It's official: Demi Lovato has been named as the fourth judge on X Factor. If you're like me, you're asking yourself: Who the fuck is Demi Lovato to be judging a singing contest? All I know is she's a 19-year-old from the Disney machine and she likes to cut herself.

I get what Simon's trying to do but how will contestants like Stacy Francis and Leroy Bell feel about being judged by a 19-year-old? In any case, this is Simon's last chance because if this doesn't work, nothing will.

By the way Simon, next to your two new judges, you're suddenly looking very old.

In a few hours, the auctions on eBay will end for our The Voice 2012 caricatures. 100% of the money made from these auctions (after eBay's fees) goes directly to Laura Hawbaker for all of the time and effort she put into creating these masterpieces. So don't let them slip through your fingers - keep an eye out and make sure to bid on your favorite one from Chris Mann with Christina Aguilera to Juliet Simms' wings to Tony Lucca's Mickey Mouse ears. The auctions start ending around 7:45 PM Eastern time tonight.

Tony Lucca
Chris Mann & Christina Aguilera
Erin Martin
James Massone
Mathai
Pip
RaeLynn
Juliet Simms 

As snarky as we are, this website obviously doesn't condone murder. And we like Jennifer Hudson, she's good people. So when Jennifer's mother, brother, and nephew were murdered, we were hoping the bastard who did it would be brought to justice. Today, the jury issued a verdict in the murder trial, and William Balfour, Jennifer's former brother-in-law, was found guilty of murdering Jennifer's family members. He now faces life in prison. May this help the Hudson family have some closure in this horrible tragedy.

So it looks like Hollie Cavanagh is finally toast. Not shocking, she never had any emotion in any of her songs. But we wanted to make sure our #wgwg5 made it into the top 3. As Steven said tonight, Phillip just doesn't care about anything. He half asses his performances. He skips the Ford commercials. He'll be the perfect winner if he can somehow sneak past the predetermined top 2 and get into the finale. 

So now, it's up to us. Phillip must knock out either Joshua or Jessica next week. If he can do that, the judges, the producers, and America will be pissed. Get your dialing fingers ready for next week - we'll need to vote our asses off. But we can do it, Worsters. #wgwg5 FTW!

It's the Top 4 and you know things are getting serious as the judges shoved extra hard tonight on the contestants they want to throw under the bus. Randy looks like an ice cream vendor, one who ate their entire stock. Round 1 is songs from acts from California, people like Rebecca Black, Willow Smith and Katharine McPhee. Phillip is up first so we won't have to wait long to find out how the show is going to try to sabotage our pick this week. Phil seems to be really getting into the California spirit tonight as he's acting like he's smoked some of the state's finest herb. He's doing a CCR song and even five months into this show I'm still amused by how ridiculous the name Phillip Phillips is. Phil has no guitar for this performance so we get to see the best dancing on TV since Elaine on Seinfeld. Phillip is either trying to add as many Oo-Oo-Oos as possible to this song or he's just passing another one of his kidney stones. And Idol may have found its first star in about 6 years...Random Hot Saxophone Girl!

#wgwg5 is clearly the worst one left. He even knows it. Idol is clearly trying to ditch him by making him sing first so that everyone forgets. But we won't forget. Just like he slayed the Skylar beast last week, he can slay one of the others this week. We can't be complacent though and watch him get eliminated. He needs our votes because one week of fewer votes is what separates him from his hometown visit in the top 3 and a hometown visit out of the competition. If we can get Phillip to the top 3, the hometown visit will help invigorate his fanbase to vote even more. So we must get him over this hump.

1-866-436-5701

And vote at AmericanIdol.com

Don't stop until your fingers bleed. And if you know a fat, Southern woman, remind her it is her duty to vote for Phillip too. Write to all of the lonely older women you know and subtly suggest to them that Phillip will fuck them if he wins the show. That's worth a few votes.

Note: This is the second of two fictional recaps that I've written, as I won't be able to recap the live shows until next week. I'll be back then my usual 'real' recaps. Until then, enjoy.

We're back after the best week that American Idol has ever had. You're probably wondering, "How? How could this show possibly get any better than it was last week?" Well, what if I told you that the theme this week is "Songs From The VFTW Worst Songs List"? What if I told you that rumors have been flying all week that the new judges might bail soon? And what if I told you that even though Joshua turned out to be Fantasia herself, the producers are allowing her to compete as Fantasia? I guess the show felt that a second Fantasia win is better than the vast majority of their first wins have been.

It's official...Britney Spears is the new judge on X Factor! How much does it cost to get the World's most famous lip syncer to judge a karaoke show: How about $15 million.

On paper, this sounds very exciting as Britney is still Britney and she can still have a complete meltdown on live TV at any given moment. But once the dust settles, we may land up with someone with a very dull personality who couldn't pass an X Factor audition if her life depended on it.

Here are the spoilers for tonight's show.

Surely lovebirds Phillip and Joshua are teamed up for Eternal Flame.

Who saw this one coming? The guy no one was really paying attention to, Jermaine Paul, ended up winning The Voice. And now that makes the 2nd Bald Black Guy With a Record Deal to win this show in 2 seasons. Next year, we're going to have to support #bbgwrd3 because this is definitely the antithesis to Idol. But no matter what, a female will never win a televised singing show ever again. We're still shocked and laughing - how did this guy win? It's hilarious!

In the end, VTW pick Tony Lucca got 3rd place and Christina Aguilera's closet case Chris Mann got 4th. So we helped piss off Christina, just as we intended. We feel good about that! Great work, everyone.

Make sure to bid on the official VFTW The Voice caricatures. They're awesome!