAYDEE): Looks like we've lost our Elvis impersonator, and in his place a new "Garth Brooks". Look, as bad as you're trying to be, that was bad. It's not even VFTW bad as many of us have already said. It's just plain ass bad. As plain as stale white bread that tastes like sawdust. Come on Jaydee, we can only save you so many times...

MICHAEL BUBLE (DOORMATT CRAPLEY): Nothing like a black guy trying to act and sing white to really crap up the stew. It's like the opposite of Vanilla Ice, and we know how bad an idea he was! SO WHAT THE HELL MAKES YOU THINK DOING IT AGAIN WILL MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE?! Otherwise, another piece of boring-ass shit.

AVRIL LAVIGNE (LOLITA FAKE): First it started off as a piece of disinterested mismash, then when the Fiona Apple (or whoever the hell wails like a fucking banshee in her music, fill in the blank)-esque wailing began it all went further and further downhill. It was at that time I was actually waiting for Hell's Kitchen to start -- AND I FUCKING HATE GORDON RAMSAY!!

FRENCH MIME (CRYIN' SMELLO): I was too busy actually finding Yvon of the Yukon funny on YTV to care.

EDWARD SCISSORHANDS (DWIGHT): Surprisingly decent performance for a soft rock song I heard about a hundred million times while I was working at Staples. God I hated that place...either way, back on topic, it was actually a watchable performance! Surprise, surprise!

I have to agree that our boy is in trouble, so I went to the trouble to keep redialing over and over at least 20 times tonight for our boy Jaydee. Hopefully this will save him for whatever is coming up next week!

Tonight's blog up:

Top 6 Perform: "Boo-Hoo...Greg's Gone...STFU!"

-try to pimp this to Greg's and Jaydee's fans. They should really like it ;)

-hey frogtard, you're mentioned!

brilliant as always, Pickle, but you forgot baby Melo!

Or maybe he was just too lame to review?

Wow, that was just nasty in all kinds of ways.

First off: Moron 5 suck harder than Gina on her Hen Night: I thought the whole point of mentoring was to show up and, well, fucking mentor the Idols, not answer lame questions from the garden of the Four Seasons, or some other remote location. Clearly, this show has lost any commercial clout it once had (assuming it ever had any).

Tara: thought she did a good job of c-untryfying this overplayed song, not sure why she got ripped so badly (reverse psychology?)

Jaydee - putting Jaydee and Tara together means they desperately want one of them gone. Jaydee puts on an accent straight out of Deliverance (or from somewhere West of Pigrape, Kentucky). It's a VFTW-worthy performance and I have to hope he continues.

Matt Boringo: very Klashy performance from the rotund one and for once he wasn't boring. This probably means he will be bottom 3 this week.

Cawwy Wae: OMG, just shoot me, Cawwy doing Milissa Everidge and she even has to tone it down. Even then, it exposes pretty much every weakness she has. Cawwy can't rock, so.... get the Marmalade ready!

Bwian: attempts a Live song. Noooo, you fool! Who do you think you are? Chris freaking Daughtry? This was just and extracted much unwarranted pimpage from the judges. Get the Raspberry jelly ready!

Dwight: tonight Dwight is going to show us the difference between a guitar legend like Carlos Santana and a Canadian Bar-band hack. Thankyou Dwight, that was very instructive. Now, please don't do that again, ever.

For me, the best were, strangely enough, Tara and Matt. Bottom 3: most likely: Jaydee, Brian and Cawwy, with Bwian or Cawwy getting the chop.

I didn't forget Brian at all. I mentioned all the relevent points ;)

I went back and watched the performance again, and since his horrible vocals ruined my eardrums the first time, on second view I found you were indeed incredibly accurate :chickenlittle

I think Angelina Jolie borrowed it from Naomi Joy.

My two cents:

I hate to be Miss Pedantic Pants but that incredibly ugly Josh Palmer (he of hideous hairdos and repulsive teeth) actually did a guitar solo in CI3. So Ben told a porkie tonight!

