Welcome back to VFTW's very own bad singing competition: Are You the Worst Idol! Now that we've hit the finals, it's time to see what our finalists have in store. We lost Flea last week sadly, but he'll be back for the finale in May. And Thorn696 did not submit a song this week, we'll edit his entry in if he submits sometime this week. Take a listen to these one hit wonders (they're terrible), then click "Read More" to vote for your favorites. You can vote once per minute, and voting stays open until noon Eastern on Thursday.
Turdparty - Macarena
Grima - Nelly/1-866-IDOLS-03
CutieCutieCakeHoney - Lovin' You
PainFool - I Believe in a Thing Called Love
Laura - Tubthumping
Moose- What's Up
Lianimal - Play that Funky Music
MacAttack16 - Invisible
Johnnywang57 - Mickey
MagicPoultry - Scatman
According to The Post Chronicle, Simon Cowell is definitely not enjoying the rein of terror that Sanjaya Malakar is bringing to American Idol. Simon had this to say: "He's not going to win. I won't be back if he does!" The whiny Brit has never been so upset about a contestant making the top 12, and he's never threatened to quit before, so it looks like it's up to VFTW to help power vote for Sanjaya for a while. Simon will already have to endure Sanjaya on the Idol CD and Sanjaya in the finale (even if he doesn't win, he'll come back to sing with the others), let's make him also endure Sanjaya on the Idol tour and Sanjaya as the reason he lost his lucrative job. Yay!
This email is regarding having people vote for Sanjah. When you did this it ruins the future for people who actually have a chance. Take Carrie Underwood for example. she is one on the most successful stars idol has produced. Sunjah will never even be close to any success. even if you continue with this and Sunjah wins he wont sell an album, and nobody is going to by it. little kids watch this show and they look up to the contestants. these contestants are who they wanna be when they get older. do you actually think a kid is going to wanna be like Sunjah?? not me. I am sending out a petition to get rid of this site. if i get more than 150 names please take this site away and leave idol alone. If this is run by people who lost, its not cuz they had something against you when you were denied, its cuz u just plain SUCKED. You cant hold the contestants accountable for what the producers do to the show.
We lost our Worsters, but we had a great 3 week run with them! Sundance and Antonella were truly VFTW victories in a great sense, and now it's time to move on to the top 12 and a new phase of Worsthood. Who will we vote for? At this point, we've gotta embrace Sanjaya and take him as far as he can goEven though we haven't voted for him yet, Sanjaya is our man now! Let's help this kid get on the tour
Tonight's episode is what American Idol should be every week, a cutting contest between great singers trying to outdo each other. And when someone screws up they go home. The girls brought their 'A' game this week, whereas the guys were playing a game of chicken-- "Watch how badly I can suck, I dare you to send me home." Typical guys. Sure good singing and competent performing gives me less funny stuff to talk about, but it’s a more pleasurable viewing experience.
This show was light on B.S. and long on good performances. Oh sure there was the usual AI crap, Paula stumbling over her words, Randy’s incoherent chest thumping. Simon was in rare form, managing to drive his harsh critique's home with maximum damage. It looked like poor Haley was going to cry... but she's a pro, so she sucked those tears back into her eyeballs and laughed it off.
I was really enjoying the show so far, so of course the real American Idol show had to rear it's ugly face with the next two performances. At least we get them out of the way early.
Another high-caliber Girls Sing episode. Next week we thankfully go back to one night of performances a week. As usual I will not watch the results show as it bores the piss out of me. But I will be introducing a couple new twists into my Grading The Idols blog of the Finals, so I hope you'll join me.
So if it isn’t obvious by now, a female is going to win American Idol 6. The females performed a kazillion times better than the dudes, which is no shock, because the producers want a girl to win this year so they stacked the deck.
