Brenna Gethers, our favorite Idol alum, worked together with VFTW to create this hilarious video titled "Brenna's Revenge". Watch as Brenna takes on Randy, drunken Paula, and Simon in a 3 on 1 wrestling match. Does Brenna have what it takes to beat up the loathsome threesome? Well, watch and find out, and share it with your friends!

American Idol wraps up the Official Bad Singing portion of their show with this silly afterthought of a time-waster episode.  Of course, everyone here at VFTW knows that the Bad Singing on AI never ends.

 

Before we get down to business I just have one question.  What does “Yes, 1000 per cent!” mean?  This has become the new “pitchy” for judge comments.  Since a yes vote is a yes vote, who gives a rip if Simon says it’s 100%, 1000% or 1.5%.  It’s stupid and 1000% yes is mathematically redundant.  Please stop.

 

Quick run-through of the moments of absurdity:

1. Krista - she wears a stupid outfit and does some bad singing.  It’s three ‘no’s’ until Krista starts crying and begging so Paula switches her vote to ‘yes.”  See the “judges votes are final.”
2. Tami “Bo Bice” – Tami is a beastly pedi-cab driver who declares she can drive Randy and Simon and Paula up a hill on her bicycle.  Not so fast Bo, it looks like Randy has been cheating on his Jenny Craig diet.  Simon says Tami really stood out... by singing a song Bo Bice brought back to people’s attention just last year.  Tami has an ugly lip ring, which probably is the genesis of my hatred for her.
3. Paul the Pool Boy – Paul, an Asian guy, who is forced to draw a comparison between himself and William Hung, because AI thinks William Hung is ALL ASIANS.  Paul seems cocky and full of himself, until he reveals that he’s a Pool Boy.  So I immediately embrace him because I’m a Pool Boy sympathizer.  Paul sings some boy band song and isn’t terrible, but his vocals are breathy and affected.  Thankfully he’s going to Hollywood, where he’ll drop off the face of the planet because no Asian will ever make it bigger than William Hung on this show.
4. Gina – a mannish-looking girl who says she failed on Idol several times already, but she makes a go of it again.  Gina has VFTW possibilities as she can’t sing, wears a bee t-shirt, and does the poopy dance as she sings.  The judges pity her and send her to Hollywood where she will drop off the face of the planet because no lesbian will ever make it bigger than Clay Aiken on this show.
5. The Roller Girls – three girls who give free advertising to some stupid 1950’s retro roller derby restaurant.  Roller Girl 1 declares that she tried out for American Idol because: “Why not?  I’m American.”  Uh, two strong arguments there, Roller Girl.  Roller Girl 2 wears so much make-up that Scary Paula is forced to warn her about the dangers of wearing too much make-up.  Whoo, that’s a lot of make-up.  And Roller girl 3 is the best as she’s hot and can sing.  She’s a ringer, I tell you.  And she won’t make it past Hollywood because beautiful, talented people NEVER make it to the finals.
6. Wes the Magnificent -  A bald guy in a gold satin shirt, who gets far too much screen time for how boring and forgettable he really is.  However, it does solve the question of where the name “Wes” comes from.  Apparently it’s a nick-name for William which doesn’t need any more nick-names as it spawned Will, Willy, Bill, Billy and Will.I.Am. 

 

We also get a cameo from Wrong Door, which made my night.

And that wraps up Bad Singing month.  Next week is the terrible Hollywood Week, which always gets the lowest ratings on Idol, so they truncated it to two episodes.  So we’ll take the 172 finalists (out of a hundred thousand?!?  What a horrible success rate.)  And then we’ll whittle that down to 12 of the MOST TALENTED SINGERS IN AMERICA!!!  Because this is a singing competition, not a freak show after all.  Right?  Right?

 

And speaking about my movie…  Hardcore Hunting: Extreme is currently playing for free on Youtube.com, for the low, low price of FREE.  So check it out.