I watched this show with a growing sense of disgust in the Idol machine today.

Tara - Shania Twain did not do that song, so why are you singing it like she did? Where's the bondage gear? That was the only interesting thing about you last week, do it again!

Jaydee - why is it his right leg beats its own time, totally different to the rhythm of the song? One of these days he's going to lose concentration and finally not sing in that fake Elvis voice - you can tell it requires all his concentration which is why he stands there so stiffly and randomly moves occasionally. That was....ummmm

Doormatt - apparently you sound better live. Well on tv you sound quite dead and flat, neither of which I would think possible for someone as FAT as you. Stop eating! You always sound out of breath, probably as your gut is squeezing the life out of your lungs! Awful, once again.

Cawwee - AAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII sorry was having a flashback to that long note that cracked and took out several swallows flying overhead. What the? Nice try to suck up to the lesbians, lady, they're not silly and falling for it, you skank.

Bwian - was that Freddie Krueger up there? And could I please get subtitles for him when he "sings" as I cannot understand a word of it. He danced around like a drunk Aussie at a BBQ where the beer is flowing like water. Bizarre. Bad.

Dwight - what sort of a bet did you lose? It must have been a bad one if you were forced to wear that hideous clown costume! Wow, another shitty/flat performance and some ordinary guitar work. Boring.

Best of the night......ummmmmmmmmmmmmm Zack. He made the funniest bitchy remarks.

Wow, Fender, I completely agree with most of the points you've made in your review.

Especially the ones about Carly. You bring the bricks, I'll bring the steak knives.

Well that show was Crap-Tastic. Some of them didn't even sing Pop-Rock. JAYDEE DIDN'T SING POP-ROCK!!! *Sob*

What was the reason of that theme anyways, other then to pimp Moron 5?

I haven't read throug this whole thing so forgive me if this was already pointed out somewhere but Ben saying that Dwight did CI's first ever guitar solo was incorrect. Josh Palmer did CI's first guitar solo in a season where they weren't supposed to play instruments and Jake gave him shit for it and then was punted from the show the very next night.

As far as the performances went...honestly, not one of them did it for me last night at all but I still kept with the cause and voted for Jaydee as much as possible!

I'm confused....Canadian Idol sucks donkey balls, but when Maroon 5 don't bother to show up to the donkey-ball-sucking show and be forced to sit face-to-face with these terribly boring contestants, you guys roast them? Not saying "don't roast them", but really...would YOU have shown up to this crapfest of a show if you could have gotten out of it?

Had to get that off my chest. My vote for most VFTW moment: Dwight's stupid faces during his little solo.

I actually applaud them for not showing up. I prefer to rip them for being the crappiest band of all time with an anorexic singer who doesn't have enough balls to come out ;)

I think you folks are way overestimating the amount of "face time" Maroon 5 gave these wannabees -- even by satellite.

It is evident to me that CI filmed a random discussion with Maroon 5 -- quite possibly a long time ago before Maroon 5 realized what a Turkey this is turning into -- and then edited in scripted questions from the wannabees AFTER THE FACT to make it LOOK LIKE Maroon 5 was responding to questions.

Since this week was SUPPOSED to be all about Greg week, I'm sure TCPTB had to flush the footage they really intended to use and resort to this sort of lame fakery.

ETA: Oh and yes, I wanted to point out that apparently the iDols suck just as bad With Mentoring (prior weeks) as Without Mentoring (this week). I'm actually a bit surprised by that. I expected the With Mentoring performances to end up being the suckier ones.

Fixed. ;)

If I were Moron 5 I would stay home too.

Have I got to worry about THIS SHIT now? Fuck me!!!! UGH! :lakisha

I know.

You know American Oracle, your theory is crazy enough to be true. It wouldn't be as fake as when artists appeared on AI this year and Ryan pretended to have a dialogue with them despite the fact that the performances were taped weeks before.

It's time for an investigation ;)

hmm interesting but i doubt it.. didnt the guy say taras name while he was answering the question?

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