Jordin Sparks goes first and she tells us that she wanted to be a football player. I’m sure… This girl has choir dork since age 5 written all over her. She decides to switch it up and sing a rock song, Heartbreaker. It’s got its pitch problems, but it’s about infinity times better than the guys, so really, it’s all gravy. The producers want Jordin on the tour, so they’ll get Jordin on the tour, no problem. Besides, it’s fun to watch her stand next to Seacrest and make him look like the shrimp he is.
Next is Sabrina Sloan, who used to be a reporter for her high school news program, Diablo Heat. She belts out some En Vogue, and it’s really good for the most part. Simon, of course, sees her as a threat to his pimped homely divas, so he calls her “robotic” and says she has a “hotel resort” performance. I’m not sure what he was listening to, because yes it wasn’t perfect, but after the guys, this sounds like a #1 record. Sabrina silently curses Simon in her head for ruining her chances of advancing. A diva is probably going home tomorrow, and Simon may have made sure it’s Sabrina. Maybe she’ll user her big nose to slap him silly when the results are announced?
Antonella Barba, the best person in the universe, is up next. Her secret is that she plays the violin. Who told these people that their high school talents are suddenly secrets? She craps on some Put Your Records On, and really lets loose a big old bowel movement during the verse. That’s the runny shit too, the really nasty green stuff. It doesn’t get much better during the turd party chorus, but the second chorus actually isn’t half bad when she’s singing in her higher register. Simon starts to play with himself and says there’s not much more Antonella can do (except blow him) and that he wishes she was a better singer (better at blowing him). There sure is more Antonella can do (blow Simon more often)… make it to the top 12 and crap on the theme weeks (while blowing Simon)! Will it happen? It’s a close call.
Haley Zzzzzcarnato is up next and… seriously, do you really want me to recap her? I had to look up how to spell “Haley” correctly. Again, not worth the web space.
Stephanie Edwards has been singing since she was 4. She sings Sweet Thing, and it’s good, but the big notes are really off key. All of them. It’s kind of weird, it’s definitely her worst performance, but miles ahead of Antonella. Really though, she’s not getting the pimpage, so whatevia. She was slightly more memorable than Sabrina, so she’ll stay in while Sabrina goes home.
LaKisha is terrified of animals. She’ll go up on the table at her friends’ places if she sees one. I hope she’s willing to buy her friends new tables, cause trust me, that’s a big girl to be standing on a table. She takes the boring route and does some pre-crack Whitney. It’s good, if not great, but it’s boring and unoriginal. The judges overpraise her. She’s gotten kind of boring, so I see her as the token mid top 12 shocker elimination. But she’ll have no trouble making it through tomorrow.
Gina Glocksen has lucky charms. And unlike Blake’s lucky charms (apparently his testicles), they’re external. She has a little troll (no, not her boyfriend, it’s an actual doll), a stuffed pickle (Kellie approves), and a pillow with her nephews on it. She belts out some Call Me When You’re Sober, and as much as I can’t stand her, it’s nice to have some different music during this show that isn’t a damn diva song. So I applaud her for that. And really, she does okay with it, even if it has pitch problems. Simon called her a breath of fresh air. I call her lucky she stopped singing the Celine Dion songs like a moron.
And finally, Melinda “No Neck” Doolittle is OCD. Real shocking, Melinda. She sings some song about being a woman, and it’s 100 times better than any of the others. Did I not call her as the winner way back when? She’s the Cinderella story of the season- the backup singer who gains enough confidence to go it on her own. And yes, she’s likeable, but she still has no neck. What does she do in the winter when she needs a scarf? Does she just wrap it around her face? Can she wear necklaces? She’s definitely sticking her neck out in the competition… we just can’t see it. But hey, good for her for actually being able to sing well. We need a little of that every now and then.
Who’s going home? Haley- she’s too boring. And hopefully one of the divas in a shocker. I’d like it to be Stephanie, but I think it’ll be Sabrina. I can’t predict that ‘Toiletta the Porcelain Princess will go home, I love her too much. So I’ll say Haley and Sabrina.