 

Chan   

Why? Why more? Why did we have to sit through these awful auditions for another episode? I’d rather we just jumped to Hollywood where everyone curses each other out and acts like idiots. That’s the good stuff. Or the voting where we VFTW and piss people off. Auditions suck and I am so happy they’re over. Unfortunately, I still have to write a recap for the “Best of the Rest” episode. Thus, expect it to be the opposite of American Idol: short, sweet, actually funny, accurate, and it might teach you something.

 

American Idol’s lesson number one tonight is to have “the look”. One can only assume this means you have to dress like a cheap whore to win Simon’s approval. Christa Fazzino doesn’t have it because she wears weird clothes and she’s proud of it. Tami Gosnell doesn’t have it either, because she looks like a dude and sings Whipping Post with a really talented throwback sort of voice. Christa is obviously cut and Tami obviously makes it through. So neither had the look, yet one made it and one didn’t.

 

Dave’s lesson number one: American Idol contradicts itself and lies all the time. Don’t listen to a word it says and do the exact opposite. You will see the wisdom of this.

 

Idol’s lesson number two is to get inspiration from a famous singer. Of course, most people who came in this season trying to be “the next (insert name here)” were turned away. Paul Kim does not want to be the next William Hung, because he says Asians aren’t given their fair shot in the music industry because they have bad role models. Hey, I remember Jasmine Trias and Jose “Sway” Penala sucking it up on the Idol stage… I guess he’s right. Paul sings in some demented voice with odd grunts; he sounds like he's exhaling cigarette smoke when he sings. It's creepy and weird. It’s pretty awful, but the judges let the poolboy through anyway.

 

Jack Odanovich then gets inspiration from Bo Bice to sing the acapella song from season four, but he stinks at it. So Paul didn’t have inspiration from an Idol singer, he actually didn’t like him, and he made it through. And Jack had inspiration, yet didn’t make it through. Another contradiction.

 

Lesson number three is to never give up. That sure worked for the people who begged and pleaded for gold tickets, right? The only person who got a gold ticket after a no was Ashlyn Carr, the weird face girl from San Antonio, and she gave up and left before she was brought back. Again, this lesson is wrong. Giving up gets you a golden ticket.

 

Gina Glocksen comes back to suck hardcore for the judges. After proclaiming she was a rocker last year, she sang a song from obscure heavy metal artist Celine Dion, and made it to Hollywood. Soon, she was cut for sucking, but she came back anyway to try out again this year. Where’s “quit while you’re ahead”, that’s a valuable lesson too. Gina sings some Black Velvet poorly and inspires VFTW to love her. She also has a hopeless crush on Simon Cowell that she really needs to let go of. She’s going to Hollywood again, only to find out she’s not going to win this year, but instead become a very likely VFTW pick. See what never giving up gets you?

 

Edward Sanchez also never gave up, so he taught himself to dance from Paula Abdul videos. He sings a song that goes something like this:

 

I had a girl, Paula was her name.

Since she started using, she’s never been the same.

Cause she loves her pills, Paula, how high can she be?

Oh Paula, Oh Paula, Oh Paula, Oh Paula

 

Edward doesn’t make it to Hollywood, but he’s ok because he was kissed by Paula. Then she blows him another kiss. He must be her supplier. Or he must have whispered sweet vodka in her ear when they hugged, powerful enough that she could smell it and relate. Either way, he gives up and goes home.

 

Lesson number four from the worst show on television: Never audition in groups. We are then treated to a group who auditions, letting 2 of them through to Hollywood. So, they shouldn’t have auditioned in groups because… why? They made it. The group consists of rollerskanks Heather Rennie, Ashley Cleland, and Ebony Jointer. Heather goes first and isn’t that great. It's a no. Ashley goes second (she told us beforehand that she should try out for Idol because “I’m American”. Brilliant.) and makes it after telling Paula she’s an old hag. And Ebony goes last and makes it through when Simon says she’s way better than the others. What he means is that she’s the only one to blow him last night in his hotel room, so she’s an automatic yes. Simon also has a thing for anorexic, curly-haired chicks.