Antonella definitely didn't disappoint with her terrible rendition of Put Your Records On. By the end, she was good, but the first 3/4 of the song was just so terribly wonderful. She needs TONS of help tonight to get to the top 12, so make sure to vote all night. Antonella is our Princess, and we n eed to crown her with top 12 status. Get everyone you know to vote and let's show Idol that Antonella belongs in the top 12... because this is not a singing competition, as we all know.
First off I want to thank each and every one of you who checked out my comedy videos this week. If you didn't you can see "Cool Movie Reviews" here:
and "Hardcore Hunting" here.
I'm proud of our little sketches and hopefully they made you laugh. I would put them up against anything on SNL or MadTV this year. Except for "Dick in the Box", that was actually funny. Okay, enough about me, I know why you're all really here.
Tonight was the worst statistical night for staying on the show until the final four (2:8 = 1:4). So you'd think everybody would do his best to jolt some urgency into the voting masses. Instead they did their best to get sent home. Each and every one sucked in some way that could get them booted off Idol on Thursday.
In other American Idol news, someone was pissy this week. Could it be the bitchy Englishman with the fuzzy sweater obsession? Simon was peeved that Jennifer Hudson didn't thank him personally in her Oscar acceptance speech. Simon took particular umbrage when she called Idol "a stepping stone" in her career. Man, for someone who dishes out insults Simon is one sensitive little wimp. In a clip from Jennifer's season on AI Simon buried her, telling her she wasn't as good a singer as the other girls and that she should quit the business. Great way to inspire Oscar glory!
American Idol is a career stepping stone and a scattershot one at that. For every Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood there's a Ruben, Fantasia and Bo Bice whose singing careers aren't exactly stratospheric right now. Nobody's career apogee is winning a "singing competition" on TV. They sing on Idol AND THEN they try to do other stuff, like Jennifer Hudson did. So shut up Simon, you nimrod.
About Blake’s “Obscure” song-- Here's a page from wikipedia that shows just how rare and hard to find this song really was in 1995:
"The follow-up single "Down," which was released 14 months after the album, received heavy airplay on mainstream radio and the accompanying music video was on MTV's rotation. The song hit #1 on the Modern Rock chart. The third single, "All Mixed Up", enjoyed almost identical success, reaching #4 on the Modern Rock chart. These singles propelled the album to platinum status in 1996. The album ("311" eventually went triple-platinum."
So yeah, I could see how it's possible to have never heard that song before, especially when you work in the "recording industry."
Hey it's Travis Tritt pimping his new album he made with Randy. Funniest moment of the night occurs when Ryan asks him why he had Randy produce the album, and Travis has a long, painful pause before answering.
So once again we're reminded why the guys get such a bad rap, they actually do suck. True, it was four and four with Pass vs. Fails, but the Fails were so spectacular that they threw the whole show out of whack.
Tomorrow we see if the girls fall flat on their faces.
The guys went back to sucking hardcore this week, making it hard for VFTW to choose a Worst, but Sundance Head really sucked it up hardcore so we went back to him. His performance was the most entertaining train wreck of the night, but really, we could have made a VFTW case for any of them.
Blake Lewis probably had the only performance of the night that didn’t suck hardcore. First, he introduced us to Jimmy Walker Blue, some hillbilly character he plays. Then he sings All Mixed Up. It’s not bad, but it doesn’t translate to the Idol stage very well. At least he picks entertaining songs though, so I’ll give him a pass. If only I’d known what was to come, I’d have called Blake’s performance amazing.
Sanjaya Malakar has a secret… he can do the hula really poorly. It’s like he gets more boring every week. Does Sanjaya mean “boring” in some ancient language none of us know? And in that same language does Paula mean “boozehound” or something? Sanjaya tackles John Mayer’s Waiting on the World to Change, but turns it into Waiting on the World to Wake Up. They never do. The judges have no idea what to say and are clearly annoyed that he’s still in the competition. It’s pretty hysterical watching them try to come up with new things to say when they didn’t expect him to last this long. I was all ready to vote for Sanjaya, but then Sundance made my night even better.
Sundance Head’s secret is that he’s a skinny man wearing a fat suit. Hysterical, Sundance. Apparently he doesn’t realize that he’s the only one who finds his jokes funny… but that’s why we love him! After returning to his bluesy roots last week, he decided the next step would be to piss all over that and mess up a rock song. He shows some true bravado by picking Jeremy as his song. This is not an Idol-friendly song at all, and it’ll probably scare the little kids at home who might vote for him (though if they looked up what the song’s about, it’d scare them even more). The screaming was just horrible, it was incredibly out of tune, and delightfully horrific. His faux-hawk was also too much. Love it! The judges weren’t as mean as they could have been, probably because they want him in the top 12 over Sanjaya. Well, we can help deliver that hopefully.
Chris Richardson used to be really fat, but then lost weight. What an interesting story. He sings Tonight I Wanna Cry, which is pretty terrible and off-key. It just gets worse as the song goes on, and his Timberlake falshitto can’t properly sing a country song. Man, this is awful. And to top it all off, he’s boring. The judges seem to like it because they have no musical taste. Il Divo and the Teletubbies stop by to give Chris R. some high fives and beat up Chris Sligh. Still boring.
Jared Cotter’s secret is that he played basketball. These secrets are as boring as the guys themselves. And to really add to the boredom factor, Jared sings an overdone Stevie Wonder song. It starts off okay, but then halfway through it’s incredibly horrible. He also keeps making these corny faces that he probably finds sexy. The judges tear him apart, and even Paula gets into the act, saying she wants more emotion. See that? The drunk is actually making comments about how bad you are. That’s pretty sad.
Brandon Rogers is secretly a skydiver who jumps out of planes naked to feel the rush! No, he’s just a boring old classical piano player. Lame. Brandon’s performance is actually better than just about everyone else’s, even though it sucks. He falls into the “boring but competent” range. Really, that’s about all I can say about that, because Brandon has the least personality out of any Idol contestant ever.
Phil Stacey’s secret is that he hasn’t always been bald. No shit, Sherlock. He decided to shave his hair off for some group he was in. Fascinating. He then starts to murder Leann Rimes’ I Need You. Wow, this is the worst vocal performance of the night, complete with scary eyes. The Phil we remember from the auditions is back, starting off the song completely in the wrong key, then shouting the big notes like he wants to kill someone. Phil is proving his VFTW-ness by sucking so bad that the judges… still kind of praised him? What is wrong with them? At least Phil made a good case as a VFTW backup in case we lose any of our people this week.
And finally, Chris Sligh’s secret is that he used to have short hair. Seriously. Do they even know what a secret is? This is painful to listen to. Chris then continues his trend of singing obscure songs that no one knows or cares about. Bad move. He sings decently, but has a lot of off-key moments. Even Paula didn’t like it. Seriously, these guys made Paula hate them. Or maybe that’s because they all refused her advances backstage. Either way, Chris won’t go home, and he’ll live to sing another song no one knows next week.
As for who is going home: I think we can definitely count Sanjaya out. When he’s finally in the red for DialIdol, the producers will want to get rid of him as soon as possible, sadly. And the other guy… probably Sundance unless we saved him. Sundance will only survive this week by the grace of VFTW, but was it enough even with that terrible performance? Not likely. That was pretty awful! If Sundance does stay, look for Jared to go home.
Well, in the VFTW battle, all of the guys basically sucked, so we'll stick with Sundance. His screaming version of Jeremy was just horrendous and you could tell he thought he was great. Sanjaya was boring and Phil Stacy was the most off-key ever, but Sundance is the full FaFuTwo package. Is he the next coming of Scott Savol?
Either way, our real pick is still Antonella, so let's get Sundance to the top 12 and then Antonella too!
1-866-IDOLS-03. Dial it like you mean it, as of 9:08 Eastern, Sundance is in LAST on DialIdol. He needs SEVERE help.