 

Terri Seymour, his submissive current girlfriend:

 

Leona Lewis, the cheap ho he pimped all season on The X-Factor, a boring British rip off of American Idol (which is a boring rip off of England's Pop Idol):

Ebony Jointer:

Eat a cheeseburger, ladies.

 

Lesson number 5 is to shake your moneymaker. We’re then treated to brokenote cowboy Matthew Buckstein from last year saying he doesn’t dance… and he makes it. Then Alexander Nazario walks in (I thought he was a woman) and pulls out some Abdul style dance moves before shrieking Making Love Out of Nothing At All. He doesn’t have “enough monies” for a singing coach, but he does have one distinction from this episode: HE WENT OUT THE WRONG DOOR. Boo-ya.

 

So, the dancer didn’t make it, and the non-dancer did. The lessons are 5 for 5 in being completely wrong. Shall we try for 6?

 

Lesson 6 is Clarity. That’s it. There’s no lesson there. This show blows. Lakisha Jones, this year’s token annoying, fat, and screechy diva, walks in and belts out some Aretha. The judges love it. I’m already bored as she brings absolutely nothing new to the lackluster alumni association of Mandisa, Boomie, Kim Locke, etc. Look for her to go far and then be mysteriously voted out when people tire of her screaming.

 

Who knows if that lesson was correct or not? They weren’t even clear on what they were trying to get across. Oh wait… I guess that means they didn’t practice clarity. 6 for 6, these lessons were inaccurate and pointless, as was this terrible filler of an episode.

 

A promise of a new day is shown though, as Hollywood looks as dramatic as ever, and we’re this much closer to voting. We even get to submit our own songs for the winner to sing. Look for many VFTW submissions for that one, including some of my own that I’ll post here.

 

Next week a girl cries, “God, why did I even come here?” in Hollywood. Good question. Probably because you’re naïve and think you’ve entered a talent competition. Silly girl. Now go home and cry some more so we can get to the voting. Until next time, remember, everything Idol says is wrong.

 

The Norma Lee show takes an interesting turn in episode 4, where VFTW's very own Norma Lee talks about her hair and sings us a new song. Seriously, if you're a fan of the American Idol auditions, Norma Lee is a billion times funnier. So watch her! We love you, Norma Lee, keep doin' what you're doin'.

Howdy Boys and Girls.

So it took until the last week of bad singing for me to figure out a fool-proof system to blog this stuff.  Since I was too busy working on my short film I missed the actual AI show and had to blast through it on TiVO this morning in about 10 minutes.  And guess what,  the show is BETTER in 10 minutes! 

 

The best bit of comedy I read this week was that Randy is hard at work on his SOLO ALBUM!   Oh yeah, Mr. Pitchy is recording an album of his own.  I can only hope he sings on it, because I’m already sharpening my knives to carve him a new one.  Or maybe he calls in his “friends” Michael Bolton, Celine Deion and Clay Aiken to make guest appearances. 

 

Here’s my observations in my 10 minutes of AI watching:

 

1)    Billy Idol guy -  Scary bearded guy in camouflage pants who shouts Billy Idol.  He’s psycho and does the song as good as Billy Idol, but sadly doesn’t move on.

2)    Tan Girl – 16 year old blonde girl with a sweet voice.  Simon calls her “boring” but she deserves a “second chance.”  So she moves on.  Except that she can sing better than half the finalists last year, so she doesn’t need a “second chance” and she can probably win the show this year.  But yeah, she needs a “second chance.”

3)    Bailey the Fashionista Pickler- Farm girl who thinks she belongs in the city.  Pickler Dad says it’s hard to work the fields in high heels.  Good line, Pickler Dad.  If it was true.  Bailey sings a country song really, really well.  So I’m calling Bailey a ringer, and if she spent 10 minutes on a farm I’m a cowboy.

4)     Bruce Banner and the Incredible Hulk – A couple of fun-lovin’ cousins who live together.  Hulk sings like the Hulk but in the second funniest moment of the show he warns the Judges before he “shouts threats” at them, to protect his street cred.  Bruce is visibly shaken, but he sings with a strong Motown voice.  I pick Bruce to be this year’s Anwar – the guy who is a great singer, but the judges lose interest in him halfway through the finals so the fans forget to vote for him even though he’s one of the best singers on the show.

5)    Sandie Finger in Her Ear – Sandie puts another nail in the coffin of the reputation of Singing Teachers throughout America as she mumbles through a flat, toneless rendition of an unrecognizable song.  Simon makes her cry.  My only question is, does she teach her students to sing with their finger in their ears? 

6)    Ashlyn – who sings prettily but makes horrible Porno Faces that distract from her singing.  Remember when I called Ryan’s “The Judges decisions are final” line the biggest BS moment of the show?  That’s because of tonight.  After the judges send Ashlyn home, they “realize” that maybe she’s talented after all and they bring her back to re-audition.  This time Ashlyn is terrible and flat, but the judges let her through because we need more Porno Faces in the finals.

7)    Jimmy Studdard – A svelte Ruben clone who sings pretty but he ain’t Ruben.  So of course the judges love him.

 

And then, the greatest moment of this season so far:

8)    Wrong Door Montage – We see a series of people trying to go through the Evil Wrong Door.  Paula, whose medication must’ve started to wear off obserbed: “This will be the theme of the entire season.”  No, really.  What an astute observation Paula, just a mere month after everyone else figured it out she’s finally catching on.

 

And that’s that.  So from now on I watch the entire bad singing shows in 10 minutes.

And speaking of my Movie…

I have completed my first comedic short film “Hardcore Hunting: Extreme.”  I invite you to check it out for 4 minutes of comedic gold.

 

Either go to Youtube and search for “Hardcore Hunting” or go to my brother’s site –

kirinkapin.com.

 

Just one more week of suffering before we finally get to the Finals.  Finally.

 

Chan

The producers of American Idol know what’s really holding this show together: Vote for the Worst. No one watches for the talent anymore. No one. And in this episode, only one person even slightly passed as a VFTW Hollywood contender. So what could the producers do to appease the Worsters during a boring episode? WRONG DOOR IS BACK, BITCHES. As if it wasn’t obvious before that the producers secretly love VFTW and read everything on this site, it’s now more obvious since they made a Wrong Door montage just for me. More on my favorite contestant, Wrong Door, later.

 

Bryan Kyrish is up first in San Antonio. His idols include Billy Idol, Ozzy Osbourne, AC/DC, Chris Daughtry, Whitney Houston, and ABBA. Winning a mock American Idol gave him the confidence to enter the real deal. Soon, he’s yelling Rebel Yell with all of the fire of Jamie Lynn Ward’s dad’s gun. Of course he’s denied, but then Semencrust asks him to sing him a love song and to pretend that he’s the Beast from Beauty and the Beast. Seriously. What the hell? Is that some odd role playing kink I haven’t discovered yet? “Oh Belle, you like it when my tea cups give it to you like that, don’t you?” Scary.

 

Next up is Haley Scarnato who goes through as many boring clichés as she can in a minute about how she just wants her shot. Yawn. She then shakes everyone’s hands and explains that the entire back of her shirt was torn off by Ryan “Beast” Seacrest in a casting couch session. Soon, she sings I Can’t Make You Love Me. It’s good. It’s boring. The judges give her a second chance to not be boring. It won’t happen. She’ll sail through and bore us to tears for a while. Or she’ll go all out and try to be different, igniting a VFTW flame.

 

Jasmine Holland is shy. She timidly stands before the judges to sing Nobody’s Supposed to be Here, but the judges all start cracking up at her VFTW style voice. So Jasmine does what any good Worster would do; she calls them out on their shit. First she fires into Simon and Randy for laughing at her. BAM! Then she follows up by telling Randy he sucks because she’d never heard of him before Idol and that he does nothing because he’s in the background. POW! Then the family joins in and tells Simon to go back to "French"… or wherever he’s from. KAZAAM! They then realize he’s not from “French,” he’s from “British,” so they tell him to go back to "British." WHAT’S A BALLSY! Man, I’m loving the Holland family. I deem them honorary Worsters at heart. Nice work, ladies!

 

Oh look, here comes cute little Baylie Brown. She’s from the country, but she hates it since she’s a city girl at heart. Translation: She’ll be living on the street within the next 3 years, looking for a sugar daddy to support her music career. Baylie doesn’t interact with the horses on her farm because she’s scared they might “eat me or something.” Seriously. She said that. She also gets about an hour worth of “shots from home”, a luxury not many singers so far have received. Major pimpage. She begins to sing Stronger by Faith Hill, and her twang gets stronger and stronger as the song goes on. By the end, she’s in full Pickler mode. Simon basically shoots a load in his pants as he explains that she’s “born to be a pop star”, “commercial with a capital C”, and “a record label’s dream”. Hmmm… I wonder if he likes her? She easily makes it to Hollywood.

 

After Baylie saunters off to get eaten by a horse, the real star of the show is revealed. The motherfucking WRONG DOOR is back. Now I’m wetting myself. Soon, the Wrong Door gets its own montage that is 59 minutes too short. Why can’t the episode tomorrow just be shots of the Wrong Door over and over? It would be so much better. Everyone loves the Wrong Door. And to defy all odds, one girl actually pushes through the wrong door with her golden ticket! Is she a mere mortal? No, she must be a goddess of the highest divinity. What a lucky girl… she got to touch the wrong door.

 

So once the Wrong Door heard how much I loved it, it agreed to do an interview with the site. Here is a WEB EXCLUSIVE. VFTW has an interview with… The Wrong Door.

 

Dave: So how’s it going, Wrong Door?

Wrong Door: Pretty good! Thanks so much for having me. I had no idea that American Idol would make me so famous. I hate the damn show, but at least it helped me make something of myself.  There's a rumor going around that they might move me to the White House!

Dave: Can I have your babies? 

Wrong Door: Watch out, I’ll give you a splinter.

Dave: Fine, fine. I’ll back off a bit. So, what was it like working with the judges? 

Wrong Door: Well Randy spends all of his time at the buffet table, Simon spends all of his time looking in the mirror, and Paula, I’ve been a fan of hers since Vodka Sips Attract… I mean Promise of a New Drug… Well, I can’t seem to remember any of her songs. But I’ve always liked that broad.

Dave: She’s fucked up, isn’t she? 

Wrong Door: Like you didn’t already know.

Dave: Well, Wrong Door, I have to get back to my column, but can we check in with you as a special guest correspondent throughout the season?

Wrong Door: Of course! I’d love to help out VFTW, I’ll give you guys the exclusive. If any other site claims they’re talking to the Wrong Door, it’s probably just some cheap imitation made out of old wood chips.
 

Back to the show… We’re now treated to two cousins trying out. William Green goes first and butchers Amazing Grace. After being told no, but still in high spirits, William puts on an act for the cameras and starts yelling “Don’t make me come back in there!” to the judges. He’s actually a pretty funny guy and he knows that VFTW likes a bold show. His cousin, Akron Watson, is a good singer, but he does the incredibly ovderone Change is Gonna Come. How many times have we heard this damn song this year? Simon says he’s bored, but then is suddenly not bored when Akron tells him Let’s Get It On. Akron makes it through and his ten million family members, roughly double the size of San Antonio, rush in to give him a hug.

 

If you’ve sang for the mayor of Houston and he liked it, you should be a shoe in for Idol, right? Not quite. Sandie Chavez begins to sing Black Velvet for the judges in an off key whine, and it quickly turns into “Heburfaing Bla Velva Litboysmiiiiiiiii…” Sandie transcends the English language with her beauty and talent, and I recognize what a gem she is. Simply outstanding. Of course, the judges make her cry and Simon laughs that she’s a music teacher. Sandie shows them how much she hates them by going through the WRONG DOOR as a shoutout to VFTW. Thanks, Sandie. Keep singing!

 

Ashlyn Carr is up next. She has it all to be the anti-VFTW: a good voice, good looks, a good sob story (someone beat her up because she sings well)… until she starts singing and her face makes weird tics. The judges are immediately turned off and tell her no. Yes, because we all know that weird facial tics will immediately disqualify you from Idol.

Simon tells her that he would have said yes as Ashlyn cries her way back to wherever she lives. Soon, Randy and Paula have suddenly “changed their minds”. Yeah, sure. We all know which judge owns you both like the sad cowards you are.

Simon: You will do as I say.

Randy and Paula: Yes, sir!

Simon: Jump!

Randy: How high?

Paula: High? No, I’m not! There're soooo mannnny cameras in thissss room, I’m just confuuuuused. Which one of usas do I looks sinto? What quesyin should I answurs? Eats its up and embrace it!!!!

 

Thus, Ashlyn is brought back and given a second chance. She sings exactly the same and still has her facial tics. They all tell her she can go to Hollywood, but Paula tells her to work on her bad habits. Like she’s one to talk.

 

Next up is Jake the Snake, Jacob Tutor. His influences are Kurt Cobain, Axl Rose, and Bryan Kyrish. He’s boring. I'm so done with him.

 

Last, Jimmy Neal sings Cupid. He reminds Simon of Ruben Studdard. This means Jimmy is someone who will be pimped to the extreme on the show, only to sell very few records and turn out to be a gigantic mistake in more ways than one, even on the Subway diet. He tells a little girl in his family that he’s going to Hollywood and she shoots back, “So?” Ah, a young Worster. We start them off young now. She’ll be dialing in for the worst along with us in a few weeks just to spite Jimmy, I can tell. I’m liking her.

 

And that wraps up San Antonio. Not a great episode for the Worst, but hopefully tomorrow brings better news. It’s the “Best of the Rest”, which means “here’s another episode we can make advertising money off of.” Watch out for mega-pimped Paul Kim and Leslie Hunt. They make us want to barf already. Let’s hope we get some really awful people going to Hollywood though. But thankfully, it will be the last audition show, and we can move past this vomit fest and head on to Hollywood where the real VFTW dreams begin.

In this new episode 3 (we're not sure why it's also called episode 3, since there was an episode 3 before it), our very own Worster, Norma Lee, shows us her dolls, sings "I'm Not an Old Douchebag", and teaches us a lesson she learned from Justin Timberlake: What goes around, comes back around. Norma Lee's a star in her home town and we think you'll love this latest episode of her show.

You may remember Norma Lee from last year's Are You The Worst Idol competition (VFTW's very own singing competition) where she came in second place. Season two will start later this month, but before it does, make sure to check out the Norma Lee Show! In this installment, Norma Lee sings her song The Fresher The Better, which is about how her younger brother told her to rub cow manure all over her face to get rid of her freckles... of course, the fresher the better. We'll keep you updated with all of Norma Lee's show updates, tell your friends! Make sure to check out episodes one and two as well.

 

This shit is BANANAS! Remember how we told you Gwen Stefani would be singing during an episode of Idol in March? Well the awfulness gets even better! Pulse and Z100 are reporting that the last week of March (top 10 week, we believe) will be completely dedicated the vocal vomit that is Gwen Stefani's music. The contestants will get to choose from Gwen's overplayed No Doubt songs or her awful solo music. That's right, one of the worst singers in the history of the world has a whole week dedicated to her music. This will be the greatest week in VFTW history, no doubt. Can you imagine the Idols singing "Wind It Up" and "Hollaback Girl"? We can, and it's going to be a train wreck of epic proportions!

Many props to Wax Goddess at the VFTW message board. She found us someone who probably made it to the top 24 this year on American Idol that hasn't been mentioned anywhere else yet. His name is Paul Kim. Here's his MySpace, he's friends with Chris Richardson, Blake Lewis, and some others, so we're thinking he's the mystery Paul who makes the top 24. Thanks, Wax Goddess. Now hopefully he'll suck and make VFTW happy for discovering him.